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Wow that's a lot of stuff. So sorry to hear you're having these problems with your mother. She doesn't approve of your guy. It sounds like she might have some issues with being controlling and some insecurities. Her "ambivalence" and theatrics seem passive aggressive to me.
However, might she have a valid concern that you are getting married too young? I know she was pointing out things like drinking and drugs, that were untrue. But is your age the real concern? If I had a daughter in your position, I don't think I would be happy either. With that said, she isn't acting any more mature.
Neither if you will be happy if this keeps going. Sure moms like to go dress shopping with their daughters, but she seemed to ruin that experience herself. Give her some time, then offer an olive branch. See if you can get to the root of the problem. Maybe it's your age, or Ben. Maybe it's her own insecurities. If she said she'd be more supportive if you waited a few years to get married, would you?
But the bottom line is if you plan to go through with the wedding, and she doesn't want to be left out, she needs to behave herself. It would be a shame if she missed your wedding. (But essentially her behavior has already kept her from enjoying the dress shopinng experience.) Although you'd have to be prepared to for her to pull her money.
Good luck.
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Sorry to hear this. I would be so upset if I had to deal with a mother who was so unsupportive - and so angry. That email was so passive aggressive and her behavior is out of line. My mom would NEVER hang up on me or act that way, even if I had gone behind her back and bought a dress with my FMIL (which I know you didnt). It seems like you should consider waiting to have this wedding when you can pay for it yourself, because as long as your mom is paying, she is going to do what she can to make this a miserable experience for you.
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This is going to be hard for you to deal with. There will be hurt feeling, regardless of what you say or do.
I think you need some independence from your mom. She has stated clearly that she is not interested in your wedding or your life with your fiance. Her tantrum over the wedding dress had nothing to do with caring about your dress, it had to do with her wanting attention and control.
His parents are supportive- go to his mother with wedding ideas and questions. Let your mom have time to cool off. Let her know that you love her and you'd love to involve her, but only when she is ready to respect your relationship and your adulthood.
Is she contributing financially to the wedding? If so, give the money back.
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I'm sorry that you've been going through this. I think it is going to be difficult to unpack all of what is going on from your post. I agree that your mom may have some concerns that we're not able to know from your post, but it doesn't sound like she is able to express them so that you are fully aware either.
Were you having problems with your mom before the wedding came into the picture? Are there other issues that you fight about? Have you continued to attempt contact with her in a loving and open way after the blow up?
I can't really tell you what you should do with respect to going ahead with the wedding, eloping or postponing. I think you and your fiance are the only two people who can make that decision. However, most schools have a counseling service where you can speak to a supportive, objective person who can empower you to navigate this tricky family situation. I would suggest accessing their services. Hopefully, you will gain some peace from this.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time with your mom. It seems like she is behaving like a total brat. She is trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants (not marry this guy) by behaving passive aggressively and guilt-tripping you. Like angelastheboss said, her tantrum over the dress has little to do with buying you the dress and a lot to do with her need for attention and control. Unfortunately although you're trying your best there's probably not much you can do about it.
The only thing you can do is take the power away from her. In this situation, I think it boils down to money. How much money is she contributing toward the wedding? If at all possible I would discuss with your fiance how you can have this wedding without her financial contributions. Maybe if you keep to the current timeline it won't be as grand as the one you imagined. Could your fiance's family contribute more? Or, you could extend your engagement to save up the money.
Then you can set the ground rules for your mom's behavior with you. You can say, "we're having this wedding on our own terms, with our own money. I would love for you to be included but only if you want to be. If you can't support me then I want you to stay out of it." This mean that if she starts turning mean on you you need to stop the interaction immediately. So if you were on the phone, you could say, "mom, I'm not going to talk about "X" like that. If you're ready to have a calm conversation about it then I am ready to talk to you about it. Otherwise, I have to go." Then say good-bye and hang up.
Ironically, what you are doing now by trying to contact her and explain to her and so forth is only reinforcing her bad behavior, because it's giving her what she wants: attention from you. Telling her the truth and explaining things is not working. To her, any attention from you, even if it's bad attention, is better than feeling like she is losing you to some guy she hates.
I second others' suggestion that you seek counseling about this. A therapist will be able to map out more specifically what you can do to improve your relationship with your mom. Once you show her that her negativity is not going to get through to you, she will be forced to change her tune if she wants to maintain a relationship with you. I am certain she wants a relationship with you. She would not be acting like this if she didn't care about you. It's just coming out all wrong.... Good luck.
Wow. Your mom is really out of line. First she isn't interested at all; then she's critical and controlling; then she is angry that you (quite naturally) go and pick out a dress with someone who can be interested and supportive.
I agree with chelseamorning - her behavior is manipulative, and inexcusable. If she doesn't approve of your marriage and therefore doesn't want to be involved, that sucks but it's certainly a choice she can reasonably make. She could also decide to go ahead and be involved and try to be supportive even if she doesn't approve. But there's no reasonable basis for the kind of tantrum she's throwing over your dress - when she had already indicated she just wasn't interested. It sounds like she had assumed that you had no other support system, so that if she made things difficult enough she could force you to decide that you wouldn't get married after all - and now that you've shown that not only can you go ahead without her, but that you have another family (your FI and FILs) who will support you, she's trying to make you feel guilty about that.
I think that the biggest mistake people make with their own families to allow them to treat you worse than you would ever tolerate from your friends. Your family are supposed to be the people who love you best - and I suppose that in some cases that is why they expect that you will continue to allow them to treat you badly. It's hard to stand up to family like that - and tell them that if they can't behave reasonably, they can't be part of your life (or, in this case, your wedding planning or even your wedding) but honestly, that is sometimes what it takes. My mom and I used to have a really disfunctional relationship - she was very negative and critical all the time - but a really good therapist helped me to figure out how to very nicely let her know that if she couldn't treat me better, she didn't need to expect to be a part of my life. It's wasn't easy, and we ended up barely speaking for almost a year, but she and I are now really good friends. And that's mostly because we treat each other with respect, and understand the boundaries of what's allowed. I'm sure that she still thinks some of the things she used to say - but most of the time she's smart enough not to say them.
I really hope that you can get to the point where you think of your mom as a friend. I'm not sure that will happen before your wedding. But maybe with some counseling you can figure out how to deal with her without letting her upset you so much, and how to involve her in your wedding in reasonable way. In the mean time - please don't feel guilty about leaning on your FILs and your friends for the support your mom can't give you, and really, really - don't apologize to your mom for a situation that is more her fault than yours. If she really wants to be involved, she can behave like a mother instead of like a spoiled child.
And - although this probably sounds like crazy advice - if you have cable, watch The Dog Whisperer. The secret to dealing with unreasonable people is often the same as dealing with bad animals - you need to be calm, to convey to them what you want and what kind of behavior is appropriate, and you need to be able to be dominant without being aggressive (to get your way without getting into an argument).
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seriously, you guys do not know how much that meant to me to get so many replies.
i am going to comment to everyone on one message so please bear with me...
yes, age is a issue for her.. but i think that is just like the "drinking" and "drugs." its just one more thing she is trying to throw my way. it could be something underlying but i feel that, as a 50 year old adult she should be able to convey her feelings without me having to try to figure out what the real reason of her behavior is. she is totally unpredictable. it could be. it could not be.
my mother and i weren't having any problems until Ben and I got serious and I had to chose between them. naturally, that caused tension. but she brought it upon herself by putting me in that position. ben has bent over backwards just to get her to be CIVIL to him. she has not.
the issue is this, she is contributing a lot of money into this wedding, at her request. something similar happened this summer and i decided to forgo wedding planning altogether. i told her that i did not want her to help me financially because i didn't want it to be an issue and i didn't want this wedding to come between us. Ben and I were just going to get married at the court and only our immediate families (including her) were invited. she told me that she still really did want to help with the wedding and she didn't want me to compromise my "dream wedding" because of a fight. well, the worst has happened and here i am.
she told me that she didn't want to talk to me after the blow-up and i was still really hurt and offended. i tried calling her once and we talked briefly online about logistical stuff regarding school but that was it. she didn't want to hear anything else.
i have asked her many times about the REAL reason why she doesn't like ben and she says that she "just doesn't like him" she never gives a straight answer.
i think i am going to write to her now and explain my position. i don't think its fair the way i've been treated and disrespected when i have been trying to include her in every way possible. thank you all so much for your support. i never realized just how controlling and manipulative she was being. i will keep you posted.
Holy drama batman!!!
Good luck with your wedding. I would just stop trying to get answers out of her. If she doesn't want to be involved, stop talking to her about it and go on with your life. Maybe when she sees that you are really going to go through with this with or without her, she will think differently. If he does do the bad things she says he does though, I really would take a step back and ask myself if that is really what I want to deal with for the rest of my life.
I'm really sorry to hear about this. I am going through some similar situations with my family. And reading your post made me feel like i wasn't the only one.
In my opinion your mother is out of line. She is the one that is in no way excited about this wedding, so I'm not sure what exactly hurts her. I think you should be hurt that your own mother is not excited that her daughter finally found happiness in her life. The fact that she doesn't care, but then gets hurt what you say "oh well", doesn't make sense. She needs to either be excited and proactive, or stop coming in the middle of your life.
Again, I'm really sorry. You are in no way at fault!
I agree with the above posters that your mom is trying to control you...and that you are probably just reinforcing it by continually asking for her support around your wedding. On the other hand, she obviously means a lot to you (obviously, she's your mother, but I get the impression that you've generally been pretty close to her?). I don't think you'll feel great about your wedding knowing she's in this place. Perhaps it would help to talk to her not int he wedding context but more broadly. It sounds like you've at least had one non-wedding conversation....maybe that's the place to start. At least keep the lines of communication on neutral territory. Hopefully she'll calm down a bit and maybe you can talk less about how hurt you both are (she obviously feels hurt as well regardless of whether it's justified), but about how you want to be in each other's lives. The reality is that you're getting married and your new family with your FH is going to be your priority (that's healthy), but it just doesn't sound like *you* will be happy just letting go of her. I also think that counseling might help you sort this out before you have a deeper conversation with her. Maybe it would also help to draft a few letters so you can organize your thoughts and feelings....and maybe if you hit on the right one you can send it so she can read it privately on her own time.
Have you seen the movie Monster in Law? Sounds like she's one of them. Let her know it's important to you that she is supportive. Also remind her that because of all this animosity and bitterness if your FH ever did do anything horrible, you wouldn't be able to talk to her or go to her about it because all you would hear is "I told you so." She's killing your relationship, maybe she doesn't see that. IMHO, she's like a diseased limb: it would be nice to keep your hand, you've always had it, it's useful to you, you feel it's a part of you. But if your hand is causing you too much pain, and doesn't do what you need it to, cut it off! Otherwise it's just a hindrance to your life and wellbeing. She either loves you enough to support you, or she doesn't. No grey area. If she can't be supportive, why include her at all?
@suzanno LMBO about the Dog Whisperer comment! I actually do that!
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DISC+LAIMER: please excuse the language and typos.. i pasted this form my journal and am just too upset/over it to edit.
i've been meaning to write about this for a while, now.. but honestly, i didn't want to think/write about it because i'm still really hurt. but i need to get it off my chest.
Ben and I have been talking about getting married since TWO months after we started dating. He proposed to me in November of 2007 on the couch in the library. That was when he gave me his grandmother's wedding ring, kinda as a promise ring/space holder until he proposes with the "real" ring. But in our minds we were engaged and he even told his parents that we were getting married when I met them for the FIRST TIME during Christmas break of '07. So we've pretty much been wedding planning for over a year, now. We "technically" got engaged on June 21st 2008 at his brother's wedding and kinda announced the engagement then. ANYWAY fast foward to a year and some change later.. we are thrown in the middle of wedding planning and school and life and work and going to a new church and just a not of newness/firsts for both of us. My mom doesn't like Ben (for really no reason- she thinks he smokes weed which he DOESN'T and drinks a lot, which he DOESN'T). She's been trying to break us up, convince me that we're going down different paths, that he's not the one for me.. basically anything you could think of aside from completely sabatoging our relationship. But she's come close. So already there's tension because my mother hates my future husband who I will be spending the rest of my life with, who will become my new family, the man who is my best friend and the love of my life. It SUCKS because its either my mother or my husband. And I love both of them but.. how can you chose? Anywayyyy she is extremely disinterested in wedding planning. I came home for Christmas break intent on getting a lot of wedding planning done since i had 4 weeks with nothing else to do. While I was home I would try to show her wedding gowns I liked and she wouldn't even take her eyes off the television screen while saying "that's nice, yeah." I would try to talk to her about the venue, flowers, centerpieces, anything and she just didn't care. One time I actually got her to come wedding dress shopping with me to show her the dress that I was IN LOVE with (last Feb.) and she told me how much she disliked and I cried. Every idea that I did had was either stupid or not good enough. I wanted to have a small wedding with around 45 people and she said I "had" to invite my aunts and uncles.. I protested with her about how I only wanted people who I really loved and knew supported me there and was told "I would take your friends off the list before I didn't invite your aunts and uncles." WHAT THE FUCK? THEY ARE MY FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME FOR 5+ YEARS AND WHO LOVE ME AND ARE ACTUALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS WEDDING AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME NOT TO INVITE THEM TO <font size="3">MY</font> WEDDING??!?!? I eventually said what-the-fuck-ever and invited Ben and my aunts and uncles, which added about 8 people to the guest list (of about 75 because she HAD to invite SIXTEEN of her friends). THEN it was invite your cousins (who are not good people and do not like us/only talk bad about us) i said no no no no no and she pulled the money card, "well i'm paying for it and i only want cousin so-and-so there and your cousins from Florida probably won't come anyway. so i said, well yeah i like cousin so-and-so and yeah they probably won't come all the way from FL. well her plan BACKFIRED and now the guest list is up to 90. okay.. whatevererrrr. i said fuck it it means more gifts for us and we get to party with more people.. as long as all of my friends can come I can suck it up. I'm not even gonig to get into ALL of it because there was so much more shit that she pulled and made me feel like an idiot/bad/stupid for.
Fast foward to about two weeks ago.
I was in Virginia out to eat with Ben's family and a family friend names Cathy. Ben used to work for her as her assistant (she's a photograpter). She started asking me about my wedding, where and when it was, if i had found a dress, blah blah blah. I said that i found a dress online that I really liked but hadn't ordered it, yet. She said "well did you try it on?" I said no and she asked if I wanted to go on Thursday to try it on because it would suck if I ordered it and didn't like the way it looked on me. So I said okay and e-mailed my mom to let her know that I would be goig to try the dress on and not to order it after I did.. Then Thursday comes and on the way to David's Bridal Ben's mom tells me that if there's any thing that i see and really love and it's under $400 that she would buy it for me. (We had asked his parents to help pay for the DJ and they said to pick three things we wanted them to pay for, we picked two and couldn't think of the third so Ben's parents said that my dress could be the thirs third thing). We meet Cathy and try on about 6 dresses.. I found one very similar to the one I tried on last year (the one my mom hated) and everyone loved it.. it looked really pretty and it fit good and it was the right price ($379) so I called my mom about five times to see if she would be okay with me getting the dress.. She didn't answer the phone at all... So I went back inside and there was four people standing around me waiting for me to make a decision. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want my mom to be upset but this dress was amazing, I knew we couldn't afford it, it was the right size, on sale, being discontinued, and it was either buy it now or risk not getting it. soooooooooooooooooooooo I said "I guess we'll just get it." Everyone was excited and Cathy even paid for it to be fitted THAT NIGHT so I could pick it up before we left for NY on Saturday. I tried calling my mom a million times and finally got in touch with her at around 7:30 at night. I explained what happend and why I called her so many times and she said something about it being a slap in the face and "your FIANCE'S MOTHER goes to get your wedding dress!!" and asked me if I just wanted her to pay for the wedding and show up (AS IF I WASN'T TRYING TO GET HER AS INVOLVED AS POSSIBLE FOR THE PAST FUCKING YEAR!!!!!!!!). Then she hung up on me.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
Then I called her the next morning to see if she was ready to talk and she hung up on my AGAIN. I didn't talk to her for about four or five days and finally had to e-mail her about loan stuff.. On the bottom of my e-mail I said
p.s- i wasnt trying to offend you when i went to go look at dresses..
i'll tell you the whole story when you're ready to hear it.
her response was
I don't want to hear about your dress I am very offended and will always be.
it wasn't important enough to you to have me there what was important to
you was the dress I don't want to talk about it now or ever it's time
to move on
I will tell you it changed the way I will look at things from now on
WHAT THE FUCK?!? She doesn't even know the story. She doesn't know that I WAS only going to look, that Ben's mom SURPRISED me by telling me they would pay for the dress, that I called her 9 times to see if she could be okay with it, that it was the last dress, in my size for the right price.. She doesn't know that Cathy paid for the overnight fitting so I could have the dress back in NY with me. She never gave me a chance to explain anything. AND SHE NEVER OFFERED TO TAKE ME GOWN SHOPPING!!! i don't undrstand.
then my sister tells me today that my mom told her that she's not talking to me anymore and how selfish i am and how she does everything for her kids and they always fuck her over. i am so hurt and offended and i honestly just want to call the whole tihng off and just get married with me and Ben and a witness on a baseball field and have a wedding in 10 years so we can do it OUR way with no one dictating because it's their money. i honestly never want to talk to her again. i have never been this deeply hurt in my life and i don't know what to do or say.