Post # 1
I will try to make this as short as possible. In a nut shell, My FI and I want to move in together, but are having the hardest time deciding due to my parents’ abhorrant opposition to it.
He owns an adorable house that I would absolutely love to live at. Currently, I am renting a room from my mother’s friend who has a ridiculously large house. I have a great huge room and closet, but not my own bathroom, nor my own kitchen. I dont even have internet or cable. Therefore, ALL of my time is spent at my FI’s house.
We decided that since we are paying for most of the wedding ourselves, it would make sense for us to move in together and save the money that I am spending on rent. However, that would absolutely break my parents’ heart. They are very conservative and I know they are sooooo against us living together. Not only are they worried about us being “sinners,” but I am sure they also care about appearances (i.e. what everyone at their church thinks).
We are really struggling because we want to do what’s best for us and what makes us happy, but we also don’t want to burn any bridges with my parents. The last thing I need is for them to be unhappy with us leading up to the wedding. My opinion is that there is a ring on my finger, a wedding in the future (8 months away!) so obviously, we are already committed to eachother. We are spending the rest of our lives together. Why does one big giant party and wedding reception make it OK for us to live together?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO? HOW WOULD YOU BREAK IT TO YOUR PARENTS? WOULD YOU WAIT TIL YOU WERE MARRIED TO MOVE IN???
Post # 3
I moved in before we were married. Some parents think its a great test to see how you work together. Your parents are on the other end.
You guys are adults and I really hope they realize this is what you want and if the opinion of others is more important than their daughters happiness.
Post # 4
Well, I’m a firm believer that you are an adult and you should do what YOU want to do and your parents can just get over it. Unless you are living in their home and/or they are paying for college or something right now to the point they have the “my rules” stipulation going on.
They may not like it, but you are living your own life, not living it for them, so you have to do what makes you happy and what makes sense. I doubt you’ll burn bridges with your parents, but they’ll probably tut-tut a little and disapprove. But it’s your life! I moved in with DH when i was 19 for a summer. My parents just said, “okay. You’re a big girl” basically. If you’re spending all your time over there…i just think it’s kinda silly if you want to move in together!
Post # 5
Have you sat down and had a conversation about this with your parents? I agree with you on all your points. You two are engaged, everything is booked, there are 8 months to go. This isn’t some dude you met at a bar last Tuesday.
I understand why you don’t want to upset your parents, but I think respect is a two way street. If you’re going to respect their choices, lifestyle and beliefs, I think they should do the same for you. I know where religion is concerned living together before marriage is a difficult topic, and it certainly is very complicated, I would hope your parents would at least try to understand your point of view. I think an honest conversation about the whole situation would help.
Post # 6
For us, we are waiting until we are married to live together because we believe that is “right”, but that is just us. For me it is more romantic, for example he cannot see me until I walk down the aisle on the day of the wedding.
A wedding ceremony is a big deal for us, something more than just a day, but that is because it has religious implications for us, kniting our souls together, but everyone is different. I suppose it is magnified for me because I was engaged once before, and sure that we were going to be married, thank heavens we didn’t, but there is a definite difference between being engaged and married.
I think you have to follow your heart! Everyone is different, I am just speaking from my point of view. I say, hey its 8 more months, why not just wait it out and move in together as husband and wife, I think thats very romantic and exciting! But you are an adult, explain how you feel to your parents, you rule your life now.
Post # 7
i wasn in the same boat as you, except we bought our home together and i just told my parents that this was our decision and that we were engaged and they needed to understand.
they came around and are understanding about it. they dont go flashing announcements at church, but they respect my decision and now come over weekly to do dinner with us 🙂
Post # 8
I moved in with my fiance, he was my bf at the time. He got A LOT of grief from family members, his grandmother told me I was Satan’s bellkeeper amoung other things. But, it worked for us and we are way more happier and saving tons of money. I know people shouldn’t move in together just for the sake of money, but honestly that helped our argument out a lot, anytime anyone said anything to him he would joke it off and say well if you have 700 dollars a month for me to rent an apartment I won’t live with her. His mom will still make comments about how she doesn’t agree with it, but we really don’t care that much. She literally tried to do everything in her power to force him to move back home even after we were living together, I really think she was disappointed that he didn’t fail but thats another story. So basically what I’m saying is it worked for us even w/o parental consent on both sides, so if you think itll work for you go for it, don’t let other people dictate how you live your life, even parents.
Post # 9
I strongly believe that couples should live together before marriage. Dating and living together are two totally different things and I think living together really shows if your relationship can stand the test of time. Could you try explaining to your parents that it is important for you to do this to make sure your relationship will last and NOT end in divorce?
Post # 10
You have 2 options in a situation like this: Make yourself happy or make your parents happy.
Which is going to cause more drama and stress for you, dealing with their disapproval and angst, or inconveniencing yourself by living somewhere else and feeling some anger/frustration at having to cater to what they want?
All you can do is choose which one you’d rather deal with, since you don’t have the luxury of having parents that approve.
You could attempt to have a calm and rational conversation with them discussing how you’re an adult, and are capable of making responsible decisions, and while this is not the choice they would make, it’s the choice you’re making. Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll be able to appeal to their sense of reason since they have decided that religion and “keeping up appearances” are more important.
Post # 11
I think you are an adult you can decide what you want to do. Why waste the money on rent when you can be putting that money into something better fh’s house or the wedding. Personally if i did something and my parents didnt like it too i would bad this is my life i’ll live it how i please
Post # 12
wow, thanks for all the input ladies.
part of me is worried that if i do move in officially, things after we are married will be different, or not as special. you know, like we will already be used to sleeping in the same bed and cooking dinner together every night.
i wonder if living together before your married is giving the marriage its best shot?
Post # 13
I have to ask, what’s wrong with being used to sleeping together and being together? That’ll be the rest of your life. You should love it. Not be sad that it’s not “new/special”. It should always feel special.
I don’t think it gets old, personally. Maybe in 20 years….=P
Post # 14
I think it will be just as special. I know when my FH and I first moved in together – there was an adjustment period. We had some little spats and just general frustration about who does what housework, how things should run in your household… etc. Who wants to spend the first few months of your marriage arguing over which way the toilet paper should fall?! I understand some people wait for religious reasons (or other reasons…) but IMO moving in together first is a great idea.
Post # 15
My parents were the same way and were definitely not okay with us living together before, but once we got engaged and set a date, we decided to do it anyway. At first they weren’t happy about it, but if you give them time to warm up, they’ll get over it.
I found that being up front and honest and explaining the reasons was all they really needed to hear. Be respectful, but demonstrate that you’re an adult and you’re not asking for permission—especially since you’re paying for the wedding.
I actually found out later (and she would never admit this to my face) that my mom told my sister that she was proud of us and the way we were approaching everything, because by the time that I told my parents about the idea, we’d come up with all the reasons that it made sense and didn’t seem like a haphazard idea.
You might be surprised.
Post # 16
You are adults and you need to do what is best for YOU TWO. We moved in together a year into our relationship and sure my grandfather was not happy but he wasn’t paying my bills or anything else.
Unless you live in a small tiny town, your parents church people wouldn’t really know about it unless your parents blabbed about it themselves.
The only thing I would consider is if they are contributing to the wedding, in any form. They may hold that over your head so you need to decide if you can do without their contribution to the wedding and how important is that to them.