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Just a few thoughts...
Is there a reason he is only looking at graduate schools in California? Is it absolutely not an option for him to go to school on the east coast?
I understand you not wanting to move to California right now when you are only dating right now. However, you may not always be able to stay near your family and within your comfort zone, regardless of who you date. So if there are great school or job opportunities beyond the east coast, in California, or elsewhere, don't be afraid to pursue them!
When my husband and I graduated from college, we also ended up on opposite coasts to pursue our own job opportunities. After a year, I ended up moving to California - not just for him, but for myself and an awesome job opportunity. I'm glad that I waited until I had my own reasons before I moved out to California. I didn't want to lose my sense of self, identity, and accomplishment by just blindly following my boyfriend out to where he had a job. He would have never wanted me to give up on my own aspirations either!
I totally hear you that 4-6 years of long distance is an incredibly long time. What are his thoughts on the relationship? If you still love him an you feel like you want to make it work, then don't give up on the relationship just yet. Time has a way of figuring things out - maybe your relationship will grow stronger and the two of you will find a way to be together. If not, then don't be afraid to be on your own. You're too young to tie yourself down and give up on everything that you want!
Definitely don't uproot your life and your future plans just for a guy... UNLESS you are 100 percent certain being with him makes you happier than those plans you originally had. Chances are you would end up resenting him for ruining your plans.. and the relationship would eventually fail.. with you thousands of miles away from home!
You definitely need to have some long serious discussions with him to see where your lives are headed. If you are both determined to spend your lives together, there should be enough compromise on both sides so that you can both be happy.
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Before you make a lot of decisions about moving across country, you should probably discuss your relationship with your bf. Have you been together for long? Are you both on the same page about marriage or engagement plans? Do you both see this relationship as potential marriage material? Are there other things you want to experience individually before committing to a 4-6 year long-distance relationship (e.g. careers, travel, living alone, learning to manage finances, etc...)?
Also, is he graduating this year? It might be a very different siutation if he has already been accepted into the Califormia program than if he still has a year or two to go before graduation. Although he might have his sights set on that program, he could always change his mind, not get accepted, decide to put off grad school for a couple years, etc... I just graduated last May, and while I always thought I would go straight to grad school, other things came up and I'm pushing it off a bit.
I can tell you that, for me, issues like who was giving up more, or who what was fair in compromising in our relationship just didn't matter. We started dating about a month after beginning college, and even though we were young, marriage was on both of our minds really soon. When it came time to graduate, make school or career plans, etc... it wasn't an issue of "will I give up the life I feel comfortable in and my dreams of school and career in order to be with this guy." That wasn't an issue because the thought never even came up in my mind. There was no alternative to me besides being with my Fi. Even if careers or school had put us in a long-distance relationship for a few years, it didn't matter becuase we are strong enough to suffer through a couple crappy years apart since we know we'll be together for the rest of our lives.
I think the most important part is to figure out what you want to happen. Do you want to be married to this guy? If you're not comfortable with moving for him, asking him to stay on the East Coast for you, or being in a long-distance relationship until you can be together, this might not be a relationship that will eventually turn into marriage for you. After you figure your side out, if you still want to be with him, maybe sit down and talk with your bf. Hopefully, you'll be able to come to a resolution that you both agree on.
Multi-year long distance relationships? It takes work, accepting risk, and lots of trust and faith. Enjoying flying also helps.
The two of you need to talk about your relationship. If you love each other very much, then both need to discuss your fears about the distance. If you're still not feeling comfortable after this talk, maybe you do need to decide to break it off.
However, if you feel that you can proceed with the long distance, then dive in. Make plans for traveling back and forth (both of you). Learn to love Skype and Gchat. E-mail and text each other with love letters...or you can do that snail mail! After a while, reassess. Is it working? If yes, then what can the both of you do to make it stronger? If no, what can the both of you do to repair it? Do you want to repair it? Is it time to break up?
It's a risk. I'm engaged, and it's been over 1.5 years since we've been an ocean away from each other (and will be for another half a year). We made the decision to try long distance, and constantly reassessed and made our relationship stronger as a result. We also talked about where we would live after we got married...and he's moving to be with me. I have a stable job, and he has skills that (hopefully) will transfer here to the States.
I worry for him and us. What if he can't get a job? What if I can't make enough money to support us? It's a risk, and I have faith that we will figure something out. I agree with emileee; don't be afraid to be on your own and trust your gut. You'll make the right decision.
Good luck!
My fiance and I started dating when we were in college. After graduation, he moved to Pittsburgh for grad school and I stayed in NC to work. After 6 months, even though we weren't engaged, we decided that it was worth a shot for me to move to Pittsburgh and see where things went. Two years later we're tying the knot! My best advice is to just let the relationship progress naturally. :)
This is really somethign that you need to assess with your b/f. Why is he looking at just Cali, or is that really the best place for him to be? How much farther behind are you, a year (or two) or months? Is this the person you really want to be with for the rest of your life?
People have their success stories with long distance, others have there not so successful stories with long distance (like me). Maybe you won't know until you try it, but have a plan. There is definite reason to have such reservations especially without a long term committment but remember this won't solve your problem.
Have a heart to heart with him and trust your instincts they are almost always right.
Good Luck!
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I agree that you should let this unfold naturally. If he goes to California, you'll still be in school for the first bit, so you're going to be long distance there. As you graduate, re-evaluate where you are. Maybe you'll want to try the long-distance thing a little longer, maybe you'll be ready to move, or maybe he'll be in a position where he wants to move. Above all you should be in a place where you can decide on the best decision for both of you. Is your relationship in a place where he is making his grad school decisions considering your preferences?
There's nothing that says you have to make it all or nothing---go now or never---you could go in 6 months, or a year, or 2 years, or 3 years, or never...the most important thing would be that if you go to California you go when you are ready. And it sounds like you are definitely not ready now. There is nothing wrong with that. Plans change, people change. Who says he will definitely go to California, and that if he does go, that he will stay there? I have more friends who've changed grad schools and quit grad school than friends who've stayed in for the full ride. And there are lots of girls on here who have weathered many years of long distance and gotten through it with a wonderful relationship intact. Then there are others for whom the distance has proven to be too much. But in those cases where it didn't work, I don't think it was the distance that didn't work but that the relationship didn't work. The distance was just the means by which the non-working-ness of the relationship manifested.
Don't drive yourself crazy trying to plan your entire future right now when so much is unknown variables. You can't make him or you take on more than you are ready for, and it sounds like maybe you are not ready for any cross-country moves just so you can stay together. Focus on keeping the lines of communication open. Work with where you are right now, not on where you hypothesize you might be in four years. I know it's hard to deal with that uncertainty, but if you give it some time I think the proper path will become more clear.
wow! i honestly feel so lucky that the community here so so responsive and supportive :) i was worried that this seemed too trivial a topic to pursue alongside all these wedding-planning topics :) thank you so so much ladies
he is majoring in/wanting to teach astrophysics, and that is the type of PhD he is pursuing (to be honest, i really have no idea how that works. i am an engineer and NOT planning on pursuing anything further than a master's - which seems a lot simplier than the grad school/postdoc/phD path!) from what he tells me, most of the astronomy programs he wants to be in are on the west coast ...except one at harvard on the east coast and both of us know realistically, chances of getting into that college are slim to none. the other uni's that offer what he wants are the UC's, which obviously, are all in california :( @ emilee, if i *do* find a job or opportunity in cali or elsewhere, i would take it! but simply moving out there because of a guy i am not married to is.. i dont think i can do that. ultimately, i feel that it is unfair to myself and even unfair that i am the one giving up everything/uprooting just so he can pursue his own dream ... you know? i have my dreams too! we both attend an ivy league school and i am NOT going to waste this education following him around.
i have tried to have discussions with him about it. though he is receptive and everything, it is hard to talk about when he hasn't heard back from all the schools yet. i feel silly because i mean, we ARE young - he is 21 and i am 20 (i hope that doesnt make this sound too "immature"..) and i know that by the time he does leave for graduate school, it will still be way too early for the two of us to be engaged (or, thats what i think anyway, for me personally).
i guess what im trying to say... i had my heart broken by my bf of four years the past year. and im scared of getting too attached to this guy bc i might get my heart broken when he leaves for graduate school. he is not willing to "give up" going to a certain school for me, and i know that long distance for that long will likely not work. so perhaps i think it is best to break it off now, instead of wasting an extra year getting attached? i just dont see how well college/high school sweethearts manage to coordinate their lives after graduation!! it seems so mind boggling to me - like it involves so much luck in finding jobs in certain areas so it can work for the both of you. that, or one person has to be willing to sacrifice a LOT for the other - and i dont want to move around just for him, and he doesnt want to be barred from a school because its too far from me - both of which i feel are fair points.
sigh.. too many possibilities! this makes me so stressed out. we are planning to have a "talk" this weekend, when our academics and such die off a bit, but i dont really know what there is to say. personally, we are too young to be seriously discussing marriage. and we dont know what schools he got into yet. also, i will not know until i graduate in a year what jobs i will get into where! so its like a dead end talk?
oops - didnt see some responses before i posted!
i am a year behind him. he is pretty much set on graduate schools in cali b/c only the UC'S offer the programs he wants, minus Harvard over here but.. that is very very unlikely.
you are all right - i will just have to let it progress naturally. i do have a bad habit of trying to plan ouy my life, trying to minimize unceratinty. but love/relationships is just one area i guess that cant happen!
i am just so afraid of "wasting my time" in a relationship that is doomed to fail since he is going so far for so long and i am done sacrificing for another guy (who is not my husband).
i really appreciate all the stories you guys shared :) its hard to see how things coordinate out after graduation since jobs take you all over the place!
I think you have polenty of time. You tlk about not getting attached but you have been together for 4 years.. I say enjoy the time you have together. You have obviously had a great relationship to be together so long already. If he gets accepted to a school on the west coast be happy for him and discuss what happens to your relationship then. As mentioned previously long distrance takes alot of patience and trust and if you both are willing to give it a shot, what do you have to lose? At least you can say you tried and who knows it may work out! Good luck and for now .. just enjoy the time you have with him and focus on school!
I don't mean to be overly blunt, but are you looking for permission to break up with him? Or are you trying to get yourself ready to break up with him by explaining it to us?
You've mentioned several times wanting to end it now because you don't think it can work with such a distance between you. Not wanting to do long-term long distance is as much a reason as any to break up with someone. Any reasons you have, if they truly matter to you and are not a product of fear (of abandonment, of loneliness), are good reasons, because they are your reasons. It is good to hear that you are thinking about your future and not jumping to take huge steps you're not ready for.
As you said, you are very young. Some relationships are more about a time and a place than the people in them. This might be one of them: You are college sweethearts but it's not going to outlast that because it's not meant to, just like many of us had quite serious relationships in high school and/or college that didn't make it until or much past graduation. It's a very common thing. Still, others found their fiances/husbands/wives in high school or college. How frustrating I know that it's so unpredictable and uncontrollable! If your gut feeling doesn't tell you what to do, then a little wait-and-see is virtually guaranteed to do so. Good luck :)
i suppose waiting and seeing will have to do! i will have to learn to suppress my almost ocd-tendencies to plan out my future :P
my main reason for posting this was to see how others made their uni/high school relationships work, in terms of jobs and coordinating that, and if someone had to sacrifice a lot to make the relationship work. of course, its different for everyone, but the way things work out for people is nothing short of amazing - and i guess involves luck (in terms of geography, logistics) and lots and lots of hard work and dedication.
i dont want to break up with him, but i didnt really see a way that this could work since it is virtually certain he is leaving, and i am not sure if i am willing to go with him. but waiting will tell.. and ill have at lesat a year of long distane anyway (which is fine by me) since i graduate a year after he does!
It's not an easy topic, but it doesn't have to be difficult.
First important question, Do you want to spend the REST of your life with this person?
Second important question, Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you?
So, you are planning a talk. This is a very very good idea. I'd think that if he has his mind set on California and continuing your relationship he'd have talked to you about it, unless of course in mentioning his desire to go west it was met with resistance or lack of support.
Planning your career is very important to you. Doing your master's degree in a completely different location can be very empowering as you are emerging yourself in a different enviroment, different students, and different faculty. These changes can really boost your comfort level eventually and your marketablity. The job market is not great right now, grad school or two years could be very helpful to your career, it gives you a place to grow your skills while we wait the economic changes out.
Long distances can work, but they certainly take work and to two college students, this might prove to be too much work.
My FH and I do a long distance thing from Oregon to Kuwait. He chooses to be here because the job market in the US is crappy. He easily makes 2X the amount he would in the states. I choose to live in the states because I love my job and my dogs. We see each other every 2 months.It is not easy.
But you need to talk. A distance relationship happens in 2 dimensions. Being able to voice yourself as opposed to having him rely on visual cues, is no longer going to work.
i am a proponet of love and fighting for it if you believe it is the right person.
However, this is a decision you must make and other posters have commented on whether you want to stay with him or not. We can't answer that, however we can be here to encourage your quest or support you in any possible heartache.
Best of luck.
Let us know how it goes.
I think all the ladies here have given you very good advice.
I agree that the two of you really need to sit down and discuss the future before any plans are made. If you two are serious about each other and future marraige then a compromise must be made. And I hate to sound harsh, but from your posts you keep saying how you have to give up this or that. How you have to leave your family. I mean has he asked you to do this? With you unwilling to bend aren't you subconsciously asking him to give up his dream of pursuing a Phd for you? Isn't that unfair as well?
And the other thing is long distance IS possible. I know of a couple who the BF goes to school on the West Coast and the GF has a great job on the East Coast. They each take turns going back and forth visiting each other. And it's worked for them for the past couple years. Long distance IS possible, it'll just take a lot of work. The question is if the two of you are willing to put that effort into the relationship. And no relationship is easy. ALL relationships take a lot of work whether you're seperate by oceans, states, streets or in the same house.
I know it's easier said than done. But take it one day at a time. Like you said you will most definitely be on the East Coast for another year. Who knows. Maybe in that year you or him will miss the other so much that one decides to move to the other coast. Or you find a way to make the long distance work.
There are TONS of ladies on here who's FI and hubbies are in the Military. These guys are constantly away and overseas risking their lives. If they can make it work you two can make it work. If you want to.
Best of luck.
Military wife-to-be here! A long distance thing is no pie in the sky, but here's my take.
My FI and I have been long distance for over 3.5 years. Loooong time. 15 of those months he was in another country. I got emails during the week, but only one 30 minutes phone call on Saturdays. It sucked, but I would have rather spent all that time alone, waiting for him to come home and biding my time, than be *single* and try to find his replacement.
You have to love someone that much and want to be with them that badly. It sounds to me like you haven't reached that 100% you KNOW you want to marry him stage. See how the 1st year long distance goes. You may find that distance makes your heart grow fonder. I thought i loved my FI and wanted to marry him so much, but after the first month he was gone, I just knew it more and more and it solidified. You do have the option to move with him for a few years while he finishes his phd, right? I have lots of friends who lived apart, got engaged, stuck it out until their leases were up, then decided who's job was easiest to try to replace in which particular location. AStrophysics is probably more common on the west coast, so you're likely the one to up and move. Maybe it will be a great adventure for the two of you to be in Cali together.
at some point, you will have to make the decision to stay home near your family or temporarily move to be with your significant other. I ended up staying in St Louis while my FI lives in Georgia because I know I couldn't uproot that far away for only a 10-month time span. But I've told him that if it was going to be more like 2 years or if I hadn't landed my sweet job, I would have moved down there with him. You need more time. You cannot make a decision about whether you love someone that much if you don't know it yet! Give your relationship time to either grow or die out over the next year.
i have to say, miltary wifes/brides/etc amaze me! you have to be so strong and its not just the distance, theres always the danger factor there too... i know that personally, i could never do that
to be honest, i am at lesat 2 years away from seriously thinking about marriage or getting engaged (i want to graduate and finish up graduate school), so i feel that having that sort of talk with him , as in, if we are going to be together forever, is not appropriate yet. plus, he is in his young 20s and he would probably freak out a little bit :P
i am not against moving to california though it would be hard being away from my family, but the idea that im moving there solely for HIM, or any other guy, is making me uneasy. maybe ive been taught to be independent and not give up things i want for a man, or something along those lines, but the idea that i am moving there for him while he is free to do whatever he wants (like he is going to california because that is where HIS dream is) is a little unfair. but i know all relationships take sacrifice.. i just dont know if im willing to sacrifice that much when i dont feel is recipricated as well
i will be waiting out this next year while i have to finish up uni and he is gone, that is going to happen no matter what. but i feel almost a constant sadness around knowing that simply because of location and his chosen field of study, that our relationship is more likely to fail because we dont see each other often. plus, plane tickets east to west coast can get costly!! we are both poor college students :(
it is unfair of me to not want to give up things such as my family, and want him to not go to california because then he would be giving up something as well. that is why i feel like this relationship was so stuck... if neither of us are willing to make such a huge sacrifice (and at this time, we arent) then .. things will get much, much harder for us. but i suppose if its meant to happen, it will.
again, i just wanted to hear how some of you guys really DID somehow make things work! it seems that after spending some time apart, one does eventually have to give something up in order to make that relationship work. but i have at lesat a year to decide what i want to do...
also, after that year or so, if we are not engaged, making that sort of move is a huge risk! but again... guess ill just have to wait!
I think you have a pretty controlling personality (similar to me and many people, I bet). It would be great if the future of our lives could be predicted with an algorithm so that we can plan ahead, prepare emotionally, etc. Fortunately, the unpredictability of life may not only be the source of frustration but also of pleasant surprises.
I recommend not sacrificing too much on your part without some mutual compromise at this stage. There is also no formula or secret to predict how a long distance relationship would turn out. I've seen in my own experience, ppl who were super strong in their long distance relationship for >2 yrs and break up after they are finally in the same city. I've also seen people who got engaged while long distance. I've seen a girl relocate for her bf & got engaged soon after. I've also seen one person relocate for another bearing much sacrifice, only to face a break up. I've seen too many situations but there are no data to build a congruent model to predict what could very well happen in your specific case.
That being say, you're too young to be too worried about these things. You should just go with the flow, whatever the flow may be. Wait for what ur bf wants to do after he receives his acceptances, wait for your own job/school prospects. Sometimes a path will slowly emerge as to what's the best for you. Passive preparedness, as opposed to active impulse. My gut feeling is that you're not at the stage to make any big compromises. But what do I know....
Hmmm...there's a lot to ponder here. To begin, I'm actually really wondering exactly what your BF studies. My PhD is in astrophysics, so I'm curious what fields are broadly only at a UC or Harvard. Now, given that, I'd say it matters a great deal what school you go to for your PhD, and it is totally possible that there are only 1 or 2 that fit his interests. And especially in astrophysics, the resources of the university matter as well, and I'm getting the impression that maybe he wants access to the big glass (large diameter telescope) that the UC's or Harvard can offer. Another thing to note is that a PhD in astrophysics is more like 6+ years. Possibly shorter if he's a theorist, but realistically it's a longer program than, say, a PhD in biology. Anyway, these are logistical things that probably don't go to the heart of your issue...
I would say that I think you're getting ahead of yourself. For the record, I moved to the opposite side of the country in the middle of my PhD (visitor at my FI's university, still got my PhD from my own) and we were not engaged. I felt pretty strongly that he could be the one, but I wasn't sure and needed to find out. There were several other factors playing into making this an easier decision for me, but it was still a pretty big sacrifice. He also graduated 6 mos before me, and found a job. I followed him again w/o being engaged. I was, however, the one not ready for engagement. And I agonized over the decision. The job was not my dream job at first, but still a great opportunity and I knew it would give me a great experience and open up lots of options. It has, in fact, turned out much better than I expected career-wise. All of that said, if I knew it was hurting my career prospects irrevocably, I would not have left my university and I would not have moved to california where I am now. And my FI has always assured me that we'd do whatever we needed to make it work (LD or not).
I generally think doing the "I'll give this up if you give that up" thing ends up being a zero sum game, though I totally relate to the feeling. How do you know that if you stay together he won't end up making a big sacrifice for you in ten years? You simply can't. So you need to just evaluate your choices now. If giving up being close to your family for a few years so you can continue this relationship doesn't sound like a choice you can make, then you can't make it. No judgment, no right or wrong answer...it's just what you are comfortable with. OTOH, it's also not a permanent decision. You could always move back home if you hate it or it doesn't work out. I guess, and of course I'm biased b/c I relate to your b/f in this situation, I feel like it's unfair to compare asking him to give up his life's dream to asking you to live somewhere you're not sure of for a few years. That said, there may be other factors that I'm missing...like where you want to go to grad school, experiencing certain things with your family, etc. I have a once in a lifetime opportunity for next year, but it involves living across the country. It doesn't make sense for my FI to quit his job, so he won't. We'll be LD our first year of marriage. That's just the way things go.
I guess what I'm getting at is that there are way too many unknowns for you to pressure yourself into making a concrete decision now. You aren't really expressing uncertainty about the relationship, only about some specific decisions. But you guys aren't even ready to be making some of those decisions yet. So I would say don't. Wait and see where he gets into schools (maybe it will be Harvard, who knows?). Wait and see what opportunities present themselves when you are graduating. Maybe you'll have an incredible opportunity back home, or maybe near where he ends up. I have friends who got married last year after like 8 years of LD (starting when he graduated a year before her from college, and then went to grad school). Every time they tried to plan a way to live near each other, one of them got a great opportunity somewhere else. And they agonized at each decision (live together or take this great chance?), and then agonized over whether they should break up. But each time, in the end, they chose their opportunity and also their relationship. And now, they have jobs in the same place and of course are together. Getting married is a huge leap of faith. And being a scientist and an engineer myself, I know how difficult it can be if you are used to problems having solutions (or at least a methodology to pursue). But in the end it's more about how you feel then what's right...and that can change over time. So don't try to predict the future...you might miss out on something great!
All of that said, I'm going to somewhat contradict myself by pointing out one thing. A career in academia is fraught with uncertainty and very few choices (one reason neither my FI or I are pursuing one). Jobs are limited, and it's usually 10-15 years from when you start grad school that you can get a permanent tenure-track position. If he is committed to pursuing a faculty position at a big university, then he might just have to go where the job is (and for better or worse, where you got your PhD will matter a lot). It takes a lot of sacrifice from everyone to make this happen. If this is something you don't think you can live with, it's worth considering now...b/c it ain't easy!
Oh, and if your bf wants any advice on picking schools or broader info about programs, feel free to PM me. I got really lucky in the end that I got into the right research group, but I had no idea where to apply and what to do when I applied.
I was/am kind of in the exact same situation, except not different coasts. He wants to get his PhD, I want to be working. He wants to stay here, there are no jobs here. I was looking at jobs all over the place, slightly desprate for anthing they would throw my way. I ended up going into an accelorated masters program 2 hours away (in my home town) and will be done by the end of next year. We are playing it by ear now. After this program, I hope to find a job (different field than first) here and be with him.
wow, fizicsgirl, what a cocincidence :) i heard there are only like two astro/astrophysics majors in his year at this university, so it seems like a very uncommon field of study. how cool that u already went through the whole path hes about to go down (in terms of schooling) is the 6+yr phD starting from when you graduate undergrad?or.. something else.haha imso lost in these things, i want an m.eng and all my knowledge is about that :P
im not sure exactly what my bf is studying exactly - i just know its astronomy/astrophysics. hes mentioned some terms that i dont really understand that sort of go in one ear and out the other... so i'm not sure what it is in the UC programs or harvard or whatever that he is wanting to pursue. i guess i could be a little more supportive in that area.. :P but just the idea of talking about it makes me so stressed out! but i will just try to go with the flow, because oncfe he graduates and i have to finish up at least my undergrad away from him, thats one year neccesary LD either way
the thing about "i give up something you give up something" is i agree, unfair and relationships cant really be like that. but then again, i dont want to feel like im giving up everything and hes not (selfish, i know... but its just a feeling!) for this upcoming summer, he had the choice to either go participate in a research program (in cali.. haha) or stay at the uni with me but he decided to go. which is fine, but he barely talked to me or consulted me about that decision before he made it. so bc of that, i feel like im not important enough for him to take into account when making a decision like that. granted, its not a HUGE decision, but it would have been nice to be at least talked to before he decided to go... you know? so im worried when the grad school thing happens, he wont take me into account when deciding.
this is the worrywart in me talking, but i cant help but think, what if i just cant find a job near him? and he is just unwilling to relocate for me? then id have "wasted" so much time getting attached to him and in the end it doesnt work out. but ill never know until i get there... but the suspense is already killing me :P
and fizicsgirl, about the academia thing... again, i dont know much about this since im an engineer, but he said he wanted to do research in astronomy, but said the only way someone could go that (besides landing his dream job at NASA) was to be a professor at a univeristy and teach, and then do resrach on the side, though the teaching part isnt what he wants, it has to come along with what he does want - doing research. idk if that gives any more insight, but .. agh. and i might take u up on that offer about graduate schools for him! though im not sure how to tell him ive been posting our "stories" on weddingbee.. hehe
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You've gotten a lot of great advice here. Academia is a tough road, and not for the faint of heart (speaking from my last 3 months of training here!) My fiance and I did long distance for 2 years so that I could pursue my academic career. I am a believer (and there are definitely different schools of thought on this) that making career sacrifices for each other before being engaged is not a good idea.
Keep pursuing your individual dreams, and eventually the relationship will come into focus as just as important (or not)... but don't feel like you have to move to California, just because he might. Long distance is a great test of the relationship (preferrably in shorter doses than what many of us here have experienced), and greatly enhances communication!
jadedragon, seriously get your BF to get in touch with me. I spend a lot of time helping new grad students figure out what they want and what their options are. I think his perceptions of what career paths are available are pretty typical of an entering grad student, but they are also not accurate...and sadly many people don't learn of alterntive career paths until pretty close to graduation (this is something I'm working on trying to change through our professional society, so it's not a criticism of him at all).
But for you, my advice is not to look at it as time "wasted" or "sacrifices". And again, there are times in my relationship with my FI when I could have almost written your exact post, so I do totally understand how you feel. If you are unsure of your relationship, then don't stay in it. But if you are happy with him and want to see how it unfolds, then do so. Even if you knew today that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him you really wouldn't be able to predict where things are going to end up. When I was graduating college (about your stage), I was really confused about what to do next. My dad, who isn't really much of a sensitive advice-giving guy, called me up and told me something that has really helped me a lot through the years. My parents, BTW, are immigrants. He said, "when I was your age I barely imagined, maybe just thought, that one day I might visit the US on vacation. I had no idea that a few years later I'd meet your mom, we'd get married, and then we'd decide to come to the US for some training. And now, so many years later, I've spent more than half my life in this country and all my kids are Americans." My point, is that you really can't predict the future...and it sounds like you both have very bright and exciting ones...and that you both have quite a few ambitions.
If you are happy with him now, then it's not time "wasted". It's time developing that relationship and learning if it fits you. And if you decide that it doesn't later on, then you've still learned a lot of valuable things about yourself and what you need. And I guess what I'm saying regarding sacrifice isn't about what's fair, it's about what makes sense. If you take a job near him so that you can continue the relationship, that's not a sacrifice, that's choosing your relationship at that time. If you cant' find a job you like or whatever, then the choice will be harder. But who knows, maybe you'll still work out LD. Like I said, I'm getting married and then choosing to spend a year apart from my hubby b/c of a great career opportunity. He supports me, and also, of course, he'd prefer I stay close. But that's how it's working out. My point is that even deciding to get married doesn't mean you won't have to make choices about how to live your life. (And I'll admit that at bad moments I get resentful that he won't just quit his job and move with me...but it really, really doesn't make sense.)
BTW, I don't think your concerns are selfish (it wouldn't even occur to me to characterize them that way). They sound more to me like anxiety about whether he's as serious about this relationship as you are. And whether he's committed to trying to make it work, even in the face of obstacles. I think this is something you need to address with your BF. I get why he took the research position in CA for the summer, and I get why you feel upset that he didn't consult you first. Not everyone would take the position, not everyone would be upset. But that's who you both are. So I think these are things you need to talk about. It doesn't mean he does what you are telling him to do, it doesn't mean you just blindly follow him around the country for the rest of your life. But it means both of you have informationa bout what the other one is thinking and feeling. B/c I personally think learning to respect that about the other person and finding ways to nurture their needs *without* sacrificing your own is really what a relationship is all about.
You might consider the book, "Non-violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It really contextualizes feelings in terms of their being reflections of unmet needs. I think, you're like me in having a tendency to overthink things while rationalizing away your legitimate feelings. This book might help give you some tools for understanding what's really behind your emotions...it's probably not as negative as you think (i.e. you don't sound that selfish to me).
First, hugs Jade. I think we all remember what is was like to be 20 and in the beginning stages of an amazing relationship. Maybe we haven't all been in your exact situation, but you're not immature at all for bringing this up. I too, want to have all my ducks in a row before I make big decisions. I too, analyze and consider option after option for months at a time before making the "right" decision. I too, understand what it's like to be nervous about making large decisions about a relationship early on. I too, understand what it's like to see down the road, years later at all the "what if's and maybe so's" of what life can bring and wonder and worry. All I can say, is this may be a time where you give up control and just hold on for the ride. Be careful to take care of your heart, but try not to have too much control over the process.
I think there are two main possibilties here, though. #1, the relationship is so new that you don't know if you can sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship or #2 you are committed to this person and will do what it takes to make it work even if it means going to where he is for a few years and then perhaps where you want to go after that.
And just in case I haven't been vague or confusing enough, I'll throw two real life situations into the mix. First couple were high school sweethearts but broke up to pursue seperate college paths. They reunited after college and are now happily married with two children. Second situation: girl and boy meet in undergrad. girl goes to west coast for boy so he can go to postgrad school of his choice with the understanding that they would move to midwest for her after postgrad. 2 years later as agreed, they move to midwest. 1/2 year later they break up. 2 months after that girl reunites with childhood friend. 6 months later she marries childhood friend.
what do those two situations tell us? i don't know.
The tricky thing about relationships is that you not only have to find the right person, you have to find them at the right time. I have friends who would argue that if you have found the right person, it will be the right time, but since my husband and I knew each other for about 20 years before we got married, I'm pretty sure that's not necessarily true.
When we started dating, I lived in CO and he lived in WA, and I had been offered a job in the UK. We talked a lot about how (or whether) that would work, and he was pretty confident that we could make it work if we wanted it badly enough. In the end, the company that was going to send me to the UK actually moved me to WA - waiting for the contract in the UK to come through - and it never did. So we ended up in the same town, although as much by accident as anything. I think that when something is meant to be, things do just line up for you in an amazing way.
So - here's what I think about your situation (and I've been in similar situations). I think that graduation from college is scary - starting a career is scary - thinking about leaving your family is scary - and breaking up with your bf is scary too. Somewhere in your list of choices there must be something that is actually exciting as well, and that's what you need to find. Believe me, if you had a fabulous job offer in CA, that would be exciting. People live across the country from where they grew up all the time. I did for years, and my sister still does, and she and my mom and I have talked almost every day wherever we lived. It doesn't mean that you'll lose your relationship with your family, just that you'll have to get out of your comfort zone, make some new friends, and learn your way around a new town.
Long distance with your SO is a bit of a different story. While your mom remains your mom when she's 3000 miles away, that's not necessarily true for your SO. So you're smart to wonder whether your relationship will work under those conditions. But you're clearly also not really for a serious commitment, and it's good that you realize that. Wondering whether you can sustain a relationship with someone you're not willing to move to be with, who also hasn't really asked you to come with him - that sort of says it all, although I know the situation is much more complicated. You both have other priorities - you have your family, and your familiar surroundings; he has his career plans. It sounds like those things are actually more important to you right now than the relationship, and at 21 and 20, there is nothing wrong with that.
Here's what I would advise. Apply for some jobs in CA. Take some interview trips. See if there isn't a job out there you could be excited to have, and a place you could be excited to live - independent of the idea that your BF will be there (think of that as a nice bonus). I would absolutely not move "just for him" - you are really likely to end up resenting him and feeling like you did the wrong thing if things don't go well. Whereas if you move for an exciting job offer, and look at it as a great opportunity for you, you don't have this idea that if the relationship doesn't work out you have done something stupid.
Also remember that at the age of 20, and in the field of engineering, you have huge opportunities ahead of you. You can go anywhere you like - including CA. And you know what? In a few years, you can move back to the east coast if you want. If you go to work on the east coast initially, that doesn't mean that you can't look for a job to CA in a few years. You might think about looking particularly at companies that have bi-coastal offices, which gives you an easy way to travel or transfer back and forth if you like.
Also, I agree that you really need to know where your BF is coming from. He's got some very specific career goals, which are going to be very limiting as far as where he can live. If you end up with him, your career opportunities will probably always be limited by that. At least he's likely to live in a major metro area, where there will be a lot of engineering jobs. If that's going to bother you, then you probably need someone whose goals are more similar to your own. (Honestly, I do think that is the biggest contributor to the long-term success of a relationship - sharing a set of goals. If you're always working for different things, then one of you is always going to feel like they came in second, which is no fun.)
The thing is, and not to make light of your situation, but you actually are in a great place. You're getting ready to graduate with a good degree, you should have good job prospects, and you have your whole life ahead of you. As hard as it is (I also love to have a plan, and know where things are going) you need to know that one way or another, as long as you do what actually feels right to you, things will turn out okay. You may stay on the east coast, and satisfy your goal of staying close to your family, and get a great job and meet another great guy. You may get a great job offer in CA, and move out there, and eventually marry your BF. You may get a great job offer somewhere else entirely, and end up doing something you're not even thinking about right now. Change is always stressful. Just look at all your opportunities, keep an open mind, and see how things turn out. It should be a grand adventure, if you do it right - you'll know what the right decision turns out to be when you find the thing that actually feels like a grand adventure to you. That doesn't mean it won't be scary - new things are always a little scary. Let us know how it turns out!!
fizicsgirl, thanks so much for the generous offer. him and i are planning to have a relationship talk of sorts tonight to get some things sorted out (not just this issue, but others as well) and i will let him know about your willingness to help tonight. i am sure it will be very appreciated! :) thanks again. btw my parents are immigrants too - but that has given me a differnet mindset. my mom was a (untenured) professor at a uni in taiwan, but then decided to give up her job and her entire family in taiwan to move here to the US to be with my dad (who wanted to attend grad school in the US, have a family in the US).. she gave up alot for my dad, and im not sure if i can do that. she is always missing her family in taiwan (even now about 45 years later) and now works a job she isnt fully happy in
about my relationship with him, i am happy in it in most respects but there is just that one big issue that i cant seem to ... resolve, i suppose. and thats the issue that i feel like he doesnt think of me as important enough or include me in "major" decisions he makes. for example, his decision about going to cali for the three months this summer.. true it isnt a HUGE decision relative to those such as getting married, moving, etc, but it would still be nice for him to have a sit down talk to me about it and i can let him know my feelings about it. which is where this issue is stemming from as well too.. if it is his dream to go to a UC grad school then okay, but i need to know he weighed all his options and factors and i feel as though i should be one of those. and if he does decide to go, then i willl have a chance to decide if i want to pursue a LD relationship.. but i am feeling a little unimportant and unconsulted, i guess. and this issue idk how to resolve :(
i hear u in that its not about sacrifice, its about choosing the relationship at the time if i take a job near him. but then its always me.. picking the relationship, where he picks his career/school over the relationship since im hte one following him around..? i guess maybe i need "proof" that im important enough to him that hes willing to sacrifice something or watever, before i make sacrifices for him as well. i though this mindset is immature and selfish, but im working on it but thats how i feel atm (sorry)
i understnad why he took the position in cali this summer - in the end, he didnt get any other job offers (though we didnt know that at the time he accepted that offer, it had a deadline before other offers came out). it was something he wanted to do, and in the end, i have to accept that. but the thing is, he knew that summer plans had been stressing (ha can u tell im a stressball lol) and simply put, meant a lot to me. and then when he got that offer with a 1-week deadline to accept or decline, he refused to talk to me about it until there was only 2 days left to make the decision - which by then, he had already basically decided to go. but what bothered me was that i wasnt included in the process, by the time he let me talk to him about it (he was "too busy" with school) he had already 90% decdied so i felt like he was just humoring me to let me talk about it at that stage. he admits that at that point in time, he had already 90% made up his mind, but that he felt it was fine for him to consult me at this stage becuase it wasnt 100% made up... but i felt like if i were important enough, and heknew how much it meant to me, he would have included me earlier. i felt like he just humored me and let me get hwat i needed to say out when he had already made up his mind. sigh sorry for that rant. that is where this whole issue stems from though.. my doubts on how seriously he will take into account ME as a factor in future plans instead of just running off himself
vegasbaby, right now im at stage #1. im not sure what sacrifices im wilin to make , but then again, i have another year after he graduates until i have to make any sort of decision while i finish up my undergrad to decide moving, grad school locations for me, job locations for me, etc. my main problem with this reationship is i feel like he doesnt take me into account enough. sure, if an opportunity is so amazing that you have to go for it, then by all means go for it... but after you consider all the pros and cons (such as leaving an important gf behind or something). when he made the decision to go to cali this summer, i felt i wasnt taken into account at all, though he claims i was since he still let me talk to him about it when he wasnt yet at 100% ceratinty
i am okay with going around the country, but only if thats what I want to do. not because thats where my bf (whomever that may be) at the time is. i have sacrificed a lot of things (including college location! dumb idea) for guys before.. and totally regretted it. so i am very wary on doing it again.
lastly, i want to thank u guys for not dismissing my case like its crazy. i am aware that i worry and stress and try to overplan things and believe me, its not fun and im trying to work on it. but its a process and at this stage, this issue still bothers me. and for taking me seriously when i know i am quite young and still in college :) i was really worried that i would get a lot of "worry about that when ur 25 or older!" sort of things
i think this sums it up quite nicely "I don't think your concerns are selfish (it wouldn't even occur to me to characterize them that way). They sound more to me like anxiety about whether he's as serious about this relationship as you are. And whether he's committed to trying to make it work, even in the face of obstacles. I think this is something you need to address with your BF." but.. i dont know how to address it. we've had talks abt this before, but it comes down to the fact that im not sure i trust him when he says he takes me into account (based on past events) and then it just end sup into a big fight. no fun. i am planning on talkin to him tonight so.. i hope that goes okay :/ im not too optiomistic tho
and for the record, this academic year is basically over (only a week of classes left, then finals) so i am going to be a junior in college next year, while he is a senior. he is applying for graduate schools over the summer and.. thats where my stress comes in :(
phew that was long. sorry for the venting!!
jadedragon,
I too am an Astrophysics major, but I have taken a different route then what your FI plans on doing. I graduated from Florida and had a fantastic internship at KSC/NASA for 4 years doing research for mars missions (including pheonix and hirise). Frankly, when it came time to graduate with my bachelors, I was tired of the beuracracy and more tired of being in Florida (and tired of being in school).
My university professors tried to tell me that I had to go to graduate school it just wasn't an option being in this field; but frankly I was tired of plasma physics and astrophysics books holding up my coffee table and just wanted to "grown up" and contributing citizen to society (pay taxes...lol). I wouldn't listen, so I did my own thing and got so many job offers around the nation doing such a variety of task. I ultimately chose to work for AFRL in New Mexico (a huge change) but it was the one true place that I could be both a contributing citizen and pursue higher education at my own pace. This ultimately meant that I had to leave my family and friends in FL behind and also my long term boyfriend in college of 4 years behind after the long distance thing didn't work out for us; on the upside I did meet my wonderful engineer husband out west :)
My masters is in Space Science and I will be applying to PhD programs in a year (after this current project I am working launches!). All paid for and still getting a substantial salary I might add (much more then normal grad students). The beautiful thing is, working for me has given me such insight into what is really valuable in the workforce and has actually shaped my graduate thesis and ultimately my dissertation. I have even recieved invitations to teach at local universities in NM....
Anyways, I know that doesn't directly relate to your issue, but it just proves that there is so many ways to get to a goal and while the plan may be visualized one way you may find that in the next year (or even month) that there could be a change in action on many things (ie job offers, poor test scores, etc), but in the end it's all uncontrollable.
On the upside California is a great place for Physicist and Engineers alike (I work alot out there). So while you feel like you are giving up something just for some guy, this opportunity (if in two years you are ready for it) could be the best experience of your life.
And just on the flip side you keep mentioning self sacrifice, but maybe your bf has similar feelings, just doesn't express them. Maybe he is scared to leave you behind and afraid to be 3000 miles away from his friends and family, etc. It is not as easy as he is making it sound.
I say roll with the punches on this one, it will all work out, just maybe not in 100% efficiency. You will both figure out whats best for you as individuals and together. Good Luck!
im lucky that cali and esp silicon valley (from what ive heard) has many opportunities for engineers. i hope to take advantage of some opportunities there when i reach that stage. i am by no means ruling out a geographic location (well, within the US at least.. ) just to be near to my family. i just want to make sure i am going for me and not for anyone else. though that "someone else" could be a nice bonus :)!
btw, he told me earlier today that there was a snarky email he recieved about some funding issues for an organization he is part of and wanted me to read it and give me his input. i dont ususally check his email on a regular basis but did just now to see that email he mentioned (and gave me permission to read). i know this is slightly wrong, but (it is gmail) i saw an email that is starred that referred to a year long study abroad application. im not one to snoop so i didnt click on it or anything but this makes me feel even more unesay about the situation! i hope he didnt go ahead and apply to something as significant as a one year study abroad program without even so much as mentioning it to me first! i will have to address that issue tonight.. aghh
**stress stress**
and i apologize if that came across as deviant or invading his privacy; i dont go into his messages or anything, but he asked me to read that email about funding before his meeting with the e-board of that club at 7 so i did.. and that starred email just happened to catch my eye. i didnt open it !... though it has been tempting.
oh, and one other thing. which stems from the same issue! surprise surprise :P
earlier this year he applied (i think i mentioned this earelier) to a half year program where if accepted, he would be gone from college for a semester/half year, and be at that program instead. thats fine with me, college is about taking opportunities and branching out and all that.. but again, we had been dating for a while and at this time he knew the summer thing was weighing heavily on my mind - so he knows that i want to be taken into account! but he never told me about applying to this program until i found out on my own. his defense was, i didnt get in yet, so there is nothing to talk about. but the program was to work at NASA which is his dream job, so if he had gotten it there would be no question (and i wouldnt hold him back) in him going. but he didnt even mention to me he was applying to this, much less discuss it with me.. and i feel like thats wrong. was i? i think that waiting until he gets in and then obviously hes going, theres no point in talking about it then.. which is when he would mention it to me. argh, this still makes me mad!
what do u think?
Hmmmm, well, the more I read your posts, the more I think that maybe you and your bf are on different wavelengths about how serious this realtionship is. You say you've been dating for a while. How long does "a while" mean? It sounds like you are at a point where decisions you make about the future are made with him in mind... and that he is making these same decisions independently.
Are there other indications of the seriousness of your relationship? Like when you discuss future events (grad school yes, but even just making plans for holidays or next weekend) does he say "we" instead of "me" or include you in those plans without you asking? He might not be at a point where this relationship is that serious, but it seems like you are.
However, that doesn't mean you have to sit him right down for another talk that, in your own words, will lead to a "big fight." It's hard to give people some space when you feel so strongly about them, but it might be what you need to do. If he feels as strongly about you as you do about him, he'll probably seek out your opinion before making decisions without you having to tell him to do it.
thanks :)
we had a talk last night and though things arent 100% resolved... i think theyre on the way of getting there. theres not much to do until he knows what options (as in what schools he got into) to discuss though.. keping my fingers crossed!
Hey Jadedragon,
Im with Mrs Spring here. You and your partner sound like you're on different pages of two very different books. From what you have said its only you who's looking at how to get futher committed to him - moving for him and doing the whole long distance thing, and you're not engaged. What has his input been on all these topics. Has he asked you to think about these things?? I think you need to concentrate on what is going to make you happy whether you are with him or not. In the long run, long-distance relationships are hard. I have only seen my partner for 7 wks in the past year in totla as he is always away working. Im making the transition in moving to be with him, but only after he asked me to make the move, which I said I would be prepared to do AFTER we got married. I think you've placed alot of faith in this relationship, perhaps hoping that it is something more than what he believes it to be. Review how yourfeeling and what your life goals are and how you can go about achieving them. Ask yourself - would he be prepared to support you in them? And if so,how far would he go?
Let us know how the talks went - you didnt mention much in terms of detail.
Hi there! I am thinking the same way as Mrs Spring and Mrs DS -- are you and the BF on the same page as far as your relationship is concerned? I was a little confused by your posts and I didn't see whether you'd posted how long you two had been together. I thought it was an EXbf you mentioned being with for 4 years, or did i misread that? At any rate, it appears that you are taking it as a pretty serious relationship. Does he feel the same way?
I may be chiming in after the fact, but I guess I wanted to share pieces of my situation and the way it has affected my thoughts on relationships.
I'm very similar to you in age Jadedragon - I'm 21. My fiance and I have been together since we were both 16, and are nearing the end of our third year of long distance. Next year feels like it's going to be *easy* at this point though, because we spent this year across an ocean from each other, and saw each other for two weeks total in that time. Right now I am nearing 6 full months of separation from him. AND, I am also a future military wife-to-be. I'm so excited to marry him and share a house and be in the same location for long periods of time, but I know that separations will pop up again, in the form of deployments.
That said - I am not trying to say that at 20/21 everyone should be ready to make the kind of life choices I have! Mainly I wanted to echo some other posters and say that if you two really love each other in a way serious enough to mean forever, you can probably do long distance for longer than you think. It is work, but it also develops your communication, trust, respect, and lots of other good things - because if you don't strengthen them, then the relationship will fall apart.
Also, I'm a firm believer in following your dreams and doing right by yourself professionally up until you do make that life commitment. Studying abroad for a year was a dream I'd had for a long time, so I knew I had to do it, even though it meant even more intense separation from my (then) boyfriend. Very very unselfishly, he understood why I needed to do it, and even though it's been hard for him (and me!), he has stood by me 100% every step of the way.
There was a long time when I had no idea what he thought of the future - and as I thought about it more and more, it was incredibly frustrating. But one day this past September he brought it up out of the blue. He'd actually been thinking about it for a while but just needed time before he was ready to discuss it with me. Once that happened though, it only took us about two days to decide that marriage was the way to go!
Now, I am going to make many compromises - but it's because we've made the forever commitment, he is in the military, and I know that he is important enough to me that I can be flexible (but not sacrifice entirely) the specifics of my professional goals. I've done a lot of soul searching on that, and I'm confident in it. But it wasn't an easy process at all.
I should probably wrap it up, but I just wanted to offer some thoughts. It does sound though like the two of you might be on different wavelengths. I'd just sort of stay aware of trying to get yourselves on the same page, but in the meantime try not to worry about it too much as you do still have a year of college left. (I know that's easier said than done, I am a planner too.) Hopefully my reflections on my own experience have offered some sort of help - good luck!
Jade, I can offer you one perspective on how university-aged people stay together after graduation. I should be in my fourth year of university right now, but I took a year off to do a full-time internship in a city 200km away from the house that I shared with my boyfriend. I'm back at school in the fall; he's starting his 1-year Masters in a week in the same city we were in together before. When I thought about applying for this job, he supported me completely and encouraged me throughout the process, even though it meant that we would be long distance for almost a year and a half.
When we talked about this internship, and when we talk about our future post graduation, it's not "his future" and "my future," it's our future, and we're negotiating what that will look like together. Like you, I'm a total planner and hate not knowing exactly where we'll be in 2 years (let alone 5), where we'll live, what jobs we'll have, etc., but we have agreed that we will always make each other a priority when it comes to making a major decision, and we have also agreed that no matter what happens we'll tough it out together. We'll try to find jobs in the same city (we do have a city in mind), with our back-up plan being that the person who finds the best-paying career accepts that offer and between the two of us we'll work the rest out.
Basically I think the most important part in staying together through post-grad upheaval is making each other a determining factor in these big life decisions like where to work and how to live, and having an attitude of "we're staying together no matter where life takes us."
thanks everyone :)
we did recently have a talk .. but there isnt much to really say since we dont know which schools he will get accepted to yet. i know its a little (or maybe a lot..) for me to worry about where hes going, but i feel like i have a future with him, but if he goes to grad school for 6 years in say, hawaii (which is a possibility, apparently there are amazing telescopes there? clueless!) or somewhere else i am not willing to move i feel like then our relationship will hit a dead end. and im not too optimisitc about trying to keep the relationship LD, though i know that works for many couples (who i really admire!)
just wanted to give an update and thank everyone for their help :) im guessing i will post again once the day comes closer.. though this is still heavy on my mind and im still stressed! but i am trying my best!
If he saw wedding bells in your future, he would find a grad school close by or be talking to you about marriage and you coming with him. If he is not doing these things, he doesn't see your relationship as very serious (no matter what he may tell you) he is having fun while he is in college and not looking at you as a life partner.
My best advice for you is to figure out what you want out of life other than being with this guy and follow your heart. When you graduate you should work a while before going to grad school so that you have a better idea of what you want to specialize in. If your relationship with this guy is supposed to work out, it will but dont worry so much.
You know yourself better than anyone here, and you know your relationship. If you feel this is really the guy for you then figure out how to make it work. Just be honest with yourself. Also only you can know if you can deal with 6 years of a long distance relationship and not getting married/having a familly until you are at least 30.
Side note. Being a professor is a great job but it requires long, odd hours and a lot of research. If you have a doctorate, you will be required to be producing acedemic work outside of just teaching. Many professors that I know of only have Masters so that they teach full time but arent expected to produce research. Also, most all professors I know of do not go to school to be a professor... it usually happens after years of working or after starting a family and needing more flexible hours. Depending on what type of professor he wants to be he should consider shadowing professors and talking to them about how they did it... he will probably be surprised by their life path.
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hi hive,
i'm actually not entirely sure this is appropriate, since i'm still a student at a university (though i will graduate soon!!) and not engaged. but i thought that an audience of (mostly) engaged and married women could offer me their wisdom/insight/advice on this...
me and my bf both attend the same university right now, though he is scheduled to graduate before i am - really soon! but he wants to be a professor and teach, which means he needs to go to at least 4 years of graduate school, and then a postdoc to pursue a PhD. now i am not planning on that at all.. after i graduate, i plan on maybe 1-2 years of graduate school and then getting a job. but this is where my stress starts to come in...
the graduate schools he is looking at are all in california, while my family (and his) are both in new england, and our current university is on the east coast as well. so when he leaves and i am still in school.. *sigh* i dont know how to put this coherantly! basically, if i stay with him and he goes to grad school, that could possibly be about 4-6+ years long distance if i stay near my family on the east coast! and ive always imagined attending grad school/getting a job on the east coast, near my family. that scares me... i dont think that long distance is possible for that long. another option is of course, after i graduate (and maybe add on a year of grad school on the east coast) i move to cali to be with him? but the idea of moving my entire life to the other coast just for a guy doesnt really seem...fair.. to me, and i'm not sure how comfortable i am with that (since i know we'd still only be bf/gf and not engaged at that time)
i guess what im asking is... how does this thing work? have any of u ladies stayed with high school or college/uni bfs? how does it work once you graduate and jobs pull you in opposite directions? who sacrifices more.. is that fair?
i almost want to just end my relationship with him now though i do love him very much... but the fact that he is going to cali for graduate school for the next half decade or more scares me so much and i dont know what to do, think, or even how to deal with it! what if i do decide to move my life over there for him, and then we break up? what if when i graduate soon, in this economy, i cannot find a job in his graduate school area?? all these possibilities keep me up at night and at a constant stress high :(
advice would be much appreciated :)