Serious Doubts About Getting Married…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you decide not to break off the wedding, I would at least postpone it.  One thing that has been important to me throughout my relationship with my SO is learning HOW to argue.  He used to stomp off and avoid me, but I can’t deal with that.  I break down.  Basically, what we were arguing about was less fuel than our reactions in the arguments themselves.  

After about a year of arguments ending in discussions about how we can argue better (treat each other better throughout the argument to avoid making it worse), we hardly get mad at each other anymore.  I just find this to be one key piece to effective communication within the relationship.

However, it sounds like you can’t even get a word in right now.  And if he’s really going to avoid your friends, that’s not a person you should be with anyways.  Maybe try couples counseling?  And if nothing works, then I would break it off.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  SeaOfLove.
Post # 3
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Maybebaby121314:  you need to listen to your gut truth here and yeah, it does sound like a mistake to marry him. Disagreements happen all the time and he got a big fat FAIL for this one. All this about kitchen painting? He sounds dramatic and self absorbed. If he can’t work on communicating like a big boy I would def not legally yoke yourself to him. 

Post # 4
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It sounds like you both need to calm down a bit before making any decisions. Let the dust settle and then see how you feel. It was only one big fight, but the fact that one fight has got you reconsidering getting married, may be indicative of their being something deeper that your intuition is picking up on. My mother always told me that women know deep down when something isn’t right and to listen to that. She even told me about how she was having doubts on her wedding day to my father, who ended up being abusive. If you do calm down and decide that you still want to marry him, then I would definitely consider premarital counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively during a fight. 

Post # 5
Member
8905 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Why on earth would you marry someone you’ve never even gotten into a fight with?  Sorry but that just seems naive.  I would 100% postpone the wedding.  What’s the rush?  Work together on your communication until you’re sure this is the person that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE getting into fights with!  Because let’s be honest, there is conflict in every marriage.

Post # 6
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

All couples argue. Many fight. Learning HOW to fight (sure, voices might get raised, but you’re not out to emotionally destroy the other person) is part of being a couple … but it sounds like he’d rather just have it his way. At the very least, postpone and seek counseling. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders: you’ve been through abuse, you can row your own boat in life, you have too much respect to let that happen again. Protect yourself first, and worry later about whether or not this is the right way to go.

Post # 8
Member
8905 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Maybebaby121314:  Sorry, I reread my post and I didn’t mean to be harsh.  But the way that you fight with your partner is a critical aspect to the success of a marriage.  I would definitely postpone the wedding and ask him to go to couple’s counseling with you.  From what you’ve posted, his way of dealing with conflict does not seem healthy or normal.  I’m glad you have more self-respect/strength than to saddle yourself with a potentially abusve man again!

Post # 9
Member
703 posts
Busy bee

Maybebaby121314:  ummm our spare room haa gotten lots of use! Everyone argues well most ppl! You have to learn how to argue! Sounds like you both lost the plot there! I think also it takes a while to settle in living with someone especially if you’re used to your own space. Me and FI hAd our own places when we moved in together and it took a lot of time to get used to

Post # 10
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Listen to your intuition. Calm down before you make any big decisions. It is great that you do not want to end up with an abuser again, but this is one isolated incident. All couples argue…the trick is to be able to disagree in a manner which is not detrimental to your relationship.

My husband and I fought like cats and dogs during our first two years of marriage. There were power struggles, resentment over some of my husband’s actions and outside pressures such as health issues. We learned that we would both rather be happy than right. Now we rarely fight and when we do, we usually end up hugging it out and laughing. 

Post # 11
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bettyboo1982:  

+100000 My husband and I had to adjust to living with each other too.

We had both lived alone for over five years before we were engaged. 

Post # 12
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

So what is it that you are actually fighting about?  Certainly not your painting technique.

Post # 13
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

i agree with PPs that you need to learn how to productively disagree. eventually even the happiest couples will disagree, but there are 2 kinds of fighting. one kind is where everyone screams, maybe one/both of you says sorry at some point, but nothing is resolved. the other kind is where you recognize you don’t agree, you cool down, and you come to some sort of conclusion to the issue (without being mean or nasty to each other about shit that doesn’t matter).

also, i know you said you talked to your friends about him and that now he doesn’t want to go out with them as a group ever again. maybe mildly dramatic, but it does raise a tee-tiny red flag for me about you (and i mean this nicely): i am a firm believer that if you are in a relationship with someone, the only time you should talk about them to friends is to build them up. the reason i say this is because you love your SO/FI/DH unconditionally, but your friends do not. they love you. and they will not be as quick to forgive if they think he’s hurt you in some way, and if the only side of the story they have is yours.

that said, yes obviously this was a major overreaction to painting the kitchen. but you (hopefully) get the point). build up your spouse/bf/fi to others, and deal with the actual issues productively between yourselves. you’ll both be much happier for it. and, while you learn how to do that, put the wedding on hold.

Post # 14
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

jamb:  +1 All this over paint? He must have been harboring way deeper feelings that just you not painting the room to his satisfaction.

And I don’t blame him for being upset about you talking to your friends. While he has very much blew this out of proportion, it isn’t good to tell your friends that stuff. I get it, you want someone to talk to, but perhaps in the last year he would have been the one to talk to. I can’t say I’ve never talked to my friens about my husband, but I make a strong effort to say as little as possible about arguements with my husband, no matter how big or small.

This obviously goes deeper than paint. If he has an explosive attitude he needs to put that in check and seek help for anger issues. Both of you need to work on communication too. If all of a sudden you guys were yelling at each other about what pisses you off, that isn’t a great way of going about it.

Post # 15
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

I agree with MrsHalpert:  re: talking to your girlfriends about your argument. I learned this lesson after discussing a very minor argument between FI and I with a girlfriend. After that, my friend kept thinking we were on the verge of a breakup and that I was miserable. Not true at all! I have to agree with your FI about airing dirty laundry…It probably makes him feel uncomfortable and embarassed to see your friends again knowing that they know bad things about him.

that said, your FI had a major overreaction to something quite silly and I would at least postpone the wedding until he can figure out how to behave like a rational adult and make his feelings known in a more productive manner. Definitely a red flag there and something I would look into more deeply. Hope it all works out for you, OP!

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