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I would leave immediately. It is only a matter of time before he starts physically abusing you, and what if he hurt the baby??
Could you get an annulment? I wouldn't worry about the gifts at this point, just get yourself out of there before he escalates
@anonymous1234: Don't worry about the gifts. Honestly, people aren't going to be knocking at your door asking where they went to...they'll likely be more worried about how you're doing since you're pregnant and in the middle of a divorce. Personally, I would say try marriage therapy before leaving completely..it just sounds like hell pull any stunt within the legal system to obtain custody of the baby just to control you. If there is no improvement then move on. Did he act like this at all while you were dating/engaged?
@anonymous1234: It sounds like he has some serious anger management problems and you both have some serious communication issues.
I think counseling (both as a couple and as individuals) would really help you both greatly if you are going to keep your marriage together.
Would he be willing to do something like that?
I also say that until you can speak in a controlled environment, you leave (or he leaves) so that you don't end up getting hurt.
you are not kim kardashian.
You need to do what is right for you and your unborn child. If he needs it to be all about him and this is how he is acting when you are pregnant. How is he going to act when the baby is here? You can't ignore the baby to satisfy his need to be paid attention to.
He's already denying the baby. He treats you badly because of morning sickness. He said he would kill himself to get out of taking care of you and the baby.
Go to conseling if you feel that you think he will change but....
You also said you were happier when he left. I think you know what you need to do.
Get yourself out of there. He's being emotionally abusive, and from his behaviour of throwing things it's probably only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive toward you as well. No matter what kind of depression or anxiety issues he's having, this is unacceptable.
Don't worry about what people think. This is a 100% legitimate reason for leaving him and you not only have your own safety but that of your unborn child to worry about as well.
i agree get out NOW. you should never have to feel like that. and it's only going to get worse.
Dont worry one second about the gifts. i know if i gave you a gift and this was happening that i would want you to be safe and take care of that baby versus me getting something back.
stay strong and safe!
Don't worry about what others will think of you sweet friend! You are a mommy now, use those instinctual survival and protection mechanisms to get you through. The stress you are under alone from the uncertainty of your husbands behavior is damaging to both you and baby.
Pleaase keep us updated and let us know if you have a safe place ( friend, family etc) that you can go to that has refuge.
I'm not sure how you went this long without knowing this kind of behavior , but all that matters is what you will be doing right now!
Agree with all the other posters. He's not treating you properly, he's emotionally abusing you, he's denying your child, and he's threatened suicide and destroyed property. If he's willing to kill himself (or make those threats), what's to say he won't hurt you or the baby he says isn't his?
Get out now. Be safe. NO ONE will compare you to a celebrity. Don't worry about the gifts and etiquette. Your safety and the safety of your baby should be your #1 concern. Seek counseling (individual and couples, if you want) AFTER you're in a safer situation. *hugs* Please be careful, and stand up for yourself and your child.
I would say leave. Even if you just leave for awhile, like a week, to think about some things and clear your head. If after that you feel that divorce is the best option, then go with it. And when you have the baby, give it your last name, my biggest stress on single pregnant women, from experience! Also, don't worry about the gifts. I really don't think anyone would care, especially with what you are going through. If my friends got divorced, I wouldn't want the gift back, I got it for them, not for me! Good luck, and let us know how it all goes.
I'm with PP...how long before this anger turns into physical violence. He's emotionally abusing you and doesn't seem to be taking steps towards improving himself. Would you want to bring a child into this kind of environment? What would this be teaching your child? A bee posted this question some where on here in regards to a similar topic...she asked the OP...if your child grew up to be just like their father would you be proud?
Please, please stay safe and leave him. He's obviously not stable and you need to take care of yourself and your child.
To be bluntly honest, unless he makes major headway in the next few months, his behavior will only get worse after the baby comes. Babies, while wonderful and incredible, add a lot of stress, and for a relationship that is already experiencing major problems, a baby may be the tipping point.
My advice is to leave, if you can, and stay with a friend or relative. Separating will either a) confirm in your mind that a divorce is a really the best choice or b) convince him to get some serious help in regards to his behavior. I would never flat out tell someone to get divorced, but your situation sounds dangerous for you and your baby, and I think it's better to remove yourself while figuring out the next best step than wait.
His behavior is not normal. It's good that he's seeking treatment for his depression, but he sounds too volatile to live with right now. Maybe he should keep seeking treatment on his own and you should separate from him (and that might motivate him to actually follow through with his therapist's advice... or not). I would be very afraid to live with such an unstable person while pregnant.
I agree with the previous posters. It sounds like he has severe depression mixed with anger management issues, and is clearly not someone you need to be around right now. The pregnancy may have upped his anxiety/depression level and is not getting any better at this point. He is not your responsibility to fix.
I think getting out is a good idea. It'll give you some time to think things over, give him some time to decide how he needs to be handling therapy from here on out, and give you the space to keep safe.
The most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is pregnant and/or leaving an abusive relationship. I would get in touch with a local woman's shelter. They will be able to give you advice on how to leave safely. (Do not tell him you are leaving!!)
Once you are in a safe place (shelter, friends, family), you can start to make some decisions like whether or not you want to go into counseling or not.
Did he always have a temper or is this new for him? Has he changed his medication recently? I had a friend's husband who lost his mind when he changed AD meds. It was 6+ weeks of hell. I'm not saying stay because of that, because you really need to be in a safe place first, but it could be a reason that his temper is out of control.
After you get someplace safe, I would call his therapist and let him/her know what is going on. They can't discuss what is going on in their sessions, but I think they would appreciate knowing the full picture instead of just his side. (He might be going in and saying everything is just fine.)
PS--no one will compare you to KK. The reason everyone one is upset with her is that she obviously got married for the money and fame. The fact that she isn't even trying to fix things is a sign that she knew before she took everyone's money (and the guests gifts) that it wasn't going to work. You are not leaving becasue you got your cash and now you are checking out. You are leaving (temporarily until you figure out what you want to do) for safety reasons.
@mmsva: After you get someplace safe, I would call his therapist and let him/her know what is going on. They can't discuss what is going on in their sessions, but I think they would appreciate knowing the full picture instead of just his side. (He might be going in and saying everything is just fine.)
I was thinking this, as well. She should let his therapist know, no matter what she decides to do. He needs to get better.
Pack a bag (or several) and go home. You didn't sign up for this and the most important thing right now is your safety and that of your baby. He has problems, and please know YOU aren't the cause.
If he gets the help he needs, then maybe you'll have a shot at making it work. I wouldn't give him the chance to hurt either of you, so its best to remove yourself from a potentially volatile situation.
Go. Now.
From everything that you have said about the fights you have, the things he does, how he treats you, and what he says to you, I think he sounds unhinged and dangerous. I think it would be a good decision to leave him and get a divorce.
He may have demons and depression, but that's no excuse for treating someone else, especially your pregnant wife, like trash. Everything you said about how he acts are red flags for someone who could very likely become physically abusive. He is already verbally and emotionally abusing you by blaming you for the messes in the house and expecting you clean them all up, calling you nasty names, and getting angry when you don't react the way he expects you to react. Him smashing and breaking things in fits of anger is a bad sign. I don't see any reason to think he won't physically hurt you if things continue this way.
You even said you think that he is mad because things are focused more on you and the baby and not him. That's not what anyone deserves in a husband. He is childish, selfish, and dangerous. My biological father was physically abusive to my mom, but it didn't start out that way- he finally started hitting her and threatening her life and mine after I was born- things weren't all about him anymore and he couldn't deal with it. He had no regard for my mom or even my welfare. Your husband sounds strikingly similar to my dad.
I understand how hard this must be, and humiliating, but you ultimately need to do what's best for you and the baby. Don't worry about people ridiculing you for getting a divorce so soon: anyone who's going to ridicule isn't worth caring about, and it's better than staying in a bad marriage and winding up hurt or worse. I think you're right in feeling like you need to divorce him. Sadly, I think that's the best course of action. Best of luck to you.
You claim to know where his "demons" come from and that he's making great progress in counseling, but that in no way excuses anything that he's doing. I'd advise you to please get out as soon as you can. That doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone to be in, but especially not one who is pregnant and expecting a child. I don't think a "good guy" would ever be able to do the things he's done to you.
@mmsva: I agree. What you've described sounds very much like the situation I was living with when I was pregnant with my first child. Listen to your intuition.
His behavior is very unhealthy and dangerous.
You are not Kim Kardashian, please go.
Don't worry about gifts, people are most concerned over your and your baby's happiness and safety.
You need to get out now. Now is not the time to worry about working things out. This happened to me and I almost lost my child. Then when I did have him, he was in the NICU for almost a month. After the baby is born, you can reevalute if you want to work on the marriage or if you want to follow through with a divorce. Until then, go somewhere safe. *Hugs*
I agree with the others. You need to go. Even if not for yourself, then for your baby. Has your husband always had issues like this? Is there anywhere you can stay?
i agree with everyone else--no one deserves to be treated like that, i would leave. i also want to say i think it completely makes sense that being pregnant has made you change how you feel about his anger issues and taking the brunt of the abuse. this is now a bigger issue than just you and him--you're right to reevaluate your priorities. you need to do what's best for you and the baby.
@anonymous1234: RUN. I am so sorry, but you need to think about the safety of your child. Pack what you can, go stay with your parents. Don't worry about gifts. No one will care what happens to the gifts, they care about you. My prayers are with you....
Unfortunately it sounds like things are bad enough that you can no longer stay with him. Get yourself somewhere safe and encourage him to continue counseling. Like PP's have said it's not just yourself you're looking out for anymore.. I wouldn't jump into divorce, but definitely separate until the baby comes and he has some time to work on his issues.
Get out. Now. You do NOT deserve to live like this. Your child does not deserve to live like this.
No one will care about the gifts, and you are not the only one who has gone through this. In fact, the whole Kim Kardashian thing led to this article:
The article points out how this happens in real life, and especially how people do not want the gifts back--they want you to have your LIFE back. If I was a guest at your wedding and learned you left to protect yourself and your child I would not only want you to swap my gift for cash I would want to give you extra funds to help you get away. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out and get help!
he needs psychiatric help, and you need to leave.
he will only continue to be verbally, emotionally, and possibly physically abusive to you.
Do you really want to bring a baby into the world with him as a role model and father?
I am so sorry to hear he has gone from Dr. Jeckell to Mr. Hyde so soon. Find a safe place to be, family, close friends, and maybe give him a chance to recognize he has a problem.
If he starts seeing a counsellor solo, maybe you could also get some couples therapy. Maybe it's not the end yet, but it doesn't look good.
strength be with you.
If he's having issues now with things being about you then he's in for a major brain fry when you have a baby and EVERYTHING is about the baby for like 5 years.
I agree with the others, you need to separate yourself from the situation in some way, whether it's him leaving or you leaving.
I have a hard time believing the "he's a good guy" line. He's a good guy except for when he's screaming, throwing things, threatening me, insulting me, saying he'll committ suicide because of me, blaming me, criticising me, being rude to me.
No. A back rub from a viper is like honey on shit.
Thanks guys, I think he's going to move out for now. I'm honestly not scared of him, I think he acts like a big baby when he's angry. I used to roll my eyes but now I'm just thinking about a baby having to see and hear all that. The other thing is that 99% of the time he yells or has a fit is because he's "tired", but with babies comes a lot of sleepless nights so I don't need to put up with that crap while I'm trying to breastfeed at 2am.
He has always had anger problems but they've been in check. He has depression and his therapist also thinks PTSD, because something has to make him feel threatened to cause an outburst. I've seen his tantrums before but it's always been pretty forgiveable stuff. I wouldn't even call this unforgiveable, but I can't forget about what he said and I can't really rely on him to be an effective partner to me if he's going to be having these fits all the time. It's not that I think his actions are justified, I just understand the origin of his anger. I know I don't have to put up with it.
There's been no changes in meds or anything, he can't afford the meds that work for him unfortunately. He was doing great until he thought he didn't need to go to therapy as often because he was happy during the initial newlywed stage. He's apologized, which really doesn't mean much to me, and he knows he prematurely lessened the intensity of his therapy. I do communicate with his therapist and do go with him to sessions at times so I will definitely call her or join him at a session so he can't sugar coat anything for her. She's great at keeping him accountable for his actions but keeping him from punishing himself for things that are out of his control.
I appreciate all your advice and concern, I'm definitely safe. I agree that it's best to take care of myself and maybe reconcile after the baby is born. Hopefully he can get back on track with some therapy and work it out. Thank you all so much for the sound advice.
@anonymous1234: I agree with the last post you wrote. You don't have to give up on your marriage if you're not scared of him but I do think you need a break so that you can focus on youself and the baby. He can visit you, if he is supportive and you and he can discuss these issues in a controlled environment like his therapist's office. If he was fine before when he was going to therapy more frequently then he needs to start going that frequently again. I don't know what would have made him feel threatened that caused the outburst you described. But he needs to figure out what changed and made him start emotionally abusing you so that he can stop. There are programs that can help if he can't afford the meds that he needs. You can even look into buying them online just make sure the site sells legit stuff.
@anonymous1234: So glad to see your update. Good for you. You seem to have a good grasp on the situation and you appear to be a very strong woman/momma. Take care, and know we're always hear to listen/help as we can.
You have every reason in the world to leave him, and you should do what is best for you and what is best for your child.
I hope everything works out, please keep us updated.
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Regular poster here. I am very shaken and unsure how to handle this. We have been married a few months and have a baby on the way. My husband has always had a temper but lately, since being pregnant, I just don't care anymore. His temper tantrums are the least of my concerns really.
He snaps and yells at me sometimes when I throw up from m/s, then the next minute he'll rub my back. Then he gets mad when I'm afraid he'll yell at me while I'm throwing up saying that I need to stop accusing him of things. He interrogated me about my due date and was clearly trying to imply that he doesn't think the baby could be his based on the due date. He always makes jokes at my prenatal appointments about how he better not find out this baby isn't his. This made me really upset, especially because prenatal appointments are exciting and fun until he says something hurtful. I feel like he is raining on my pregnant parade. I think he just doesn't like things to be about me, because everything is always focused on him. If he's had a bad day I have to just watch out, but when I'm throwing up and tired he complains that I shouldn't be so lazy. He has been in counseling for depression and he talks to her about his temper but then comes home and never does any of the exercises she gave him.
He seriously says the meanest things when he's angry. Last night he was cranky, after a week of being cranky and snappy. I asked him what his problem was and intentionally stayed very calm because I'm afraid if I get stressed out or yell then I'll lose the baby. He said a few rude things then went to bed. Then he came back and tried to get me to go to bed and I told him I won't tolerate that kind of treatment and he went totally nuts. First he always scolds me about the house being too messy or how we have no money. It's totally impossible because he'll say I need to clean more, then I'll say it's his mess he's pointing to for me to clean, then he'll say how somehow the mess is still my fault. Then once that doesn't work he gets nasty. He started saying I treat him badly and tried to blame me for his tantrum. I told him I wasn't going to take the blame for his actions. He got up and started screaming and smashing things. If we're so broke why does he keep destroying things so we have to replace them? Then he got his things to leave which was good because I was on the verge of calling the police to be honest. He expected me to beg him to stay and when I didn't he started calling me a fucking bitch and saying it was a fucking mistake to marry me. Then he left and I felt great.
He came back about a half hour later and wanted to "talk" but just tried to justify his actions. I made him leave for the night and today he's all mad at me. He says he's sorry one minute and then he's justifying his actions and yelling and saying he's too busy to talk to me about this. I told him if he didn't want to work on it then fine.
So then he started screaming that I could just leave and go on welfare and be lazy and abuse the system like everyone else... which is kind of a ridiculous thing to wish on your wife and baby... and also said he won't want to see the baby. Then he started saying how he was going to kill himself so he wouldn't have to support our baby. Then he wanted me to beg him not to kill himself!!
I told him this made me want to leave him and I would rather have a divorce now than wait until it's gotten so bad that we hate each other. He says he can't believe I want a divorce "after one fight", but I would hardly call that a fight. I know they say you should try counseling before getting a divorce but I honestly don't know if I care enough. He's normally a good guy, I know where his demons come from, and he's been doing amazing in counseling up until lately, even without doing the work she gives him. But these fits of rage are just too much. He says whatever he can to hurt me then regrets it later.
It also really upsets me that this stupid Kim Kardashian shit is going on right now. I feel like I would be ridiculed so badly for leaving him while quicky marriages are a hot topic. And do I return the gifts? I have no money but I was planning on selling my ring, if I used that money to pay back for wedding gifts I would have no money for myself. I just don't know what I should do.