Post # 1
My friend and her husband have separate finances for the most part. They have one joint account that they use solely for household bills but everything else is separate. I know this is becoming more and more common now a days and I really don’t have an issue with it even though that’s not the way that my husband and I have chosen to handle our finances (we’re joint with the exception of our own savings accounts that we transfer the same amount into each week). What I do have an issue with is when one party chooses to make HUGE purchases behind their spouses back with “their” money.
For instance, in the last 2 years my friends husband has purchased a motorcycle, a boat and a HOUSE (to flip) without even consulting with my friend. I can tell that she’s bothered by this but she always uses the “it’s his money” excuse. They have a lot of problems in their marriage and this is just one of them. It’s fine if you want to have separate finances but regardless of what money is whose, purchases like that really should be discussed with both parties (at least imo). Maybe that money is sitting in the husbands account but it’s still less funds that their family now has (they have a baby whom my friend is solely responsible for).
The whole thing really rubs me the wrong way. I know that this bothers her but she can’t/won’t stand up to him. All I know is, this would NEVER fly in my marriage regardless of how we have our finances set up.
So, if you have separate finances with your spouse (hypothetically if you’re joint like we are), how would you feel if they made HUGE purchases without consulting with you?
Post # 3
I’m not married, but I would not be alright with it. It may be “his” money, but if something went wrong and he was unable to pay off the loan (or however he is paying for these things) it would hurt both of us.
Post # 4
I have more money in savings than FH going into our marriage. I can afford to spend more, but I’m generally a saver. If I wanted to buy anything big, I’d still consult him. I’m starting to look for a car and want to pay cash out of the money I’ve saved and I’ve been discussing it with him every step of the way. I think he’d do the same.
Post # 5
@UpstateCait: I agree with you. In our situation some of our finances are combined and some are separate, mainly because we each have a son, and they go to different colleges. I believe in complete and open disclosure and honesty, especially when it comes to money. We have agreed that we’ll discuss any large purchases with each other prior to making them, regardless of which account the money comes from.
Post # 6
My best friend’s parents started a policy when they were just married and broke. They couldn’t buy anything over $100 unless it was discussed and agreed upon by both of them. Several decades later they are MUCH more comfortable financially and their DVD player broke. So dad went out and bought a new one. It cost $120. This is a drop in their proverbial bucket at this point. But mom still got mad that he’d gone over the limit. Not really mad, just more joking mad. But still. I think it’s a good policy. Maybe just adjust the amount to each couple’s current finances.
Post # 7
First of all, “they have a baby whom my friend is solely responsible for” – WTF?
*ahem…. I think it depends. My Fiance and I have a joint account which we both put a different, specific amount into each week. We do not earn the same, so we do not put the same dollar amount. Also, that account pays for my car, my student loans, my house, our food and utilities, our phones, our insurances, our pets. So you see, it pays for a lot of MY stuff 🙂 If Fiance were somehow able to save enough money to PAY CASH for a motorcycle, and he never consulted me and just came home with it one day, i would be pissed. I’d be pissed because I woudl feel like he did a secret thing. not just a secret thing, but one that would make OUR insurance cost go up, and that could KILL HIM. As far as the house flip thing goes, I wish he had the money to do that. but he doesn’t, so i can’t even fathom it 🙂 I guess i think the house flip should be a joint decision. i mean, when he sells it, is that money JUST HIS? or is he going to share? Is that his business, flipping houses? or just a whim side thing?
I just my final answer is that I think, in a marriage, a few things need to be true: money issues need to be transparent to an extent, and always need to be open for discussion and “on the table” no matter whos money it is (not talking about small purchases – clothes, electronics, etc) but if the “individual’s purchase will affect the couple as a whole, it should be discussed.
Also, Both parties need to be on the same page with whatever is decdided about HOW to handle money, and it sounds like your friend and her guy are not on the same page.
Post # 8
We have separate accounts be we still actively talk about our finances. The only things that we don’t consult the other person on are daily purchases like lunches, etc. We are both over spenders (and I have some debt to show for it!) and so talking things out like if I want a new dress or something is vital to us keeping spending in check and also to keep building our savings.
On another note, what’s with your friend being solely responsible for the child? Is it his kid?
Post # 9
@JenGirl: I think this is a very good idea. And, of course, like you said- each couple should decide together what “policy” will work for them. For us, it’s $200 after a bad snowblower decision by Fiance
Post # 10
@JenGirl: We do something similar even though we have joint finances. If I want to go out and buy a new outfit or something, I don’t consult with my husband. It’s just as much my money as it is his (even though he makes 3x what I do). If my purchases amount to more than our agreed upon limit (which is normally around $200-$250 depending on the time of year) then I’ll give him a heads up and we’ll decide as a team whether it’s a good use of our money. The same goes for him.
Post # 11
I don’t get the whole separate finances while married thing, unless there is a good reason for it. To me a good reason would be something like an addiction, mental illness or something similar. In that case, one person would be responsible for the finances of both, and they shouldn’t be making a huge purchase with the input of their spouse.
When it’s a married couple with completely separate finances and no issues where one spouse needs to watch out for the other, then it’s each their money and they can do what they want. This is one of the reasons why I don’t get the idea of separate finances; not critizing those if it does work for them though.
Post # 12
Oh my goodness, I would be LIVID! Fiance and I have our own accounts and a joint account for bill paying, but if either one of us is spending more than $100 on something, we usually consult with the other. It is not a rule, but we do it because we are a team. When we are married, and our finances are legally bound, that will be even more true. I cannot imagine the gall someone would have to make a purchase in the thousands, let alone tens or hundreds of thousands, without at least talking to thier spouse first! Unless your friends are truly in the 1%, the husband is so entirely ourt of pocket, it is not even funny.
Post # 13
Not cool, in my books. I mean, I have seperate checking and savings account from Darling Husband (that he has no access or rights to), and I would tell him that I’m planning on going on a shopping spree, even though I’d most likely be using “my” money. If roles were reversed, I would expect the same open communication from him. Buying huge items like that (we’re talking THOUSANDS of dollars here!) without even a peep is disrespectful to the spouse, IMO. You’re a UNIT now, and that includes finances, even if you have seperate accounts. Like you said, its less money for the family!
Post # 14
I think I’d even be mad if he made a big purchase FOR ME without consulting me! Some family friends started making the big bucks about ten years ago, and they sort of got in the habit of giving each other cars for Christmas/birthdays. Seriously, the Beamer with the big bow on it. I can’t imagine spending that kind of money, even if it’s a gift for your spouse. You talk about that sh*t first!
Post # 15
Yeah, that sounds like some pretty big symptoms of even larger problems. I would definitely not be ok with that scale of failure to communicate! Fiance and I do not plan to combine finances, and his salary is higher than my prospective one (oh yeah, and I’m currently unemployed, so that’s interesting as well) so I can see us having some things to work out over time as to how involved we are in each others’ finances.
Post # 16
@Ms Rocky Point: The house thing was just on a whim. It was “cheap” (though we’re still talking tens of thousands of dollars) but it’s mortgaged so now that’s one more payment that they have to make every month. I know that he’s wanted to get into the flipping biz for a while, which is great, but it’s still something that should have been discussed with his wife before he jumped in feet first. On top of just buying the house, he now has to pay to flip the damn thing so that’s even more money that he’s spending that she never agreed to. As for what happens when it’s sold, no clue. I doubt she see’s any of that money.
@Ms Rocky Point: & @Mrs.Mittens: Yea, the baby thing… it’s really upsetting. It’s his baby but he has almost nothing to do with him. He see’s him for maybe a few hours a week and has done almost nothing as far as his care is concerned. My friend was raving about how he got up with their son during the night a few weeks ago. The baby is 8 months old and this is the first time that’s happened. I just looked at her like “yea… and?” since I don’t think the guy deserves a friggin’ award for doing what he should have been doing all along. Honestly, I don’t think he’s ever changed one of his diapers either. As far as the finances go, that’s on her too. She BF’s and has family watch him so he doesn’t cost much as this point but even just the necessities that he does need comes out of her pocket. Anyway… lol