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Does he mean after the wedding? I could see if he was thinking until the wedding be apart for a holiday, but I would definitely expect alternating (or do say, my family this Thanksgiving, his for Christmas) and alternate that. I don't know if kids are in your future, but that would be good to ask. Does he see holidays together as a family after kids? Or do you take one kid to YOUR family and he takes one to HIS family (ridiculous!). I definitely think an honest conversation is in order!
@reebee711: That wouldn't work for me. Esp. if you two decide to have kids!
My husband & I have celebrated every Thanksgiving & Christmas together since we started dating in our teens. I know not everyone does this at all until they are married. So for us we just already knew. However if we didn't do it before hand we would most certainly be changing it up once we got married.
Talk it out, but do it calmly! These are the types of things I think people SHOULD talk about before marriage, IMO. Good luck dear!
@love108: Thanks for responding! He means after we are married next summer, continuing to split up on Christmas--instead of starting to share the day and alternate time with each other's families. Not sure if kids are in our future, but they are a possibility.
I think this is stemming from nervousness on his part about "our relationship" changing after the wedding--or being categorically different than it's been the past 10 years (we started dating young--I'm 30). I just found this issue so weird--and unlike him, as he's expressed sadness about being apart on Christmas before.
Hmmm. I vote definitely talk about it sometime when it's not an "issue." Or maybe suggest, going to his family for your first married Christmas, then discussing, do we go to your family or start our own holiday traditions at home. I think it's really interesting, too, because I talked about this with my SO (I'm a waiting bee) about alternating holidays (or at least always doing Thanksgiving with mine and Christmas with his) and he looked so sad and was like, "Can't we have our own traditions!?" I didn't even think that was something he was so excited about, he's still like a little kid sometimes (omg, aren't they are?!?!) so I didn't want to feel like I was yanking him into couplehood times a million. So you never know what you might discover about your FI when you talk honestly!
Thanks, all! The strangest part is that he is NOT close with his family, at least emotionally, and isn't "into" Christmas. But it seems like he is somehow very attached to his family's traditions on that day and hadn't foreseen them changing.
I am going to have to work hard at talking "calmly" about this as I tend to get emotional about stuff like this--but it's good that we are talking about this stuff now and not after our wedding.
I couldnt imagine that. Once FI and I are married and living together, we will be 3,000 miles from both of our families.
We will be celebrating our holidays together, at our home. Although, neither of our families would care if we werent with them for a holiday.
I am sure once you mention you could create new traditions as a family, he might come around.
I definitely suggest a casual talk about it :)
I had this issue come up this year. My FI was all butt hurt that we couldn't afford to fly out to be with his family on Christmas. His mom cried when she called x-mas morning :( I felt bad but was kinda like, we are adults...let's start OUR life together. My family is across the U.S. so I never see them on holidays, I don't mind at all seeing his parents every holiday though.
Oh, and when I said calmly... I pretty much start crying when "future talk" begins, so I meant, calmy more like... not during a tense moment or when the issue comes up, but maybe like, after dinner sometime when it's been a good day and both are in good spirits. :)
I think that would be very difficult to continue after you're married. Especially if you have kids, you will want to be together. It will be a hard adjustment for your families, but it can definitely be done!
What about when you have kids? Eventually you will have to spend holidays together. I agree, a husband and wife should really be together on holidays.
That wouldn't fly with me, either.
This year is the first year we've lived together and we did a semi-split up for Christmas day. We had our morning together, then he spent a couple hours with me at my parents, then when he left I stayed with them for the day and for dinner (and he went to his parent's house). I later joined him at his parent's house for an hour or so before we headed home. It was busy and tiring, but it worked out pretty well. Of course, we're lucky enough that our families do not live that far from each other. We've discussed that we will re-evaluate the Christmas plan after we have kids, though.
Maybe, instead of alternating, you could do Christmas with one set of parents and Boxing Day with another? Or have an early Christmas with one set of parents and a later one with the other set? Good luck with your talk!
Thanks so much, everyone. It's reassuring to know that a lot of couples struggled with the holiday issue. And that FIs are often little boys when it comes to Christmas. :)
I think I'm going to file this under "need to talk about before the wedding" but give it a couple weeks before I bring it up again--on a good day, as suggested. I think maybe yesterday was too close to the holidays to talk about it without a lot of emotional stuff for both of us. And maybe too close to booking our wedding, too--we went from no plans to all-planned in about 1 week! It's a lot to absorb, even in a happy way.
I second what @Mrs.Estep said: "My husband & I have celebrated every Thanksgiving & Christmas together since we started dating in our teens. I know not everyone does this at all until they are married"
He's still just my FI right now, but we've been doing holidays with both families since we started dating. Thanksgiving we spend the full day in our hometown, half with each family. Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas Day with his.
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Engaged (for quite a few months) and just set the date last week!
So of course a little conflict has popped up already. Casually talking to FI about holidays in the future, he seems to think that we will continue to spend them separately with our families. (His live in town and mine 750 miles away--we have spent all Christmasses separately for the past decade.) I haven't minded the separateness in the past, but I feel like husband & wife should be together on Christmas, going forward. I suggested we alternate families each year (and when we celebrate with his family, we will visit mine around the holiday as well or Thanksgiving).
He seems to think that alternating isn't necessary; that we will stay with "our own" families as we have done.
Um, is it just me, or is that a little nuts? I know I'm borrowing trouble because we have a year to sort this out. But has anyone else dealt with this issue? Thanks!