Post # 1
Maybe I’m being crazy about this, but now that we’re about to move in together, something is really bothering me about my guy.
He never disagrees with me. I mean never, we’ve never argued, disagreed, fought or anything and it’s really starting to make me questiom things. I always though I wanted a guy just like him. Our values & morals line up, we think the same on kids we love each other’s families, he’s been extroardinarily patient with me etc. We’ve been together 7 years, planning to be wed October 2015. He agrees with EVERYTHING I say and I’m starting to realize that I don’t want a guy like that. I want a guy who challenges me, who makes me think differently about some things and FI doesn’t do that.
Like I said, he agrees with everything I say. Literally everything. We’ve only started to have disagreements about the wedding, but I know that once we wed, his doormat status will return and I don’t know if I can handle that. I have a very strong personality and he is very much like his father, he’s very passive and he just goes along with everything I say. I’ve told him multiple times that if he disagrees with me on something, he can tell me. But he continues to agree with me on everything.
I’d hate to break his heart, but I don’t know if I can deal with this.
Post # 2
TunaCat29: you need to have a talk with him asap before you get yourself into something that is just going to be more painful to get out of.
Post # 3
You’re just now realizing this after 7 years?
Post # 4
TunaCat29: Your last post about your FI was that you were worried about moving in together because you didn’t want to start fighting? Is this some sort of defence mechanism your brain is doing because you’re affraid of moving forward?
I think you need to figure out what you want before you call it off with a potentially great guy. If you don’t want to be with him for real reasons, thats one thing. But if you are looking for excuses, maybe you should talk to a professional to help sort out your feelings and figure out what you really want before you become self destructive.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
I don’t think it’s necessarily a reason to break up but definitely a need for communication classes or couples counseling to learn to communicate. We all learn by what we see when we are raised. If he’s like his father, that is all he knows. Counseling will help with that A LOT!!
Post # 6
TunaCat29: Tough love: Why are you just now realizing this after 7 years? I’m sorry but this poor man is going to be heartbroken. Its literally coming out of NOWHERE; you were fine with him up until now? Very strange…I feel like something else happened.
Post # 7
mdcmod: I thought the same thing…what’s different?
TunaCat29: OP if you are feeling like you want to break up over just this, sounds like there might be more to it than that.
Post # 8
Definitely need to talk to him if you love him and want to stay with him. Trust me when I say I like to be challenged in a relationship too, but he is most likely just doing whatever he thinks will make, and keep, you happy. He is well-intentioned but ill-advised because he doesn’t know any better. Bring it up to him and find out if he sees what you’re seeing happening. Although (all seriousness aside), moving in together is the best time for him to just go along with what you say . But seriously, you should talk to him about this if it’s bothering you to the point that you want to split.
Post # 9
I haven’t read your previous posts, so I’m reacting just to what you’re saying here.
I also have a very strong personality and also have at least one girlfriend who also has a very strong personality. We both had many failed relationships as a result of our alpha personalities and we are both now with men who, relative to us, are a bit more beta. But a bit. I wouldn’t call my FI or hers a doormat. I guess the one thing that I am trying to say is that you have a 7 year relationship with your FI for a reason, clearly your personalities complement each other. I would ask yourself if the person who challenges you as you are suggesting would really be a good fit for you.
Post # 10
Unless there are other major doubts in your mind this does not seem like a fair reason to be seriously doubting your relationship. Relationships change when you move in together mostly for the better and some for the worse, you may find he disagrees with you a lot more when your living on top of one another after living apart for 7 years. Don’t throw what sounds to be a very stable, supportive relationship away for one thing he lacks (but may yet show you). No-ones perfect and he can’t read your mind that you want him to disagree with you on occasion.
Post # 11
TunaCat29: Don’t marry him! My DH was like this in his first marriage and my friend just went through a very painful divorce (well kind of, house and kid, but no marriage) to a guy like this. They keep quiet and just do what you want out of a need to not rock the boat. Then one day they wake up and realize they are living a lie and leave.
The strange thing is, that if you ask him point blank if he is just doing this to make you happy, he will say no. He truely does not know himslef well enough to realize all the internal sacrifices he is doing to keep the peace.
I would see a couples counselor first that can help him learn how to say no.
Post # 12
TunaCat29: +1 to the pp who say there must be more to this story<br />Its normal to get a little cold feet. And it might be possible that you guys simply had nothing to disagree about while dating.
You are now having disagreements about the wedding- as you guys create a new life together- weddings, babies, job changes, home purchases you might not always see eye to eye. Imagine how difficult facing all these things could be if you DONT see eye to eye and get ‘challenged’ at even small things.
I hope you don’t throw everything away before getting some couples counselling or atleast telling him that he doesn;t have to agree with you 24/7. You might find out that his dorrmatness might be coincidental.
Post # 13
There’s a difference between being agreeable and being a doormat. If he’s disagreeing with you about things now, then he couldn’t be that much of a doormat. It’s entirely possible that up until now, there was nothing he disagreed with.
Does he let you walk all over him? I have a strong personality too, and I dated someone once that let me walk all over him, so I did. I wouldn’t even let him spend the day at my house if he didn’t bring his own food. That’s what I would consider a doormat. Not someone who simply agrees with me. My FI on the other hand would never let me get away with that kind of behaviour, but at the same time I’d never ever treat him so poorly. Still though, our relationship has been so great that I’ve doubted myself. I wondered if I was wrong about him, I wondered if it was going to fall apart just like everything always has. I wondered if maybe he wasn’t as amazing as he seems. That’s normal. Sometimes it’s easier to run away. You need to stand back and really think about what’s going on. If you love him, then you’ll deal with whatever issues are there and you’ll make it work.
Post # 14
7 years, and you’re finally realizing it now? Seems like you’re just looking for an out of the relationship really becuase if this is what really bothers you, there must be more to the story.
Post # 15
Do the both of you a favor and end it. I’ve seen the resentment it will cause down the road, in my in-laws. My MIL is very dominant and controlling while my FIL is very passive. They both resent each other very much after 40 years. You both should be with someone whom you respect and feel respected by.