Post # 1
Regular bee going anon for this.
I’m having a hard time with how selfish my DH is and I need some advice. I knew what I was marrying so I know I have no right to complain but I’m really struggling.
Everything we do is on his schedule. We get up when he wants to, eat when he wants to, go places when he wants to, we even have sex only when he wants to. If I have to go to a store that he doesn’t like he will sit in the car to avoid being bored.
We have just started TTC and our original plan was to move to a bigger place before we start (our home is not appropriate for a baby) but now we’re not moving at all because he no longer wants to. “Moving is too much work”. Now I don’t even feel like TTC at all because I’m so frustrated.
I just don’t know what to do anymore! I feel like what I want doesn’t matter and I’m sick and tired of feeling like I come second.
We have been married for 6 months.
Post # 3
@Undercoverbee1979: I wouldn’t have been able to marry someone like that.
Have you tried speaking to him? This behavior is a red flag for me. His behavior may get worse.
Post # 4
@Undercoverbee1979: I have a pretty selfish FI and often have to remind that what I want is important too. Have you actaully sat down with him and told him that this is something that really bothers you? That you want to be equals, and you want an equal say in what you do, where you go, and an equal give & take in your relationship? You may have to remind him a fair bit to consider you too, but it’s not something you have to live with forever. you deserve the things you want when you want them too. He’s not the king of both of your worlds, and its not fair for him to behave like he is!
Post # 5
@Daizy914: we have talked about it and he said he doesn’t realize he’s doing it and will change, but he has yet to actually change. I tried to get him to read something I saw that explains how I feel but he hates reading so he refused.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Undercoverbee1979: Does he know how you feel? I would try to talk to him about it and instead of complaining make sure you ask for what you want to do differently. If you can’t even have a conversation withhim about it then you need to strongly consider couples therapy. The earlier you deal with this in your marriage, the more likely things can be solved. The longer you wait to deal with them, the harder it’s going to be for things to change. However, are these things that have always been this way or did this behavior start after the wedding? If it’s always been this way, then it may never change.
Post # 7
@Undercoverbee1979: You’re TTC? Is he just going to change diapers when he wants to? Feed when it wants to? Get the crying baby when he wants to?
I assume you have talked to him already, but I think you would benefit from a second talk. It probably wouldn’t be bad to include some counseling for how YOU feel.
Yeah, you did know what you were marrying into, but now you have to try to fix it, and if he is unwilling then you really will have to live with it or make a latter decision.
Post # 8
As a human development family science major- I say therapy. That must be so exasperating. if he knew you were unhappy, would he agree to talk to a third party? They could give an objective opinion on the things y’all need to compromise on. Please do this before bringing a little one into the picture. sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s one thing to be particular. It’s another to be completely inflexible.
do you ever share your wishes/opinions? What happens if/when you do?
Post # 9
Is there possibly a move in your future? Any reason not to buy a house?
Because just deciding that you don’t feel like moving on a whim is definitely not okay!
Post # 10
@Undercoverbee1979: some people can put up with it…mainly because you guys must have agreed on a lot of things and letting him be the “decider” isn’t really letting him be the one that calls all the shots.
If you guys have all the same opinions and share the same views with a lot of things then its not really he’s being selfish at all by being the decider in the relationship, he just chooses WHEN.
I ask my fiance this all the time because people have said that I’m bossy with him but he tells me that its because he often agrees with everything I say so there doesn’t need to be a discussion, I can just decide and act on it.
Post # 11
@Undercoverbee1979: It sucks that you’re going through that but like you said, you knew what you were getting into so I doubt he’s going to suddenly change. Have you communicated all this to him about how it makes you feel? If you have and he isn’t trying to be better then I’d say that’s an entirely different problem and one I have no idea how to address. Good luck and bee hugs.
Post # 12
@Undercoverbee1979: Was he like this before you got married? Because this is nonsense. Like PPs have said- that isn’t going to fly when you have a kid. He can’t be selfish- there is another person who needs him to do tons of things he isn’t going to want to do. And he’s too lazy to move to a house that would be safe for his child? Then he has no business having a child. Totally ridiculous.
Post # 13
@Undercoverbee1979: maybe you should point out when he is doing it, maybe that will help.
I would post pone TTC until things get better. You can’t be this selfish when you have a baby
Post # 14
Gosh hon, I have no words…
This has to be beyond difficult (( HUGS ))
If you KNEW BEFORE YOU MARRIED him that he was Selfish / Self-centered I cannot fathom WHY you stayed with him, and went thru with the Wedding / Marriage
In truth… this will only get worse, as men tend to become even more entrenched in their ways over time
Seriously, you want to have a baby with this man, and then have ALL that load fall on your shoulders cause he happens to find it “boring” to have to put a little one first ?
If I was in your shoes, I’d be putting that ON HOLD
Sitting the guy down and having a VERY STRONG heart-to-heart… and clearly letting him know this isn’t the life you want
Then I’d be looking at some counselling for the 2 of you
And sadly, if that doesn’t reveal any real changes… well then at least you know where you stand in regards to your value in his life
(In that will tell you how self-centred he really & truly is once and for all)
Post # 15
You need to tell him how this makes you feel. You also need to learn to assert yourself more. Unless I overslept for something important, I’ll be damned if DH is going to decide when I need to get out of bed. Sleep in/get up early if you want, eat when you want, go places when you want to. There is no reason to be attached at the hip to him and following his schedule, it is ok to have your own independence too.
I would not be TTC right now if he’s too lazy to move. Yes, it is a pain (we JUST moved), but sometimes in life you have to do things you don’t necessarily feel like doing.
I’ve told this to my DH before, and maybe you should tell yours…
Nobody wants or enjoys cleaning the toilet, but alas, it still has to be done!
(change the analogy as you see fit!) lol
Post # 16
Definitely recommend therapy if you’ve tried talking to him and he says he wants to change (but hasn’t). Does he realize how much he is jeapordizing his relationship with you??