Post # 1
This is a long story but I’ll keep it simple and to the point. I got engaged and started planning my wedding. Both sides of the family seemed okay at first. I got everything planned from catering to venue to band and even had my save the dates already printed out. My FMIL even went dress shopping with me. Then one day, my FIL had a panic attack and had us cancel everything. And I mean everything. Just had to drop it. No discussions. (They were paying for most of it so I guess… it was okay?) Anyway, I was extremely upset but did not want it to get in the way of my happiness. My FI (now husband) just went to city hall and got married. However, neither my parents nor his know. It’s been a year since our marriage and we still haven’t told them. Is there anyway to break the news…? Sooner than later? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and not mention anything until we are ready to plan a reception?
Post # 2
Umm first of all, there must be some kind of reason the plans just got suddenly dropped. Do you have any idea about this? There is really no easy way to do this, just sit down and start talking… things will flow from there.
Post # 3
This sounds like money issues on their part (maybe?). If there still nice to you then I dont know what else could make them cancel. Maybe the mom promised a big wedding that they couldnt really afford.
As long as everyone is still communicating well (the in laws like you etc) I would plan a reception and have a very small simple ceremony. Then dont even bother telling them that you were married before hand. Just as an idea – have a back yard / park reception (casual and relaxed) with a short but sweet ceremony at the beginning. You could wear a cute short dress and have a great band and just concentrate on having fun. (Assuming that would make you happy).
You do need to tell the officient but if its someone who is relaxed then it shouldnt be an issue. Most non religious officients concentrate on just the bride and groom. If you explain the situation Im sure they would be happy to preform the ceremony without mentioning the fact that your already married.
[OR Go somewhere for a honeymoon (Vegas, Niagra Falls, a tropical beach, a cruse, a national park…) and mail back “We got hitched!” post cards.]
Im not saying lie or anything, I just dont see how the fact is important if you have a little ceremon or elpopment post cards. However the longer you wait the bigger the risk of hurting feelings.
One note is that if you do choose not to tell people, you may want to do the reception / post cards very close to the date you got married so that you can spoof your anniversary date.
After a couple of years no one will know or care. It will be a funny story of secret romance to tell the kids.
Post # 4
Just tell them. ‘Hey Mom, you remember the craziness that happened last year with wedding planning? Well, no need to worry about round 2 of planning, we got married at city hall’. You’re both grown adults, you need to face this like an adult.
Post # 5
arcusiris: wow that sucks!! Do you still plan on having a big wedding? If so I would tell them then if not just tell them now
Post # 6
Sorry for my lack of response. I didn’t see the updated thread on my profile.
So in more detail:
I think that my mother in law sn’t really sure about me. Her son is Jewish and I am Chinese. They aren’t racist nor are they very religious, but I don’t think they understand my culture.
In Chinese culture, dates are very important as to when one gets married. My dad picked Feb 8th for as the ideal day for the both of us to get married. I know it sounds superstitious but it’s something that means a lot to my dad. My husband’s mom however, hates winter and complained about the date. She was very unhappy about it and did not even want to fly out for the wedding.
That sort of blew over though. My fiance and I decided to move in together since we both live in New York City and rents are expensive with two apartments. She had her lawyer give me a contract stating that I would pay half the rent and utilities otherwise I would have to move out! To me, this felt very controlling especially since living with my fiance is sort of our own business.
She even had a lot of suggestions on my wedding registry. I wanted a pink kitchenaid mixer and she told me that the color would stand out too much in the kitchen and that she heard the cuisnart ones were better. I think maybe she means well but she isn’t really expressing it that well.
Regardless, she was the one that cancelled the wedding. It started to get very expensive I suppose but my guest list was not even 18 people and theirs was nearing 90. Most of the cost was really going to be from their side of the family since all of mine is in China and wouldn’t fly out to New York for the wedding.
Regardless, I still plan on having a wedding or a vow renewal, however one wants to see it. But my husband just started going back to school for his masters and I’m still working. We have to take the time to save up and pay for it ourselves, which is fine. However, my husband is scared of telling his parents for fear that they will get angry. They are paying for his school and even he doesnt trust his parents that they wouldn’t pull his funding if he didnt “follow by their rules.” I’m kind of stuck and will just continue working in the meantime. We also can’t really afford to take out 200k in student loans.
By the way, we are both young at 24 so I think it’s hard for my husbadn to stand up to his parents…
Post # 7
AnaA: Yes it was very sudden. After she went wedding dress shopping with me she flew back to Iowa. From there, she called my husband to say that she no longer supported the wedding. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears on my end and his parents have not brought it up since. I talked to my parents about it and they told me they will come around. It’s been a year and I guess I’m still waiting for them to come around…
Post # 8
ImperialRed: Thank you for your advice! I like your light hearted approach to looking at things. I worry too much! I was reading a lot of other threads where people said they would be extrememly offended not knowing. I feel that my situation isn’t the standard so I feel that I have to “work around” other people’s emotions. The only people who don’t know we are married are my parents and his side of the family. All of our friends know and so does my brother. And you’re right, years later, no one will care. I should just try to do it close to our anniversary date.
Post # 9
I would follow what ImperialRed suggested to you; especially your husband is relying on them for his schooling. I am Chinese too and I heard Jewish culture is very closed to Chinese culture… so I assume from hiding the fact of getting married “without their approval” will just pour oil to the fire…
So I would suggested to let your husband talk to your “in laws” and due to his schooling and the financial situation; you two would like to have a small ceremony with family. sugar coated it that it is important to have her there and her blessing…. etc.
Then just wait a few years and host your dream wedding/vow renewal. That way, nobody has hard feeling.
Post # 10
Have your husband discuss his parents’ issues with you and the idea of you being his wife. They’re more likely to be honest with him than they are with both of you around and he can get to the bottom of things.
Then he can grow a set and tell them that he’s a grown man with no need for their permission, that he loves you, and that you and he will let them know when they can expect an invitation to any marital celebrations in the future.
Then you go about your lives and plan for a reception or a vow renewal whenever you want. And if anyone asks, you tell them you got married at a courthouse when you were poor students and that you plan on saving for the wedding of your dreams at a later date.
Post # 11
gpiglet: hi, well as an update, he did talk to his parents recently. His mother disowned him and told him that he is no longer her son. She also added that he needed to suffer for his “poor decision making.” Even if I had a wedding, I don’t think she will be in attendance and maybe her side of the family won’t come either.
I guess not all things can work out perfectly.
Post # 12
Wow, that sucks. But I guess now at least they know, and you two can move on with your lives and be happily married!
Post # 13
arcusiris: Disowning a child is pretty horrific, but I have to admit… I’d be so incredibly hurt if my child got married and kept it a secret from me for a year. This must be an incredibly painful situation for everyone involved.
I’m sorry that your first wedding fell through, and I am sorry for what you’re going through now. I wouldn’t be planning a wedding at this point with all of the family drama going on. Weddings are for celebrating with your loved ones. But the marriage is for you and your DH, and you’ve got that, so enjoy your marriage, which hopefully everyone now knows about.
Post # 14
arcusiris: “They are paying for his school and even he doesnt trust his parents that they wouldn’t pull his funding if he didnt “follow by their rules.” I’m kind of stuck and will just continue working in the meantime. We also can’t really afford to take out 200k in student loans.”
So, basically, you got married and kept it a secret because you didn’t want them to withdraw their financial support? Yikes, I don’t think that was such a good call.
I’m all for making your own decisions and going against your family if needed. But you can’t do that whiel you are depending on them to support you. Money talks and if they are supporting you you either have to play by their rules or be prepared to support yourself.
Here are your choices:
1) Continue to lie until your DH finishes school, at which point they will have no recourse to withhold the money. I would imagine the damage to your relationships with his parents will suffer more than by coming clean earlier.
2) Come clean now, try to mitigate as well as you can. Probably better for the long term relationship, but for a controlling family to see that you are manipulating them, I would expect fire works.
Post # 15
MOHlookingForIdeas: I told my parents as well to be fair and they were completely okay with it. I was actually surprised they took it so well.
It takes a lot to disown a child but I do feel that majority of it is because of how much she dislikes me as opposed to her son not telling her. She told him that she has been searching me on the internet trying to find dirt on me and I secretly feel she doesn’t approve of asians. She has called my family “uneducated peasants” because they came to America with nothing. She lives in the midwest so she isn’t exposed to many different cultures.
It’s sad but at least now I know how she feels and can try to move forward. And if anything, my parents are more than happy to accept my husband into the family.