Post # 1
My fiancé and I are planning on getting married December 13, 2014. We have been together for a year but friends for about two. I officially moved in with him July 1<sup>st</sup> and things have been going really great. We get along wonderful, still have date nights and of course we have disagreements but never fight…until recently.
Monday of this week we got into a huge fight over painting the kitchen. He said I wasn’t doing it right, I have painted the interior of my home for years by myself and told him I didn’t ask for his help and his way is not the only way of doing things or there is more than one way to do it right. He screamed some pretty nasty things at me and I yelled back at him to not ever speak to me in that manner again. He stormed off and had quite a temper tantrum. The next day of course we both went to work and I honestly thought that he would have calmed down and offered an apology when I got home from work. Instead of an apology as soon as he saw me he retreated to the bedroom and said nothing to me the entire night. I proceeded to make dinner and clean up but I was so hurt that I slept in the guest bedroom that night.
I sent him a text explaining why I was not sleeping in our bed. I was so hurt that he would talk to me so terribly, well not talk but scream. It was horrible. I told him I lived with a verbally and mentally abusive man for 17 years and I have more respect for myself to never live that way again.
Yesterday, two days later, I met a few friends after work for a drink and we talked about all kinds of things. Of course I talked to them about our argument and how silly it seemed but I am just so hurt that he is continuing it on and on via text. The texts yesterday were so bad that I told him I no longer wanted to get married. All I wanted was an apology that was it. Last night when I got home we had a HUGE fight to the point that we were both screaming at each other terribly for an hour or better.
We did finally both calm down, both apologized and I did sleep in our bed with him last night but I have been such a wreck all day today. I have been on the verge of tears all day thinking what a mistake I am making marrying this man. This afternoon the texts began again asking why I aired our dirty laundry to my friends last night after work. I told him the three girls I was with are all three very good, close friends of mine. Girls talk about problems, happy things, sad things…we all talk about what is going on in our lives. It just feels better to talk to your girlfriends sometimes. I didn’t go into detail, just the basics really. Now he says he is never going out with all of our friends anymore, not having company over etc because I told everyone horrible things about him and he just doesn’t want to be around everyone when they are thinking what a jerk he is.
He is quite excitable and high strung normally and very much a drama queen a lot of times. He has just beat this whole thing in the ground so badly that I am having second thoughts and do not know what to do. Our first big fight and this is how it is handled? I am not sure if it is just getting close to the date and we are both a little nervous and on edge (he has admitted he is very nervous but loves me and does want to get married) or was this just my intuition telling me to not get married. I love him and I have no doubt he loves me. I just don’t know what to do. HELP!
Post # 2
If you decide not to break off the wedding, I would at least postpone it. One thing that has been important to me throughout my relationship with my SO is learning HOW to argue. He used to stomp off and avoid me, but I can’t deal with that. I break down. Basically, what we were arguing about was less fuel than our reactions in the arguments themselves.
After about a year of arguments ending in discussions about how we can argue better (treat each other better throughout the argument to avoid making it worse), we hardly get mad at each other anymore. I just find this to be one key piece to effective communication within the relationship.
However, it sounds like you can’t even get a word in right now. And if he’s really going to avoid your friends, that’s not a person you should be with anyways. Maybe try couples counseling? And if nothing works, then I would break it off.
Post # 3
Maybebaby121314: you need to listen to your gut truth here and yeah, it does sound like a mistake to marry him. Disagreements happen all the time and he got a big fat FAIL for this one. All this about kitchen painting? He sounds dramatic and self absorbed. If he can’t work on communicating like a big boy I would def not legally yoke yourself to him.
Post # 4
It sounds like you both need to calm down a bit before making any decisions. Let the dust settle and then see how you feel. It was only one big fight, but the fact that one fight has got you reconsidering getting married, may be indicative of their being something deeper that your intuition is picking up on. My mother always told me that women know deep down when something isn’t right and to listen to that. She even told me about how she was having doubts on her wedding day to my father, who ended up being abusive. If you do calm down and decide that you still want to marry him, then I would definitely consider premarital counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively during a fight.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Why on earth would you marry someone you’ve never even gotten into a fight with? Sorry but that just seems naive. I would 100% postpone the wedding. What’s the rush? Work together on your communication until you’re sure this is the person that you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE getting into fights with! Because let’s be honest, there is conflict in every marriage.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
All couples argue. Many fight. Learning HOW to fight (sure, voices might get raised, but you’re not out to emotionally destroy the other person) is part of being a couple … but it sounds like he’d rather just have it his way. At the very least, postpone and seek counseling. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders: you’ve been through abuse, you can row your own boat in life, you have too much respect to let that happen again. Protect yourself first, and worry later about whether or not this is the right way to go.
Post # 7
lolot, We actually have argued but this was really bad. There was no rationalizing with this man, it scared me. Yes, he is very dramatic to say the least…always!
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Maybebaby121314: Sorry, I reread my post and I didn’t mean to be harsh. But the way that you fight with your partner is a critical aspect to the success of a marriage. I would definitely postpone the wedding and ask him to go to couple’s counseling with you. From what you’ve posted, his way of dealing with conflict does not seem healthy or normal. I’m glad you have more self-respect/strength than to saddle yourself with a potentially abusve man again!
Post # 9
Maybebaby121314: ummm our spare room haa gotten lots of use! Everyone argues well most ppl! You have to learn how to argue! Sounds like you both lost the plot there! I think also it takes a while to settle in living with someone especially if you’re used to your own space. Me and FI hAd our own places when we moved in together and it took a lot of time to get used to
Post # 10
Listen to your intuition. Calm down before you make any big decisions. It is great that you do not want to end up with an abuser again, but this is one isolated incident. All couples argue…the trick is to be able to disagree in a manner which is not detrimental to your relationship.
My husband and I fought like cats and dogs during our first two years of marriage. There were power struggles, resentment over some of my husband’s actions and outside pressures such as health issues. We learned that we would both rather be happy than right. Now we rarely fight and when we do, we usually end up hugging it out and laughing.
Post # 11
+100000 My husband and I had to adjust to living with each other too.
We had both lived alone for over five years before we were engaged.
Post # 12
So what is it that you are actually fighting about? Certainly not your painting technique.
Post # 13
i agree with PPs that you need to learn how to productively disagree. eventually even the happiest couples will disagree, but there are 2 kinds of fighting. one kind is where everyone screams, maybe one/both of you says sorry at some point, but nothing is resolved. the other kind is where you recognize you don’t agree, you cool down, and you come to some sort of conclusion to the issue (without being mean or nasty to each other about shit that doesn’t matter).
also, i know you said you talked to your friends about him and that now he doesn’t want to go out with them as a group ever again. maybe mildly dramatic, but it does raise a tee-tiny red flag for me about you (and i mean this nicely): i am a firm believer that if you are in a relationship with someone, the only time you should talk about them to friends is to build them up. the reason i say this is because you love your SO/FI/DH unconditionally, but your friends do not. they love you. and they will not be as quick to forgive if they think he’s hurt you in some way, and if the only side of the story they have is yours.
that said, yes obviously this was a major overreaction to painting the kitchen. but you (hopefully) get the point). build up your spouse/bf/fi to others, and deal with the actual issues productively between yourselves. you’ll both be much happier for it. and, while you learn how to do that, put the wedding on hold.
Post # 14
jamb: +1 All this over paint? He must have been harboring way deeper feelings that just you not painting the room to his satisfaction.
And I don’t blame him for being upset about you talking to your friends. While he has very much blew this out of proportion, it isn’t good to tell your friends that stuff. I get it, you want someone to talk to, but perhaps in the last year he would have been the one to talk to. I can’t say I’ve never talked to my friens about my husband, but I make a strong effort to say as little as possible about arguements with my husband, no matter how big or small.
This obviously goes deeper than paint. If he has an explosive attitude he needs to put that in check and seek help for anger issues. Both of you need to work on communication too. If all of a sudden you guys were yelling at each other about what pisses you off, that isn’t a great way of going about it.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC
I agree with MrsHalpert: re: talking to your girlfriends about your argument. I learned this lesson after discussing a very minor argument between FI and I with a girlfriend. After that, my friend kept thinking we were on the verge of a breakup and that I was miserable. Not true at all! I have to agree with your FI about airing dirty laundry…It probably makes him feel uncomfortable and embarassed to see your friends again knowing that they know bad things about him.
that said, your FI had a major overreaction to something quite silly and I would at least postpone the wedding until he can figure out how to behave like a rational adult and make his feelings known in a more productive manner. Definitely a red flag there and something I would look into more deeply. Hope it all works out for you, OP!