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I have reached a dilemma in my wedding planning. I have always wanted a wedding in June and preferably on a Saturday (my fiance wants it on a Saturday too). My sis (the Maid of Honor) has class that day. She is in grad school in a program that only has class on the weekends. She claims she cannot miss class and cannot get out of it or work out a way to make it up. She says that if she were to have a practical or a lab that day (which she says she wont know until April when she gets her schedule) that she cant make it up. She has not even humored the idea of figuring out a way to get around it. She just says, "I CANNOT MISS CLASS".
What I'm looking for from you guys is tell me, am I being too stubborn by not wanting to change it to a Friday in June or to the only weekend she has off (July 4th weekend) and having it on that Saturday July 2nd (which is my parents anniversary!) Or, is she being too stubborn by not accepting my wish to have a Saturday June wedding (which she can also attend after class cuz her class is only until 5:30 at the latest) and trying to figure out a way to get out of class for the whole day or to get out of class early...
Do I change it to Friday even though i really want Saturday or does she figure out a way to get there because she is my maid of honor and it is my wedding day?....please respond asap I am going crazy!
There is no reason for you to change your plans. It's your WEDDING!!! I mean, I understand about school and all.....but come on!! If she refuses to try to get out of class early, or all together it's her issue. I simply don't buy into the idea that there are no circumstances in which she can miss class. However, if she does not want to miss class, then she does not need to be part of the bridal party and can attend the festivities afterwards. The world does not revolve around her. Don't change your plans and let her do what she wants.
Anyway you play it there will be someone who isn't happy....
Just re-read your post in which you state that she is maid of honor. She may need to forfeit that honor.
Tough situation. I don't think anyone is right or overly selfish in this situation, it is just an unfortunate conflict of interests. Since it is your wedding however, you have the final say. I think if you stay firm on your date she will find a way. She may just find battling you to change your date a lot easier than talking to an supervisor or other person about missing that one day. Once she is left without the choice of you changing your date, I am sure she will find a way to make it. Plus a Saturday wedding is far more convenient for most of your other guests, I'm sure.
I totally understand both sides of this. Your sister isn't exaggerating when she says she CAN'T MISS CLASS. The thing about college classes is that you pay thousands of dollars to enroll in them, so if you don't pass, you just wasted all that money. And the thing about once-a-week classes is that losing one class could be enough to make you fail. So I understand your sister's predicament.
On the flip side, having your wedding on your parents' anniversary has a big significance to you and will be something you always cherish. Not to mention, it's usually easier for guests to attend Saturday weddings because most people work Mon-Fri.
I think there's a way you can still have your wedding on the day you want and have your sister attend as your Maid of Honor. As long as you don't have any restrictions from your venue about what time your ceremony takes place, you could easily start the ceremony in the evening and have plenty of time to dance and such. The tough part would be for your sister to have time to get her hair and makeup done. Perhaps you and your girls can take care of all that before your sister's class starts - then she can go to class with her hair all done up and get a ton of questions from her classmates LOL!
@CarcWelberg:Missing class in grad school is not a joke, and it is a serious commitment. Try the weekend of the 4th....it's special to your family and she can attend. Trust me, after she leaves class she wants to relax. Try to be understanding of her priorities and I am sure she will be respectful of yours.
Yeah, I'm in classes now and my school is very, very strict. If I were to miss a lab or practical in a once a week class I could be pretty lost and it seriously can affect the grade. I wouldn't really be willing to compromise my future for either of my sister's weddings. I love them both very much and we're best friends, but I wouldn't be able to take that risk and I know they wouldn't want me to. That being said, they also wouldn't change their date for me. I wouldn't expect them to, anyway.
I would probably step down as MOH and then just play it by ear. Maybe I'll be able to get out of it and can attend all of the wedding festivities for the day and that would be awesome. Maybe I can't get out of it and will have to attend the reception afterwards. Either way, its really the only fair solution. Good luck!
First of all, it's unfair to ask your sister to miss class. I realize that it's annoying, but you knew going into this that she goes to class on weekends, and her education should come first and be important to you.
Second, are you planning this wedding for THIS June? Not to be a Debbie Downer, but we started planning our June 24th wedding LAST June, and we were forced to go with a Friday b/c almost all the Saturdays were already booked. So, given that you're planning this only 7 months out, you might be hard pressed to find a venue on a Saturday. June is THE month to get married.
Also, Fridays and Sundays are often cheaper at venues, so if you can get a venue for a Friday, you'll save yourself some money.
aw man what a tough situation! i think you should stick to a saturday wedding since it's what you want, and maybe do it on 4th of july weekend since it will have the significance of your parent's anniversary. i can tell you don't want to duplicate their wedding date, but that's kind of special! and if you're worried about people begrudging you for taking over the holiday weekend, don't worry about it. we went to a wedding on that weekend last year and it was fine, people didn't mind it at all.
As tough as it is, I would have to agree with PP it is a pretty big deal for her to miss her grad school class. A similar thing happened with a friend of mine in school and it took A LOT of convincing to our prof that she could not attend a Saturday teaching lab b/c of a friend's wedding. It's really a tough situation to be in, especially since she doesn't know the specific schedule at this point. If it's difficult to change the date It probably would be best if she stepped down as MOH and played it by ear when she knows her schedule and can talk to the prof for possible alternatives.
I just realized that I misread your post - I had thought your currently planned date was the date of your parents' anniversary.
Is there a reason you wouldn't want to get married on your parents' anniversary? (I think it would be really romantic actually. Our wedding was on my parents' anniversary so I had the DJ give them a special dance.)
I would suggest that you try to have the wedding on 4th of July weekend. Like PPs have said, missing a once-a-week class is no joke (when I was in college I had a bi-weekly class that we automatically failed if we missed). Why is it that you so badly want a June wedding?
I say have your wedding on the day you want. Is having your wedding later in the day an option? I just finished grad school myself and know what she's going through, but I would never ask someone to move Their Wedding Day b/c of my class schedule. Having a later in the day wedding may be a good compromise for both of you. If you heart is set on having on a Saturday then I wouldn't change it to a Friday. I can understand not wanting to share an anniversary with your parents. I really wanted our wedding to be the Sat of Labor Day weeked but that's FI's dads birthday and we didn't want to share that day forever with his birthday. I wish you luck with the situation!
As someone who teaches at the college level, I would suggest your sister approaches her prof, explain the situation and ask if she can complete the required work ahead of time. Given the circumstances, most profs will cooperate.
If you really want it on a Saturday, stick to it, its your wedding. I *really* wanted to stick to a Saturday also, but ended up with a Sunday. No matter what day it is, my wedding will be my wedding and it will go how I plan (as well as any planned wedding goes.. haha), so I just gave up on the day. It could be Wednesday for all I care now. But if you really want your sister to be MOH, then why not July 2nd? And if she really couldn't get out of class until 5:30, would you start your wedding late enough for her to attend, even as just a guest?
Stick to your wedding plans. You can't accomodate everyone's wishes. You should get her prof's number and call saying, "Sister is so devoted to your class, so she wouldn't even dream to ask you, but its my wedding and is there any possible way she can retake this class or lab on that day?"
Ask your sister to talk to her professor. They'll probably let her tape the class or make it up in some other way - esp with such an advance warning.
@CarcWelberg: Could you move your wedding to a Sunday?
When I first considered a Sunday wedding it really went against the grain for some reason but we finally decided to do it and it was great! In fact, it was nice having Saturday to do last minute errands and things. Give it some thought!
I think if your sister explains the situation to a professor, especially that it's her SISTER who's getting married, she'll be able to make other arrangements. I do have sympathy for her. I'm finishing up a similar type of program, and it has been difficult to make other arrangements when things have come up. I mostly had evening classes, but had some Saturday classes as well, and ended up having to miss my SIL's graduation because there was no way around it. For my honeymoon though, they were completely understanding, and I was able to miss class. If it's something major like a sibling's wedding, most professors will be understanding.
I've gone through college and law school and have a hard time believing someone would flunk a class due to missing one session with 7 month's advance notice. What if she fell deathly ill? What if, god forbid, she had a death in the family? What if she were in some kind of accident? There are always extenuating circumstances that professors are both allowed and willing to bend the rules slightly for. I think it's a bit much for her to ask you to change the date of your wedding to accommodate her class schedule.
Plan your wedding for the date you want. If she has to, have her step down as MOH. I'm sure she'll somehow find a way to attend your wedding.
As tinylittlebird pointed out, a 2011 June Saturday might not even be a possibility. I'd make sure the date you want is feasible before proceeding with anything. If you can't even find a venue that is still available, then the entire situation is moot.
If it's not a problem to find vendors for the date you want, then I'd ask your sister to at least inquire of her professors whether there's any sort of flexibility in the schedule. When I was in veterinary school, there was an event I wanted to attend during finals week. I assumed that there was no way in the world to get it to work out, but every single professor I asked was 100% flexible.
If her professors aren't willing to work with her, then I would see if you can work around her class schedule. If she gets out of class at 5:30, is there any way for her to get to the venue and be ready for the ceremony? Is there a way for her to leave class early? Does she have a break during the day, where she could get hair/makeup done early, finish class, and then get to the ceremony?
If the logistics are 100% impossible to work out, then you need to consider having a different MOH, and having your sister attend as a guest. Or moving the wedding date. Basically, this might come down to you having to decide which is more important - having the date you want or having your sister as your MOH.
Yes, I am a professor and have also attended grad school, and in general, if you approach the professor on the first day of class and explain the situation, they will work with you. I know very few professors who don't want their students - especially those who are hard working - to succeed! I also know very few classes/programs that don't have absence policies. Even when it's once a week in the summer, you're allowed to miss one class - particularly if you're willing to make up for the absence in advance.
I think she is being completely stubborn and ridiculous, although of course I'm not in her particular program. But I have taught at both community/tech colleges, state universities, and private universities - and during short summer sessions, too! - and I doubt the situation is as serious as she's making it sound.
If your wedding is on a Saturday night, she should be able to make it, unless her classes are at night. Problem solved. I think stripping her of her title is mean - it should be about what kind of role she has in your greater life, not about specifically what she is doing for you in the couple hours leading up to ceremony. She'll still be able to help with wedding stuff leading up to your wedding. Let her get ready on her own and meet you for the wedding.
Also, like others have said, you've really pushed the timeline on getting a Saturday night for next June anyways - you are probably not going to get the date you want at this point. So this is probably you getting upset for no reason!
I'm in grad school and I disagree with whoever said the professors will with for you. This semester a professor took ten percent off my final grade because of attendance (she had a nazi attendance policy- you were allowed 1 absence before she removed percentage points) I missed a day of class because I had strep throat and then I missed another day because my grandfather passed and I had to fly back to my parents house.
That being said, some will work with you some won't. She should atleast ask- if it's not possible move the wedding if you want her to attend.
i cannot believe the consensus in this thread! i have finished both med school and a master's program (that's 2 grad progams) and I find it incredibly hard to believe that she couldn't miss class for ONE DAY with tons of advance notice. i mean this is your wedding and it's not like you're springing it on her at the last minute. missing a day of class is like missing maybe a week in a regular program. . . and people DO take weeks off. has she even tried to ask whether she could make it up? I think she is being unreasonable in my opinion--of course I'm not in her program, but I would think for most things in life, grad school included, 6 months of notice is more than enough time to rearrange your schedule.
@noodlesploosh: i totally agree.
@tinylittlebird: her sister's education should 'come first' before her own wedding?? whaat??
I can see both sides and really...it all boils down to how badly you want your sister to be at your wedding. While it's true that some professors will work with you, it is also true that some won't. Since your sister won't even get her schedule until next April, even if her professor WILL work with her, that only gives you a couple of months notice. If you really want your sister to stand up for you on your wedding day, choose a date that accomodates her schedule. If her attendance is optional, choose whatever date you and your FI wants.
@CarcWelberg: Is the class all day? Keep your date and perhaps have a late evening ceremony/reception. I can't imagine she is in class for 12 hours on a Saturday. Problem fixed. Plus, I'm sure if she talks to her prof. they will work with her. And if not then oh well. This is your life.. If you want a June Saturday wedding then have it. If your sister misses it then oh well. You gave her plenty of notice. I mean, what happens to these grad students in family emergencies? The prof works with them.
As someone who works at a very large university and also teaches I see this two ways:
1) In a normal course I would definitely be understandable about a student missing a day for a wedding. Especially as the student has more than enough documentation on the event (as many professors ask for documentation).
2) Unfortunately, I also run a weekend program where it is extremely hard for students to miss even one class and professors have no reason to be accomdating as this is what the student signed up for.
In reality though, your sister should be up front with everyone right now. She should go to her advisor, the person who creates the schedule and the professor(s) and explain the situation. She should be able to get feedback now on how reasonable her faculty will be and if she can make up her work without losing credit. College is a time committment and expensive - you do not want to set her behind a term or thousands of dollars for your wedding.
After she meets with her faculty you'll have to make a decision. If your sister is your MOH and that important to you, you should be flexible. There should be a handful of people that you want to make sure are there (your sister, parents, best friend) and sometimes a bride has to stop being selfish. As others have said, the 4th of July weekend (or Memorial Day Sunday which is the day we got married) are great alternatives where your sister is more likely to have off class.
Absolutely! You really think her sisters wedding (glorified party, lets be honest) should come before her education?
@luckyprincess: i guess as someone who has spent entirely too much of my 20s in school or working crazy hours (i'm a resident), the things in life like family and friends have come to mean much more to me. because at the end of the day a diploma is just a diploma and a job is just a job. but a wedding is about a lifetime committment--for the sister, it's about adding a brother-in-law. . .it's about the person you are going to have kids with--it is the day that you are starting a legacy.
in my opinion--much, much more important than a class.
@hellorebecca: I agree with you. I missed so much because I didn't want to miss classes. Now look at me. I'm not even working in the feild of my degree and I'm making more money than most people with a degree in a job that really didn't require said degree. Ugh.
I'm sorry for the dilemma you're having to face right now. I think it's a bit unreasonable that your sister won't even consider talking to her professor about the situation - most professors are in touch with their human side and recognize that sometimes extenuating circumstances need to be worked around.
On the other hand though, is there a specific reason why your wedding has to be in June? I know you said you always wanted to get married in June but is there something other than that? Are you and your FI students who need to get married on school holidays? Are you starting new jobs or moving houses after June? Are many of your guests unable to attend the wedding if it is not in June? Is there another reason why you have to get married in June, as say opposed to July or August?
If there is something else there, then by all means, I say keep your original date - it is YOUR wedding. However, if it is solely your desire to get married in June because it's what you've always wanted to do, I think a date change requires some serious consideration. If you keep the date just because you want to, knowing full well your sister may not be able to attend, or if she can, she may not be able to be a part of the wedding, that seems a bit selfish to me. Your sister has no control over her school schedule and this could well be something that affects the rest of her life. Will your marriage be massively affected if your wedding takes place in July/August as opposed to June?
Like I mentioned earlier, I don't know all the particulars of why you want a June wedding, I'm just trying to point out some other things to think about...
Your sister is already enrolled in her program and has her class schedule, correct?
And, from your post, you don't have a date set in stone and don't have any venues booked, right?
Sounds like your sister cornered the date before you did. Sorry.
I don't see a wedding as some sacred event, I guess. Maybe it's the divorce rate, but it may not be the only wedding she ever has, it may not be the start of a legacy if they don't have kids and it will only be a lifetime commitment for about 50% of people that marry. That's not very unicorn and kitty cats I know, lol, but when you are talking about education verses a wedding reception you can't really be emotional when weighing the two.
I mean, honestly, you get married and then have a party :P The wedding won't pay her sister's bills, get her into a great job, set up her career or give her the knowledge she'll need later in life. If a job is just a job then she should just not be in school at all. Maybe if it were her wedding, that would be different, but it's not - it's her sisters. Her sister's wedding does nothing for her future at all, you know? If it were her own wedding then she might deem that more important than her education (although I still think that's a bad idea) but I'm able to balance school, family, love and friends in my life without sacrificing any, I think. And I don't care much about monetary things, either, so it's not that. I guess its just a difference in priorities for everyone :)
@luckyprincess: i understand where you are coming from. . .but obviously i have my own personal bias on the topic. i hope they can work something out that accomodates them both!
I think your sister needs to try and talk to her professor ASAP, because he or she may be reasonable and work with her on making that course work up. But I have had teachers in college (not even grad school) that have said a wedding is a not a reasonable excuse for missing a lab or a test or etc. If she really and truly can not miss this day of class, then you need to decide if it is more important to have your wedding in June or to have your sister as your MOH. Plus, as other posters have said, getting the venue you want on that weekend in June is going to be tough at this point in time. My friend had to book her venue exactly a year in advance, and that's an April wedding, June is a much more popular month.
I don't think your sister is being jealous or selfish. She has much less control of her class schedule than you do of your wedding date. Yes, both are important. But yours is more a choice than hers.
My Mom is a professor in a Masters program that meets only one weekend a month and she is pretty clear that missing that one weekend will bump your grade at the very least down to a B. Not because of attendance, because of missed work and labs. Usually, those that miss one class end up with C's or worse simply due to not comprehending what they missed in lecture. She DOES work with them to get them the work, but they missed the lecture. That's the important part when you have a weekend class.
What's more important to you? A wedding date in a random preferred month or having your sister there and happy? I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's a choice for you and for her, this is her masters program. It lasts a LOT longer than one day, and she has put a lot of time and effort into it so far that it's, to me, rude to CHOOSE your wedding day to conflict. There is no actual reason other than "you like June."
Like PPs have suggested, she will have July 4th weekend off most likely. It will really set the tone for the rest of your relationship with your sister what you choose now. Honestly what's more important, your wedding date or your relationship with your sister? Personally, my family means a lot more to both FI and myself than our anniversary date. We very carefully chose our wedding date to avoid any conflicts and couldn't be happier.
Good luck and please be aware of who and what your decisions affect.
I've had professors who had a zero tolerance policy on attendance. One professor said the only excuse for missing class was that you were dead. And in that case it wouldn't matter that you failed. He had been teaching the same class for 15 years, and he never made exceptions to that rule. It was common knowledge, and he put it out in August that if you missed ONE class you failed. Period. Some professors really are that strict.
I realize there is an importance to what date you want, but if it's important to you that your sister attend, then I think you'll need to work around her school schedule. It doesn't sound like she is trying to dictate your wedding date, she's just being honest about her situation. If I were her, I would be hurt if you went ahead with Saturday anyway and basically forced her hand in not attending. Grad school is expensive and GPAs are important. Even if she doesn't fail for missing one class, it's not fair to ask her to drop her grade.
My vote is move your wedding to a Sunday on the weekend of your choice.
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