Serious Problems Right Before Wedding

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@OakRock:  Considering your history, are you ready to get married? Sounds like your fights are really, REALLY dramatic, over the top and disrespectful. I’m not saying that neither FH nor I have ever gotten into a fight but we don’t call names, get out of moving vehicles, throw objects, etc.

Maybe you need to consult with a therapist and see what they say.

From what you’ve said, a little time and greater understanding might help your relationship heal more than any wedding ever could.

Post # 4
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014
Post # 6
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Things may never go back to the way they were before the month long melt-down.  Your FI may forgive, but may not be able to forget.  He’s seen what you’re capable of and while you say it is a phase that has gone away, he may always wonder what it will take to bring that back to the surface.  

Has he seen a counsellor to even think through his feelings by himself?   Have you had any counseling appointments together so that you can hear his feelings about your behavior?  With a month to go before the wedding, things probably will not be completely resolved, so it’s up to the two of you to decide whether to sort this out first, or marry first and then work on sorting it out.  

Post # 8
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

@OakRock: I’m not sure from reading your posts if you’ve flat out asked him his thoughts on postponing the wedding, or if he’s just avoided talking about it when you’ve hinted around the edges changes in your relationship.  If you haven’t openly discussed it, maybe you should. 

I love to show that I care for someone by baking  as well, so I get that.  Hopefully your plan will succeed, but you may be more dealing with being happy on the surface than addressing the issues concern both of you relative to future rough patches. You say that historically you’ve been fairly dramatic – and when things got rough you upped the dramatic response ante.  

It sounds like your psychologist has told you (or even better helped you find the insight yourself) about what triggered you, but have they given you tools to use in the future so that you do not react so dramatically – even in daily life?  Has your FI discussed with your psychologist how he may help you deal with rough spots in a different fashion so that your reactions are not so volatile, because it takes some effort and ‘retraining’, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had much time to let those changes take effect yet.  I hope you both do find happiness and feel ready to walk down the aisle. 

Post # 9
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Postpone, postpone, postpone.  If he has serious doubts, do not marry him.

Post # 10
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

A relationship can be downright tough. So tough, at times, that ending things seems like the more “rational” choice.

My sister read a devotional at my wedding shower that really sobered me (not that my FI & I were or are having problems, it just reminded me to be prepared for the future; although in years past we also went through a phase that sounds oddly similar to yours). It was all about what it takes to make a relationship work, and it was likened to a pie recipe.

Now, regardless of whether you are religious or not, the main point the resonated with me I’m sure will resonate with you, as well.

The feeling of being in love might now always be present in your marriage due to tough circumstances etc… There might be times when the only thing holding you together is the commitment that you made and the vows that you promised on your wedding day. That is not to say that a loveless marriage is healthy or should persist, but a marriage without hardship has never existed. You will have to repair your marriage more than once in the course of your life, or tweak it to perfection. But what keeps you together is not just the love, it is the commitment & willingness to make it work and fix what is broken every single time. Love and commitment work better in harmony, but commitment must also stand even when love has taken a fleeting absence. 

There is no guarentee that before you walk down the aisle that your relationship will be entirely repaired. What you must know before you walk down the aisle is whether or not you are both commited to becoming better people, and always picking up the pieces when a part of the relationship gets chipped or broken. That promise is what will sustain your marriage until the end of time, not simply love. If after asking that question of yourself & your FI you are both still unsure, then I implore you not to walk down the aisle.

http://www.lovethegrows.com/2012/11/questions-you-should-ask-before-marriage.html

^^ I found these questions helpful for both my FI & I to ask each other too. It was intimate for us, and a bonding experiencing. Perhaps it will be the same for you, & if not, then maybe that is a red flag you ought not ignore.

Post # 11
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My advice is to go to pre-marital/marraige/couples therapy/counseling. I see that you are going to therapy for yourself, and that is commendable, but I also advise you guys to go to a couples therapy together.

They can help you learn communication strategies, and ask you guys questions and bring up topics that can really help to open lines of communication and compromise in your relationship.

My FI and I are going through premarital and are finding it invaluably um.. valuable… (I really think everyone should go to pre-marital whether they think they need it or not….)

Post # 12
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@OakRock:  i’m going to be honest.  based on your posts and your behaviour, i don’t think you’re mature enough to be married and to know what it’s like to be in a healthy, supportive relationship.  sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to postpone this wedding.  seriously, is this the way you want to start your new life together?

work on yourself.  i think your biggest problem is that you need to find a job or go back to school or do something productive. 

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