Post # 1
I was wondering if anyone saw the following from this week’s Dear Prudence column about a couple trying to conceive and the wife finding out after thinking she couldn’t have a baby, that the husband had a secret vasectomy the whole time! Do you agree with Prudie’s advice? I guess I was surprised that Prudie recommended a divorce lawyer immediately.
See Link or portion below.
Infertility: For the past two years my husband Harry and I have struggled with infertility. As a teen I dealt with an STD that could have affected my ability to have children. For that reason, and because Harry said his sperm count was fine, I have always blamed myself for our inability to conceive. We’ve kept our struggle with infertility very quiet. Thankfully, our families have never pressed us about when we’re going to have kids. Last week I broke down to my wonderful mother-in-law about how difficult this experience has been. She frowned at me then said, “Harry reversed his vasectomy, then?” I was shocked, because Harry never mentioned having a vasectomy to me, but apparently he had one as a young man. When I spoke to Harry he admitted that he hasn’t reversed the vasectomy and that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids. He thought if we tried for long enough and never conceived I’d eventually give up trying. He’s apologetic, because he never realized how much I blamed myself for our infertility. He has offered to have his vasectomy reversed or to adopt a child to make his lie up to me. My best friend thinks Harry’s a sociopath, though, and that I should divorce him for being incredibly cruel. I’m in shock, devastated, have no idea what to do.
A: I just looked up “sociopath” and here’s the definition: “(Noun)—A man who allows his wife to despair that she’s infertile when he’s secretly had a vasectomy. (Synonym)—Harry.”
Thank goodness you spilled to your mother-in-law and she spilled that Harry can never spill his seed. What you should do is run to the best matrimonial lawyer in town. Make an appointment today. You are only two years into this sham marriage and if you end it, perhaps can find someone who is not a pathological liar and manipulator with whom you can have children. The fact that a single man would get a vasectomy, then marry a woman who wanted to have children and let her believe there was something wrong with her makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I don’t see how you can share another meal or your bed with this monstrous person. Get out now.
Post # 3
I completely agree with Prudie. He sounds like a sociopath or a very cruel person at the very least. His apologies are only because he got caught. I’m sure he would have been quite chuffed if she never found out about it and never got to have children — something he knew she wanted. I wouldn’t be suprised if he had discouraged adoption or surrogacy as well.
Post # 4
You were surprised? Really? What would you have said? If my husband did something like that to me I would divorce him! What an incredible breach of trust. What else could he be lying about or manipulating? To me that action makes the whole marriage false.
Post # 5
Ya, I tend to agree with that advice quit a bit. you watch the person you love go through that pain and torture for two years…and say nothing? Also, I know that sometimes when FI and I are making love, he will say ” I can’t wait to make a little baby with you” Im sure Harry knew what his wife was hoping for and it must have been mentioned. Who doesn’t TTC and say “Hey, wanna go make a baby” and then sometimes have sex to hopefully just..make a baby?
Post # 6
Wow. I just read this and almost started crying for the woman. I’ve always wanted children, and even though we’re not TTC for a few years still I sometimes worry that we’ll have trouble conceiving. Just experiencing that is devastating, but then to learn that all of the pain you suffered was knowingly piled upon you by the person who you love and trust the most? That is just unfathomable. I hope she divorces him as soon as possible, and thenk goodness the MIL said something.
Post # 7
While the advice may seem a bit extreme, I agree with it. I believe finding this out would definitely put a huge strain on their marriage, and more than likely end in divorce anyway. Its very common for couples to divorce because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t. So I believe Prudence is correct, as staying in the marriage and even seeking counseling would just delay the inevitable.
Post # 8
I’m appalled and beyond disgusted. I can’t believe someone would be so cruel as to potentially ruin someone’s chances of having a child they very much desired. That is something you just can’t ever reclaim if the opportunity passes you by. This guy sounds like he has absolutely no soul and I don’t blame Prudie for giving the advice to get the hell out of that relationship.
I hardly ever agree with situations where people are thinking of turning immediately to divorce (except for cases of DV) but this is one where I think it is a justified course of action. If he can lie to his wife about something so huge, what other skeletons are in his closet? He just sounds like a cruel, heartless man who only thinks of himself.
Post # 10
Wow, that’s horrible. I totally agree with her advice. What kind of person does that? If he’s willing to lie about something that important, I’m sure he lies about lots of other things too. How could she ever trust him again? He was also willing to put her through so much emotional pain, and it didn’t seem to bother him one bit.
Post # 11
Totally agree with her advice. I can’t imagine (especially after going through infertility for two years-it was pure hell) finding out my husband had LIED like that. He is an ass and she needs to find somebody who actually loves her and treats her with respect and wants to have a child with her as badly as she does. I feel so bad for her. 🙁
Post # 12
Yeah, I mean we don’t know all the facts, but it seems like that is kind of an unforgiveable breach of trust and act of utter disrespect. I don’t normally recommend divorce as an option, but I would seriously consider it in this case. Everyone makes mistakes and does things they aren’t proud of, but this is much deeper than that. The husband clearly doesn’t respect the wife and never did if he was willing to lie about something this big and only come clean after being ‘outed’.
Post # 13
I completely agree with seeking divorce. That is beyond cruel and completely dishonest. I can’t even fathom holding in a lie that long while watching the one you (supposedly) love suffer. Sociopath is probably not that far off of a description of him.
Post # 14
@Scc6a: “Just experiencing [infertility] is devastating, but then to learn that all of the pain you suffered was knowingly piled upon you by the person who you love and trust the most? That is just unfathomable.”
Totally agree. Honestly, this breach of trust is so major that it would probably surpass cheating in my mind.
This husband obviously has no respet for his wife and I can’t image how someone could sit around for years watching the woman he supposedly loves suffer terribly, knowing that he is the cause of all that suffering.
Post # 15
Unbelievable that someone would do that to the person they supposedly love. No question about it that is a complete and total breach of trust. I’m not really sure what is surprising about the advice, it’s absolutely spot on.
Post # 16
To me that is definitely grounds for divorce!
How could you trust a man after that?