Sending money to his family?? Please help!

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

There is absolutely no way in HELL I would send money on a regular basis to support people who can work, but refuse to. I would make that very clear to your DH now, rather than waiting for when it happens. 

Maybe when their gravy train runs dry, they’ll wish they’d invested in that smaller apartment. Tough. Good to know the entitlement epidemic is not just a US thing, though. Geez. 

Post # 3
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Brussels, Belgium

Coming from an Asian background I think there’s a cultural difference between you and you husband’s family. I, and plenty of my friends, we always raised to do what you can to help the elders in the family. I’m not saying you two should send money (although it sounds like at this point you aren’t being asked to you just think maybe one day you will be), but there may be other things you aren’t aware of.

Post # 4
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

ChristineJp:  nope nope nope.

I would never ever contribute to financing perfectly capable adults. No freaking way. You’re a woman, and you work, why can’t these women work? Nope. Screw that.

And seriously, there is no choice to be made. The family and life he’s creating with you has got to come first. Think of the sacrifices you’ll have to make, as you watch YOUR money, YOUR financial security get pissed away by a bunch of people who can’t manage their lives (I really mean the sisters, if they weren’t in the picture, my answer would be mildly different).

As for your husband, its his family. If he wants to give up whatever he has left AFTER bills, mortgage, and future kids needs, then more power to him. But I’d seriously consider completely separating finances if you haven’t already. Let him know that you are truly not OK with this, and you will not support them with your hard earned money.

Post # 5
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, I think you should realize that you’re likely to get a very slanted point of view on this forum. Most bees are from the US, Canada, UK, or Australia because it’s in English, though we have a fair number of bees from other countries. Where you’re from and where you family is from makes a huge difference when it comes to things like this.

For me, personally, this would never fly. But my husband and I are both from the US and both our families believe in gender equality (though admittedly to varying degrees). My family also always expected me to stand on my own feet, financially, once I was through university. So I would have a hard time supporting two women who don’t work and have live in help. 

All that being said, I’m not Japanese or Domincan. I did a study abroad in Japan and their culture is just so very different. There are very different gender expectations. There is also a tremendous sense of personal and family pride and honor. So I can understand that your father-in-law and husband feel the need to provide for their family members. And I don’t know enough about Dominican culture – do more women stay home rather than work? If so, then they may be working within the standard for their culture as well.

Ultimately you need to talk to your husband about this and be open to a real discussion. Don’t be accusatory and try to see things from his point of view. Discuss your financial  goals and future as a couple. Discuss what he wants to do in regards to his family. See if there is any way to find some sort of copromise that you both can be happy with. You don’t even need to come to a real conclusion right now. But you definitely need to talk about it. Which means being open, being honest and withholding judgement.

Post # 6
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

I know that finances are handled differently in other cultures but in mine, everyone is responsible for themselves. If family falls on hard times and you have the means to help them then sure, but under no circumstances would I ever allow my hard earned money to be sent to people who refuse to work because they feel that they don’t have to. Children should never be responsible for supporting their parents. Parents should make the appropriate financial decisions throughout their life to allow them to stay afloat in their later years. Your MIL should get off her ass and get a friggin job to help support her family. 

Post # 7
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It’s actually quite normal in both Japanese culture and many Latin American cultures that the adult children support their parents. You and your husband are going to be facing some serious culture shocks. There is no “right” answer here except for you and your husband decide in what, if anything, you can afford to give to his parents, and be absolutely clear with both his mother and his father as to your expectations of supporting them as they get older.  This may be $0 in support but you need to get in full agreement with your husband, whatever you eventually end up doing. I think it’s important that your husband explain to you what his understanding of the social norms in his cultures are. they are likely quite different than American norms.

Post # 9
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My fi is Hispanic and I am mixed ( Canadian and island)

My parents paid for my education and are banking on me to get into med school inorder to “help out.” In our culture we are expected to support our elders especially our parents if we are in a place that we can financially. In fact many people send money to their family back home and their family lives better than them! With that being said I understand your frustration with me being raised in the states but culturally it is a part of our upbring. My fi mom has barely worked her entire life and she has lived here for over 40 years! I think she has worked for a combine 5 years? 

by the way I live in south Florida were latin/island culture is the majority. Very few do not support their family financially especially if it is needed.

Post # 11
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

ChristineJp:  you’re missing the point. You say “they don’t want to do anything to improve their current situation.” In some Latin American cultures, they’re not expected to; that is your husband’s role as adult son. You really need to have an honest discussion with your husband about finances overall, and support for his family specifically, and you need to open your mind to the fact that the rest of the world doesn’t always do things like we do here in America.

Post # 15
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

ChristineJp:  Yikes. That’s a really tough situation. I’d be there for our families at the drop of the hat in an emergency. However, I could never commit to it on a regular basis, knowing that they:

a.) had an opportunity to invest money, which they refused to do.

b.) are likely living a better life than me, on my dime, because they voluntarily choose not to work. 

Whether it’s a cultural norm for him or not, it’s not one for you. It would truly be a deal breaker for me, if he is adamant (and is not willing to budge whatsoever) on contributing a good portion of my hardearned money towards his sustaining his families high standard of living. 

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