(Closed) Secret elopment, "real" wedding later

posted 6 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@bumblepup:  There are like 100 threads about this if you do a search. Some people on here are very…err…passionate…about how this is wrong on every level under the universe.  Personally, I don’t see what the big whoop is. GO FOR IT. It makes sense to YOU and it doesn’t matter that people who aren’t in your shoes don’t like it.

 

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I have a couple of friends who did this.  If this is what you and your FI want, go for it!

The only regret that my friends are having now, is sadness when their real anniversary hits, because the rest of the family doesn’t know and celebrates their “anniversary” with them when the wedding was held.  I’m not writing that well, but hopefully you know what I mean.  So anyway, that’s just something to think about.  Congrats either way!  😀

EDIT: I wrote this without my glasses on, so forgive any typos, lol

Post # 6
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If it makes sense go for it. @LuluInLove:  is right, there are a lot of people who are “passionate” about this topic.  I think it boils down to: if anyone every finds out that youve “lied” to them, it’s probably not going to be pretty.

I know my mum would never forgive me for going behind her back let alone carrying on like nothing had changed. But that’s just me.

 

Post # 10
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was married 10 years ago.  We struggled with the idea of telling people or keeping it a secret.  We didn’t live near any family, so a secret would have been easy.  We did go to the courthouse and it was quite uneventful.  We went back to work.

In the end we told people.  Not a big annoucement, just close family and friends.  I didn’t want to live a lie and I didn’t want to have to watch my words everytime we spoke.  Those were the reasons.

I did tell everyone to NOT make a big deal about it, becasue I wanted to “redo” it all when the X was healthy (he needed a life saving surgery).

Well that redo enver happened for several reasons and I felt so bad that it all came and went.  Not even a card from my work friends!  So upsetting.

Now our parents did host parties for us in our respective states (as a result no guests overlapped and our parents never met) months after the X was healthy.  It was just so blah over all.  That blah day at the courthouse was my only day.  Yuck.  He was a douchebag to top it off!

Having a second chance this time around, I’m putting so much thought and dicussions with FI into how this day will go.  I want to do it right (for us) so badly.   I don’t want a repeat of my first experience ever.  I am of the notion that you only get one day, so make it how you want. 

Most people don’t condone withholding truths, and most people woudl side eye a wedding where you’re already married – so it is a conundrum I know this.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not one of the people who is offended by an elopement followed by a wedding celebration… BUT…

if you’re going to be lying about it to your family, that I think is a really bad way to start off a marriage.  Unless your family sucks and won’t be coming to your wedding, I’d suggest being honest with them?  Otherwise they will probably find out at some point (maybe even on your wedding day when they realize you don’t need to sign a marriage license) and could be justified in being very, very hurt.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I know you have a variety of reasons but what’s another 4 months in the grand scheme of things? You can do whatever you want, it’s your life, but it can come off to some as deceitful. If you’re ready to deal with the possible judgement or cricism that could come if the secret gets out then more power to you! But who knows, people could not care too. I would just be prepared for both possibilities. 

From other threads I’ve seen about this, be prepared that people will say the wedding in October would be a vow renewal.

Post # 13
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@bumblepup:  One of my ex’s friends got married Dec 31st one year in a vegas wedding for tax purposes (no idea, really). Anyways, he told his close friends, their parents, and no one else. They didn’t change anything from living apart to even wearing a ring! They decided, a few years later, they really wanted to get married, like you, in the eyes of God, which they saw as “for real”. He proposed, they had rings, the wedding, the whole shabang.

Was anyone upset? No, not really. I think that they kept it smooth by telling parents and friends, “Listen, we are legally married, but only for government purposes. We do not consider ourselves a married couple and would prefer that it isn’t put out there that we are married until we choose to do it for real.”

Whatever your reasoning, I hope you make choices that work for you!

 

Post # 15
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

would the church allow this?

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