Seeking Help with Husband

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you sat down with him and explained everything you just said here? What was his reaction?

Post # 4
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MellowPossum:  If you love him, leaving him just because he quits his job shouldn’t even be on the table as an option – at all.  I’m confused about that.  You married him, didn’t you trust him to always have your best interest at heart?  You’ve already threatened to leave him so the damage is done.  The man is depressed and hates his job.  And his wife has threatened to leave him.

How about being kind, patient, loving and supportive?  You married this man and presumably love him.  I can’t fathom telling my husband, whom I love more than I can adequately describe in words, that since he’s down my plan is to kick him and cause even more pain than he’s already currently experiencing.

You need to make a choice, within yourself, to either be MARRIED to this man or NOT.  If you choose to honor your commitment, then honor it.  Give the guy a break.  You should be on the same side, the same team as him.  The two of you, together, can make a plan to get out of this mess.  Nothing should come between you, least of all the stresses and problems of life we all face.

If you choose to stay with him, no matter what, then tell him you were wrong to threaten leaving.  That you have his back, that you will trust him to take care of you and do his part in the marriage.  As much as you do your part.  Together the two of you can conquer anything – with love and respect.

Or, leave, file for divorce and free him to find his best friend, soulmate and lover for life, otherwise known as a WIFE.

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunfire:  I have to agree with a lot of this.

OP, I do understand this is hard for you, but I think this is one of those times that you have to be there for your spouse. It sounds like he is very depressed, and as Sunfire pointed out, threatening to leave him is not helping the situation,

If you can’t find a job in your field, maybe you have to take something minimum wage to make things work. I think instead of flat out threatening to leave him you need to discuss options: is he willing to work minimum wage? Talk to his parents before he quits to see if they will help you out? How will quitting affect his Visa (assuming he still has one)? Is it possible to move to another city or state with more opportunity?

I think it’s wrong for him to make this decision without consulting you at all, but you can’t just walk out because he does something you don’t like.

ETA: You should also look into free or low-cost mental health professionals and services in your area. He is literally crying out for help on this issue, and you can’t ignore it.

 

Post # 8
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

A year ago you couldn’t get a UK Visa, could you now? You’re married to a UK Citizen, it might make it easier now. I know it would be hard, but if he wants to go back to England, would you consider that as you had a year ago?

Post # 9
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Sunfire:  This, exactly.

 

Turn it the other way. You moved to the UK, suffering from depression, and want quit a job that makes you horribly miserable. Your husband threatens you with divorce if you do. Would you, hand on heart, not feel that he was willing to disregard your health and happiness?

 

When my FI and I were first together he hated his job so much he came home in tears most days. He’d been kicked out of his rented home so stayed with me. He was also paying rent on accommodation in his university town for when he stayed there to finish his final year, as well as other bills. I encouraged him to quit his job. I couldn’t stand seeing him so desperately unhappy. It meant we delayed buying a house, I had to support him totally, and we didn’t do nearly as many of the things that new couples do. But, he was so much happier and turned everthing around for himself. That to me was more important than anything else.

 

It does sound like your husband needs help with his depression and the fact that he is obviously not happy with his life right now. All I can advise you to do is have a rational, honest discussion together about this and work out if you’d really be happier in your marriage if he was happier in his job. It sounds like there are other issues at play.

ETA: This crossed over with your second post which clarified a couple of things, so take from this what you will!

Post # 10
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MellowPossum:   Can you go to the UK with him?  You may love it, if you gave it a chance.

One thing you mentioned struck a chord with me, and that’s the fact you were raised with little to nothing, financially speaking.  Sometimes that kind of background causes a trigger when it comes to money issues – a fear response.

If you can understand that the two of you together are much, much stronger than either of you alone, it can help alleviate your fear.  He was raised with a comfortable amount of resources which causes him to know and trust that things can and will get better.

Talk to him.  Be there for him and don’t give up – not on yourself, not on him and not on your marriage.  You can do this!  PLENTY of people are facing the same struggles you two are facing.  My heart goes out to you.  I am not making light of your suffering.  But don’t give up on love.  You married him for a reason.  Have faith in it.

Post # 12
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MellowPossum:  if he’s openly speaking about suicide, he needs to seek help NOW in the form of counseling at the very least.  His hate of his job might be a symptom, not a cause and if he’s saying he wishes you both were dead, that’s NOT a good sign.

Post # 14
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He needs treatment for his depression first and foremost.  Nothing will be solved until that issue is taken care of.  Look for providers who offer services on a sliding scale basis, or find out if you qualify for Medicaid.  Free support groups are available and even that would be better than nothing!

 

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This situation is SO difficult. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine. IMO first and foremost you need to deal with the job issue & your husband’s depression. From my vantage point, his depression seems like it could be very circumstancial based on all of the major life changes that he has been dealt in a short amount of time, but it’s hard to say with this limited information (obviously). But if he is talking suicide, his situation has GOT to change. That has to be both of your priorities. It seems like life has been beating you both down and I’m so sorry for that, but I think you need to break these problems down one by one and start relying on each other to tackle them. The good news is, that things can actually be easier if you approach these problems as a team. Relying on each other and the rest of your community for emotional support & cheering each other on is the only way you’ll get through this. And you will get through this. Here are some steps that you could take:

1. Both of you should be applying for EVERY job under the sun right now. Every job. Minimum wage, pie-in-the-sky jobs, jobs in other areas, jobs in the UK, and more. I imagine it would be much easier to get a visa if you have a job lined up there, no? Even if you don’t love what you get, take it and keep applying. You both need to be making money right now but it is not feasible to expect your husband to keep working in a job that is making him miserable. He is in a crisis right now and needs a change of scenery, until you both can afford to address his problems in a more substantive way. But seriously, not a day should go by where both of you are not sending your resumes out at least once.

2. Reach out ot your community for help. Seriously. Call your friends and ask them if they know of any jobs. Ask them for help–emotional support, anything. Ask them for references. Post on Facebook that you’re looking for leads for work.

3. Both of you should consider going to a temp agency and both of you should definitely go to a career counselor/job scout/what have you. Get yourselves set up with something temporary while you search for something more permanent. 

4. Seek medical attention for your depression & your husband’s depression. Do some research on low-or-no cost “pay what you can” psychiatrists. Follow through with that and help support each other in reaching out.

5. Evaluate what the long-term career goals are for both of you. I know it may seem impossible right now when you’re just treading water, but having a long-term goal will help focus you and give you hope. It will also help you get through the less-than-ideal jobs that you may have to take in the meantime, and it may give you clarity on what minimum-wage jobs might put you in a good position for your later goals.

6. Both of you need to start to build a richer life outside of work. I imagine your husband is feeling very isolated and hopeless right now in part because he does not have any support system of friends or family (aside from yours) in the area. Encourage him to join a free sports team or book club or ANYTHING that will give his life meaning outside of the drudgery of work. If he has a hobby, I’m sure there is a group out there somewhere that he can join to explore that hobby & meet new people.

7. If none of this works and you still don’t know what to do, be 100% honest with his family and ask them for advice. It sounds like they are a support network for your husband and even if they can’t support you financially, they may be able to support you emotionally.

I know you are probably overwhelmed and beaten down right now, but it will get better. Tackle this problem like you would any other problems at work–strategically, and in smaller pieces–and you will see results. If you find your resume being rejected repeatedly, seek the advice of a career counselor and/or friends who are good at writing/crafting resumes. Every problem you have posted is manageable, but only if you reach out for help. Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MellowPossum: Another thought because i can’t get your situation out of my head: Obviously there is a major downside to what you are dealing with. But hard as it is to believe, there is an upside: you two don’t really seem to have any strings tying you to a job or a place right now. This means that you are much more nimble than someone who owns a house (I’m assuming you don’t) or has kids. How old are you? Do you have a college degree? Does your husband? If so, you could probably teach English somewhere awesome for a year or two, have your plane ticket and possibly even your housing paid for by the program. I had a friend who did this in Korea recently and saved up something like $20,000 with two years’ work. He lives very cheaply, but he didn’t skimp a ton. Also, most other countries have drastically subsidized healthcare so that would solve the insurance problem. Just a thought. You have so many options right now, even if it is hard to see them.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors