- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 1990
I think the reason I’m posting is because even though I’m not ready to talk to someone about this face to face, I really need to get a few things off my chest. I’m hoping you all may be able to offer some guidence.
I’ve been married to my husband for 4 months (after dating him for almost 4 years) and I’m beginning to think I made a huge mistake. I’m not close enough to any of my friends to discuss this with them, and it breaks my heart to think about telling my mom/dad/sister, who are still talking about how much fun they had at the wedding. I think part of it is because if I talk about it, it makes it real… and it scares me.
I’ve broken up my “second-thoughts” into 3 main categories, although, of course, there are another million reasons running through my head:
EMPLOYMENT PROBLEMSHe proposed to me December 2009. Around February 2010, he quit his dead-end restaurant job to persue a new career. This job was commission only, and I was well aware that the first year would be difficult, and money would be tight, but held onto the hope that he would succeed. During this time, wee had a talk about cancelling/postponing the wedding until he had some substantial commissions under his belt, but he told me not to worry about it. He was confident that in a few years, he could be making over $100k/year.
During the past 12 months while he’s been working on starting up his career, I’ve spent almost all of my savings trying to support us. I work 2 jobs (about 55-60 hours a week, one job I ABSOLUTELY HATE.) trying to pay for our morgage, bills, etc. while trying to run my own design business (job #3) on the side as well.
This past July, his numbers weren’t high enough for him to go any further with the company, so he left, and has gotten another bartending job until he finds another company to work for. (Part of me also feels like he never put 100% effort into this job, which makes me resent him even more.) I think he’s really embarrassed about the situation, and won’t tell anyone that he’s bar tending again… and he doesn’t want me to tell anyone either.
One more thing: I HATED his career. Whenever he would tell me about his day, I would glaze over. I don’t understand any of it, and it’s too much for me to comprehend. I HATE that his job consists of him going out to restaurants and drinking all night while trying to sell to people. It all looked really nice on paper that the beginning, but now I HATE it. I don’t want him to continue in his line of work, but of course, I can’t tell him that he can’t persue the career he wants.
AGE DIFFERENCEI am in my 20’s and he’s in his 40’s. We have an 18 year age difference. I’ve always had hesitations about marrying him because of this, especially because I want to have a family. I wanted to get pregnant as soon as we got married, partly because of his age, and partly because my biological clock is ticking like crazy. I AM READY to be a mom. Unfortunately, my plan doesn’t look like it’s going to work because of our financial situation. We are in such a hole right now, it looks like it’s going to take a few years to get back on our feet, and of course, I don’t want to bring a child into this stressful situation.
I really don’t know if I can handle the the fact that if and when he might be ready to have kids he could be an almost 50 year old father to a toddler. (And I really want more than 1.) Although we have talked a whole lot about starting a family, I haven’t brought up the subject at all in the past year because of our financial situation, and neither has he. I thought we were on the same page, but now starting a family doesn’t seem like a priority for him. If it was, I think he’d be putting more effort into his “career”.
ADDICTIONMy husband is what I consider, a “functioning alcoholic”. He drinks quite a bit… more than I think is normal, but he doesn’t NEED alcohol to function on a daily basis. He might go days without drinking.
On more than one occasion, I’ve been embarrassed at events and parties for his inability to limit himself, and he’s gotten behind a wheel drunk on (too) many occasions as well. (For example, he was one of the top 3 drunkest people at our wedding.)
I’ve tried numerous times to talk to him about it, but he want’s nothing to do with that. He won’t talk about it… or listen. Which (I know) is an obvious sign of addiction. It got a little better when he stopped bar tending, but as his new job started getting more and more stressful, I think it started getting worse again. I’m afraid that it WILL get worse since he has started tending again. (I’m in the restaurant industry too, and I know that slinging beers all night makes one thirsty for alcohol.)
So I don’t think he really has any idea how miserable I am. Actually, he’s clueless about all of this. I HATE one of my jobs, I’m in a marriage that isn’t turing out the way I hoped it would (and even though it’s only been 4 months, I have little hope), I can’t sleep at night and I cry on my way home from work at night because I have to get it out somehow.
Please help me.
**Therapy is not an option. I have had some very bad experiences with therapists. My husband is also 100% against it.