Weddingbee boards

I have 6 bridesmaids, my younger sister, 2 who are friends since elementary school, 1 a friend since college, my brother's girlfriend (they've been dating for years, live together - she's practicallly a sister) and the 6th is a friend I lived with for 4 yrs up until 1 month before getting engaged. 

My dilemma is with the last one, we'll call her C.  We were super close all 4 yrs living together, went on weekend trips together, double dated, helped each other through relationship woes (I moved in with her 2 yrs before even meeting FI) and was to be a bridesmaid in her wedding (whcih has been postponed twice and will now just be a quickie elopement IF they end up even getting married which she's no longer sure they want to do.)  Since she moved in May, I've seen her twice, both times for quick dinners.  We've made plans plenty of times and she inevitably cancels on the day of (I think once she may have given me 24hrs notice).  As my only BM in the same state, I've asked her twice if she'd mind going dress shopping with me, fully catering to her schedule.  Both times she's hedged then finally cancelled all together (yes, I'm that poor sad girl who goes dress shopping completely alone)

I have another friend, we'll call her J, I've known since we were 15 and visit at least once a year despite living in different states for our entire friendship.  Over the last few weeks, I've regretted not asking her to be a maid, and I've notived a definite chill in our friendship.  I had dinner with her the night before we got engaged, and she was the first person to congratulate me.

I had plans to see C for dinner tonight and woke up, of course, to an emailing bailing and asking to raincheck for next week (when she knows I'll be leaving town for the holidays).  I'm not-so-quietly fuming and at this point want to UNinvite her to be a bridesmaid.

Petty as it sounds, I desperately wanted short chiffon-y BM dresses for my farm-setting wedding but opted instead for full-length after C said she refuses to wear anything that shows her "Cankles".  I can attest that in 4 yrs of lviing together I never once saw even a glimpse of her legs, even post-shower or when we spent weekends in the Hamptons.  I was afraid if I chose the short dresses I wanted she'd back out, and it meant more to me to have her there.  Now, as our friendship has clearly nosedived, I 1.) feel like she's probably going to backout of the wedding just before 2.) don't really feel like she fits in the "lifelong friend" category the rest of the girls do 3.) I want my short BM dresses!!! 

I want to pull the ol switcharoo and have J take C's place.  I realize I probably can't do that...but is there maybe possibly some way I could?  Since I think she'll drop out at the last minute anyway, would it be wrong of me to politely offer her an opp to rescind her acceptance?

Does this make me a brideszilla?

I know most people don't look favorably on "un-asking" bridesmaids, but if the situation is what you describe, this is what I think you can do. 

Think about what other things may be going on in her life that cause her to act like this. You mentioned that she postponed her own wedding twice and might not even marry the guy. This is an incredibly painful experience no matter what the reasons for it were. Maybe it's hard for her to get excited about your wedding, to hang out with you and participate in the wedding talk when her own wedding was taken away from her. Maybe her family isn't supportive of her situation with FI. Maybe they are having other relationship issues you don't know or haven't thought about. Maybe she's having problems at work or school.

I would talk to her (write an email or speak on the phone if it's so hard to see each other in person) and explain that you're worried about her and wondering if being a bridesmaid would be too hard on her. Don't accuse her, but just talk about how she's been too busy to go dress shopping or even meet up and talk about the wedding. Say that you don't want to burden her and ask how she feels about the issue.

Then see what she says. If she agrees that it's too much for her, problem solved. If not, then tell her that she needs to make certain commitments: going dress shopping, trying on and ordering her own dress in a timely manner, and whatever else is important to you. Then ask for one specific commitment that demonstrates that she really does want to do this with you. ("I would like you to join me to try on bridesmaids dresses sometime in the next two weeks. What works for you?") If she doesn't come through, you can un-ask her knowing that you have done everything you could to make this work and that you are not being unfair to her.

Now about asking the other girl, this could be tricky. It sounds like she knows you asked all the other girls already. So even if you asked her, she might feel like she's a second choice. If you think you can pull off the whole "I'm so sorry, I made a huge mistake and have been wanting to ask you for months" thing, go for it. But you might upset her even more.

Finally, regarding the dress thing. I haven't seen your BM, so I can't judge. But the general rule is this. It's your choice and they should wear whatever you choose BUT you shouldn't choose anything that's clearly unflattering for their body type. Is her aversion to a shorter dress based on an actual problem or more vanity/perception? If it's just her being stubborn, I would go ahead and choose the dress you like (might be another way to un-ask her if that's what you want). But if she would really not look good in it, then I think you should be considerate of that. In a perfect world, all of our BMs would have perfect bodies, but most bridal parties have all different shapes and sizes. So we either let them pick different dresses or choose a dress that looks good on everyone (not necessarily stunning, but at least good). Make sure your decision about keeping her in the bridal party is not based on what she looks like in your dream dress!

UPDATE!!!!

After canceling dinner last week and rescheduling for Monday night - last night - she cancelled AGAIN!!!!!

I was planning to talk to her about everything and try to both get on the same page but she bailed like usual.  I'M SO ANNOYED!!