(Closed) Second Thoughts

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, I’m really sorry.  It sounds like you have a lot going on.  There’s several things here that seem to be contributing (the family, the job, the distance, the not communicating).  To me, and this is only my opinion, if things were this bad between my husband and I right be fore the wedding, I would have called it off or postponed.  Things are REALLY stressful right before the wedding and when you add things like an agry family, or the job stress (for us it was our jobs and children) ontop of that, things seem to implode at times.  Things have been SO MUCH better since the wedding, but we worked through things before hand.  It seems to me like you two have become passive-agressive in ways.  You really need to communicate and talk this out.  Can she come and see you?  Maybe getting her away from her family and talking things out face-to-face will help.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think something like this is always a reason to be concerned.

First off, you both have communication problems. That is very serious and can tear you apart. She doesn’t want to talk, you don’t want to talk, etc. But if you talk about it, you fight. So how will you two ever accomplsih stuff or reach goals together? You see where I’m going with that.

I’m in a LDR also (going on 4 years) adn I feel like our communication skills is the one thing that has kept us together. I often say that long distance relationships are make or break. You can’t make them work unless you are both fully committed and you communicate extremely well. Avoiding the discussion for fear of a fight won’t cut it.

I think you guys need to sit down and chat. First of all, it sucks you’re so exhausted. My husband’s military and he works long long hours and can be cranky, too. Those are the times I make it a point to say “hey lets’ stay home you are tired!” and you need to tell your FI the last thing you want to do is go chill with her family. Secondly, she needs to keep mum about your problems. it has tainted her familys’ view of you and now they are weird around you and you are weird around them.

Long story short, you need to talk to her about this stuff and she needs to just deal. She neesd to realize that maybe some of her family drama is petty and doesn’t need to be unloaded on you b/c you already have stuff to deal with. And you need to tell her this. I catch myself doing this and my husband will just say, “i really don’t want to talk about X with your family” b/c really, he doesn’t *need* to know and it just adds more fuel to the fire. Sometimes i just talk to talk and sometimes he just needs a mental break from it! Much like you are. But, I don’t think it’s fair that you keep these feelings to yourself–you need to talk to her. If she cries, she cries. Such is life. But hiding this sort of stuff from her (fear, worry, feeligs, etc) isn’t fair. If you start communicating more, she will too hopefully.

Post # 5
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

The only person who can answer this is your fiancee.  You have to talk to her.

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Hi Confused,

I’d like you to step back from the wedding planning, job stress, and family issues for a moment and ask yourself, do you love her?  Because it sounds like you do, very much.  I have to imagine, though I only know your side, she is sensing your hesitation and feels insecure about it.  Rightfully so, I would feel extremely insecure and upset if I sensed my SO was unhappy and withdrawing from me.

I don’t recommend that you bail, but I do think you and her need to have some time alone to reconnect.  Family is crazy, and as much as I love my SO, his family drives me nuts sometimes and I need to get away.  I have had many instances where I second guess how they treat me, or how they accept me, and even times I feel uncomfortable around them.  These change, the in-laws (or future in-laws, in my case) are going to be familar strangers. 

Your needs are important, too.  And I think any loving relationship requires give and take, so I encourage you to talk to her about EVERYTHING that’s going on, and reassure her that you love her!  Women can often-times jump to some seriously conclusions, and it’s easy (though irrational) for me to reason things which are far from the truth.  In my relationship, I make time for SO to discuss any concerns of his with me, including the ones which make me uncomfortable or insecure. 

Wedding planning is hugely stressful, and from what I understand many people have the same situations.  But the love should still be there.  If the family, the job, and the other outside circumstances were gone – would you still be madly in love with her?  Happy to wake up beside her?  Want her to be the mother of your children, the person you know always has your back?

If not, then there are other issues at hand.  But if you believe that you do, then chalk this up to all of the stressors you’ve listed above and have a serious conversation with her about it. 

I hope this helps. 🙂

Post # 7
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You two really need to talk.  With communication issues like that, it makes me worry about your future.  Maybe you need to consider moving to where she is before getting married so that you can see how the relationship is when you aren’t stressed by a job and long distance.  I hope things work out well for you.

Post # 8
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Sounds like you are in a tough situation and the best thing to do is take some time (which it sounds like you don’t have a lot of) to be with just her (maybe in a different city than she lives in) and talk through all of this.  If she’s feeling the same way you are, maybe you need to reconsider your situation– that being said, I dated long distance for 4 years, it fell apart, and while apart we realized we couldn’t be without one another.  We were still living long distance, so I decided to set a deadline for myself, if I couldn’t find a comparable job to my current one by x date, I was moving anyways and would deal with it one way or another.  After looking and interviewing and getting rejections… a lot of them.. I was offered the perfect job, moved in with my sister for 3 months, and then we found a place together after living in the same city(finally)! Maybe you’re just going to have to set a deadline, if your job is making you miserable you aren’t going to be a good husband and you won’t be a happy person.  I’ve been told it’s easier to find a job if you are living in the city you are looking in (i put my sister’s addresss on my resume so not to be rejected b/c companies are unwilling to pay relocation expenses these days)– just a thought.

Post # 9
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your question, “Is this normal, or is this cause for concern” is not something anyone here is going to be able to answer.  Everyone goes through hardtimes, so certainly it’s normal to a degree, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t cause for concern.  Only you can answer that.

I’d suggest doing some soul searching (as you already are), talking to a trusted advisor who knows you and your relationship, and talking to your Fiance.

In the end keep in mind that marriage is a leap of faith.  You are deciding to enter into a partnership with another individual with the expectation that that partnership will ultimately enrich both of your lives.  You’d have to have a crystal ball to know how it turns out.  So I’d ask yourself – what do you expect to gain from this partnership?  What will you have to give up?  Is it worth it?  Are you ready to take the leap and give it everything you’ve got to make it work?  Is she?

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

noornoor and ejs gave you some good advice.

My only other advice would be either you need to get pro counseling (honestly, she’s not going to take well to you telling her to have her family less involved, which is what you need) or just sit down and talk it out. Have a box of kleenex, a glass of scotch, whatever it takes for you both to be relaxed and calm to talk it out.

Good luck, I know it will be hard but if you love her and she loves you, she’ll be more understanding.

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

There is some good advices above.

Right before the wedding it gets really tense, to be honest I came to hate planning my wedding because of stress from my husbands family. They were really pushy and questioned everything I picked and wanted and it did lead me to have few fights with them that gave headaches. Because of stress I was difficult to deal with and we were fighting with my husband because he didn’t know how to deal with situation either. 

As difficult as it is you do have to step away from this madness.

It isn’t about your family and it isn’t about hers. It is about you two and being with each other. Before making such serious decisions you always question  yourself if you are doing the right thing, but think about what drove you to propose to her in a first place. 

Worst comes to worst push the wedding, or elope but to be honest it is much easier to just go with whatever you are planning at the moment just simply because you won’t have to deal with any of this again. Only 3 weeks till it is over.  Stay calm and don’t panic. Usually people make bad moves when they panic. 

good luck. 

Post # 12
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

It sounds to me like you two are so caught up in all the details right now (wedding, location, job, etc) that you have forgotten about just being together… and probably don’t have any time to just be together. You two are working against one another instead of together. It should be you two v. the world.

I think that you need to set aside a time to talk (preferably in person but phone if nothing else will do) and actually lay out all these issues. If you love each other you can make it work, you just need to start communicating better.

Post # 13
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear you’re going through this…

After being engaged, my fiance & I had our toughest times ever… and we live together and our families get along fine.  After talking to other engaged/married couples, they said they went through the same thing…  Regardless of the situation, there is so much stress that gets brought up because of wedding planning.  The pressure and stress of planning can sometimes bring out the worst in each other, but you two have to remember why you’re getting married in the first place – because of your love for each other. You two need to sit down and talk – away from other people – and put everything on the table.  I think that things are just so tough right now that you’re unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  She wouldn’t have said yes if she didn’t want love & want to marry you and you wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t either… I can tell you really do, cause you’re making the effort by coming on this website seeking advice. 

Maybe you two can both fly & meet each other in the middle and have an overnight getaway?

I hope you’re able to sort everything out! Keep us posted 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Confused – Do you still want to be her husband and spend your life with her?  that is the only question that really matters right now.  Until you figure that out, you can’t walk down the aisle with her.  You guys have to get through this together – deciding to stop talking with 3 weeks to go isn’t going to give you that clarity you need.  It sounds like you guys are in a bad spiral of communication – can you call her, tell her how much you love her and want to marry her and then start talking about how you guys can figure this out together? Get out of the rut of looking back and rehashing problems and look forward together?

If you are worried you are in fact making a mistake in committing the rest of your life to this woman, then the best thing to do is to postpone until you know for sure…

Post # 15
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

There is a cause for concern here.  You both have a lot to discuss before you get married and clear out both issues and guidelines.  By that, I mean, discuss who’s moving where, living where, family visitations, fianacial responsiblities, etc.  It sounds like you love her, but issues need to be settled before the marriage!!  You definately don’t want to start the marriage fighting and just because your “married” dosen’t mean the problems are gonna go away or stop.  There needs to be a better form of communication.

You don’t want to end up divorced a yr or 2 out when these issues could have been handle before the I DOs!  Then you’re in an even tougher situation!

Post # 16
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

It sounds to me like there is only one question, as others before me have already pointed out…do you want to be married to her?  It’s really the only important question. 

Yes, it is normal for there to be stress before a wedding.  Weddings are stressful, don’t let anyone tell you differently.  But even with all the stress, I have not questioned my desire to marry him. 

I think that answering that question apart from the questions about your job, her family and such is the only thing that matters.  If you can honestly answer that YES you want to marry her, then that’s really all that is important.  Once you both know that, and agree on that point, then you can work together to sort the rest of it out. 

I know it doesn’t help much, but we’ll all be keeping you in our thoughts.  Be sure to let us know how it goes!

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