Post # 1
In serious need of advice (not judgment) because we really aren’t sure how to tactfully handle this situation.
My fiancée and I are planning a destination wedding for May 2014. We sent out our invitations last week then headed off to a much needed weekend getaway – for the first time with her family. Previously we have had lunch, dinners and even celebrated a couple of holidays together. I was welcomed into this family with open arms but we never spent such an extended amount of time as we did this past weekend. During this weekend I realized how dependent her parents are on her and how she caters to their dependence by always trying to do what everyone wants (she’s a serious people-pleaser and doesn’t like to make waves). I, on the other hand, am VERY outspoken, independent and have NO issue saying what is/is not acceptable to me.
Under normal circumstances the dependency and family time isn’t a problem because she’s fairly good at making sure she splits her time and I’m becoming less of a brat and learning to share.
The problem is this: our destination is Rio de Janeiro and flights are expensive (as you can imagine). We definitely want folks there but we both agree we wont feel comfortable on our wedding trip/honeymoon if it is just the 2 of us and her parents (can you say AWKWARD!?!?!). We gave an RSVP date of October 18th and hopefully by then we will know for sure how many will be joining us. If it’s just the parentals and us, we have to figure out a way to kindly tell them they cant go if it’s just the 4 of us but we haven’t the slightest clue how to phrase something like that.
FYI – FI parents are a hard core traditional Hispanic family so having their daughter marrying another woman is difficult but blessings were given this past weekend which was awesome and amazing. We don’t want our decision to reflect poorly on us but this is OUR wedding and this is the one trip I refuse to allow anyone else be the center of other than my FI and myself.
We REALLY don’t know what to do/say so ANY advice would be helpful.
Lastly, saying “suck it up and have them come” is NOT an option whatsoever so if that is your suggestion, don’t bother posting it.
Post # 3
You already know the answer to this question: there is no way to tell her parents they can only come if other friends or family come. Otherwise you wouldn’t have told people not to post if they aren’t going to agree with you.
Weddings bring out the worst in people, so if you go forward with this be prepared to destroy any relationship you have with FILs and your FI relationship with her parents. Sounds like you have really opened their minds with them giving their blessing of this relationship, do not undo all the good that has come of your relationship with your FI by purposefully excluding her family from your wedding.
Post # 4
@CocoClassic: There is no tactful way to uninvite someone from any event, unless it is cancelled.
Even if they are the only two at your wedding, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your honeymoon with them. I can’t believe that many parents would expect that to happen.
Make arrangements to stay in one place for the wedding amd move to another hotel for the honeymoon. Don’t share the latter information with anyone.
Post # 5
@CocoClassic: i hear ya.. that would be super awkward. Try to wait it out and hope and pray others will RSVP yes. You still have over a month for people to respond. If you are getting ancy, you can call and feel people out. Where is your family? They cant make it? If it turns out that no one else can come- I would reconsider having a small ceremony close to home (which more people are likely to attend).. and then going on your honeymoon where ever the desitination wedding was supposed to occur.
Make sure they do not book anything. Once they book- you can not uninvite them.
Post # 6
@CocoClassic: What you want to do….is called eloping, but that doesn’t work if you invite people to it, I cannot think of a way to tell them that since they’re the only ones going, that they’re not invited any longer….so maybe see how the RSVP situation works out, and if it looks like its just them, say that the both of you have had a change of heart and want to elope and have a reception back at home so more people can celebrate with you.
Post # 8
@pixiecat: while I appreciate your response, I wasnt asking anyone to agree since there wasnt anything to “agree” with. What I asked was if there is any way at all to uninvite future inlaws and if so what that is. Being 100% real as I always am, I honestly didnt think there was a way but there are others out there with thoughts and opinions and maybe, justtttttttttttttttt maybe someone went thru a situation like this and could offer advice *SIGH* From the looks of it, there really isnt. Their blessing means the world to FI (which I dont understand but I do respect that she honors them). On the flipside, she doesnt want the discomfort/awkwardness that comes with it just being the 4of us either.
@julies1949: If only you knew the parentals. During family vacations they do practically EVERYTHING together. Meals, shopping, beach time. The only thing they all dont do together is taking a dump and sleeping together. So them having the expectation to be with us every waking moment is very much a reality.
@SparkleBee11: My family is another story but no they arent invited and there is NO relationship whatsoever. We are waiting until the RSVP date before we say it’s cancelled but it feels like we are lying/sneaking/hiding and I HATE that. Lying is one thing that boils my blood and as a grown up I dont feel I should ever have to lie to anyone. If I’m going to claim to be an adult I want to try my best to always conduct myself as such.
@Nona99: Thank you very much for the suggestion. I will add that to the list of things to discuss with my fiancee. At the end of the day we dont want to hurt anyone’s feelings but we have to keep our wants and desires as priority #1.
Post # 9
@CocoClassic: Your marriage and honeymoon is not a family vacation. Seems like the problem here is not her parents but your FI. Many couples who have destination weddings do not spend the honeymoon with the guests. You could plan a short holiday- a few days at most before the wedding- which you would share with any guests who come, then have a private honeymoon after the wedding.
The only person stopping this from happening is your FI.
Post # 10
You just need to discuss it with them NOW, not later. Let them know that they need to book their vacation for the week leading up to your wedding, and LEAVE after the wedding, because they will not be attending your honeymoon. Or let them know that if they are the only ones able to attend you are thinking about changing to a cheaper elopment and back-home reception so more people can attend. I see nothing wrong with that.
Post # 11
@julies1949: You are right on point with this one. Being a people pleaser and wanting everyone to be happy is her thing and she feels like it will be a battle btwn her family and I which I find to be absolutely ridiculous. I am outspoken and assertive – always have been. I am not expecting her to be like me but I do need her to realize that she is an adult and allowed to do what she wants to do. Everything doesnt have to be all or nothing and things can be discussed and worked on. This is something we are trying to iron out before we get married because I need her to comprehend your wife is to come before ALL others but that doesnt translate to fuck everyone else’s feelings. Middle ground is hard for her but I’m determined to help her find it.
Post # 12
@almostmrsj: I dont see anything wrong with it either but SHE does which is the problem. Plain speak is something I learned a long time ago but being honest does not equate to being brutal and I dont think she gets that. She says she doesnt want to “hurt” her family’s feelings but by not speaking up and being honest she is doing them a disservice, at least in my opinion.
Post # 13
There is no tactful way to uninvite them unless you cancel the event, which in this case would be your wedding in Rio (the honeymoon could still move forward). If you decide to go ahead with it, you need to set the expectation that they are more than welcome to hang out during the wedding festivities, but find a way to separate for the honeymoon portion of your adventure. I disagree with a PP that you should keep that from everyone– you really need to be upfront because your guests are spending thousands of dollars on airfare and accomodation–you really don’t want hard feelings after-the-fact, especially because their approval and acceptance is important to your wife.
Post # 14
How much vacation time do you have? I ask this because a friend of mine’s destination wedding schedule looked like this:
Week before the wedding: Everyone, including her parents, arrive to Italy (where NONE of them live). Family vacation happens with her, her parents, and her FI.
Weekend of week 1: Wedding happens! Everyone has a fab time! Everyone is sent HOME at the end of the week. Including my friend’s parents.
Week following the wedding: Friend and her new DH travel Italy and honeymoon by themselves.
Could you guys swing something like this? It does mean spending wedding time with her fam, but it doesn’t compromise a private honeymoon.
Post # 15
So I’m just back from our DW (Sweden) and honeymoon (France) – and based on the family time I had while in Sweden I can understand your concern! 🙂
Now, it sounds as if your FI likes spending time with her parents. If they are in fact the only guests attending, is there any way she could fly there earlier with them to deal with all the prep work? They you could come in for the ceremony and then leave for somewhere else in the country or S. America for the honeymoon. Her parents won’t “waste” the flight by just coming for the ceremony, they will feel included, she will get some quality time with them and the two of you will still get some time to yourselves.
We did something similar for our wedding, I arrived about 10 days earlier than my DH – did set up and wedding shopping (decor, alcohol etc) with my parent and then DH arrived about a week before the wedding. We then left for the honeymoon two days after the wedding (retrospect, we should have left at once… but it’s easy to be smart about things after the fact).
Post # 16
@Mrs Darling: Your suggestion would be great IF it stopped at wedding activities/festivities. They rely on FI so much and I wouldnt want to put them in a hard/uncomfy by just leaving them while we scatter about and FI allows the dependecy and she would worry incessantly as to whether they are ok, feeling included, etc. We have enough to worry about without adding on that type of worry as well. I too believe that she should be upfront but it seems like this is the LAST thing she wants to do which makes this is so hard.
@ArtDecoDC: Technically we could swing this but that wasnt a part of the plan nor what is listed on our wedding invitations.
@eocenia: another great timeline idea that we havent considered. For me its not about them being there, it’s about FI spending time focused on their comfort/happiness when us connecting on a deeper level should be the priority (again in my opinion). I want us, as a couple, to be the focus for both of us. Not anyone or anything else.