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I would call and express to her everything you did in the posting. She is getting a little ridiculous IMO. Taking pictures outside at 1 is a part of her duties as a BM. If she doesn't want to do that...then she doesn't want to be a BM...period. As far as getting sunscreen on her dress...that's what they make baby wipes and dry cleaners for.
Honestly, I don't think she sounds selfish at all. I would just try to talk to her, hear what she has to say and then decided what you want to do. She was just looking out for you, and the rest of the girls on not getting sunburned, sweaty, before your wedding. Maybe she is not communicating her thoughts well and it sounds whiny, selfish. But the over all sentiment doesn't sound like it to me she just sounds like a concerned friend.
I'd just email her and tell her you're glad she expressed concern before the wedding because it would definatley stress you out to hear complaints from the bridesmainds on your wedding day instead of having them there for support. Let her know you're firm on time and location but that they should bring umbrellas if they're worried about sun exposure and don't want to use suntan lotion. And also give her an out....just say you've been getting the feeling that this has been stressful for her so you won't be offended at all if she decides not to be in the wedding and just be a guest. You'd rather have her there and happy than there and stressed.
Seriously; the wedding is the end of May not August. 1pm for a few pictures shouldn't be that big of a deal. Nothing your going to fry over. They make plenty of sunscreen that can be put on and not be sticky or get all over. I use lubriderm lotion that has spf 15 in it. I put it on in the mornings when I get out of the shower if i'm going to be outside during the day. It's pretty simple. Moisturizer and SPF and good deoderant. No worries. I say call her and let her vent but tell her that her requests are getting a little rediculous. You don't want her to be miserable with the wedding. Ask her if she's second guessing things or something. Give her that out and see if she bites. If not hope that she can behave on the wedding day! Good Luck!
Even taking pictures has it's down time. During this photo shoot is there, (I don't know) some trees she can stand under?
I would try to ride this out and say something like, "You bring up a good point. It wouldn't be fun to get brunt out there. The photos have to be at 1pm. But there will be plenty of time to find a shady tree. But if you'd like to bring an umbrella to use during the down time, that would be fine."
WOW. I'm so sorry you're going through this...
I'd say you try to call her or meet with her in person instead of email. Clearly state your concerns in a gentle way and ask her for her support (it's just one day!) or tell her it's okay if she backs out. I'd de-BM her if I were you, but that's just me. She's your BM, and when she had accepted to be one, she should've known that her role is to be supporting/accomodating to your plans, not hers, as long as you're not being a crazy bridezilla and making people do all kinda of weird stuff (which I'm sure you're not from reading your post). If other BMs are supporting you but she's the only one causing all the fuss, I think it'd be better for you (and her, since she obviously isn't happy with your ways) to take her out of the picture. You should be enjoying and having fun on the most important day of your life.
She doesn't sound unreasonable. I wouldn't want to wear a hair style that hurt me either. Complaining about possible burning and sunscreen yuckiness maybe wasn't the best way to bring up her point but it's actually great that she's thought of this because this is the kind of thing that goes much better when planned. I can actually easily imagine grumpy bride and bridesmaid hot and tired and getting burned/yuck on their dresses. Doesn't mean you can't have the picutres but maybe ask this bridesmaid to help out by bringing water for everyone and some umbrellas and some non sticky sunscreen for anyone who forgot their own. :) This way you're a super considerate bride and this bridesmaid is both useful and supportive.
One of the other bridesmaids here...
Keep in mind that this hasn't been just the one request about the pictures. She's had a complaint about literally every single wedding-related activity...including choosing the BM dress (which is extremely flattering and I say this as someone who's a different size on top and bottom, so if it looks good on me, it looks good on almost anyone. It's also inexpensive as BM dresses go), the jewelry (which is being given to us as a gift, so not costing us anything), the bachelorette party, the shower, the hair, the pre-wedding mani-pedis to which the bride is treating the whole wedding party... In no way is dainish acting like a bridezilla. I am the opposite of a girly-girl so I completely understand not being into all of this stuff; however, if you don't want to do it then don't agree to be in the wedding!
And sweetji830...holy crap, she tried to make you change the wedding date?! You and dainish should meet for drinks and vent together. You could write a book! Or a new WE TV series...Bridesmaidzillas!
(Edit - sweetji, I saw you edited your post, I'll take out my reference to your BM if you would like.)
UHH does she realize she is JUST a bridesmaid not the bride..She doesn't get to have options! That is just so rude! I personally don't give a crap what time she would rather have pix taken..I say email her and tell her to put her big girl pants on and stop acting CRAZY!
Holy crap what high maintainence. It is your wedding, and unless she's got albinism, she can suck it up. She can wear sunscreen and carry a parasol for pete's sake. Tell her you can't change the timeline, and yes, she can back out if she wants. This makes me wonder what else she'll pull at your wedding.
The only thing I do think about is that at 1 o clock, won't everyone be making a squinty sun face? I tried taking engagement photos at 1 o clock and the sun was always in my eyes.
Thanks to all who responded.
If you'd like a laugh, I posted this to the knot as well, knowing full well it might be a bad idea. I was attacked and insulted by pretty much all the brides who read it because they felt I was the selfish one, not my bridesmaid. They decided I wanted all my bridesmaids to get skin cancer.
I realize it's hard without the full story, and I know I might sound a bit selfish, which is why I wanted advice--I wanted to make sure SHE was the unreasonable one and not me. I have been accommodating all of her requests in an attempt to make this easy for her. So thanks for being nice, friendly, helpful brides. This is why I like weddingbee so much and why I usually avoid the knot!
I'll still take any other advice anyone has. Thanks for commiserating and helping me out!
hahaha the knot..whats wrong with those girls! I dont even go on that website because I hear so many bad things from WB! Us bees have to stick together! We all agree with you..and HELLO obviously you dont want your BMs to get skin cancer! How rude of them to say that!!
I'm as pale as pale gets and am going to suck it up and put on sunscreen for my wedding. It's not a huge deal - just put it on before you put on your dress. then you don't have to worry about smearing it on your dress!
I get the updo thing - I get awful headaches when I wear headbands or barettes, but it's just figuring out an alternative. I'm still having my hair in an updo, but instead of a headband or tiara for a little extra bling, I bought little pearl bobby pin accents have have a curly-q at the end that you twist into your hair instead of jabbing into your scalp.
If it was just the one thing, then yeah, she's just bringing up a possible problem. But, sunscreen is a solution. If you want to include her, maybe see if she can research some fun, inexpensive sun parasols that you can get each of your ladies to use to keep the sun away and as a fun photo prop.
(getting off my soap box now)
The sunburn issue is actually a good point but I think it's the fact that, according to Danish, that she is constantly complaining that is the problem. Maybe it is worth a try to talk to her and see if she actually does still want to be in the wedding or if she is passive-agressively trying to get out of it.
@Little Audrey : I found your comment funny because one of my bridemaids does have albinism and even she will just be using sunscreen and one of the parasols that I bought for each of them. :)
Actually, the parasols are not necessarily a bad idea. Then maybe we won't have to squint. That solves several problems at once.
Suggestions on where to order parasols??? Anyone?
Certainly, I would rather have her as a happy bridesmaid than an unhappy one. But I'd also rather have her as a happy guest than an unhappy bridesmaid.
I think I'll try to diplomatically offer the out. Something like, I want you in my wedding, but if this is too stressful for you, it's ok if you'd rather be a guest. Otherwise, I'll bring you non-greasy sunscreen and a parasol, and please don't worry so much.
And when she gets engaged, there is NO WAY I will agree to be a bridesmaid. Just for sanity's sake! I love her but she's terribly neurotic...
Thanks!
@madcat -- Yeah, I took it out b/c we did talk it out and resolved the issues (and I THINK we're fine now)...also that she might be on Weddingbee and my username is stupidly obvious to people who know me. Haha. It's okay, you don't have to edit your post.
For those who are wondering what I wrote -- one of my BMs had asked if there's a chance I can change my wedding date b/c she had another wedding she really wanted to go to (and this was after she had already accepted to be my BM). I know she didn't purposely tried to tick me off, but I was annoyed. There were also issues with the dress and other stuff, but we talked it over and resolved the issue -- the end.
I would email her first. Tell her everything you've just told us, you don't want to lose your friendship but she's crossing the line. Tell her that everyone else will be using sunscreen and if she forgets hers some one will probably have some she can use. But if she really isn't comfortable being a bridesmaid then you support her stepping down. But would prefer she stepped up, you need some support from ALL of your friends.
there are tons of places to order parosols, and I think some of the bees are selling a few on craigslist lol
Reading your story, my first reaction was "she's not being all that unreasonable." That being said, if it was one of my bridesmaids, I would want to strangle her. Then revive her and strangle her again.
It sounds to me like either she doesn't want to be in the wedding or she's somehow feeling left out. It reminds me of a little kid who runs away to see who will follow.
Of course I don't know your bridesmaid, however...
Maybe this woman just wants to look nice and be comfortable... I understand it's your day but you didn't mention whether the updo makes her look better or worse, whether the make up you originally wanted on her makes her look better or worse, whether she has a very fairy complexion in which case "regular" sunscreen might not be enough and the only one that works is really heavy, thick, uncomfortable (I know because I have a case of dry sensitive pale skin possessed by the devil AHAHAH).
So look at it from this perspective: maybe your choices of make-up, hairdo and stuff don't look good on her. You have all the right to take those choices but she might want not to look bad in pictures (which is a VERY understandable request).
Try to talk to her... many times brides think about them looking good and BMs looking "cute" but understated or dressed down, and a BM with some sense of fashion might not be comfortable dressing like that.
Eeeek she kinda sounds like a brat. Maybe she is jealous and just acting up? I would call her so everything gets said right; sometimes through an e-mail things come accross differently.
Well Duh; Don't we All want our BridesMaids to get Skin Cancer because of our Wedding?..... Wow.
Sorry but I'm not buying that she is being considerate; wants to be compfortable and looking out for everybody. There are ways to wear and updo without getting a migrane and there are ways to wear a loose or tight updo that will look good on everybody. Enless the Bride is Demanding every person wear their makeup and hair exactly the same then I still think this BM is being unreasonable.
Hah! TheKnot responses always kill me. It's so laughable.
It sounds as if she's a bit, um - "reactionary" is that a good word? It sounds as if you bring something up she might explode about it so it's a touchy situation to be in. I wouldn't confront her right now since it's pretty close to the wedding and her dress, etc is already accounted & paid for. You don't need that kind of drama in the next couple weeks. I'd just tell her that you'll be wearing sun block as well and I'm sure it won't get on her dress, etc. be lighthearted about it. Then, when the wedding's all over - maybe rethink your friendship completely.
Well, I would take into consideration what relationship she is to you (ie friend, FSIL, etc) And I agree that you should advise a parasol, that might even be a really cute detail to your wedding. But as far as compaining about every lil detail, especially ones that you are paying for, not her, as your other BM said, is ridiculous! In my first wedding my MOH did this same crap to me. First of all, she asked if she was going to be my MOH before I even asked anyone, so I felt pressured to pick her. Then the night before the wedding she skipped the rehearsal dinner to go shopping after she told me she was broke and told us to be quiet because she was trying to sleep while we were finishing the favors. The day of the wedding she convinced me to skip the salon that I had planned to go to and have her cousin do my hair (but after she got hers done first, so mine was rushed and not finished), got her nails done first, so I had to paint my own, etc, etc. I still regret that to this day, she really ruined my day. So My advice after going through this? Don't put up with it, she very well may ruin your day. She is very selfish and undoubtedly will contiinue this behavior all the way through your wedding day :-(
You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her ASAP. You don't want to have a little gray cloud hanging over your special day.
Why does she think that she can make all these requests anyway? You must be a really nice, patient person if she thinks that she can change things for her convenience at YOUR wedding.
If you were a bridezilla diva, I don't think she would even dare to ask you these things.
All you need to do is speak out once, trust me she'll leave you alone after that. If I were her and you spoke up I'd know that you meant business and think twice about making another request.
Good luck!
she sounds like she has the wrong attitude to be a bridesmaid.
i'm sorry you have to deal with her.
i'd address this now so that you don't have to deal with it on your wedding day.
Your BM may have had good intentions when mentioning sun exposure. Maybe she thought you hadn't thought about it. I know I wouldn't want to be hot/sweaty/sunburned.
Just tell her you don't think the sun will be an issue and that it's really important to you to have the pics outside. If she really is opposed to it, she doesn't have to do it.
As far as skipping out on your shower and bachelorette party for the paper, I would have done the same. School is very important. I agreed to be a BM while in law school and managed to attend all the events, but wouldn't have thought twice about skipping out if they were held during finals.
I think some people agree to be BMs while in school without being aware of the commitment it entails (I know I did). And the level of commitment expected is different for every bride.
About the hairdresser- unless she has unmanageable hair, I think she should just suck this up and use yours, especially if the rest of you are getting your hair done together.
Do you think there could be something else going on that she doesn't want to spend time doing wedding stuff? Is she friends with the rest of your BMs?
this is a little harsh but kick her out! this is your wedding! you should be the one making request not her!
As your friend, has she always had this type of attitude? or is it only in regards to your wedding.?
I personally don't see the big problem about her going to her own stylist to get her hair done. As long as she is on time for any other day of obligations, what does it really matter?
The picture issue, it sounds like atleast she acknowledged that it might sound whiny, but maybe she thought she was catching something she thought you might not have thought of. I think the perosal solution sugggested by others is a great idea.
Hopefully she is just giving suggestions and trying to be helpful to you. Is it possible that she isn't communicating well, but is really trying to help your day go better? I know sometimes I don't say things how I mean them and it sometimes comes off more as a complaint than a suggestion to help.
DIVA!! I say she needs to get over herself as shes NOT the bride or she would be asked to step down as come as a guest. Sounds harsh but Ive already been through this drama with a former BM and watched it with a friend and its not worth it for you as the bride to deal with this and your wedding and if you talk to her and she doesnt get it or change, she just wont.
Talk to her calmly and explain how youre feeling and see what she says. Hopefully she will but if not, I would seriously think about telling her that maybe it would be better if the pressure to be a BM was taken off and maybe you can use her somewhere else in the wedding, like for a reading or something or she could just come as a guest. How close is she to you? Be prepared, it might be a dealbreaker for friendship. It's kinda sad, you really find out who your friends are when you get married...
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It's a little long but please read and tell me what you would do...
So my one bridesmaid has been high maintenance--"I can't have an updo, it makes my head hurt...", "can I have my own stylist do my hair (an a hour and half away) and just show up in time for pictures?" I have been fairly accommodating of these requests even though I wanted to tell her no.
She skipped the bachelorette party and left the bridal shower early because she "had to write a paper for class."
Yesterday I sent all the girls a thank-you email (I'll still send proper cards as well) for the bach. party and shower and sent an updated wedding timeline (it's less than 6 weeks away now). It included a mention of taking pics at 1 outside for a few hours.
She wrote back and said, "if there's any way to reduce sun exposure between 1 and 3pm, that would be greatly appreciated" as she doesn't want to get sunscreen on her dress. She also felt the wedding wouldn't be fun if we all were burned and sweaty. She mentioned that she knew she sounded whiny but decided to risk potentially making me angry anyway.
Thoughts? I am so stressed out over this girl being a pain! My other girls say I should tell her to put on her big girl panties and get over it already....
I am trying to decide whether to call her or email to say that if she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, she can back out and I won't be offended, as it's clearly stressing her out. I also intend to tell her that her selfish requests are crossing the line--it's OUR wedding and why would I move my pictures indoors or change the time because SHE doesn't want to get burned? (I'll be wearing sunscreen, and she should too...I just don't know why every single thing is such a huge fuss with her!)
So, call or email? If I call, she might insist she still wants to be a bridesmaid. If I email, maybe she'll think about it and decide not to be. I don't want to lose our friendship over this but I cannot have her at my wedding annoying the hell out of me and with a puss on her face all day because she had to stand in the sun for some pictures.
Thanks ladies!