Post # 1
Regular Bee going Annon….
SO and I are planning our engagement and we are set to to do this early next year, or that’s what I thought. Here are the issues here:
- All of the sudden, SO is convinced that he has lung cancer. At age 27. He goes to the doctor today and they tell him he has Acid Reflux and he doesn’t believe them. He is going to get a second opinion, which I support, but he doesn’t smoke and I have a hard time believing he has throat/lung cancer.
- He acts like he is unable to do anything on his own. He cannot look up our auto policy information, and instead calls me at work 2x to ask me to get the policy number for him, and I don’t see why he can’t do it himself.
- He is convinced that his weight gain is from his cancer. He eats wendy’s every day, eats 2-3 dinner portions at night, and never works out! It’s gotten to where I work out without him and just started making him dinner and eating salad myself because he’s not interested in salad.
All of these things are delaying our impeding engagement. He’s telling everyone that there is something wrong with him and I honestly feel like it’s him not eating healthy meals, not working out, not taking care of himself—is this wrong of me? Any advice would be helpful.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I think you’re right. It sounds like unhealthy life habits are what’s causing his poor health. How odd that he has self-diagnosed himself with cancer of all things.
I could not deal with that… You are a strong woman.
Post # 4
Geez, you’re about to marry a pain in the ass lol. I’m a hypochondriac and I’M not this bad.
Post # 5
First off, if he had cancer, he’d more than likely be losing weight, not gaining it.
Maybe he is reading things, watching too much news, or something that is making him feel this way. Or has a loved one passed away or been diagnosed that was close to him? Maybe he needs to see a physician for a routine head to toe checkup, including full blood work, to ease his mind.
Post # 6
@annonbee1234: Is it possible he feels like he’s not ready to get engaged and is using this as an excuse? If so, he needs to man up and communicate.
Post # 7
@LMD: That’s just it, all of the sudden I don’t feel so strong about it, and I’m freaking out about this!!
@canarydiamond: I talked to my therapist about this issue and she suggested that maybe he’s a hypochondriac so that’s why I said that. It is a pain, and I have been feeling guilty because I want to be supportive but I think he’s being a bit of a child about it all.
Post # 8
@MrsJX3: This is what I’ve been worried about…I can’t tell if I should just bring up the engagement or not.
Post # 9
@annonbee1234: Well, to give him the benefit of the doubt, if he doesn’t have a history of being a hypochondriac maybe he’s subconsciously aware of a serious health issue going on inside himself that could be real. I hope not, but just sayin’. Not a bad idea to get checked out, just in case. If my husband felt that way I’d be the one dragging him to the doctor.
The rest of it, yeah, I can see that being a pain in the butt to deal with.
Post # 10
I definitely think he needs a therapist more than an oncologist. he would be losing weight instead of gaining and it’s unlikely he has lung cancer.
Post # 11
Reading this made me cringe.
A fiance running around claiming he has lung cancer would seriously annoy me.
Unable to make phone calls? Dependency or laziness, either of which would annoy me.
I don’t know if he is doing it to distract, doing for attention or is doing it because he has some underlying psychological thing.
It doesn’t matter because at the end of the day you are going to have to have a serious chat with him.
Post # 12
In the least attacking way possible, he sounds crazy. If he truly believes he is sick, I agree he is right to get a second opinion (and possibly even a third), but at some point he will need to draw the line and accept the experts’ diagnoses. Perhaps you could encourage him to ask the next doctor about his “related” weight gain — I presume the doctor will also encourage him to improve his health habits as you are doing. His fixation on non-existant medical problems would be the biggest concern to me.
As for the neediness, unless you really have a caretaker personality I encourage you to stop doing everything for him. You know what your limits are, but it seems like it would be exhausting to keep that up forever. My stepdad still has quite the spoiled only child type personality and I’ve seen it wear my mom out at times over the years. I’m not saying you should never help him out, but if it gets in the way of you caring for your own needs (he sounds pretty self-centered) then let him handle it himself. Also, I’ve never been a proponent of making two dinners unless there are true food restrictions involved. Sometimes you can eat what he eats, sometimes he can eat what you eat. And if he’s not happy with that, then why can’t he take over cooking a few nights a week? </soapbox>
I’m not trying to be judgy (sorry if it sounds that way) and I know I don’t know the whole picture, but remember to take care of your self and your sanity as you’re taking care of him. And since you’re not married yet, I have to suggest you seriously consider if this is how you’d want to spend the rest of your life. If so, great! If not, make some changes. Best of luck talking some sense into him!
Post # 13
@annonbee1234: I don’t think it’s you. If he is eating lots of fast food and has gained weight, acid reflux sounds like a perfectly reasonable diagnosis. I assume he is experiencing burning in his esophagus, which is very common with acid reflux but COULD make him suspect cancer of the throat/lungs. I mean, he’s not crazy for thinking that’s a possibility! But acid reflux is way more likely, and he can fairly easily take a course of acid reflux meds and see if they take care of the symptoms… I assume the doctor prescribed something for the acid reflux? Why not try the meds and see if it’s better, THEN seek a second opinion? For real, the acid reflux meds will help pretty quickly if that’s the problem.
Post # 14
Meh, I went to doctors for years with them telling me its all in my head or treating symptoms instead of looking for the problem and I know how incredibly frustrating it is to KNOW there is something wrong with you and no one listens Until 10+ years later you get a diagnosis lol
However, claiming he knows what’s wrong and TELLING people he has cancer is attention grabbing and annoying.
the laziness is even more annoying. You must have the patience of jobe
Post # 16
I’m just going to say hang in there!