Post # 1
It’s a little long but please read and tell me what you would do…
So my one bridesmaid has been high maintenance–“I can’t have an updo, it makes my head hurt…”, “can I have my own stylist do my hair (an a hour and half away) and just show up in time for pictures?” I have been fairly accommodating of these requests even though I wanted to tell her no.
She skipped the bachelorette party and left the bridal shower early because she “had to write a paper for class.”
Yesterday I sent all the girls a thank-you email (I’ll still send proper cards as well) for the bach. party and shower and sent an updated wedding timeline (it’s less than 6 weeks away now). It included a mention of taking pics at 1 outside for a few hours.
She wrote back and said, “if there’s any way to reduce sun exposure between 1 and 3pm, that would be greatly appreciated” as she doesn’t want to get sunscreen on her dress. She also felt the wedding wouldn’t be fun if we all were burned and sweaty. She mentioned that she knew she sounded whiny but decided to risk potentially making me angry anyway.
Thoughts? I am so stressed out over this girl being a pain! My other girls say I should tell her to put on her big girl panties and get over it already….
I am trying to decide whether to call her or email to say that if she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid, she can back out and I won’t be offended, as it’s clearly stressing her out. I also intend to tell her that her selfish requests are crossing the line–it’s OUR wedding and why would I move my pictures indoors or change the time because SHE doesn’t want to get burned? (I’ll be wearing sunscreen, and she should too…I just don’t know why every single thing is such a huge fuss with her!)
So, call or email? If I call, she might insist she still wants to be a bridesmaid. If I email, maybe she’ll think about it and decide not to be. I don’t want to lose our friendship over this but I cannot have her at my wedding annoying the hell out of me and with a puss on her face all day because she had to stand in the sun for some pictures.
Post # 3
I would call and express to her everything you did in the posting. She is getting a little ridiculous IMO. Taking pictures outside at 1 is a part of her duties as a BM. If she doesn’t want to do that…then she doesn’t want to be a BM…period. As far as getting sunscreen on her dress…that’s what they make baby wipes and dry cleaners for.
Post # 4
Honestly, I don’t think she sounds selfish at all. I would just try to talk to her, hear what she has to say and then decided what you want to do. She was just looking out for you, and the rest of the girls on not getting sunburned, sweaty, before your wedding. Maybe she is not communicating her thoughts well and it sounds whiny, selfish. But the over all sentiment doesn’t sound like it to me she just sounds like a concerned friend.
Post # 5
I’d just email her and tell her you’re glad she expressed concern before the wedding because it would definatley stress you out to hear complaints from the bridesmainds on your wedding day instead of having them there for support. Let her know you’re firm on time and location but that they should bring umbrellas if they’re worried about sun exposure and don’t want to use suntan lotion. And also give her an out….just say you’ve been getting the feeling that this has been stressful for her so you won’t be offended at all if she decides not to be in the wedding and just be a guest. You’d rather have her there and happy than there and stressed.
Post # 6
Seriously; the wedding is the end of May not August. 1pm for a few pictures shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Nothing your going to fry over. They make plenty of sunscreen that can be put on and not be sticky or get all over. I use lubriderm lotion that has spf 15 in it. I put it on in the mornings when I get out of the shower if i’m going to be outside during the day. It’s pretty simple. Moisturizer and SPF and good deoderant. No worries. I say call her and let her vent but tell her that her requests are getting a little rediculous. You don’t want her to be miserable with the wedding. Ask her if she’s second guessing things or something. Give her that out and see if she bites. If not hope that she can behave on the wedding day! Good Luck!
Post # 7
Even taking pictures has it’s down time. During this photo shoot is there, (I don’t know) some trees she can stand under?
I would try to ride this out and say something like, “You bring up a good point. It wouldn’t be fun to get brunt out there. The photos have to be at 1pm. But there will be plenty of time to find a shady tree. But if you’d like to bring an umbrella to use during the down time, that would be fine.”
Post # 8
WOW. I’m so sorry you’re going through this…
I’d say you try to call her or meet with her in person instead of email. Clearly state your concerns in a gentle way and ask her for her support (it’s just one day!) or tell her it’s okay if she backs out. I’d de-BM her if I were you, but that’s just me. She’s your BM, and when she had accepted to be one, she should’ve known that her role is to be supporting/accomodating to your plans, not hers, as long as you’re not being a crazy bridezilla and making people do all kinda of weird stuff (which I’m sure you’re not from reading your post). If other BMs are supporting you but she’s the only one causing all the fuss, I think it’d be better for you (and her, since she obviously isn’t happy with your ways) to take her out of the picture. You should be enjoying and having fun on the most important day of your life.
Post # 9
She doesn’t sound unreasonable. I wouldn’t want to wear a hair style that hurt me either. Complaining about possible burning and sunscreen yuckiness maybe wasn’t the best way to bring up her point but it’s actually great that she’s thought of this because this is the kind of thing that goes much better when planned. I can actually easily imagine grumpy bride and bridesmaid hot and tired and getting burned/yuck on their dresses. Doesn’t mean you can’t have the picutres but maybe ask this bridesmaid to help out by bringing water for everyone and some umbrellas and some non sticky sunscreen for anyone who forgot their own. 🙂 This way you’re a super considerate bride and this bridesmaid is both useful and supportive.
Post # 10
One of the other bridesmaids here…
Keep in mind that this hasn’t been just the one request about the pictures. She’s had a complaint about literally every single wedding-related activity…including choosing the BM dress (which is extremely flattering and I say this as someone who’s a different size on top and bottom, so if it looks good on me, it looks good on almost anyone. It’s also inexpensive as BM dresses go), the jewelry (which is being given to us as a gift, so not costing us anything), the bachelorette party, the shower, the hair, the pre-wedding mani-pedis to which the bride is treating the whole wedding party… In no way is dainish acting like a bridezilla. I am the opposite of a girly-girl so I completely understand not being into all of this stuff; however, if you don’t want to do it then don’t agree to be in the wedding!
And sweetji830…holy crap, she tried to make you change the wedding date?! You and dainish should meet for drinks and vent together. You could write a book! Or a new WE TV series…Bridesmaidzillas!
(Edit – sweetji, I saw you edited your post, I’ll take out my reference to your BM if you would like.)
Post # 11
UHH does she realize she is JUST a bridesmaid not the bride..She doesn’t get to have options! That is just so rude! I personally don’t give a crap what time she would rather have pix taken..I say email her and tell her to put her big girl pants on and stop acting CRAZY!
Post # 12
Holy crap what high maintainence. It is your wedding, and unless she’s got albinism, she can suck it up. She can wear sunscreen and carry a parasol for pete’s sake. Tell her you can’t change the timeline, and yes, she can back out if she wants. This makes me wonder what else she’ll pull at your wedding.
The only thing I do think about is that at 1 o clock, won’t everyone be making a squinty sun face? I tried taking engagement photos at 1 o clock and the sun was always in my eyes.
Post # 13
Thanks to all who responded.
If you’d like a laugh, I posted this to the knot as well, knowing full well it might be a bad idea. I was attacked and insulted by pretty much all the brides who read it because they felt I was the selfish one, not my bridesmaid. They decided I wanted all my bridesmaids to get skin cancer.
I realize it’s hard without the full story, and I know I might sound a bit selfish, which is why I wanted advice–I wanted to make sure SHE was the unreasonable one and not me. I have been accommodating all of her requests in an attempt to make this easy for her. So thanks for being nice, friendly, helpful brides. This is why I like weddingbee so much and why I usually avoid the knot!
I’ll still take any other advice anyone has. Thanks for commiserating and helping me out!
Post # 14
hahaha the knot..whats wrong with those girls! I dont even go on that website because I hear so many bad things from WB! Us bees have to stick together! We all agree with you..and HELLO obviously you dont want your BMs to get skin cancer! How rude of them to say that!!
Post # 15
I’m as pale as pale gets and am going to suck it up and put on sunscreen for my wedding. It’s not a huge deal – just put it on before you put on your dress. then you don’t have to worry about smearing it on your dress!
I get the updo thing – I get awful headaches when I wear headbands or barettes, but it’s just figuring out an alternative. I’m still having my hair in an updo, but instead of a headband or tiara for a little extra bling, I bought little pearl bobby pin accents have have a curly-q at the end that you twist into your hair instead of jabbing into your scalp.
If it was just the one thing, then yeah, she’s just bringing up a possible problem. But, sunscreen is a solution. If you want to include her, maybe see if she can research some fun, inexpensive sun parasols that you can get each of your ladies to use to keep the sun away and as a fun photo prop.
(getting off my soap box now)
Post # 16
The sunburn issue is actually a good point but I think it’s the fact that, according to Danish, that she is constantly complaining that is the problem. Maybe it is worth a try to talk to her and see if she actually does still want to be in the wedding or if she is passive-agressively trying to get out of it.
@Little Audrey : I found your comment funny because one of my bridemaids does have albinism and even she will just be using sunscreen and one of the parasols that I bought for each of them. 🙂