Post # 1
I wanted to elope and be with my fiancé forever without any of the stressers of a wedding. I had a very large expensive wedding almost five years ago that did not last longer than a year. It was not what I wanted, or where I wanted it. The wedding was completely planned for me. I take full responsibility for being a push over and not saying how I felt, but I felt it was easier to not say anything then to upset my all mighty mother in law at the time. My main reason for wanting to elope is because I love my fiancé and I want to be with him forever and I do not need to have a large wedding to prove it, but a marriage is a team effort and together we agreed to have a wedding. My list is substantially smaller than his, which is fine with me. I wanted the people that mean the most to me to be there to support me in this new chapter of my life. FI wanted a wedding party, I am still just as close with all of the girls in my first wedding party and I can’t think of any better to be next to me supporting us on our special day. All of the girls were so happy for us when they heard about the engagement; my g/fs not in the wedding were equally as excited. This time my fiancé and I will plan the wedding we want together. About a month and a half after we got engaged my MOH reached out to me to ask what my expectations were of her. I explained that I am open and willing to go with the flow. I explained that this wedding was very exciting for both my fiancé and I, and I asked for her moral support. She responded with how I should not have a shower because my last marriage was so recent and that people do not want to buy me gifts again so soon. I explained that if there was a shower I would not be inviting people for the gift but for their love and support from the people that mean the most to me. My fiancé being as excited about everything as he is couldn’t wait to have a shower, and the same went for his family. They asked what we wanted, where we wanted it, when would be a good time. All of the other bridesmaids were also very excited and couldn’t wait to start planning a shower and bachelorette party. I tried to explain that the people I would invite would not be invited because I wanted their gift, I wanted their support. She explained that it would probably better if I just didn’t invite people or ask people if they wanted to be invited to not waste postage or people’s time. I felt that there was no way to know who would want to go or not and I felt more comfortable inviting my close family and friends and no gifts are needed, and if they declined it would be fine and I would understand. I also asked my MOH if she maybe did not want to be my MOH and she explained that she did. I have bought all of the girl’s dresses, jewelry, shoes, and hotel rooms to not offend them by asking for their support again. I felt paying for these items were a nice gesture since this was the second time I was asking them to support me. I am just looking for thoughts and feedback about this situation….
Post # 3
Here’s the thing about bridal showers: by definition, they are about gifts. The express purpose of a bridal shower is to shower the bride with gifts for married life. Hence the name.
If you really don’t want any gifts and just want to get together with people, you can plan a BBQ or pool party or cocktail party or any other type of party that you and your friends would enjoy. But a no-gift shower is a contradiction in terms and would likely confuse the heck out of your invited guests.
That said, whether it’s acceptable for a second-time bride to have another bridal shower really depends on your social circle. In some circles, bridal showers are for first-time brides only; in others, if you have 10 weddings you get 10 showers and no one bats an eye. So if you have friends or bridesmaids – other than MOH, who is clearly uncomfortable with the idea – who want to host a shower, let these other friends plan whatever they want, and enjoy. But leave MOH out of it.
It sounds like MOH is being a bit of a debbie downer about a lot of things, and that’s really unfortunate, but the “no showers for encore brides” thing isn’t really an uncommon sentiment.
Post # 4
I think the right thing to do if you have shower is to only have it for your Fi side of the family. Perhaps do a casual get together or bbq for your friends and family.
I think you will undoubtedly offend people for another shower especially if they show up empty handed and your Fi family and friends show up with gifts. It has the potential to make people feel weird and awkward and I think very clearly calls attention to your previous marriage.
I think your MOH is looking out for your best interest especially if your last wedding and marriage was as recent as you imply.
Post # 5
@caligirl56: second time bride here, with this being my FI first. I was married in a courthouse the first time, and had no party. I did, however, have a shower after the elopement. My family has been extremely supportive of having a whole wedding this time, but no shower. My FI lw evangelical Christian family cannot imagine NOT throwing me a shower. So, they are throwing one for me. I am not inviting anyone in my family except my mother and grandmother. Showers are about gifts, and I feel like if anyone from my family wants to get a gift, they can bring it with them to my wedding. I think, in your case, it sounds like an engagement party may be the perfect compromise. You get the party and fun.. Without asking for gifts for a second marriage.
Post # 6
Ok, be honest….do you guys really want gifts at the shower?
If the answer is yes, then maybe you can compromise using some of the ideas PP’s posted: shower hosted for his side only (inviting maybe your mom and grandma) or seeing if there is another bridesmaid who feels more comfortable hosting a shower for an encore bride. Without knowing your MOH, I’m not sure if she just doesn’t want to throw the shower or if she really is looking out for your best interest knowing your social circle may frown down on you having another shower just a few years after your first.
If you guys really don’t care about the gifts, then I’d hold something like a “no-gifts” BBQ or engagement party. You still get to celebrate with your loved ones, but there is no pressure to bring any gifts. (Note: I still almost always bring a gift to “no-gift” events if I’m close with the person.)
There’s no right or wrong answer to the above, but you first have to be honest with what your true intentions of the party are.
Post # 7
I think a shower for his side only could be nice… a friend of mine in this situation had an all girls “bridal luncheon” where everyone brought a favorite recipie and they were combined into a book. No gifts. It was really fun and lovely. A friend of the family hosted it.
Other than that I think an engagement party could be a nice option, if somone wants to throw you one.