Second Thoughts About My FI

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

TunaCat29:  you need to have a talk with him asap before you get yourself into something that is just going to be more painful to get out of. 

Post # 3
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You’re just now realizing this after 7 years?

Post # 4
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

TunaCat29:  Your last post about your FI was that you were worried about moving in together because you didn’t want to start fighting? Is this some sort of defence mechanism your brain is doing because you’re affraid of moving forward?

I think you need to figure out what you want before you call it off with a potentially great guy. If you don’t want to be with him for real reasons, thats one thing. But if you are looking for excuses, maybe you should talk to a professional to help sort out your feelings and figure out what you really want before you become self destructive.

Post # 5
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

I don’t think it’s necessarily a reason to break up but definitely a need for communication classes or couples counseling to learn to communicate. We all learn by what we see when we are raised. If he’s like his father, that is all he knows. Counseling will help with that A LOT!! 

Post # 6
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


TunaCat29: Tough love: Why are you just now realizing this after 7 years? I’m sorry but this poor man is going to be heartbroken. Its literally coming out of NOWHERE; you were fine with him up until now? Very strange…I feel like something else happened.

Post # 7
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

mdcmod:  I thought the same thing…what’s different?  

TunaCat29:  OP if you are feeling like you want to break up over just this, sounds like there might be more to it than that.  

Post # 8
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Definitely need to talk to him if you love him and want to stay with him. Trust me when I say I like to be challenged in a relationship too, but he is most likely just doing whatever he thinks will make, and keep, you happy. He is well-intentioned but ill-advised because he doesn’t know any better. Bring it up to him and find out if he sees what you’re seeing happening. Although (all seriousness aside), moving in together is the best time for him to just go along with what you say . But seriously, you should talk to him about this if it’s bothering you to the point that you want to split.

Post # 9
716 posts
Busy bee

I haven’t read your previous posts, so I’m reacting just to what you’re saying here.

I also have a very strong personality and also have at least one girlfriend who also has a very strong personality.  We both had many failed relationships as a result of our alpha personalities and we are both now with men who, relative to us, are a bit more beta.  But a bit.  I wouldn’t call my FI or hers a doormat.  I guess the one thing that I am trying to say is that you have a 7 year relationship with your FI for a reason, clearly your personalities complement each other.  I would ask yourself if the person who challenges you as you are suggesting would really be a good fit for you. 

Post # 10
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Unless there are other major doubts in your mind this does not seem like a fair reason to be seriously doubting your relationship. Relationships change when you move in together mostly for the better and some for the worse, you may find he disagrees with you a lot more when your living on top of one another after living apart for 7 years. Don’t throw what sounds to be a very stable, supportive relationship away for one thing he lacks (but may yet show you). No-ones perfect and he can’t read your mind that you want him to disagree with you on occasion.

Post # 11
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

TunaCat29:  Don’t marry him! My DH was like this in his first marriage and my friend just went through a very painful divorce (well kind of, house and kid, but no marriage) to a guy like this. They keep quiet and just do what you want out of a need to not rock the boat. Then one day they wake up and realize they are living a lie and leave. 

The strange thing is, that if you ask him point blank if he is just doing this to make you happy, he will say no. He truely does not know himslef well enough to realize all the internal sacrifices he is doing to keep the peace. 

I would see a couples counselor first that can help him learn how to say no. 

Post # 12
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

TunaCat29:  +1 to the pp who say there must be more to this story<br />Its normal to get a little cold feet. And it might be possible that you guys simply had nothing to disagree about while dating.

You are now having disagreements about the wedding- as you guys create a new life together- weddings, babies, job changes, home purchases you might not always see eye to eye. Imagine how difficult facing all these things could be if you DONT see eye to eye and get ‘challenged’ at even small things.

I hope you don’t throw everything away before getting some couples counselling or atleast telling him that he doesn;t have to agree with you 24/7. You might find out that his dorrmatness might be coincidental. 

Post # 13
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

There’s a difference between being agreeable and being a doormat. If he’s disagreeing with you about things now, then he couldn’t be that much of a doormat. It’s entirely possible that up until now, there was nothing he disagreed with.

Does he let you walk all over him? I have a strong personality too, and I dated someone once that let me walk all over him, so I did. I wouldn’t even let him spend the day at my house if he didn’t bring his own food. That’s what I would consider a doormat. Not someone who simply agrees with me. My FI on the other hand would never let me get away with that kind of behaviour, but at the same time I’d never ever treat him so poorly. Still though, our relationship has been so great that I’ve doubted myself. I wondered if I was wrong about him, I wondered if it was going to fall apart just like everything always has. I wondered if maybe he wasn’t as amazing as he seems. That’s normal. Sometimes it’s easier to run away. You need to stand back and really think about what’s going on. If you love him, then you’ll deal with whatever issues are there and you’ll make it work. 

Post # 14
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

7 years, and you’re finally realizing it now? Seems like you’re just looking for an out of the relationship really becuase if this is what really bothers you, there must be more to the story.

Post # 15
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

Do the both of you a favor and end it. I’ve seen the resentment it will cause down the road, in my in-laws. My MIL is very dominant and controlling while my FIL is very passive. They both resent each other very much after 40 years. You both should be with someone whom you respect and feel respected by.

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