Post # 1
This is kind of my last call before I actually head to the doctors and get anti-dps. It’s not the first time I have suffered with depression, so don’t be alarmed if you are in the run up to your wedding, you probably won’t go to the depths of despair I am currently drowning in.
In the throngs of wedding celebrations and amidst the heat and passion on our honeymoon in Mexico, it appears I have entirely lost my identity. Does anyone else feel like this since becoming a wife?
My whole life was geared towards getting married, becoming someone’s wife, and probably if I’m frank – to be wholeheartedly loved by someone and good enough for them to devote their life to me. And now that has happened – now what? Nothing seems to have any point or importance.
It’s ironic, since the first few months of being married felt like I had lived my life in black and white and I had entered a world of technicolour, and i loved it – i still do love it, and love my husband who is very supportive. But I just have a massive gaping hole in my identity that not only was filled with ‘being a bride’, something that everyone wants to be, and yes I know am now a wife, but I dont know what that is – other than this same job for the rest of my life, this same house for the rest of my life, this same existence forevermore. And yes i know I can change jobs, or houses but ultimately one massive goal i was working towards filling, has now been filled – and it will be filled for the rest of my life. So now what? I didn’t grow up with a mum who received any fulfilment in being a wife and it appears I am heading in exactly the same direction, despite vowing I would be different and feel honoured. And it’s not that I don’t, I want to – but I just feel nothing, I feel empty and I look grey. Ironic at just a month after weeks of feeling full and overwhelmed, looking my most colourful and beautiful. All gone in a flash. *poof*
Sorry if this is really depressing, and any ‘just get on with it’ responses are not welcomed, I have already thought of that and would be if i was able to find it that easy. Thanks for any of your time thought if you feel urged to reply.
Post # 3
@cazzasimpo: From the sound of what you have written, your identity is tied up with what your role in life, not just who you are?
I think you need to try to seperate what you are from who you are. You need to work out who you want to be if all the external stuff was taken away from you. And you need to work out what will make you happy.
Is that kind of what you are getting at? I think finding someone to talk to locally – a counsellor or therapist, might help you.
Post # 4
How about volunteer work to make you feel more fulfilled? Whenever I’m feeling down, doing something good for others or the community always brings me back up and puts things in perspective for me. For example, volunteering at a soup kitchen makes me feel blessed for being able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want. Donating clothes to a homeless shelter makes me feel blessed that I have the opportunity to replace and upgrade clothes.
Your identity is not wrapped up in your role as wife, but what you choose to do in your life. Volunteer, get a new hobby, take classes, change up your career. There are a million ways to bring fulfillment in your life in conjunction with being a wife.
Post # 5
- Wedding: February 2014 - Windstar on Naples bay
I kind of feel the same Way. Not that I felt like my whole life was leading up to be a bride but that was the big to do and now it’s over. Now what?
Post # 6
Thankyou guys for responding. Ironically I am in therapy as I am training to become a therapist – this being half the problem, I HATE my job as a journaliswanting am desperateky wanting/trying to divert my career. I totally agree with what you’re saying about not identifying, but I just feel as tho I am nothing, almost like I don’t exist?! irrespective of what I do or don’t have externally, I don’t have anything going on internally. think I should prob find a depression forum – might be more suitable, sorry tdull you guys out.
also – that’s a good idea volunteering I used to and enjoyed it, will look into it – Thankyou 🙂 xx
Post # 7
@cazzasimpo: I was a bit depressed after my wedding. It lasted for several months and I think I am finally coming around. I was sad for several reasons and I think it is somewhat normal. We spend so much time, thought, energy, money into creating what we hope is a near perfect day. The wedding day goes by in a flash and for me it the stress/aggravation of wedding planning did not seem all that worth it. I had a difficult time planning my wedding (drama in lots of areas) and my wedding day was difficult for me……
I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and my husband. We are trying to create a new life for us which has included looking into new hobbies we can do together as well as apart. I am trying to spend some more time with friends (weddings have a way of bringing out the good or bad in people).
Try to find some new interests or hobbies….. hobbies can always bring the mind to a peaceful and pleasant place…..
Post # 8
I don’t know where you are from, but in some cultures, since you are a child, they pretty much hammer in your head that your job as a woman is to find a man, be a good wife and mom. I know because it used to be so common in our Latin community. Maybe not your case but if so, it is hard to basically reprogram your thoughts so you can see things differently.
The only way I see out of there is to find what gives you joy in life. What you find fun, interesting, challenging or entertaining So yoy can create a life and an identity other than being a wife. Marriage is a status but does not really define who you are as a person. Do you know what things, hobbies, etc you like? If so, maybe enroll in some classes or groups? If not, go out there and explore and try new things out. If you don’t like them fine. You move to the next. But the most important thing is that just as you’ve realized, your happiness depends on you. Living and trying to find happiness in solely carrying out a role is not easy. And in my opinion, even if you can, it can be a very lonely existence
Post # 9
that really helps to know that you felt the same and that its kind of natural – i dont have any fellow brides to ask, since as you say weddings bring out the worst in people and due to much drama i fell out with my best friend who was the only one i would now ask to see if she felt similar – and to then know it was normal. Ive been thinking i must be pregnant the amount of tears im shedding, it feels somewhat ludicrous. I am going to look into hobbies, and volunteering – just feels like everything costs money and we are doing up our house, another very overwhelming thing (we moved a month before the wedding) – but volunteering doesnt cost. You’ve been really helpful thankoyu.
And also, while I am from the UK so its not a tradition as such, it was most definitely drummed into me by my mum – so feel like now, lost. I think you are so right – I am looking for happiness externally, and i do know ill only find it internally (i am Buddhist so really i should be practising what i do already know) i just seem to have lost all….botheredness about whats inside, there doesnt seem to be anything within? its very odd how empty i am feeling.
thankyou everyone, so much xxx
Post # 10
I do miss being a bride. But overall, I feel so relieved to have found the guy, gotten married and be done with the wedding stuff. I’ve strugged with depression in the past, and wedding planning made me want to run back to my therapist, argh!
What you’re feeling though sounds a lot different. I’m glad you are getting help. For me, I find that church helps when I’m feeling like I don’t have a purpose. It helps me feel like I’m part of a bigger plan.
Good luck and best wishes!
Post # 11
@cazzasimpo: My theory is this. Smart people get depressed. (lol) Seriously, what you’re going through sounds like a normal life passage to me.
I was thinking about this kind of thing just this morning in regard to myself – that maybe I’ve been “depressed” or dealt with “anxiety” in my life. Sure I have, who hasn’t? However, I’ve been undiagnosed, unlabeled and unmedicated and uncounseled. I’m ok with that. I don’t think people are supposed to be happy all the time.
Getting married is an adrenaline rush. Ups always have downs. Think of life as a pendulum swing and strive for a healthy balance most of the time.
There’s nothing wrong with you, IMO.
Post # 12
What about trying to find a new hobby you can focus on.
I went through something similar several years ago when my (now ex) boyfriend moved across the country to complete his commercial pilot’s licence.
I felt completely lost and though I still had my job and nothing much changed around me I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I decided to get back in to horseback riding (something I had been heavily involved in up until going away to school). It helped me tremendously and gave me something to focus on again…something for myself.
Post # 13
@cazzasimpo: You are a human being. Which makes you wonderful, beautifully complex, and absolutely deserving of love – and you are loved. I hope that you can eventually find the strength to love yourself from within and identify yourself based on things that are not of this world. Stay strong.
Post # 14
I think your life had a clear meaning and a clear goal before, getting married and planning an awesome wedding, but that’s over and now you’re feeling lost. Now it’s just work, come home, lather rinse repeat.
There are lots of things you can do to give your life more meaning, but one of the best ways is helping others. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you can make a huge difference in the lives of others, on a daily basis. You’re struggling with depression- well I guarantee you that your friends, family, coworkers, and even spouse are struggling with things too, and would benefit from your help. A friendly greeting, a sincere compliment, a phone call to a parent, homemade muffins for a friend, a hug for your husband. Little things make a big impact. A former colleague was the most popular employee at work – largely because he greeted every person every morning with a genuine smile, and by name. That tiny thing brightened everyone’s busy day, and 3/4 of the company turned out for his farewell party.
I think it’s great to see a doctor and get the meds you need, but you can also try looking at the world as full of people in need of your cheer and encouragement.
Post # 15
Thanks all – this has really helped, just knowing that people have experienced similar and im not that alien, or depressed. I LOVE the theory that smart people get depressed as I am sure this is true – as we are more emotionally conscious than someone else who can either compartmentalise or pick up a bottle of wine, thats what my therapist says anyhow.
i am desperately trying to divert my career into something that helps people, and did use to volunteer pre-before the wedding took over my life so its something i need to get back into doing, just as ever time is always short as i run two jobs, neither of which i am fulfilled (so tiredness plays a part in feeling like this also!!)
Think i need to look after myself eating better, while also being firm and not allowing myself to dive into this rut, that for whatever weird reason, I am reluctant to get out of! Enoughs enough – but i just haven’t seemed to get bored of feeling like this, and also wonder is it a defence mechanism to push husband away – since i know the minute i do and he runs, (which i imagine he wont) but if he did, id be able to beat myself up. Jeez, good job i am in therapy and have group therapy tonight lol. Basketcase alert.
Thanks all xxx
Post # 16
@cazzasimpo: Be patient and kind with yourself. You’ve made a major life change in getting married. After the dust settles from the wedding and honeymoon almost everyone goes through some kind of identity crisis, or identity clarification might be a better way to put it.
You are more than just a wife but being a wife is also a wonderful part of your life. Give yourself time and space to adjust and talk to your husband like a friend, because he should be your friend. Chances are he’s experiencing some of the same emotions you are, which would also be perfectly normal. 🙂