(Closed) Seeking relationship advice…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

Just a few thoughts…

Is there a reason he is only looking at graduate schools in California?  Is it absolutely not an option for him to go to school on the east coast?

I understand you not wanting to move to California right now when you are only dating right now.  However, you may not always be able to stay near your family and within your comfort zone, regardless of who you date.  So if there are great school or job opportunities beyond the east coast, in California, or elsewhere, don’t be afraid to pursue them!

When my husband and I graduated from college, we also ended up on opposite coasts to pursue our own job opportunities.  After a year, I ended up moving to California – not just for him, but for myself and an awesome job opportunity.  I’m glad that I waited until I had my own reasons before I moved out to California.  I didn’t want to lose my sense of self, identity, and accomplishment by just blindly following my boyfriend out to where he had a job.  He would have never wanted me to give up on my own aspirations either!

I totally hear you that 4-6 years of long distance is an incredibly long time.  What are his thoughts on the relationship?  If you still love him an you feel like you want to make it work, then don’t give up on the relationship just yet.  Time has a way of figuring things out – maybe your relationship will grow stronger and the two of you will find a way to be together.  If not, then don’t be afraid to be on your own.  You’re too young to tie yourself down and give up on everything that you want! 

Post # 4
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Definitely don’t uproot your life and your future plans just for a guy… UNLESS you are 100 percent certain being with him makes you happier than those plans you originally had. Chances are you would end up resenting him for ruining your plans.. and the relationship would eventually fail.. with you thousands of miles away from home!

 

You definitely need to have some long serious discussions with him to see where your lives are headed. If you are both determined to spend your lives together, there should be enough compromise on both sides so that you can both be happy.

Post # 5
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Before you make a lot of decisions about moving across country, you should probably discuss your relationship with your bf.  Have you been together for long?  Are you both on the same page about marriage or engagement plans?  Do you both see this relationship as potential marriage material?  Are there other things you want to experience individually before committing to a 4-6 year long-distance relationship (e.g. careers, travel, living alone, learning to manage finances, etc…)?

Also, is he graduating this year?  It might be a very different siutation if he has already been accepted into the Califormia program than if he still has a year or two to go before graduation.  Although he might have his sights set on that program, he could always change his mind, not get accepted, decide to put off grad school for a couple years, etc…  I just graduated last May, and while I always thought I would go straight to grad school, other things came up and I’m pushing it off a bit. 

I can tell you that, for me, issues like who was giving up more, or who what was fair in compromising in our relationship just didn’t matter.  We started dating about a month after beginning college, and even though we were young, marriage was on both of our minds really soon.  When it came time to graduate, make school or career plans, etc… it wasn’t an issue of "will I give up the life I feel comfortable in and my dreams of school and career in order to be with this guy."  That wasn’t an issue because the thought never even came up in my mind.   There was no alternative to me besides being with my Fi.  Even if careers or school had put us in a long-distance relationship for a few years, it didn’t matter becuase we are strong enough to suffer through a couple crappy years apart since we know we’ll be together for the rest of our lives.

I think the most important part is to figure out what you want to happen.  Do you want to be married to this guy?  If you’re not comfortable with moving for him, asking him to stay on the East Coast for you, or being in a long-distance relationship until you can be together, this might not be a relationship that will eventually turn into marriage for you.  After you figure your side out, if you still want to be with him, maybe sit down and talk with your bf.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to come to a resolution that you both agree on.

Post # 6
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

Multi-year long distance relationships?  It takes work, accepting risk, and lots of trust and faith.  Enjoying flying also helps.

The two of you need to talk about your relationship.  If you love each other very much, then both need to discuss your fears about the distance.  If you’re still not feeling comfortable after this talk, maybe you do need to decide to break it off.

However, if you feel that you can proceed with the long distance, then dive in.  Make plans for traveling back and forth (both of you).  Learn to love Skype and Gchat.  E-mail and text each other with love letters…or you can do that snail mail!  After a while, reassess.  Is it working?  If yes, then what can the both of you do to make it stronger?  If no, what can the both of you do to repair it?  Do you want to repair it?  Is it time to break up?

It’s a risk.  I’m engaged, and it’s been over 1.5 years since we’ve been an ocean away from each other (and will be for another half a year).  We made the decision to try long distance, and constantly reassessed and made our relationship stronger as a result.  We also talked about where we would live after we got married…and he’s moving to be with me.  I have a stable job, and he has skills that (hopefully) will transfer here to the States.

I worry for him and us.  What if he can’t get a job?  What if I can’t make enough money to support us?  It’s a risk, and I have faith that we will figure something out. I agree with emileee; don’t be afraid to be on your own and trust your gut.  You’ll make the right decision.

Good luck! 

Post # 7
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

My fiance and I started dating when we were in college.  After graduation, he moved to Pittsburgh for grad school and I stayed in NC to work.  After 6 months, even though we weren’t engaged, we decided that it was worth a shot for me to move to Pittsburgh and see where things went.  Two years later we’re tying the knot!  My best advice is to just let the relationship progress naturally.  πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

This is really somethign that you need to assess with your b/f.  Why is he looking at just Cali, or is that really the best place for him to be?  How much farther behind are you, a year (or two) or months?  Is this the person you really want to be with for the rest of your life?

People have their success stories with long distance, others have there not so successful stories with long distance (like me).   Maybe you won’t know until you try it, but have a plan.  There is definite reason to have such reservations especially without a long term committment but remember this won’t solve your problem.

Have a heart to heart with him and trust your instincts they are almost always right.

Good Luck!

Post # 9
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree that you should let this unfold naturally. If he goes to California, you’ll still be in school for the first bit, so you’re going to be long distance there. As you graduate, re-evaluate where you are. Maybe you’ll want to try the long-distance thing a little longer, maybe you’ll be ready to move, or maybe he’ll be in a position where he wants to move. Above all you should be in a place where you can decide on the best decision for both of you. Is your relationship in a place where he is making his grad school decisions considering your preferences? 

There’s nothing that says you have to make it all or nothing—go now or never—you could go in 6 months, or a year, or 2 years, or 3 years, or never…the most important thing would be that if you go to California you go when you are ready. And it sounds like you are definitely not ready now. There is nothing wrong with that. Plans change, people change. Who says he will definitely go to California, and that if he does go, that he will stay there? I have more friends who’ve changed grad schools and quit grad school than friends who’ve stayed in for the full ride. And there are lots of girls on here who have weathered many years of long distance and gotten through it with a wonderful relationship intact. Then there are others for whom the distance has proven to be too much. But in those cases where it didn’t work, I don’t think it was the distance that didn’t work but that the relationship didn’t work. The distance was just the means by which the non-working-ness of the relationship manifested.

Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to plan your entire future right now when so much is unknown variables. You can’t make him or you take on more than you are ready for, and it sounds like maybe you are not ready for any cross-country moves just so you can stay together. Focus on keeping the lines of communication open. Work with where you are right now, not on where you hypothesize you might be in four years. I know it’s hard to deal with that uncertainty, but if you give it some time I think the proper path will become more clear.

Post # 12
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you have polenty of time. You tlk about not getting attached but you have been together for 4 years.. I say enjoy the time you have together. You have obviously had a great relationship to be together so long already. If he gets accepted to a school on the west coast be happy for him and discuss what happens to your relationship then. As mentioned previously long distrance takes alot of patience and trust and if you both are willing to give it a shot, what do you have to lose?  At least you can say you tried and who knows it may work out!      Good luck and for now .. just enjoy the time you have with him and focus on school!

Post # 13
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I don’t mean to be overly blunt, but are you looking for permission to break up with him? Or are you trying to get yourself ready to break up with him by explaining it to us?

You’ve mentioned several times wanting to end it now because you don’t think it can work with such a distance between you. Not wanting to do long-term long distance is as much a reason as any to break up with someone. Any reasons you have, if they truly matter to you and are not a product of fear (of abandonment, of loneliness), are good reasons, because they are your reasons. It is good to hear that you are thinking about your future and not jumping to take huge steps you’re not ready for. 

As you said, you are very young. Some relationships are more about a time and a place than the people in them. This might be one of them: You are college sweethearts but it’s not going to outlast that because it’s not meant to, just like many of us had quite serious relationships in high school and/or college that didn’t make it until or much past graduation. It’s a very common thing. Still, others found their fiances/husbands/wives in high school or college. How frustrating I know that it’s so unpredictable and uncontrollable! If your gut feeling doesn’t tell you what to do, then a little wait-and-see is virtually guaranteed to do so. Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s not an easy topic, but it doesn’t have to be difficult.

First important question, Do you want to spend the REST of your life with this person?

Second important question, Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you?

So, you are planning a  talk. This is a very very good idea. I’d think that if he has his mind set on California and continuing your relationship he’d have talked to you about it, unless of course in mentioning his desire to go west it was met with resistance or lack of support.

Planning your career is very important to you. Doing your master’s degree in a completely different location can be very empowering as you are emerging yourself in a different enviroment, different students, and different faculty. These changes can really boost your comfort level eventually and your marketablity. The job market is not great right now, grad school or two years could be very helpful to your career, it gives you a place to grow your skills while we wait the economic changes out. 

Long distances can work, but they certainly take work and to two college students, this might prove to be too much work.

My FH and I do a long distance thing from Oregon to Kuwait. He chooses to be here because the job market in the US is crappy. He easily makes 2X the amount he would in the states. I choose to live in the states because I love my job and my dogs. We see each other every 2 months.It is not easy.

But you need to talk. A distance relationship happens in 2 dimensions. Being able to voice yourself as opposed to having him rely on visual cues, is no longer going to work.

i am a proponet of love and fighting for it if you believe it is the right person.

However, this is a decision you must make and other posters have commented on whether you want to stay with him or not. We can’t answer that, however we can be here to encourage your quest or support you in any possible heartache.

 

Best of luck.

Let us know how it goes.

 

Post # 16
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think all the ladies here have given you very good advice.

I agree that the two of you really need to sit down and discuss the future before any plans are made. If you two are serious about each other and future marraige then a compromise must be made. And I hate to sound harsh, but from your posts you keep saying how you have to give up this or that. How you have to leave your family. I mean has he asked you to do this? With you unwilling to bend aren’t you subconsciously asking him to give up his dream of pursuing a Phd for you? Isn’t that unfair as well?

And the other thing is long distance IS possible. I know of a couple who the BF goes to school on the West Coast and the GF has a great job on the East Coast. They each take turns going back and forth visiting each other. And it’s worked for them for the past couple years. Long distance IS possible, it’ll just take a lot of work. The question is if the two of you are willing to put that effort into the relationship. And no relationship is easy. ALL relationships take a lot of work whether you’re seperate by oceans, states, streets or in the same house.

I know it’s easier said than done. But take it one day at a time. Like you said you will most definitely be on the East Coast for another year. Who knows. Maybe in that year you or him will miss the other so much that one decides to move to the other coast. Or you find a way to make the long distance work.

There are TONS of ladies on here who’s FI and hubbies are in the Military. These guys are constantly away and overseas risking their lives. If they can make it work you two can make it work. If you want to.

Best of luck.

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