Post # 1
I am really regretting my Maid/Matron of Honor choice. I chose my “best friend” because at the time we were inseparable.
Well let’s just say she dropped me for a guy (which she is no longer with). Now that she’s magically back in my life after 5 months, she still hasn’t been a big help. I asked her to go to my venue, she had a nail appointment. I asked her to the florist, she had a headache. She only came with me for invitations and dress shopping – NOTHING ELSE.!
To make matters worse, my bridesmaid who lives 9 hours away is planning the whole bachelorette party because obviously my Maid/Matron of Honor is incapable.
The Maid/Matron of Honor tells my friend “I am so happy you are helping me with the bachelorette party”, when the Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t done anything. Not even help my bridesmaid. The Maid/Matron of Honor says she is just not creative enough to throw a bachelorette party.
Also, she hasn’t mentioned one thing about a bridal shower.
I really want my bridesmaid who has stepped up to wear that title. I have known her longer, and she is truly there for me…. How do I go about this? Should I just tough it out, and give the bridesmaid all of the credit and let the Maid/Matron of Honor live in her own world? Is it ok to replace the MOH?
I really don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
@jamielynn6: I don’t know if it’s just me, but I didn’t EXPECT my BMs to help. However, if they offered to help, great! Or if I wanted an opinion on something, I would ask. If they shared their opinion or didn’t have time to, no problem – I figured it out on my own or with my mom’s or DH’s mom’s help. If it’s really bothering you, bring it up to her. Ask her if everything is ok in her life and gently ask her to help out more. I wouldn’t get angry over it. I’m sure you have a lot going on as it is!
Post # 4
Your MoH’s contribution to bachelorette party planning is between her and the other bridesmaids; you have to step back and let them sort these things out themselves. And while it would be lovely to have some company when visiting the venue or picking out flowers, it’s not realistic to expect that your MoH would be willing or able to accompany you. There are just too many appointments and vendors to expect someone to clear their calendars for all those things.
I would first off reset my expectations on what each member of your bridal party is expected to “do.” Basically, the bare minimum is “show up and wear the pretty dress.” Anything over that is a blessing and a gift. Make a list of all the things you would LIKE them to be a part of, and ask each one what she is available for and interested in.
And leave the planning of showers, parties and all that, up to other people.
Post # 5
@fishbone: I agree.
OP, it’s not your MOH’s job to help plan your wedding. You can invite her and ask her opinion but she doesn’t have to come or give you one. I agree that it’d be great if she could, but it’s unfair to get mad at her if she can’t come to appointments with you.
As far as the parties go, stay out of it and let her and your other BMs figure it out. Traditionally, the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs plan showers and bachelorettes, but once again, it’s not a requirement.
Also, it’s important to note that you pick your Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs because they are your nearest and dearest not because of what they can and cannot do for you. I strongly advise against replacing your Maid/Matron of Honor because she isn’t throwing you a bach. party or going to all of your vendor appointments. It would be a b*tch move and cause tons of drama. You can, however, have 2 MOHs if you would also like to honor another close friend.
Post # 6
@RunsWithBears: Thank you!! That is a great idea. I honestly do not want to be a bitch/bridezilla, BUT I want my friend who is stepping up to be noticed, and honored as well… I am going to have 2 MOHs.
Something I forgot to mention was that she was speaking to another friend of mine talking about being Maid/Matron of Honor in an annoyed tone… as if it was a burden. I have never demanded anything from her. Those times she couldnt make it I just said ok.. I would of liked her to show a little more effort to be there for me, but I did not make a big deal out of it.
All of her actions (especially the bashing being MOH) have been piling up on me and ive gotten to the point where I felt she didnt deserve the title. She can keep the title, but she will have to share it with.
Post # 7
BM’s and Maid/Matron of Honor jobs are to stand up for you in your wedding. NOT to help plan your wedding. There are no rules that say that they must plan parties, help with DIY, go with you to Dress apts, venue apts, ETC. If they do help that is just big ole extra bonus stuff. I think you need to take a step back and realize your wedding is just not that big of a deal to other people other than you and your Fiance
Post # 8
Who is going to give the toast at your reception? My sister lives in another part of the country. I did squat for her wedding. But I was Maid/Matron of Honor and gave the speech. She also didn’t do anything for mine (before the wedding anyway, once she arrived in town for the wedding, she was very helpful), and she was my Maid/Matron of Honor. Not only did we not help plan each other’s bachelorettes, etc., we didn’t even attend each other’s. It’s about so much more than who “does” stuff, but who you want to honor with that title. I had one other Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she did EVERYTHING (I didn’t ask her too, I honestly thought that because I didn’t have any local family, I wouldn’t even have a bachelorette or planning help). But she doesn’t like giving speeches, and had no interest in any “honor” title. So when I gave my little speech at the rehearsal thanking people, I mentioned her in particular (I would have also done so at the reception, but she doesn’t like being the center of attention so I did it with a smaller crowd). In the thank you section of our programs, we also listed certain people specifically, and while we thanked “all the members of our wedding party,” we listed her for a specific thank you.
Post # 9
I think your mistake is going into this situation with these expectations. I didn’t expect very much from my bridesmaids.. so when they offered to help out it was really great… instead of me griping because they weren’t doing enough.
Post # 10
@jamielynn6: Leave your other friends out of it, and if they start trying to replay their conversations between your MoH and them, ask them to stop. This isn’t just good advice for planning a wedding; it’s good advice for life. We’re all human and we ALL say things to friends in confidence that might be hurtful or interpreted as hurtful to/by the folks who are not present in the conversation. Learn not to gossip, and don’t get sucked in by the gossiping of others. It’s entirely possible— or even probable– that your MoH was feeling some of the stress that you’ve put on her with the various appointments and needed a sounding board. Don’t feed this behavior.
Post # 11
Your MOH/bridesmaids are in charge of planning the bridal shower and bachelorette, not attending wedding appointments with you.
Post # 12
Im almost 30 and have been involved with quite a few weddings at this point… I have never been asked, or heard of others asking, bridesmaids to go to venue and florist appointments. I think you set yourself up for disappointment with possibly unrealistic expectations.
Post # 13
Thank you for clearing up the whole apointment issues.
Post # 14
Personally I would have her step down from Maid/Matron of Honor to Bridesmaid or Best Man if the wedding is an annoyance to her. I would definitely want to recognize the other Bridesmaid or Best Man who stepped up to the plate. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Post # 15
Your Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t obligated to help you with everything, while she should be helping you with anything she is capable of, you should not be expecting her to upend her life just to attend things with or for you. She is not a slave. It sucks that she isn’t helping with the bachelorette plans and hasn’t mentioned any shower stuff yet, but it’s up to your BMs to get her in gear for the bachelorette party and your mother to get on her about a shower.
Post # 16
I am in no way demanding she go to these things or treating her like a slave. I simply asked, and she denied many times. Since I am always there for her I expected her to be there for me.. I now understand that she doesnt have to attend these things and that she definitely wont.
It was my mistake to begin with to choose an unreliable Maid/Matron of Honor.
In the end, I will recognize those who stepped up and proved to be good friends.