- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
So I titled my post my second time around because well, this is actually my second time around getting married as it is planned for April 11th of 2015. Here’ the problem though, I’m feeling so much anxiety inside and distress over my wedding because I can’t stop over analyzing what true Love really is. It’s making me even more depressed than I am already with constant worry that him and I aren’t meant truly to be together because I don’t get the Butterflies all over my body and the flushed feel good “IN LOVE” rush I felt when I met my sweetie over 8 years ago anymore. I love him, I couldn’t imagine life w/o him I just don’t feel that “IN LOVE” feeling anymore and it really really bothers me. In fact I don’t mean to but it seems like little things get to me and annoy me with him but again it’s because more than likely I don’t feel good inside which I know for a fact I don’t and I don’t like myself 🙁
Now heres the thing, even with my First Husband those tingly feelings didn’t last forever even back then and honestly with every boyfriend I’ve ever had they didn’t last long. Maybe I’m not allowing myself to let those feelings continue as though I’m afraid of getting hurt and don’t allow myself to feel as close to the guy I’m with like I want to in fear of the relationship ending ever and I’d rather just Love them in a more comfort/companionship way? I don’t know, I feel so confused and irritated not knowing why I can’t just go with the flow and enjoy the good things in life.
I will admit I have depression I’ve been dealing with pretty much since childhood, but It didn’t really start showing (My Depression) until my early twenties. I’m 35 going on 36 in July. I’m on anti depressants and a mood stabalizer but that doesn’t even seem to help my depression at all. But I will tell you I know what’s causing alot of it to still stick with me and that’s the despare of feeling lost in life and confused in my own life. I mean look, I do Love the wonderful man I’m with atleast I think I do :/ I know when him and I get into our disagreements and he at times threatens to end the relationship I freak out and bawl my eyes out at the thought of losing him but why does it take that for my well if it’s real and it’s gotta be real the feelings to come out on my despare of losing the guy I’m with. When things are normal I just feel so blah and lost inside. Have I tried convincing myself that I don’t deserve him and he deserves better than me? Well Yes! Have I literally probably convinced my mind I must truly NOT LOVE HIM because I don’t get the willys through my Body or the Tinglys when hes around me? Well, Again Yes I have and I hate that I do that too myself instead of again just going with the flow. However, I’m convinced also that it’s my Mental Health issues that play games with my heart and mind big time and I know from what I’ve heard from others that the MIND is a POWERFUL thing and darn it look what’s happened to me beause of my insecurities within.
With that said, I look forward to taking his last name and am very honored too so that’s not the problem. The chapel is booked, it is NOT Refundable and I don’t want to back down and possibly which is my fear be a chicken’d out Bride because I’m missing that Infatuation feeling I once had and fearfully Chicken out because I’m missing that “Oh My God I have my prince Charming feeling missing”. Again he’s a great man, hes been there for me, yes we’ve had alot of rocky road in the past but things have gotten better. Also ladies, I dont want to be one of these women who relationship Hop from one relationship to the other because I’m constantly looking for that “High” or “Rush” feeling from the Newness of a relationshp and once that “High” goes away I seem to get bored and lose interest in what I’ve got.
Oh alittle backround information: The reason my last marriage didn’t work out was because the last guy I was married to was a non stop Cheater and mentally and emotionally was non stop beating me down. Again that was my Ex Husband who did that.
Sorry this is long but I needed to talk about it. Any thoughts I would appreciate. I just put $200 down on our Chapel yesterday. I even cried at the thought of the beauty of the chapel and the thought of walking down the Aisle but had alot of anxiety within over these darn fears inside.
What is the REAL TRUE meaning of LOVE?
Is it okay to still get married even when that Infatuation, crazy In Love feeling is gone”
Can marriages last that don’t have that Tingly feeling on their Wedding Day or even when lacking that Hopelessly In Love feeling within?
Do only Lasting Marriages have that characteristic?
How do I stop worrying, also getting easily agitated and annoyed with him? I want to change my negative thinking ways but can’t seem to stop 🙁
How do I live in the moment and enjoy what I’m planning and stop Worrying? Help Please 🙁