Weddingbee boards

Yikes.  That WAS incredibly childish of him to do, and I understand why it would upset you (especially since your father was visiting and your neighbors might have been offended as well!).  Does he frequently do immature pranks like this?  Has he said "why" he would have written that on your windshield if you were not fighting (not that it would have been an okay thing to do even IF you were fighting!).  I just don't quite get the mentality behind writing that on your soon-to-be spouses's windshield.  IMO, it isn't funny at all.  I don't think that saying that makes you a "bitch"...I think it makes you an adult!

I'm glad you have contacted your therapist.  Does he ever go with you to these meetings?  It sounds like he has some unresolved resentment about things that he has "given up" or "changed."  Resent is a dangerous thing to have lurking under the surface in a relationship...

@anon09:  I don't how good my advice is, so take it as you will.  If you dissect your above post, here are a few issues, based on my personal experience...

It sounds like you are fighting because of stress, his quiting smoking (it's a MAJOR mood changer).  Stress is a bitch and can come in so many forms and show in so many little ways.  FI and I have been through this also.  I get nitpicky when I;m stressed and frustrated, he gets clsoed off, which makes me even madder and so the cycle goes.  From what your FI said to you via text it sounds like he has some needs that are not being met in your relationship, and perhaps they are exaggerated due to his withdrawls (quitting smoking can make people downright miserable!)  I think you need to cut him some slack.  HOWEVER, what he did the FUCK YOU on the car and calling you a bitch repeatedly is NOT acceptable in any way shape or form IMO.  You don't treat someone you love with such disrespect.  BUT he is also correct to be upset you called him out in front of your dad.  You and your FI are a unit and issues should never be aired in front of others.  Take him aside, into your room etc and speak to him.  A public call out is humiliating, and likely put his already hissy self into lash out mode.

From your above post, I don't think you should call off your wedding yet, and counselling is a great way to get a handle on things. BUT, if this is a pattern in your relationship, and has been all along, then it might be worth considering.  And take a good hard look at yourself too.  I often find when FI and I get into the ring together, I am shocked when he tells me how my behaviour looks to him and how it makes him feel.  I really have to rein myself back and focus on me, and usually when I do that, our issues resolve.  Action/reaction.  I attack, he reacts.  SUcks.

I hope you come to a healthy conclusion here, becasue you are right, no one wants to live this way.  But there is rarely only one doorstep on which to lay blame in a relationship.  As long as there is no phyisical or mental abuse, I think you should work on both of you and your communication techniques before quitting a relationship.  It;s never sunshine and roses all the time.

Good luck!

You deserve much better than this. I'm trying to think what he deserves, and i'm trying to be objective. What he did was wrong, but I'm confused about why you are letting him bait you so much. Don't let him speak to you that way and don't do things like getting into "texting wars" with him.

My advice is to try not to focus so much on the details, like what his reasons were for giving up nicotine. You're getting married and you want a more mature relationship. Figure out what you want to be able to do, like not seeing profanities on your car, and what you need from him specifically to get there. Ask him what he would possibly be missing out on to give you that.

If you can't have these conversations then you are absolutely not ready to marry each other.

It sounds like it's really just a matter of perspective and HOW you both fight. I think this could be fixed with patience and counseling so that the little things don't escalate. I know you're feeling overwhelmed with the problem, but I think it's worth the effort if you love him as much as you say you do.

Well there are up and downs in every relationship. I recommend you wait until you cool down and try and think this through. It boils down to whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and if you want to live this way. He has done some changing but it is unlikely he will do much more. Only you know the answer as to if this the life you want.

@anon09:  I hear you. A lot of times it's just a matter of learing the tools you need to be a rational partner in a relationship/marriage. Three things that helped me:

1) It's important to always argue with mutual respect (that means no name-calling, ever, even if you want to . . . trust me eventually it becomes second nature!).

2) Keep it in perspective (Am I arguing about this because I am tired/hungry/sad/hormonal/embarrassed/etc. or is what happened TRULY terrible? IS THIS WORTH FIGHTING ABOUT?)

3) Don't universalize the problems/keep the fight what the fight is about (if it's about the dishes, keep it about the dishes and avoid phrases like "you always" and "you never").

These are things that CAN be learned if you're both willing to work on it. It feels unnatural at first but in the end it will feel so much better. Hopefully he will at least consider this!

Yeah. I dont think this is worth calling off the wedding, especially if you have been together for 6 years. This is more likely to deserve the "we need couples counseling" conversation first. You are in therapy, but he isn't. This will help the fighting fair and looking at both sides of the situation.

But really, I think you both need to cool off and move on from it.

@anon09:  My FI was aginast counselling too.  I think they are afraid of what they will hear or discover about themselves.  I sat down with my FI (then BF), and explained why I felt we should go together, how I felt in our relationship and how I was struggling, and what I needed from him.  I left it up to him, but I straight out told him "I cannot live my life like this.  If you feel I am the woman you want to spend your life with, we need to get this sorted out.  I feel counselling is a good way to help us.  If you don't agree, tell me now becasue I need to move past this either with or without you".  He walked out on me, didn't speak to me all day.  I was a wreck.  But he came home that night, hugged me hard and said he'd go because counselling was a lot better than losing me.  It was a major step for us that he chose our relationship over his own fears.

If he is against counselling (and I understand his position, I am too), he had best be open to putting a lot more effort in to discussions with you. I suggest talking through your issues as a couple outside of that environment. Giving him the option to talk (rather than going into therapy) will go over better than if he feels you are trying to strong arm him or threatening to leave him if he does not choose that path for himself.

Calling you a bitch is very abusive and sexist language. It shows a serious lack of consideration on his part. I still agree his behaviour towards you needs to be addressed.

Why is he ever calling you a "bitch"? That is the most alarming thing in the whole post, to me. Every couple is going to have fights, but you guys have to be able to fight respectfully. My DH and I fight over stupid stuff, but we try very hard never to lose our tempers and NEVER to call each other names.

I think you can work through this stuff, but it will take some effort. 

As to the "FUCK YOU" on the car... why?! Sometimes I do immature stuff like that, but usually I'll draw boobs or something -- and on someone ELSE's car!