(Closed) Serious pressure from in-laws re: TTC–what would you do?

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

My MIL always brought up us having babies, and I would just small talk…and one day she said ‘Well I WANT more grandbabies’…and I just replied ‘Not open for discussion’. She hasn’t said a word about us trying since.

Post # 4
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow. I’m so sorry. They were completely in the wrong. At the end of the day having a child is a lot of work and a huge decision and only one you can and should take when you are completely ready. I can’t believe adult people could try to interfere and pressure you in this way. I think you just have to be strong and calmly tell them, or get you husband to tell them, that you will let them know when and if you are pregnant and that you’d appreciate some space on the issue until then. It’s really none of their business! Don’t be pressured!! x

Post # 5
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was confronted once by MIL (FMIL at the time) about kids- it was well known that I was on the fence about having them ever… and my only response to her was “This is something that <MrDane> and I have discussed at length” and I left it at that. 

Post # 6
Member
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think your dh needs to step it up and let them know next time they say something about this that it’s pushing their boundaries too far. This is your decision, and yours alone (as in, you and DH). But that means your dh needs to get on board with you. It’s not fair to expect you to be uncomfortable so as not to be rude to your in-laws, when they clearly don’t have the same consideration for you–pressuring you is not only innappropriate, it’s rude

Post # 8
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow, that is beyond rude!  So they basically demanded that you make a baby for them right now. Brace yourselves. This won’t stop once you’re pregnant. Then, they will probably butt in when it comes to naming the baby, child care, nursery decorating, etc… And they will likely expect you to hand them over the baby on a silver platter whenever they want to. After all, they’ve been looking so forward to their (first?) grandchild, right? And who knows how much time kiddo has left with its grandparents?

You need to nip this in the bud now. No need to be rude. Next time they bring it up, just say “This is a personal decision between DH and I and we won’t dicuss this with anyone else. We’ll let you know when we have news to share. So how about this crazy weather we’ve had, huh?” Don’t reason with them. Don’t justify your choices. It will only give them more ammunition to counter argue. Your decisions are not up for discussion, and that’s that.

If this doesn’t work, distance yourselves from them. If they ask why, tell them you find their constant nagging about grandchildren really stressful and draining, and you need a break. This way they will learn that their nagging has the opposite effect of what they are hoping for. Maybe that will get the message across.

Post # 9
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If all else fails, break out in tears, yell at them that you’re having trouble conceiving and they are soo mean and hurtful to constantly remind you. Then ask them for $20k for fertility treatments. Maybe that will stop the pressure. Unless you know that they would actually give you the money. Then that won’t work.

Post # 10
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think your first problem is that your husband doens’t think this is a problem.  I think you need to get him to understand how unacceptable their behavior is and run interference for you.

With that said, it could be worse – my MIL told us she doesn’t care if she ever has any grandkids Undecided.

Post # 12
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

+1000 to the other posters who say this is a problem because your husband doesn’t seem to think it is.

I have a fairly “bossy” MIL who LOVES to give her opinions about everything. Now generally speaking I get it, it’s just the way she is, and I mostly let it roll of my back. However, when I start hearing her judging how other people raise their children (for example: “I hate pacifiers, you should NEVER use one past the first 6 months. It’s just lazy parenting”) I really get my hackles up.

I sat DH down (back when he was FI actually) and said basically the following:

I love your mother, I can typically deal when she gets crazy judgmental about things, HOWEVER when it comes to (1) WHEN we have children and (2) HOW we raise said children — that is a discussion between YOU AND ME and NO ONE ELSE. And while we can disagree in our own house about these things, we present a united front to your parents, my parents and anyone else. You and I need to make our boundaries clear to our respective parents and make it clear that we stand together on these things.

Anyway, this is all to say that IMO I think your response is to have DH to respond. Because in the end this is his family and to my mind that means it’s his responsibility to step up and support your JOINT decisions. Bottom line, while “that’s just the way they are” is ok in certain situations, I don’t think this is one of those times.

Post # 13
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MM423:  Only half kidding. 😉

I should also mention they already have two grandsons, ages 14 and 8.”
–> There you have it.  They have grandsons, but no cute, cuddly grandbabies. You owe them a baby girl. (Now I’m kidding.)

Post # 16
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You should not have to do anything at all in this situation.  Your FI needs to tell them to back off.  If your FI can’t do that, that’s a problem.

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