Post # 1
So one of my BM’s is definitely what I would call self-absorbed. She’s always been this way and I’ve posted about it before, so bear with me.
The main thing that bothers/affects me is the fact that she is 100% of the time wallowing in her own self pity about not having a boyfriend. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it’s been planning my wedding having to walk on eggshells around her as she frequently bursts into tears if she hears about us registering or something. She’s never been able to set aside her own feelings in order to be happy for me.
How do you all deal with friends who are like this? No matter what I still love her and care about her, but at times I get so frustrated. She will call me (she’s a long distance friend) and complain AT WORK for like 1/2 hour about how some guy never called her back and NO MATTER WHAT I say, she shoots me down and tells me that there’s just no hope and she’s destined to be single forever. She never allows me to put a positive spin on it.
Most recently she’s asked me if she should fly into Philly early the week of my wedding to help me out with last minute things. I immediately said no b/c I just pictured her holding me back from running errands while she cries about how she’ll never get married. It’s just too much to deal with.
Any advice/suggestions? Anything would be appreciated 🙂
Post # 3
All I can suggest is to do like your doing and try to keep her out of the planning as much as possible. She can still be a bridesmaid and stand up to support you and your Fiance but she may not be the best one to go to for wedding planning help.
Post # 4
@caszos – it’s funny you mention that, because I’ve actually never gone to her to ask about anything wedding-related or asked specifically for help with anything. She actually offers believe it or not! But it’s always followed by a pity-party for her, which I obviously have mixed feelings about. I’m not sure if it’s mean of her to do this every time, and I wish she would suck it up a little, you know?
Post # 5
I have one of those. She has had a lot of tough breaks over the past few years, lately and before I knew her (she started as FH’s friend), but I was there for her every single time since FH and I met.
She has no problem calling me crying, or complaining, or bragging, but when I am upset or excited w/ news, she disappears or listens to 1 sentence, then turns it back to her. Our phone conversations consist of her blabbing away and me saying “uh huh” “yup” “uh huh” etc.I helped her get a job and into grad school (recommendation letters). I wouldn’t hold it against her except it’s the icing on the one-sided friendship cake.
It’s hard for FH and I to hang out with her together (she and I generally lapse into girl talk and he gets mad), so I invited her for girls’ night out with my best friends, all but 1 of whom are fellow BMs. She’s met them all before, most several times. She maybe’d me for weeks, then made other plans the day before.
WHATEVER. FH is fed up with her too. I’m going to let my Maid/Matron of Honor deal with her in terms of bridal shower, etc. We’ll see where everything stands after I don’t talk to her for a while.
Post # 6
@moderndaisy– I don’t really have any advice, but I wanted to say that I know how you feel 🙁 I have a friend who is the same way– shortly after we got engaged, she tells me (while we’re out dress shopping) that she’s really excited for me– more excited than she thought she would be. I’m like, thanks. Ouch.
Now we’ve hardly talked since then and when we do it’s about her current bf that I think is awful for her. She never asks about the wedding 🙁
I don’t know what to do, either.
Post # 7
sorry, I know there was no advice in there. But venting felt really good and I am glad I’m not the only one with this issue. Let your Maid/Matron of Honor deal with her!!! Put a pause on the friendship!!! Screen your calls! Only talk to her when you are feeling calm, bored, and charitable.
Post # 8
I agree with caszos. She’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man so she already knows how special she is to you – but I think keeping her out of the process as much as possible is a good idea for both her and you (and your sanity).
… and maybe introduce her to one of your FI’s single friends while you’re at it. LOL 😉
Post # 9
@Ex Libris – no problem, please vent away! I am so glad you are sharing, it helps me too! 🙂 My situation with Bridesmaid or Best Man is so strange, it’s not totally a one-sided friendship, she does actually care and ask me about things, but literally she works in how miserable she is to EVERY conversation/thing we do. She bursts into tears every time I see her which isn’t that often anymore since she is long distance. She tried to do it to our friend (another BM) who literally walked away from her and cut her off. I can’t do that, I just can’t. But it is so frustrating, I want to have ONE conversation with her where she doesn’t burst into tears!
@Dancy – if you had any idea! She complains all the time that no one ever tries to set her up, but it’s a lie, people actually do try but she is the PICKIEST person I have ever met! The guy literally needs to be: Rich, good looking, funny, good family, christian (yes, I know I’m rolling myeyes too), good job, the list is endless. I actually won’t try to set her up anymore b/c now I think my guy friends are too good for her!
@Bunny – I can’t believe your friend said that to you!! How awful and what a backhanded compliment. I probably wouldn’t talk to her either if I were you. This Bridesmaid or Best Man actually said to me at one point (because she constantly talks about the engagement ring she wants one day even though she’s not dating anyone) that she likes my ring (a 2-carat round solitaire) but she would want something BIGGER. She caught herself once she said it and apologized and i of course forgave her b/c I knew she wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but this is how her mind works. You know? Her expectations are so high, no one and no ring will ever be good enough for her.
Post # 11
First, I would try to just let her cool off. It sounds like you are doing that. But if it comes up again, maybe you could gently bring up how she sounds. Maybe she doesn’t realize she’s sounding like such a downer.
Bridesmaid or Best Man:Hey Modern! Do you need any help for the wedding?
Modern: Uh, thanks but don’t stress about it. I’ve got it covered. Just come for the wedding and enjoy yourself.
Bm: Are you sure? You don’t seem to ever need my help?
Modern: Well… It’s just that I know you’re bummed about not having a boyfriend. And I feel like getting involved with some of the planning has upset you. So I thought it would be easier this way.
(Maybe she’ll get the hint. And if the convo about “no one ever sets me up” comes up again, I would also be inclined to let her know that it’s difficult to find someone to meet ALL of her criteria, and maybe she should consider easing up on some of them.)
Post # 12
Oh my goodness! I think you just described my Maid of Honor! It’s awful! I have no real advice except to lean on your other girls for support.
My mom once told me, in regards to relationships, “don’t keep going back to an empty well.” Some friends are “empty wells” for some stuff in your life and others for other stuff. That’s why you go to different friends for different things. This bridesmaid is an empty well for you when it comes to your wedding. Unfortunately, being a bridesmaid, this has a big affect on your wedding experience. All I can say is that if you keep going back to her, you’re going to set yourself up for disappointment. Back off, let her do her thing and show up for what she’s committed to do and turn to your reliable friends who aren;t “empty wells” during this time!
Post # 13
@Lady – my mom told me the same thing, but perhaps less eloquently! It’s been hugely useful in determining which friendships stay and which go.