Post # 1
Ok…. so the jury is out on this one. Should you not have a big wedding if it’s your second marriage?
For one I was married in a court room when I got married the first time. My BF had a huge wedding however.
Second. I feel like I finally have found the perfect man for me and I am so excited to become his wife!
However, some people seem to think or downplay it like second marriages do not matter or are not as important as first marriages….
Post # 3
@tarapaul2016: I think you should do what you want!
I thought most people didn’t do second weddings because they already know what a big pain in the rear they are!
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I think it depends on the person. For example my brother got married in a big wedding to a woman he’d been with for 13 years, and they did the full package. Less than 3 years later they got divorced in a very messy situation where they both started seeing someone new before things were finalized. Now, he’s engaged to the “other someone” and wants to do a very small and quiet ceremony with only their mothers (both fathers are out of the picture for different reasons) and then a dinner at their house with siblings and parents only.
My brother is a private person and I think in some ways is still embarassed about how things ended up going with his first marriage ending, and him dating someone else before things were finalized (this wasn’t a cheating situation, all parties were open about it). But for example, he moved out of the house with is wife 3 weeks before my wedding and my wedding party was my sister, my (now ex) sister-in-law, and my brother’s new girlfriend… not exactly a cozy crowd.
I also have a friend who had a court house wedding that they didn’t tell anyone about, things ended badly and they split. A few years later she got married to a wonderful guy with a white dress and the whole deal.
I’ve been to a “white wedding” where the bride was on her 3rd or 4th husband (no one was quite sure) and her 80+ year old dad still had to walk her down the isle.
So, it just depends on the people involved, and the circumstances surrounding the choices made, but I say do what makes you happy.
Post # 5
@sugar_biscuit: Like I said, I never had a wedding before. I haven’t had any of the experienced associated with being a bride so for me that’s important. I want to dress shop with my mom and have the build up to the big day.
I got married young the first time and it wasn’t very well thought out… which is probably why we ended up divorced!
I know it will be stressful but I feel as though being older and having gone through what I went through with my divorce, that I really appreciate my BF and all he does and I want to celebrate our love. We will never have children together as I can not have anymore so this day is very important to me.
Post # 6
@tarapaul2016: I think it depends on a number of factors, including the size of your last wedding, and when you were last married – for example, if you got married at 22 and had a huge wedding, and now you’re getting married for the second time at 24… probably have a smaller wedding, as people likely still remember attending your first. I had a cousin who got married at 22 and again at 25, and both were incredibly lavish- there were definitely family members who thought it was too much.
However, if it’s been 5 or 10 years since your first wedding, or you had a small first wedding, then sure, have a bigger wedding to celebrate – people who love you will be happy to celebrate with you!
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I felt silly having a big wedding, even when I had been divorced for 6 years. DH, however, had never been married before, and he wanted the big wedding, as did his traditional family. I don’t think its bad to have another wedding as long as its not like…right afterward or something!
Post # 8
At the end of the day, it’s your wedding — and you should do whatever you’d like. However, I think it’s equally valid for others to see a big wedding as unnecessary for a second marriage (I happen to be in that camp — but then again, my wedding was a small one and I don’t see the importance of having a big wedding anyway).
There is no requirement (by etiquette standards) to give a gift for a second wedding/marriage (as long as one was given for the first!), so putting on a big wedding can be seen as putting pressure on your guests to do so (but, this is often a minor point).
That said, you did not do the big wedding before, so I think you’re good to go. All you have to do if anyone brings it up is say what you’ve said here — “I didn’t get to have that the first time around, and he and I want to start off our marriage on a great note.” Who can argue with that? My answer would, of course, be different if you had the big, splashy wedding the first time around.
Post # 9
I think if you’ve already done a big wedding the a second one is a little… Frivolous. But people should do as they please! In your case I would totally want the full wedding. You had a young, courthouse, “starter marriage” and it makes sense to me to have a wedding this time. You get a second chance with love and marriage and a wedding! Do it.
Post # 10
I think it depends on a lot of factors! One thing that would impact my thinking is amount of time/maturity between the two events. Example: if someone got married at 20, then again at 23, I might be a little judge-y. But not at all if there was clearly a maturation that happened in between… does that make sense?
Post # 11
@tarapaul2016: Have the wedding you want, and all the experiences of planning it! Make wonderful memories!!
I’m an encore, (older, too!!!) bride and last summer went wedding dress shopping for the first time ever!! It was absolutely awesome and I will always remember every moment.
Post # 12
You should do what you want, there are no rules on this, people who say you shouldn’t have a second wedding are speaking solely off personal opinion. I am my husband’s second wife, his first wedding was a huge formal shindig at a country club. Ours was SO different, and while I wondered in the beginning if people would roll their eyes behind our backs about doing showers, and coming to yet another wedding for him, in actuality they couldn’t have been happier to see him marry someone they knew was truly right for him.
Post # 13
Thanks for the feedback guys. My first marriage was in 2002 and his was in 2001 so no one has a fresh wedding memory in their mind from his big wedding and mine… I don’t think that any of the people who did go to the court house, except my parents and one other person will be at this wedding, which we aren’t planning for another 2.5 years to give our kids some time to adjust to the idea and so that we can involved them in the whole process. I think it’s more of a wedding for all of us…. we want it to be a celebration of becoming one family and we feel this will be a meaningful thing for us to do with our kids ( two 9 year olds and a 12 year old) . We contemplated just taking off to Vegas… which I was all about at first until I processed the fact that our kids are old enough to know what we did this without them and that they could feel hurt or worse, resentful.
Post # 14
My fiance has been married before and did the huge expensive lux-y wedding capped off with a huge expensie lux-y honeymoon. I have never been married.
His family paid for most all of the first wedding and are not willing to pay for any of ours, which is fine, but pretty frustrating because I don’t get to have that big ellaborate experience with my husband, but some other woman did.
Just in general though, people DO NOT respond the same to a second marriage, even when it is one partner’s first. It was a bit hurtful at first, especially because my family will not be involved in any way shape or form. I am mostly over it now, mainly because I have learned to expect nothing.
But because of my experience I whole heartedly say that no matter how many times you have been married, CELEBRATE THE DARN THING.
Post # 15
@Strawberryfarmer: it makes perfect sense. It took me leaving my abusive ex 3 times before I could finally get the courage up to do it. My BF now is like a breath of fresh air. I said I would NEVER get married again… I hated marriage I thought it was a prison and everyone in my life knows…. and actually anytime any of our friends come over it’s the first thing out of their mouths… well.. where’s the ring???? You haven’t proposed yet?????
I just know there are a select few… who are not just friends… some are family… who may give some flack about it and I want to get others opinions so I can maybe find a different way of explaining why this is important to me SHOULD the situation arise where I need to….
Post # 16
I think you should have whatever kind of wedding you and fiancee want!