Secret Marriage…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Umm first of all, there must be some kind of reason the plans just got suddenly dropped. Do you have any idea about this? There is really no easy way to do this, just sit down and start talking… things will flow from there.

Post # 3
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This sounds like money issues on their part (maybe?). If there still nice to you then I dont know what else could make them cancel.  Maybe the mom promised a big wedding that they couldnt really afford. 

As long as everyone is still communicating well (the in laws like you etc) I would plan a reception and have a very small simple ceremony. Then dont even bother telling them that you were married before hand.  Just as an idea – have a back yard / park reception (casual and relaxed) with a short but sweet ceremony at the beginning. You could wear a cute short dress and have a great band and just concentrate on having fun. (Assuming that would make you happy). 

You do need to tell the officient but if its someone who is relaxed then it shouldnt be an issue. Most non religious officients concentrate on just the bride and groom. If you explain the situation Im sure they would be happy to preform the ceremony without mentioning the fact that your already married.

[OR Go somewhere for a honeymoon (Vegas, Niagra Falls, a tropical beach, a cruse, a national park…) and mail back “We got hitched!” post cards.]

Im not saying lie or anything, I just dont see how the fact is important if you have a little ceremon or elpopment post cards. However the longer you wait the bigger the risk of hurting feelings.

One note is that if you do choose not to tell people, you may want to do the reception / post cards very close to the date you got married so that you can spoof your anniversary date. 

After a couple of years no one will know or care. It will be a funny story of secret romance to tell the kids. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  .
Post # 4
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 Just tell them. ‘Hey Mom, you remember the craziness that happened last year with wedding planning? Well, no need to worry about round 2 of planning, we got married at city hall’. You’re both grown adults, you need to face this like an adult.

Post # 5
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

arcusiris:  wow that sucks!! Do you still plan on having a big wedding? If so I would tell them then if not just tell them now

Post # 9
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would follow what ImperialRed suggested to you; especially your husband is relying on them for his schooling.  I am Chinese too and I heard Jewish culture is very closed to Chinese culture… so I assume from hiding the fact of getting married “without their approval” will just pour oil to the fire… 

So I would suggested to let your husband talk to your “in laws” and due to his schooling and the financial situation; you two would like to have a small ceremony with family.  sugar coated it that it is important to have her there and her blessing…. etc. 

Then just wait a few years and host your dream wedding/vow renewal.  That way, nobody has hard feeling. 

Post # 10
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have your husband discuss his parents’ issues with you and the idea of you being his wife. They’re more likely to be honest with him than they are with both of you around and he can get to the bottom of things.

Then he can grow a set and tell them that he’s a grown man with no need for their permission, that he loves you, and that you and he will let them know when they can expect an invitation to any marital celebrations in the future.

Then you go about your lives and plan for a reception or a vow renewal whenever you want. And if anyone asks, you tell them you got married at a courthouse when you were poor students and that you plan on saving for the wedding of your dreams at a later date.

Post # 12
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow, that sucks. But I guess now at least they know, and you two can move on with your lives and be happily married!

Post # 13
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

arcusiris:  Disowning a child is pretty horrific, but I have to admit… I’d be so incredibly hurt if my child got married and kept it a secret from me for a year. This must be an incredibly painful situation for everyone involved.

I’m sorry that your first wedding fell through, and I am sorry for what you’re going through now. I wouldn’t be planning a wedding at this point with all of the family drama going on.  Weddings are for celebrating with your loved ones. But the marriage is for you and your DH, and you’ve got that, so enjoy your marriage, which hopefully everyone now knows about.

Post # 14
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

arcusiris:  “They are paying for his school and even he doesnt trust his parents that they wouldn’t pull his funding if he didnt “follow by their rules.” I’m kind of stuck and will just continue working in the meantime. We also can’t really afford to take out 200k in student loans.”

So, basically, you got married and kept it a secret because you didn’t want them to withdraw their financial support?  Yikes, I don’t think that was such a good call.

I’m all for making your own decisions and going against your family if needed.  But you can’t do that whiel you are depending on them to support you.  Money talks and if they are supporting you you either have to play by their rules or be prepared to support yourself.

Here are your choices:

1) Continue to lie until your DH finishes school, at which point they will have no recourse to withhold the money.  I would imagine the damage to your relationships with his parents will suffer more than by coming clean earlier.

2) Come clean now, try to mitigate as well as you can.  Probably better for the long term relationship, but for a controlling family to see that you are manipulating them, I would expect fire works.

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