Post # 1
Hello Bee’s. I had a question for you all. I think as part of the waiting cycle we begin to second guess ourselves, our SO’s, and just our relationships at times. The longer we wait it’s like the more we’re like although I love this person and want to spend my life with them am I really “supposed” to or is this REALLY meant to be.
I guess we begin to become annoyed a little things our SO’s do or don’t do during the waiting process. For me for example, my SO is not good with finances. When it comes to saving, budgeting, prioritizing money and spending (the reason we aren’t engaged just yet). But I’m totally the opposite. I have a degree in Accounting so I’m good with money so for me it’s like “how is it that hard…”. But I know everyone is different and some are better at some things than others. I guess I sometimes think for us is this a situation of opposites attract (as the saying goes) and we will balance out. But other times I become frightened and think will this be an issue down the road in the marriage. These things will be covered in premarital counseling but just curious.
Is this normal? Anyone else have these thoughts about something regarding your SO?
Post # 3
I totally had these types of thoughts before we got engaged. We didn’t wait until the engagement to work out the issues though – is this something you can start working on now to alleviate your concerns? DH and I were always open about finances and spending and got on the same page while still dating. We also combined finances early on. Maybe if you’re better at budgeting/saving/etc you can take the lead on doing the finances for the two of you?
Post # 4
I’ve kind of had these same sorts of feelings. I haven’t necessarily started getting annoyed by specific things that he does but I definitely do have days where I think “if we were really meant to be it wouldn’t be this hard/complicated”. I just feel like if we were meant to be he wouldn’t be having such a hard time getting himself to the point of being ready.
I do get annoyed when he spends his money on stupid things for himself though. I can’t help but think “there goes $50 more that could have gone towards a ring, etc”. So frustrating!
Post # 5
SO is good with finances, but he’s not good with the chores. Sometimes I don’t mind doing all the cooking and cleaning – I actually enjoy doing these things. It can be therapeutic. But sometimes I feel like I do way too much and get annoyed that he doesn’t help out more. I used to worry that when we get married he’ll get stuck in his ways and I’ll be the one doing everything, but then I realized I never really voiced this to him. So I now I just ask him to help and he does!
I think the key is to communicate your concerns to come up with a good solution for both of you.
Post # 6
I have second guessed myself a few times and I think it is normal too. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it or take it as a sign- your mind is just trying to be rational where your heart usually isn’t. I am happily engaged now but there are things that come up that I say, well, I have to learn how to deal with this (such as not cleaning his side of the room)… It depends on how major the issue is but there are always solutions if you both compromise. since you are EXCELLENT with money, talk to your SO and she is he would let you help him save and reduce debt. He has to want it though and if he doesn’t, you need to figure if this is a deal breaker for you or if you do not mind taking care of things financially, if he is unable to.
Post # 7
I think the waiting period is the time you should be working on these items that you dont love about him (and him about you) so that when you do get engaged and married you will feel secure that these issues wont become much bigger down the road.
Waiting till you are married or engaged only adds more stress to a more stressful time and its possible you will learn that there are some things you or him just cant compromise on that will negatively effect the relationship. Its best to work through and learn these early one.
Post # 8
I know I’m annoyed with him about our relationship when I suddenly become super aware of his chewing. Weird. I know. He eats with his mouth open sometimes. Annoying, but when I’m in a good mood I don’t even notice. When it becomes the only thing I can hear it’s usually when I’m upset about something he’s not doing or if I’m getting anxious about our future. I chalk it up to stress about the unknown. Not so much to there being something wrong with our relationship. 🙂 But everyone’s situation is different. If the issue is serious enough its worth discussing early.
Post # 9
@LittlePenguin: “I haven’t necessarily started getting annoyed by specific things that he does but I definitely do have days where I think “if we were really meant to be it wouldn’t be this hard/complicated”. I just feel like if we were meant to be he wouldn’t be having such a hard time getting himself to the point of being ready.”
That’s EXACTLY how I feel sometimes! I haven’t said just that to my SO, but something along those lines led to a discussion once of him establishing that he loves me enough to marry me, he’s just not ready for marriage the noun and stage of life. It helped to see it as not anything in our relationship or not in our relationship but that he’s just plain old not ready for all that marriage entails. I still get down about it though, but it’s a lot less depressing and difficult when I know it’s not me, it’s marriage that’s the problem.
I did get frustrated that he wasn’t doing anything towards changing his thoughts about marriage, and when I shared that with him in July it seemed like it fell on deaf ears. I told him that I get he’s not ready, but it seems like he’s not doing any thinking or research to see if his views on marriage are accurate/helpful/what he wants/etc. That convo was good too because in January he assured me that he’s been thinking about it more and could be ready by September. 🙂
Post # 10
Thanks Ladies. Finances will definitely be addressed PRIOR TO marriage. My church is really big on that during premarital counseling. So we are prepared for it. After being together 3 1/2 years and living together for 2 we pretty much know each other habits, pluses, and minuses. So I think we are good in all other categories. We balance well. I know for him he wishes I would clean up more. I always have a clean house I just don’t like to be the one to clean it. LOL… I’m in my last semester of school and then I have my son and work full time at my Law Firm and I just don’t have time. There aren’t enough hours in a day. When I lived alone I had a cleaning lady come once a week which is not very expensive at all (but he thought that was ridiculous and waste of money). So once we moved in together I cancelled the cleaning lady and he took on the bulk because he spends more time home than I do.
Yet we’ve kept our finances seperate because we’re just “boyfriend and girlfriend” (ugghhh I hate that). Since I make more money and I’m a lot better with it than he is I’m sure he will agree that I will handle most if not all of our income, bills, spending, etc. we’ll definitely cross that road when we get there. Good thing is he doesn’t really have much “debt” or individual bills. He has two cars that are paid off. I’m the one with the student loans 🙁 and car note. And I will say that I’m not always the best at saving but I’ve been doing better since last year. I have a true shopping and shoe fetish so I can’t really complain about him (I think I’ve rubbed off). I have a nice amount of excess income each month and didn’t really realize how much I was wasting/spending until I start saving. Big Difference! I guess I’m annoyed now that I’m saving and he hasn’t been (I know because he hasn’t saved to or purchased the ring). I just realized that’s the BIG issue. No savings = No Proposal (e-ring)