Second Thoughts- Advice Needed

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Have you shared these feelings with your fiance, or considered going to couples therapy?

I had a very close friend who didn’t want to get married, but didn’t want a failed engagement. I gently reminded her that calling off an engagement is better than a failed marriage.  If you’re not ready to get married, don’t – as horrible as it may seem to cancel or postpone your wedding, it will be worth it in the long run.

Post # 5
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Lois123:  You are having cold feet because you have serious reason to doubt the wisdom of this marriage. That is his doing, not yours, so don’t feel guilty or bad for your doubts.

Most of my friends have been married for 5-8 years by now. Of the many married couples I know, only two are deeply unhappy and beginning to contemplate the “D” word. And in both cases, the women in those marriages could have written your exact same post right before they got married, but they walked down the aisle anyway.

He never talks about the problem and acts like it never happened, and is just so confident in the wedding and in us, that I don’t know if I can ruin it

This is not a good sign. If he’s not talking about it, he’s not figuring out why it happened and what he can do to prevent it from ever happening again. You might want to go look at the forums on survivinginfidelity.com to see what needs to happen to rebuild trust between couples after this kind of betrayal. Hint: it requires a really active effort on the part of the cheater, and full, continual verbal admission of the great wrong s/he has done.

Anyway, you deserve a husband you can trust 100% and your FI is no longer that man, because of his own actions. I understand that you don’t want to “ruin” things for him, because you love him. But he has already (it sounds like) ruined things, and by stonewalling discussions of it, he’s also showing that he’s not willing to do what it takes to repair the breach — so of course you don’t trust his love! 

Please take your own doubts very seriously, because they come from the part of you that is trying to protect you and look out for your own best interests.

If I were you and I had the resources, I would look for a counselor with whom I could talk all this out. Divorce is a lot harder and more expensive than canceling a wedding (even one that has been paid for and planned). And your happiness, of course, is priceless.

Post # 6
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It was something you were willing to forgive but you couldn’t forget.  Can you go to couples counseling ASAP?  Postpone the wedding if you have to.  No need to tell people why; just tell them the venue fell through if you have to say something.  If your head is screaming “wait” I say listen to it.

You may have been able to forgive right away but it takes time (months or years) for him to regain your trust and it sounds like that hasn’t happened yet.  I would feel uncomfortable marrying someone I didn’t trust.

Post # 7
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

You say you don’t want to end it because you don’t want to ruin all the dreams he has for you two? HE already ruined them when he cheated on you. I’m sorry, but he has no right to be mad at YOU for anything. You thought you could get over it, but you can’t, and I don’t blame you. I know some people can move past cheating, but I, for one, am not one of them. I could never marry a man who cheated on me.

Post # 8
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@maloussii:  +10000000000

You didn’t or won’t ruin shit.  He ruined it when he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Period.  If you can’t handle it, that’s fine.  But don’t fool yourself into this marriage.  I wouldn’t stay.  a few months is not anywhere near long enough to get your head back in the game.  Let him go, and know you are absolutely not to blame.

 

Post # 9
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I think that you should leave him. it’s so scary leaving a relationship behind, but I think you would end up happier eventually in this case. what upsets me the most is that this happened so recently and he’s so quick to push it under the rug and pretend it never happened. that’s unfair to you! best of luck.

Post # 10
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

If a friend came to me with this problem I would strongly encourage her to get out of the relationship ASAP. He cheated on you, girl! If you stay with him, and especially if you act like bygones are bygones and proceed to marry him, he might get the message that he can have his cake and eat it too. Break off the engagement AT LEAST. 

Also – I am SO SORRY that this happened to you. I would be completely heart-broken… devestated! I hope that you find the clarity you need to deal with this situation, and that your friends/family rally around you!!

Post # 11
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Lois123:  You can’t sweep this under the rug. You found out so recently! And only bc you caught him! You should postpone at the very least. I can’t imagine walking down the aisle like this. Don’t worry about what he wants. Of course he wants to pretend like it never happened!

Post # 12
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Postpone the wedding at the very least. The trust that you used to have is now gone. Maybe it can be rebuilt, but it’ll take time (and possibly counselling) before you can even get close to where you were before. You arent ruining things, he did that when he made the decision to cheat.

 

 

 

From the sound of it, it wasn’t just a 1 time thing, and it would have continued if you hadn’t found out. He made the decision to do something that he must have known would hurt you in the worst possible way, and yet he did it anyway. I would have serious doubts about marrying someone who could do that to you. Maybe he is truly sorry, and maybe he has learned his lesson and will never do it again, but now he’s going o have to prove it to you, and that will take time.

 

Post # 13
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Lois123:  I would advise you listen to that voice that tells you “I don’t want to get married.” Nothing is more clear than your own inner voice.

Post # 14
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My DH cheated on me before we got married.  He never talked about it because he was so embarassed and ashamed of what he did.  He didn’t want to face what he did to us.  We went through couples therapy and I decided I could forgive him (eventually).  It was a long road.  Later we got engaged and married.  If you still love him and he is your best friend, I don’t think you should end it just yet.  Maybe things could be worked out where trust could be rebuilt.  I believe that people can make mistakes and not repeat them.  

Post # 16
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My boyfriend (we’ll be engaged soon) cheated on me years ago.  We’ve been together for 5 years and he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend in the first year (a one time thing).  It took a long time for trust to be rebuilt.  It was very hard.  Like the previous poster mentioned, he didn’t like to talk about it because he was very ashamed of what he did, but he would still talk to me about it.  Your FI shouldn’t be acting like it didn’t happen, it’s still pretty fresh and he should be willing to discus it with you since you are willing to continue your relationship.  

People deal with cheating differently, even differently from relationship to relationship. It’s easy to say “I’d never stay with someone who cheated on me” if it hasn’t happened to you.  Some people will stay true to that if it does happen, but others who have said it haven’t.  I think it depends a great deal on where you are in your relationship (not “level” like boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged or married, but rather your overall feeling of the relationship regardless of status) and how the person who cheated feels and the effort they put into repairing, rebuilding and making the relationship better than before.

Although it took us a lot of time, our relationship has been better for quite awhile now.  We’ve had normal problems/fights on top of the issues brought up by the cheating, but we work through them and still love each other and are happy with our decision to stay together and continue to plan a future.  Of course I don’t think staying together is always the right choice in a relationship where one person cheats, but I do believe someone can only cheat once, regret it, truly feel remorseful and change for the better and the relationship can survive and thrive like any other.  It’s so dependant on the people involved and how they feel and deal with everyone.  I just wanted to let you know it can work out, but both people have to be willing to work on it and it sounds like he isn’t supporting and working with you right now.  I don’t want that to read like you did anything wrong when I say both people need to work on the relationship, I just mean it’s a lot of work because it is very emotional and a long process to rebuild.

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