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I don't think the ring is necessary for planning, but I DO think you should be discussing this stuff with your FI before making decisions - about a venue, a date or anything else! It's okay to keep the planning a secret from most people, but not your FI... IMHO.
I thought J would have no opinions and almost didn't tell him when I started looking into stuff - turns out, he has a lot of opinions and a lot of our decisions we've made together and I think they're going to be better than they would've been if I'd done it alone! (and no, I don't have a ring yet either)
Well my SO knows I want to get married in August, he knows I started looking into wedding stuff, he just doesn't know I picked the venue. We are long distance so he won't be participating much in the planning process and is leaving it up to me. Though you are right daydreamwanderer that his input will ultimately be important as well, seeing as its his big day too.
I too don't think the ring is necessary for planning. My FI and I told our parents and booked our venue even before he got the ring on my finger (he was paying it off in installments to the jeweler at the time). I'm really glad we talked about the various venues though because my FI also had lots of opinions as to what he wanted to do, is comfortable with, venue ideas and so on.
I hope you get your ring soon! Fingers crossed!
I'm planning too with no ring. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I've had lots of hints. He's also mentioned wanting a short engagement, so the more I have ready now, the smoother the engagement will be. He knows the venue and what I want as far as dresses and colors go, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am in looking at this stuff. i.e. My 'webforum' for working girls is code word for WeddingBee. hehe
I think it's completely ok to look and THINK about what you want for your wedding without the ring, but to decide on a date and a venue without his consent? Eh, not my cup of tea. It's HIS wedding too and he really should get a say in those things. What if he HATES the venue you've "chosen"?
I agree with other posters - it's not the ring that's missing or necessary, it's your future husband's input or at least knowledge of what's going on. I did a lot of dreaming and web-planning before we were engaged, but I told my FI before I went anywhere and did anything concrete.
I think it's fine to look and magazines and venues and get ideas ... but don't put any $$ down until that rock is on your finger.
I did a LOT of pre-planning sans ring. In fact I'd picked out our venue like a year before, LOL.
I picked out the venue, sent him a link to it, and he liked it too. I told him he can look for places, too but he was perfectly content to let me pick it and to give it a glance b/c he didn't want to nor did he have the time to deal with it (he had to work 7 days a week w/ crappy internet)
The date we ended up picking was contingent on what they had available.
He was deployed so it wasn't real practical to discuss every single thing. Often I'd decide on a bunch of stuff, make a final decision, and send it his way to inform him what was chosen. Some things up front he told me he was adamant about--no pink for the men, etc. But for the most part, if he felt strongly about something, he knew he had to tell me asap. THey had lots of black outs so sometimes we couldn't talk for a week or email, either.
But if you CAN talk to your FI, you should =]
I wouldn't put money down w/o a ring either.
I don't think it's fair of you to make decisions without you FI involved. It's his day too. You need to be honest with him about your said planning, and at least give him the opportunity to be involved. He may have input from a perspective you haven't even thought about.
As I'm planning, I make "decisions" based on what looks good to me or what I want, and FI gives input based on what's practical, as well as what he would like. You're not marrying yourself, which means it's not just about you. His opinion matters.
So as others have stated, the ring is not the only thing missing.
It's ok to plan without a ring, we did, but it was WE who planned, not just me or just him. I think that's the big difference, it's not fair to plan things behind his back.
it's definately okay to plan without a ring, but like everyone else said, no money down.
if you're looking to get married in august, i think you're doing a great job because you don't want to be completely overloaded when the ring does come and you've got like, 5 months to plan everything.
also, my bf and i have already talked about how i'm supposed to look this up. maybe meet with a few people just so i can have price points for him, figure out whats achievable, and then once i've narrowed it down he can come and check them out.
Well we have talked about budget but he told me I can pretty much make all the decisions...I think he is just particular about the colors, so we will definitely discuss that when the time comes. The thing is, I am not officially planning yet and I don't want to tell him about my "unofficial" planning because I don't want it to affect when he decides to propose. (He doesn't know I know he has the ring).
It seems you have talked about a few things, and I understand you not wanting to affect his proposal, but I think you should either just ask if he is ok with you finding a place and booking (or at least finding out costs) or not ask and be content with just doing some research. Going too far ahead, even if you are going to do all the planning, without his knowledge doesn't seem quite right to me.
Its cool to plan w/o a ring... it really is just a formality, but a formality none the less.
I would never do anything w/o him knowing... We plan, but do nothing official and he is aware of all of my research. Our feet are wet and thats as far as it goes until UNofficial is transformed into official.
We want a shorter engagment... lol otherwise I'd need a 3 year engagement to plan!
I had planned our entire wedding before getting formally engaged. Deposits and all. Mind you our situation was a little different-- we live overseas and were only going to be home for the summer and FI wanted to buy my ring in the US.
I have to say though, I would have preferred not having done it that way. There is something significant in having that ring on your finger and knowing you are engaged. FI was so passive about the wedding planning that I wondered if he was even truly serious. Even when it was all booked I was nervous. It wasn't until he proposed that I felt truly comfortable about it all (even though he had been fully in on the planning all along). It may seem like merely a formality but there is something significant in knowing that he put serious thought into a marriage and financial commitment. A ring doesn't necessarily mean anything in itself--but for me, it was the comfort of knowing that he was truly on-board & serious about this (not just me putting pressure on him or imagining it).
When he did propose, it was special--but there was definitly the pressure on him because our wedding is this August.
I can understand your frustration over knowing he has the ring and wanting to have your wedding this August. But I don't think you should make any real commitment yet. And especially without his input.
You didn't have a neither, so I didn't vote.
I think that now that you have a first-choice venue, I would start doing things like thinking about guest lists, planning style, and weighing what your budget will/could be. That stuff is fun (well style is), necessary, and not causing you to form any obligations.
I didn't vote because there was no in between option. But once we started seriously talking about marriage, I had started doing some research. There's definitely no harm at all in that. My MO was purely from a financial standpoint, as I was trying to plan how much $$ we both needed to start socking away. Inevitably, my budget has been wratcheted up, but it was helpful to be able to hit the ground running when we did get engaged.
That said, I wouldn't go as far as booking anyone/place unless you've both agreed to it. Lot of ladies here have set dates, gone venue and dress shopping, etc, before they got the ring, but I think the key is reeeallly make sure you're on the same page about it.
I'm with most in that there's nothing wrong with planning, but no money down. I, myself, have a complete web folder of things that I would want to do for the wedding, venues, photographers, etc., but I've never contacted or put any money down for any of it because I don't have a ring yet.
Hmm...I say you make him give you the ring. Problem solved!
jk but wouldn't it be simplier if you could just get it already? Boys and their waiting for their perfect moments...you are trying to plan a wedding here! :)
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Hey Bees! So I know my SO has the ring, no clue when he is going to propose but I already started planning because I want to get married in August of this year. He knows I want to get married in August but doesn't know I looked at a few venues already and decided on "the one." So now I just need the ring and only then will I be ready to put down a deposit for a date.
I feel like it might be too early (or crazy) to start planning any other aspects of the wedding because technically nothing is for sure yet. What are your thoughts? Should I be making any more lists or meeting with vendors? What takes the longest amount of time in this whole wedding planning process.