Second Time Around but having alot of anxiety :( Please don't Bash me!!!!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

It’s not normal to have that first in love/lust feeling all the time. It grows into a more comfortable love. Dealing with day-to-day life, chores, work, etc. makes it unrealistic to feel that way all the time. And that’s ok. Life isn’t a romantic comedy. Things do sometimes get a bit boring. You just have to shake them up a little!

It sounds like you have cold feet. It’s only natural with the wedding stress and having been divorced before. I think many people question things when they’re on the cusp of a huge commitment.

Imagine your life without him in it. If this thought makes you very sad then I would say it’s love and you need not worry!

Post # 5
Member
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know this isn’t your answer to everything, but the tingly feelings DO NOT last. That is the stuff that is in the beginning and it’s great! But then the relationship does become more comfortable and mature and steady – not sure those are the right words, but you know what I mean? If you are looking for tingly you will always be looking. You may be having some wedding jitters + 2nd marriage jitters + depression and it’s making you feel this way. Truly none of us knows how these relationships will for sure go. Good luck to you…

Post # 6
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Mistycat04:  Hugs to you…I can kind of relate to you as I am a second time bride as well.  We are also close in age.  I do have anxiety some of the time about doing it over agian.  I’ve had one serious relationship between my exhusband and my FI just for reference. 

One thing that I have struggled to make peace with is the loss of “butterflies”.  I think it is suppose to happen that way.  When the butterflies leave, it gives “real love” the space to grow in a way.  What I mean by “real love” is being able to love each other for who you are…warts and all so to speak.  So much of a person’s real personality is kind of covered up by the ‘butterly feeling’ that happens at first.  So to answer your question, yes IMO opinion it is not only acceptable to get married without being infatuated but I don’t think I would be able to get married if I were still in the infatuation stage of a realationship.  I want to know that he can handle me at my worst and I want to be able to handle him at his worst too.  No filter if that makes sense.

Hope this helps.  I wish you the best of luck working through this issue.

Post # 9
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hey fellow Wisconsin bee! I get the anxiety, it’s my second marriage too 🙂 and I worry that the first one was a hot mess, so what’s going to be different this time? Thing is, love isn’t a romance novel. The fluttery feelings come and go, but what stays is the knowledge that this is the person you want to be with when you’re both old and wrinkled. I don’t get those butterflies so much, but I do smile and know that I love him when I get ready for work and he’s cleaned off my car and shoveled the driveway, without saying a word. I know that he loves me because when I had a polyp that caused me to bleed like a scene out of Carrie, he didn’t even flinch, he got me together and drove me straight to the doctor, and he freaks OUT at blood. And he knows I love him when he comes home from work and he’s cranky and tired and I’ve got dinner going. It’s the small, every day stuff. Not to say that I don’t want to tackle him and rip his clothes off when he’s looking especially good, I still do! But love is in the every day things.

Post # 10
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Mistycat04:  I haven’t been married before, but my relationship before meeting my fiance lasted for 5 years. The breakup was very painful, it took me a long time (years) to recover, and for years I was absolutely terrified of making another terrible mistake. I was especially scared when my fiance (boyfriend at the time) moved in – I was so anxious, I was literally waking up in the middle of the night hyperventilating.

Ultimately, this is what calmed me down: we are an awesome team. He is always on my side and we get through things together. Coming home to him every day makes every day better, no matter how shitty it was. He understands me, sees all my flaws, and still loves me. The tingly feelings don’t last, certainly not on a daily basis – I don’t think our bodies could handle that kind of adrenaline on a long term basis! Infatuation always fades, and things can start to feel mundane when you are stuck in a daily routine and I can definitely understand thinking “oh no, is that all there is, forever and ever?”

However, you can always work to get some of those feelings back. Organize romantic date nights, even if it’s just a candlelit dinner together at home with a little wine, no phone, with the TV off. My fiance and I like to take walks through our neighborhood together when the weather’s nice and just talk. Basically, try to do things that do not involve errands or chores, so you can talk and have fun together. They always say love takes work, and it’s a cliche but it’s true!

Post # 11
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re having this anxiety. *hugs* See if you can take a weekend for yourself and just relax. Can you talk to a counselor about these feelings? If your WB date is correct you have 13 months to get things figured out.

I don’t have much advice to you except this: Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. If you feel confident in choosing to love this man, and only this man, forever, then you have your answer. Love-as-choice may not always feel good or joyful or tingly. But love-as-choice goes so much deeper than emotions. I would spend a little bit of time thinking that over, and spending some quality R&R time for yourself to decompress.

Best of luck to you! Sending good thoughts and prayers your way 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think having butterfly feeling 24/7 for years will drive me crazy.  True, from time to time, I missed the feeling of crazily in love with my ex but I know on my book, true love does not mean prince charming forever. After all what disney movie did not tell us what does prince charming and princess does daily afterward.  Even with prince charming and princess, they still have to have normal lives, have their up & down, have flaw. After years of dramatic relatinoship, I really enjoy my relationship with FI.  Do I go crazy for him? Never but he makes me smile all the time.  Do I get the “high” feeling from him? Not really but he does help me focus on other part of my life.  I enjoy his company while I can focus on my career, life and education without worrying he won’t be there supporting me. Most importantly, he will never judge me… heck, he never say a word when I suddenly host a protest in downtown with a bunch of strangers I recruited through facebook and newspaper… yet, he never say a word but only tell me be careful and keep in touch with him. 

During wedding planning, I think it’s normal that we question ourselves is that it?  It’s no longer just commited in a relationship.  It mean marrying to this man forever through rain & shine. It also mean marrying into his family, accepting his good and bad forever.  It’s a tough decision and of course we would freak out. Just try to think back the past years, the time he makes you smile. The time you feel safe around him… that may help you clear up these confusion 

Post # 13
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Mistycat04:  Yes, I think it is ok.  Sorry if it was confusing.  Like one of the PP said, love really is a choice.  It is not a movie so to speak.  I choose my FI because I can’t imagine it being better with anyone else. 

Post # 16
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

you NEED to look up Sheryl Paul and conscious transitions.  I went through something similar.  One day I just randomly had the thought “what if he’s not the one?” and it tore me up.  For 2 months.  I couldn’t eat or sleep, I barely worked… I lost 20lbs in a matter of weeks, I was a mess.  I couldn’t bear the thought of living without him, but the idea of marriage and “what if…” was ripping me up.  I felt like either decision I made – get married, don’t get married – was going to completely break me.

I had never loved anything like I love my FI – I always remembered feeling like we must be that couple that people are jealous of, that we have the fairy tale, rock your world kind of love (and I now feel that again!) – but the anxiety was clouding all of that and I felt completely seperated from him.  From myself even.  I wasn’t feeling the fluttery, gooey butterfly feelings… and hadn’t for a while (we’d been together nearly 5 years.

I signed up for the forums with Sheryl Paul, listened to her sessions on her site and was able to talk with other people going through it and hear stories of people who had gotten passed it.  I also started seeing a therapist and my Dr. gave me some medication to control my anxiety (dropping 20lbs in 2 weeks was not good – I needed the help). 

Within two weeks of starting therapy and the medication, I felt “normal” again.  I could eat.  I could sleep.  I could enjoy my fiance.  I kept up with the therapy for a few months until I felt completely myself again…

Now – a year later – I’m back to my old self!  I LOOOOOVE my fiance!  Do I have butterflies and think he farts rainbows?  No.  He still pisses me off sometimes and we’re very comfortable with eachother after 6 years.  BUT he makes me SOOOO happy, I just hug him and kiss him all the time and think he’s pretty much the greatest thing ever.  I’m so lucky that I found such an amazing partner.  I’m so excited to get married.

You really should look up this woman as a first step.  What you’re feeling is completely normal – so many people go through it but our culture is so caught up in how you should feel when engaged, that they forget to talk about the scary parts…

http://conscious-transitions.com/tag/sheryl-paul/

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