- 8 years ago
My Fiance is one of the best men I’ve ever met. He’s funny, respectful, has similar values, works hard (mostly), and we get along well. We’ve been together for 3.5 years, have the same friends and have the same job.
First, our, um, intimate life is non-existent. We live together and we haven’t been intimate in over two months. He knows it’s a problem, I know it’s a problem, but nothing changes. I’ve tried multiple things to jump start it again, from lingerie to unexpected places/times, to expected places/times, to romance, to dirty messages, and the list goes on. Sometimes it works, but usually not. I’ve talked to him about it, and his response is that he’s really stressed with X project at work. Then X project will end, and something else will take its place. We’ve been…inconstant for over a year now, probably closer to two, being intimate only sometimes (maybe once a month), and ONLY when I intiate. He’s not getting it elsewhere, if only b/c the logistics are impossible (we live together, and spend a LOT of time together).
Probably contributing to this problem is his weight. He’s gained a lot in the last year or so, going from about 200 lbs (which is about right for his frame) to probably 260+. I’ve asked him if he wants to exercise with me (I go 3+ times per week), tried to cook healthy meals (he eats cheese if he doesn’t feel ‘full’ after (or before) dinner), and have told him that I’m worried about his health. It’s to the point where I can’t do anything else. He has to, but he won’t.
In addition to this, I STILL don’t know why he loves me. I know that he does, and I know that I deserve that love (healthy self-esteem here), but he NEVER tells me what he loves about me. I have no clue. After picking fights with him for a week, I finally got up the courage to ask him why he loved me at all. His answer was “Because you’re just like me. You’re a female version of me.” Okay, that’s great – I tell him all the time what I love about him, so maybe I should just turn that around and apply it to myself as well?!?! WTF?!? This was months ago, and he hasn’t managed to come up with anything better since then. Honestly, I really just need some sort of positive feedback! I know that I’m a kind of a neat person, and that I’m worthy of love, but I need to know that he realizes that too, and I need to hear what he loves about me.
I have talked to him about each of these issues individually, but never together. I don’t think he realizes that these things are bothering me to the point that I’m totally freaking out about marrying him. I love him, but I don’t know if I want to be chained to someone for the rest of my life who
a)will cause me to be essentially celibate,
b)won’t take care of himself,
c)won’t communicate with me.
I’ve asked him to attend pre-marital counseling with me, but he says that we don’t need it, and we agreed to do what the preacher said (I was confident the preacher would advise it), but he said we didn’t need it. Awesome.
I don’t want to cancel our wedding. It’s coming up in a few months, and honestly, the idea of telling people and wasting money, and telling our families is awful. I want to marry him. But these things HAVE to be fixed, and I don’t know what else to do. Please tell me that I’m not crazy?