Second Marriages

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Are second marriages not worthy of a big ceremony?
    Yes, you have already been married once doing a wedding again is silly : (17 votes)
    15 %
    It depends upon what type of wedding you had the first time : (13 votes)
    11 %
    No, if it's what you want then go for it : (44 votes)
    39 %
    No one should make you feel as though what you want is silly or not important. Go big or go home! : (40 votes)
    35 %
  • Post # 3
    737 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @tarapaul2016:  I think you should do what you want!

    I thought most people didn’t do second weddings because they already know what a big pain in the rear they are!


    Post # 4
    3433 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    I think it depends on the person.  For example my brother got married in a big wedding to a woman he’d been with for 13 years, and they did the full package.  Less than 3 years later they got divorced in a very messy situation where they both started seeing someone new before things were finalized.  Now, he’s engaged to the “other someone” and wants to do a very small and quiet ceremony with only their mothers (both fathers are out of the picture for different reasons) and then a dinner at their house with siblings and parents only. 

    My brother is a private person and I think in some ways is still embarassed about how things ended up going with his first marriage ending, and him dating someone else before things were finalized (this wasn’t a cheating situation, all parties were open about it). But for example, he moved out of the house with is wife 3 weeks before my wedding and my wedding party was my sister, my (now ex) sister-in-law, and my brother’s new girlfriend… not exactly a cozy crowd. 

    I also have a friend who had a court house wedding that they didn’t tell anyone about, things ended badly and they split. A few years later she got married to a wonderful guy with a white dress and the whole deal. 

    I’ve been to a “white wedding” where the bride was on her 3rd or 4th husband (no one was quite sure) and her 80+ year old dad still had to walk her down the isle. 

    So, it just depends on the people involved, and the circumstances surrounding the choices made, but I say do what makes you happy. 

    Post # 6
    681 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @tarapaul2016:  I think it depends on a number of factors, including the size of your last wedding, and when you were last married – for example, if you got married at 22 and had a huge wedding, and now you’re getting married for the second time at 24… probably have a smaller wedding, as people likely still remember attending your first. I had a cousin who got married at 22 and again at 25, and both were incredibly lavish- there were definitely family members who thought it was too much.

    However, if it’s been 5 or 10 years since your first wedding, or you had a small first wedding, then sure, have a bigger wedding to celebrate – people who love you will be happy to celebrate with you!

    Post # 7
    2915 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    I felt silly having a big wedding, even when I had been divorced for 6 years. DH, however, had never been married before, and he wanted the big wedding, as did his traditional family. I don’t think its bad to have another wedding as long as its not like…right afterward or something!

    Post # 8
    1734 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    At the end of the day, it’s your wedding — and you should do whatever you’d like. However, I think it’s equally valid for others to see a big wedding as unnecessary for a second marriage (I happen to be in that camp — but then again, my wedding was a small one and I don’t see the importance of having a big wedding anyway).

    There is no requirement (by etiquette standards) to give a gift for a second wedding/marriage (as long as one was given for the first!), so putting on a big wedding can be seen as putting pressure on your guests to do so (but, this is often a minor point).

    That said, you did not do the big wedding before, so I think you’re good to go. All you have to do if anyone brings it up is say what you’ve said here — “I didn’t get to have that the first time around, and he and I want to start off our marriage on a great note.” Who can argue with that? My answer would, of course, be different if you had the big, splashy wedding the first time around.

    Post # 9
    7915 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I think if you’ve already done a big wedding the a second one is a little… Frivolous. But people should do as they please! In your case I would totally want the full wedding. You had a young, courthouse, “starter marriage” and it makes sense to me to have a wedding this time. You get a second chance with love and marriage and a wedding! Do it.


    Post # 10
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think it depends on a lot of factors! One thing that would impact my thinking is amount of time/maturity between the two events. Example: if someone got married at 20, then again at 23, I might be a little judge-y. But not at all if there was clearly a maturation that happened in between… does that make sense?

    Post # 11
    3836 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @tarapaul2016:   Have the wedding you want, and all the experiences of planning it!  Make wonderful memories!!  

    I’m an encore, (older, too!!!) bride and last summer went wedding dress shopping for the first time ever!!  It was absolutely awesome and I will always remember every moment.  

    Post # 12
    5697 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    You should do what you want, there are no rules on this, people who say you shouldn’t have a second wedding are speaking solely off personal opinion. I am my husband’s second wife, his first wedding was a huge formal shindig at a country club. Ours was SO different, and while I wondered in the beginning if people would roll their eyes behind our backs about doing showers, and coming to yet another wedding for him, in actuality they couldn’t have been happier to see him marry someone they knew was truly right for him. 

    Post # 14
    810 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    My fiance has been married before and did the huge expensive lux-y wedding capped off with a huge expensie lux-y honeymoon. I have never been married.

    His family paid for most all of the first wedding and are not willing to pay for any of ours, which is fine, but pretty frustrating because I don’t get to have that big ellaborate experience with my husband, but some other woman did.

    Just in general though, people DO NOT respond the same to a second marriage, even when it is one partner’s first. It was a bit hurtful at first, especially because my family will not be involved in any way shape or form. I am mostly over it now, mainly because I have learned to expect nothing.

    But because of my experience I whole heartedly say that no matter how many times you have been married, CELEBRATE THE DARN THING.

    Post # 16
    1463 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think you should have whatever kind of wedding you and fiancee want! 

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