Serious damage control advice needed please!

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hmmm, that’s odd. I’m not sure there’s much more you can do about it at this point. It seems like you have to wait and see if this is an isolated incident or a new pattern and address it from there.

Post # 3
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

double post

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Pollywog.
Post # 3
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You take a breath, walk your daughter to class tomorrow, and assure her everything will be okay. When you pick her up, everything will be.

As an aside, my sister’s best friend went on and on about her grandpa (an esteemed law professor) went to jail for “busting up some b**’s a**”. The teachers and her parents’ were horrified. First, there is no way this guy would every do anything violent, ever. He is the most mild mannered guy out there. Second, they had never heard that language before! It was never said in their incredibly proper home and she only got to see G rated movies. They reacted the same way you did and her grandpa walked her to school and taught a lesson on show and tell and how the truth is better than make believe and her monther just made it through the next week mortified. Twenty years later we all remember it and she will never live it down, but she is a very sucessful medical student who only ever got in trouble once again in her life (when she was 16, so her parents had over a decade of peace).

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Pollywog.
Post # 5
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I’d probably a quick conversation with the other mother and apologize for the incident, assure her that you’ve had a talk with and diciplined your daughter.   

Post # 6
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

First, relax. Kids say weird stuff some times. If it is totally out of character for your kid, the teacher probably reprimanded her, but didn’t really think of it beyond that. As a teacher myself, I know I would definitely inform parents and administration, but I teach teenagers, so they understand why that is unacceptable to say. Your DD is 6. Yes, she shouldn’t have said it, but she is little. I would walk her in tomorrow, tell the teacher you’ve talked with your daughter, and ask her to let you know if she hears anything like that again so you can address it immediately. Now…has your daughter recently watched a show or movie that may have had someone say this? Also (and this is the sad part)…she may have heard another kid say it and was just mimicking. Don’t stress too much!

 

ETA: I would just talk with the other mom briefly, apologize, and tell her you have no clue why your daughter said that. Not much more you can do than be honest. Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  KatiePi.
Post # 7
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would have your daughter apaologize to the mom, if that is possible, perhaps with a note? And maybe ask her about it in a week  (when she gets the movie’s back) and see if she has anything more to say about it. But I wouldn’t start panicing that you’re raising a sociopath or anything like that. Kids say things to figure out what sorts of reactions they get and what’s appropriate. I think you handled it great.

Post # 8
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

As a teacher, please know that kids say things they don’t understand all the time!

You did a GREAT job of handling this, and now it’s time to have both of you move on. Your daughter’s teacher thinks nothing negative about you, and it’s her responsibility to talk to the other parent IF the other parent ever finds out and has questions (which is highly unlikely). Your daughter understands why her words could be hurtful/harmful, and that’s the most important thing. Model for your daughter that you are moving on, and she will too. 

Post # 9
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I wouldn’t bother making her apologize to the mom, I think that would be a little overkill. Seems like she knows it was wrong and went through appropriate reprimands for it. it will probably be an isolated incident.

 

and for a laugh, here’s a list of weird/creepy things kids have said to their parents. 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-creepiest-things-a-child-has-ever-said-to-a-parent?s=mobile

Post # 10
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t have any kids, but I am studying child development in college and one of the most interesting things we’ve discussed is when kids put together words or phrases that the parents have never said or that they themselves might not really even understand. Your daughter probably heard that phrase from walking by the TV when the news was on, or maybe she overheard an adult conversation in the grocery store, or what have you. I can guarantee what she said was just regurgitation of something she heard an adult say and thought was good to repeat at the time. None of this is your fault and you are doing an excellent job of handling it!

Post # 11
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

Mrslovebug:  I wouldn’t worry about it at all. It’s just a stupid thing kids say without really understanding what it means. At her age she only has the vaguest concept of what death or killing actually is. It doesn’t mean she’s violent. The teacher is overreacting because after all the school shootings they have to be on high alert for anything that might involve a gun.

I wouldn’t even say anything to anyone, including your daughter. If the parents of the other girl are not insane they will know it was just a thing that kids say. If they mention it, just say, “kids say the weirdest stuff, we don’t even own a gun” haha. End of story. 

I remember at school being about 6 and talking about who’s dad was bigger and who would win in a fight. Which is just ridiculous because the obviously this didn’t relate to any intent to fight etc. My Dad’s a physist and probably hasn’t been in a fist fight since he was 10 years old. Haha! 

Post # 12
Member
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

Mrslovebug:  As someone who works in schools (school psychologist), this isn’t a big deal. Kids say goofy things sometimes, especially the young ones. You won’t be patted down upon entering the school.

I would apologize to the teacher and to the girl’s mom. Other than that, you’re fine. 

Post # 13
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Young kids say stuff like this all of the time. My 5-year-old niece is jealous that a boy she likes has a crush on another girl; she blurted out the other day that she was going to shoot said little girl “with a real gun.” It’s unfortunate we live in the times we do NOW, where people have hairtrigger reactions and automatically move to suspension and expulsions in some cases.

I think OP handled the situation pretty well. All you can do is say, “Kids just come up with things sometimes. We’ve talked about what she said and how we don’t want it to happen again,” to both the other parent and the teacher. I’d imagine most parents, if they’re being candid, have plenty of similar stories about their kids.

I do think punishments lasting for a week and making her apologize to the other mother is, as others have said, overkill, but not a terrible idea. It just means that talking about violence and how discussions of it should be tabled at school might be more frequent conversations.

 

Post # 14
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I wouldn’t bother with the other mom. Where my kids go to school, they generally can only tell the other parent about the incident, but aren’t allowed to name names. I would just talk to the teacher and explain you discussed it with the child and it shouldn’t ever happen again. Teachers get it. 

Post # 15
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

I agree that it’s not abnormal at all, kids that age are testing their autonomy and come up with weird stuff. I would say that instead of only punishment, ask her what she should do next time (tell the teacher if someone is breaking a rule), and ask why she didn’t do it this time. If it’s “I don’t know” or “I forgot” just go over how to get an adult’s attention and let them know what’s going on.

Worst case scenario, you find that she isn’t comfortable with going to the teacher for help, and you need to find out why. Sometimes teachers will tell kids not to “tattle” and ignore them (rare, but it does happen!). Best case, you work on her critical thinking and self reflection skills and build a better trust between her and the teacher!

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