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Wow, I'm really sorry. It sounds like you have a lot going on. There's several things here that seem to be contributing (the family, the job, the distance, the not communicating). To me, and this is only my opinion, if things were this bad between my husband and I right be fore the wedding, I would have called it off or postponed. Things are REALLY stressful right before the wedding and when you add things like an agry family, or the job stress (for us it was our jobs and children) ontop of that, things seem to implode at times. Things have been SO MUCH better since the wedding, but we worked through things before hand. It seems to me like you two have become passive-agressive in ways. You really need to communicate and talk this out. Can she come and see you? Maybe getting her away from her family and talking things out face-to-face will help.
Good luck!
I think something like this is always a reason to be concerned.
First off, you both have communication problems. That is very serious and can tear you apart. She doesn't want to talk, you don't want to talk, etc. But if you talk about it, you fight. So how will you two ever accomplsih stuff or reach goals together? You see where I'm going with that.
I'm in a LDR also (going on 4 years) adn I feel like our communication skills is the one thing that has kept us together. I often say that long distance relationships are make or break. You can't make them work unless you are both fully committed and you communicate extremely well. Avoiding the discussion for fear of a fight won't cut it.
I think you guys need to sit down and chat. First of all, it sucks you're so exhausted. My husband's military and he works long long hours and can be cranky, too. Those are the times I make it a point to say "hey lets' stay home you are tired!" and you need to tell your FI the last thing you want to do is go chill with her family. Secondly, she needs to keep mum about your problems. it has tainted her familys' view of you and now they are weird around you and you are weird around them.
Long story short, you need to talk to her about this stuff and she needs to just deal. She neesd to realize that maybe some of her family drama is petty and doesn't need to be unloaded on you b/c you already have stuff to deal with. And you need to tell her this. I catch myself doing this and my husband will just say, "i really don't want to talk about X with your family" b/c really, he doesn't *need* to know and it just adds more fuel to the fire. Sometimes i just talk to talk and sometimes he just needs a mental break from it! Much like you are. But, I don't think it's fair that you keep these feelings to yourself--you need to talk to her. If she cries, she cries. Such is life. But hiding this sort of stuff from her (fear, worry, feeligs, etc) isn't fair. If you start communicating more, she will too hopefully.
The only person who can answer this is your fiancee. You have to talk to her.
Hi Confused,
I'd like you to step back from the wedding planning, job stress, and family issues for a moment and ask yourself, do you love her? Because it sounds like you do, very much. I have to imagine, though I only know your side, she is sensing your hesitation and feels insecure about it. Rightfully so, I would feel extremely insecure and upset if I sensed my SO was unhappy and withdrawing from me.
I don't recommend that you bail, but I do think you and her need to have some time alone to reconnect. Family is crazy, and as much as I love my SO, his family drives me nuts sometimes and I need to get away. I have had many instances where I second guess how they treat me, or how they accept me, and even times I feel uncomfortable around them. These change, the in-laws (or future in-laws, in my case) are going to be familar strangers.
Your needs are important, too. And I think any loving relationship requires give and take, so I encourage you to talk to her about EVERYTHING that's going on, and reassure her that you love her! Women can often-times jump to some seriously conclusions, and it's easy (though irrational) for me to reason things which are far from the truth. In my relationship, I make time for SO to discuss any concerns of his with me, including the ones which make me uncomfortable or insecure.
Wedding planning is hugely stressful, and from what I understand many people have the same situations. But the love should still be there. If the family, the job, and the other outside circumstances were gone - would you still be madly in love with her? Happy to wake up beside her? Want her to be the mother of your children, the person you know always has your back?
If not, then there are other issues at hand. But if you believe that you do, then chalk this up to all of the stressors you've listed above and have a serious conversation with her about it.
I hope this helps. :)
You two really need to talk. With communication issues like that, it makes me worry about your future. Maybe you need to consider moving to where she is before getting married so that you can see how the relationship is when you aren't stressed by a job and long distance. I hope things work out well for you.
Sounds like you are in a tough situation and the best thing to do is take some time (which it sounds like you don't have a lot of) to be with just her (maybe in a different city than she lives in) and talk through all of this. If she's feeling the same way you are, maybe you need to reconsider your situation-- that being said, I dated long distance for 4 years, it fell apart, and while apart we realized we couldn't be without one another. We were still living long distance, so I decided to set a deadline for myself, if I couldn't find a comparable job to my current one by x date, I was moving anyways and would deal with it one way or another. After looking and interviewing and getting rejections... a lot of them.. I was offered the perfect job, moved in with my sister for 3 months, and then we found a place together after living in the same city(finally)! Maybe you're just going to have to set a deadline, if your job is making you miserable you aren't going to be a good husband and you won't be a happy person. I've been told it's easier to find a job if you are living in the city you are looking in (i put my sister's addresss on my resume so not to be rejected b/c companies are unwilling to pay relocation expenses these days)-- just a thought.
Your question, "Is this normal, or is this cause for concern" is not something anyone here is going to be able to answer. Everyone goes through hardtimes, so certainly it's normal to a degree, but that doesn't mean it isn't cause for concern. Only you can answer that.
I'd suggest doing some soul searching (as you already are), talking to a trusted advisor who knows you and your relationship, and talking to your Fiance.
In the end keep in mind that marriage is a leap of faith. You are deciding to enter into a partnership with another individual with the expectation that that partnership will ultimately enrich both of your lives. You'd have to have a crystal ball to know how it turns out. So I'd ask yourself - what do you expect to gain from this partnership? What will you have to give up? Is it worth it? Are you ready to take the leap and give it everything you've got to make it work? Is she?
Good luck!
noornoor and ejs gave you some good advice.
My only other advice would be either you need to get pro counseling (honestly, she's not going to take well to you telling her to have her family less involved, which is what you need) or just sit down and talk it out. Have a box of kleenex, a glass of scotch, whatever it takes for you both to be relaxed and calm to talk it out.
Good luck, I know it will be hard but if you love her and she loves you, she'll be more understanding.
There is some good advices above.
Right before the wedding it gets really tense, to be honest I came to hate planning my wedding because of stress from my husbands family. They were really pushy and questioned everything I picked and wanted and it did lead me to have few fights with them that gave headaches. Because of stress I was difficult to deal with and we were fighting with my husband because he didn't know how to deal with situation either.
As difficult as it is you do have to step away from this madness.
It isn't about your family and it isn't about hers. It is about you two and being with each other. Before making such serious decisions you always question yourself if you are doing the right thing, but think about what drove you to propose to her in a first place.
Worst comes to worst push the wedding, or elope but to be honest it is much easier to just go with whatever you are planning at the moment just simply because you won't have to deal with any of this again. Only 3 weeks till it is over. Stay calm and don't panic. Usually people make bad moves when they panic.
good luck.
It sounds to me like you two are so caught up in all the details right now (wedding, location, job, etc) that you have forgotten about just being together... and probably don't have any time to just be together. You two are working against one another instead of together. It should be you two v. the world.
I think that you need to set aside a time to talk (preferably in person but phone if nothing else will do) and actually lay out all these issues. If you love each other you can make it work, you just need to start communicating better.
Sorry to hear you're going through this...
After being engaged, my fiance & I had our toughest times ever... and we live together and our families get along fine. After talking to other engaged/married couples, they said they went through the same thing... Regardless of the situation, there is so much stress that gets brought up because of wedding planning. The pressure and stress of planning can sometimes bring out the worst in each other, but you two have to remember why you're getting married in the first place - because of your love for each other. You two need to sit down and talk - away from other people - and put everything on the table. I think that things are just so tough right now that you're unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She wouldn't have said yes if she didn't want love & want to marry you and you wouldn't have asked if you didn't either... I can tell you really do, cause you're making the effort by coming on this website seeking advice.
Maybe you two can both fly & meet each other in the middle and have an overnight getaway?
I hope you're able to sort everything out! Keep us posted :)
Confused - Do you still want to be her husband and spend your life with her? that is the only question that really matters right now. Until you figure that out, you can't walk down the aisle with her. You guys have to get through this together - deciding to stop talking with 3 weeks to go isn't going to give you that clarity you need. It sounds like you guys are in a bad spiral of communication - can you call her, tell her how much you love her and want to marry her and then start talking about how you guys can figure this out together? Get out of the rut of looking back and rehashing problems and look forward together?
If you are worried you are in fact making a mistake in committing the rest of your life to this woman, then the best thing to do is to postpone until you know for sure...
There is a cause for concern here. You both have a lot to discuss before you get married and clear out both issues and guidelines. By that, I mean, discuss who's moving where, living where, family visitations, fianacial responsiblities, etc. It sounds like you love her, but issues need to be settled before the marriage!! You definately don't want to start the marriage fighting and just because your "married" dosen't mean the problems are gonna go away or stop. There needs to be a better form of communication.
You don't want to end up divorced a yr or 2 out when these issues could have been handle before the I DOs! Then you're in an even tougher situation!
It sounds to me like there is only one question, as others before me have already pointed out...do you want to be married to her? It's really the only important question.
Yes, it is normal for there to be stress before a wedding. Weddings are stressful, don't let anyone tell you differently. But even with all the stress, I have not questioned my desire to marry him.
I think that answering that question apart from the questions about your job, her family and such is the only thing that matters. If you can honestly answer that YES you want to marry her, then that's really all that is important. Once you both know that, and agree on that point, then you can work together to sort the rest of it out.
I know it doesn't help much, but we'll all be keeping you in our thoughts. Be sure to let us know how it goes!
Hey everyone,
Thank you for all the great feedback. I'm too busy to go through and recognize each person individually, but I want to address some stuff.
- I love my fiance. She is absolutely the woman I want to be married to. Through all the problems, I constantly tell her the only thing I'm sure of is I want to marry her. That's still true, I'm just worried because our communication is so bad.
- I'm not entirely blameless, either. I come from a very messed up family and as a result, I don't have any skills for interacting with a family who loves and supports each other. I'm very dustrustful of family members as a matter of how I was raised. So, a lot of the problems with her family have come because I have serious trust issues.
- I badly need to be in therapy. I've had a lot of very messed up things happen to me over the years and as a result, I'm a wreck. One therapist told me the only rational thing to do was committ suicide because I'll never sort out all the stuff that's happened, and it was some sort of comment on how strong I am that I haven't yet. (That was the oddest thing anyone ever said to me!) I was in therapy for a long time, and it *really* helped. I had to stop when the company I work for changed health insurance plans, because therapy isn't covered and I can't afford it.
- I hate my job and would be more than happy to quit and just move there. I've offered this at just about every point imaginable. I work for a huge corporation with offices *everywhere*. I've looked into transferring several times, but I've been given all kinds of reasons why I should ask again later. A big problem is the company I work for keeps reorganizing everyone all the time. I've had 8 different positions in the company this year alone. So, transferring is proving to be extremely difficult. I make very bad money, there are no perks, my health care is a joke - all sorts of problems. To make things worse, I'm almost always waiting to hear back on a job. I get a lot of offers, but they're always withdrawn with the economy being cited. My fiance seems to believe every job offer is going to be the one to work out and send me to her, but I don't believe in any offer until the paperwork is in my hand and I've become extremely cynical every time a job is offered. She thinks I've become fatalist and pessimistic, but I don't see the point in making plans unless a job offer actually materializes into a job.
- With getting away and spending time together, there's nothing I'd love more. The biggest problem there is there's just no time. I've used all my available vacation on interviews and the wedding/honeymoon. She keeps asking me to ask my boss for an extra day off in exchange for all the 18 hour days I've put in, but the company I work for does not allow flex time. So, there's no time to see each other before the wedding.
- I think, and have always been of the opinion, the wedding should wait until after I had a job in her city. Her family was of the opinion giving me 6 months to find a new job was plenty of time and the wedding should happen by a certain date no matter what. This is one of the many very tense disagreements between her family and I.
<span style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic;">ejs4y8, <span style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px;">I've tried saying "Hey, I'm really exhausted, can we please not talk about this?" but so often, it's like she just wants to talk about it anyway and she pushes the issue and we end up in a fight. This is something we've talked about - she pushes issues even when I've begged her to please not talk about something now. When she pushes an issue, I just dig my heals in more and become more obstinate. All that happens is we end up fighting more. The other thing she does a lot is tries to be a mediator between her family and I. That's great, except she causes even more problems by telling people what she thinks the other party meant and representing her interpretation of what was actually said.
<span style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">I've been giving a lot of thought to everything that was said, and it certainly seems like she and I need to spend more time together. A lot of my concerns aren't really that bad, I suppose. Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful responsees!
I can see why you are so distraught over the whole thing.
What does your FI do? Could you both live off her salary for a few months?
For your sanity and hers and the health of your marriage...and without knowing any information about you/your life/her/her life except for what is stated above....
I really kinda think you should put in your notice, move in with her, and wait tables or something penny-anny until you find a real job there. Your communication issues could easily lead to something bigger in your marriage if they don't get sorted out. Also, once you are married--will her healthcare cover therapy? Most major corporations do--and I have no idea what you do for a living but when companies get restructured, people get thrown under the bus. You need to find a job that works for you. Lots of companies offer flex time. It's going to eat away at your relationship and tear you up. Your job simply sounds toxic. I think some COUPLES therapy could really benefit you. What about some therapy at a church or something like that? The fact that she pushes you emotionally, even when you say, "I don't want to talk about it" is not really a good thing...she needs to respect those boundaries. Sometimes "no" means "no".
I can't tell you whether or not to get married, but make sure you are being fair to both yourself and your FI. Because I know I'd be skeptical about marrying a man who didn't have his issues sorted out. Is she ready to tackle that as your wife? I guess, that goes for you too--are you ready to deal with her family and emotional baggage? I mean, I feel bad saying this, but you do have a lot of emotional baggage it seems. What are your plans to get them straightened out so they don't tear you down? I know that sounds bad, but I know i had a long/hard think about what I would do if DH came back from Iraq with PTSD or anything that mentally changed him. She has to be ready to support you, too. Is a postponement an option for the meantime? No matter how much you love her--you said that you're afraid you're making a big mistake. Do you somehow fear that you'll end up divorced in a year or two?
It sounds like you have a very stressful wedding planning situation to begin with. Being long distance and having a strained relationship with her family sounds very stressful.
Keep in mind a lot of people (good couples included) fight due to wedding related stress. It doesn't necessarily mean you will be fighting for the rest of your lives and it's usually trivial things.
Ask yourself if you really love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. It sounds like you are considering her feelings and her familys and sort of ignoring your own. You also need to have some alone time with her - if she lives with her parents then rent a hotel room for the weekend, do something just the two of you to work out some of these issues.
Also, not everyone gets along with their in-law's, that's usually a 'bonus'.
Good advice noornoor!
It sounds like a lot of your problems are situational, and situations can always change. Your relationship with her family may never be loving and close, but don't let them stand in the way of marrying the woman you love. You have to look to each other as allies and not enemies. This could be one of the biggest regrets of your life and it's amazing to think that it was all for the lack of a good, honest conversation.
Good luck!
Well this is good! You do love her and want to be with her as her husband. Whew!
Now here's my thoughts on this. With pressures mounting from family and possibly income/job issues looming also, I'd seriously have a sit down with her and suggest you two have a quiet wedding away. Call it a "scheduled elopement" if you will.
Wedding planning IS terribly stressful much of the time. And it is totally unknown territory for guys imho. Families can get caught up in so many trivial things (who gets to ride in a limo? Who gets to sit where? Will the mother in law wear the same color dress as the mother of the bride?) Stuff like that can cause headaches and nightmares to rear their ugly heads.
If elopement isn't for you, then do as many bees here did and schedule a night or weekend where you DO NOT DISCUSS AT ALL any wedding planning and just reconnect together and rekindle that flame.
Things can make you lose perpsective sometimes. And an event that unites two people can be the undoing of them if the reason and the heart of the matter (you two are IN LOVE and want to spend the rest of your lives together) isn't in focus and on center stage, instead of a wedding which lasts only one day...
There's a book that I love so much and recommend it 100 percent. It really helped two friends of mine (and I also swear by it for communication) heal their relationship. It's called "His Needs/Her Needs" By Dr. Harley. Check it out. And do the "wedding on mute" night or weekend too!
I wish you both well and a lifetime of happiness!
To be honest - you're job sounds horrendous.
Is it possible that being unemployed would be better than continuing to work? At least that way you'd be able to move (which means you could get rid of your place, sell a bunch of your furniture etc, share utilities and lower bunch of your expenses). Plus it might reduce the strain in your relationship?
This is a huge move and not one to take if you can't take the burden financially (ie if you're FI doesn't have a stable, well paying job; if you don't have savings in the bank; if you live pay-cheque to pay-cheque).
But if you're pay sucks, the hours suck, and it's ruining your relationship with the woman of your dreams, MAYBE it's something to consider?
to be honest as silly as it sounds at this economy but I would quick your job.
It seems like that is the reason of all your problems is your job and it might be easier to just move away from it and discover what else is out there. You might fall in love with doing something completely different and be actually inspired and happy to do more in your life.
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Hello,
Our wedding is in 3 weeks, and suddenly, I'm thinking this is the biggest mistake of my life. I'll give some background....
We live in two different states. We met on a dating site 2 1/2 years ago and talked for 6 months before we even met. The entire time we were dating, it all seemed so lovely. We had some difficult times come up, but we worked through them together. After about a year or so, I began looking for a job close to her. And I kept looking, and looking, and looking.... There have been multiple times when something very promising comes along (like a job offer or response from the hiring manager like "HR will contact you soon") and the job offer is rescinded.
So, here we are planning this wedding in 2 different states. At first, I tried to be the best groom possible and help out as much as I could. She has a huge family with lots of sisters and conflicts eventually came up when there would be some miscommunication and then feelings got hurt as a result and it's been a mess. I know I've definitely lost a lot of the shine from her family. Anyway, it's all lead to this situation where I dread talking to her family at all because I don't enjoy it and I'm always on eggshells.
To add to all this, my job is the least flexible job ever. I have what sounds like a wonderful job for a company with a great reputation, but the reality is the company is falling apart internally and all the suffering is being put on the employees. I can't get time off or I'm expected to work on days off or whatever, and that's also causing problems because I just can't be a part of anything. I work absolutely insane hours, too, so when I do travel out to see her, I'm completely exhausted and not usually in a good mood. (I try to be in a good mood, but it's hard when I'm worn out from this crappy job and I hear all kinds of complaints from her and her family about me not finding a new job and not being able to win my transfer to a new office yet.)
So, she and I have been fighting a *lot*. Our communication has absolutely fallen apart. When we talk, it's usually only for 5 minutes because I don't want to talk about all the problems in my life because we always end up in a fight when I do. It just feels like she's totally unable to understand my problems aren't fixible with easy to say/ impossibly hard solutions.
Anyway, I saw her this past weekend. I was completely, utterly exhausted from extremely long hours at work, so I wasn't in a great place to begin with. We spent the entire weekend with her family, which is non-stop stress because I don't like talking to any of them. And she spent the whole weekend crying and saying she didn't want to talk about anything.
I dunno - it just feels like the whole thing is an absolute trainwreck. I don't want her to be unhappy the rest of her life and I don't feel like I have the ability to make her happy. Is any of this normal? Or is this cause for concern?