Weddingbee boards

Hi bees! I havent written many posts, but this is something that I wanted to relate just incase there are any stories anyone has that can elucidate this type of situation further.

  Well, I have been with a guy, who is basically my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Many times he has told me that he would marry me except for that Im not a Christian. Now, I may not be a Christian, but I do believe in Jesus and the Bible, AND I go to a Methodist Church every Sunday my schedule permits.

   However, for this guy, that is not enough. You have to believe in the Bible literally. Well, excuse me if the book of Revelations doesnt sound literal to me. And besides, if you have the love of Christ in your heart, why does it matter what you think of the book of Revelations?!!!?! lol

  Also, to give you some background, he was raised by a single mother who is Pentacostal. His mother has never been able to hold a job because she keeps talking about Jesus all the time to clients and customers. So during his childhood someone else paid for him to go to private christian schools. Oh yes, and during his 5th grade year, she took him out of school because the teacher he would have had, was divorced. Therefore she was not suited to teach HER son. Apart from that, he was only allowed to have christian friends and only could listen to christian music. So, hes basically brainwashed by a complete loser of a woman who gets all she has from other people who feel badly for her. I mean, to the point where strangers left groceries on the front step because she would rather they go see Riverdance than buy food. Yes, she did that.

   Well, his mother absolutely hates me, and the rest of his family doesnt like me either. Not because Im mean or stupid or a loser. But because Im not Christian. They have tried to have Bible studies for me, and been impressed with the way I can explain things; well, I believe in the Bible... lol

   I know that this guy loves me, he basically treated me like a girlfriend, and yes, he would get incredibly mean about my faith, but then he would get me gifts and take me places like nothing ever happened. There have been many fights with him, and Ive even left him 4 or  5 times. But he always comes back! So I said lots of prayers and kept up hope for a LONG time.

  In an attempt to get along with his mother, I wrote her a very nice letter, which it took her 3 months to respond to; which she only did because I wrote her a second letter asking her why she wasnt reponding ha ha ha. When she did get around to it, the letter was totally incoherent, she told me to "truely forget" about her, but also, on a little card with a Bible quote on it, she wrote "thank Jesus for Amanda". ummm what??!! ok... So after that I could never see her, never go to fireworks with her, never do anything that would include her. Well, fine, because not only is she mean and nasty, but more than that, and most importantly, I dont think shes mentally healthy. This was all my fault according to the boyfriend. It was I who couldnt get along. NOT under any circumstances could it be his mother. Oh no no no... lol

  Yesterday I saw that she, although totally broke, as always, found time to write him 2 checks for $100, and on the Note line she wrote "gift from "Jesus"". Yes "Jesus" in quotes. Of course I asked him why she did that, since shes broke, and why she said that on the note line, and why she put Jesus in quotes...??? Well he got very angry and defensive about that and told me not to "worry about it". Then as we were driving along, since I found the checks in the car, he starts telling me about how Christians cant marry Non-Christians. Well, why? There are ones who DO marry outside of the religion. He says "there are also people who write books about how Jesus is gay and they say they are christian too".

AHHHHHHH!!!! How brainwashed is he?! I know he loves me, but his insane mother has prevented him from being able to embrace that. Or even himself for that matter. I mean, its like he has no personal identity!! I have put up with so much of this hatred  from his family because of my religion, which is the Bahai Faith by the way, incase you were curious. But I could always see that this is forced on him. He acts like he is obligated not to like people who arent christian, even though he doesnt want to. And I know he has considered proposing to me before, but he just couldnt do it, which I think is due to his mothers influence.

 Has anyone else ever heard of people of different faiths having relationships work out or not that are similar to this? This woman has even told me Im possessed by the devil! So Im thinking you know, that he has been negatively influenced by her to an extreme degree, starting at a very young age, which is the only reason I mention her at all. Has anyone else come across people like this guy? People you know are one thing but are essentially pretending to be something else?

I know many people of different faiths who have great relationships.  Some of them faced resistance from their families, but those who lasted are the ones who were able to put their partner first.  I'm sorry to say, but based on what you've written it doesn't sound like your bf has ever stood up to his mother on your behalf and that's not how a man who loves you should treat you. 

I guess I just don't understand how things are ever going to change if he's gone his whole life living under her influence.  You mention that she dislikes you and that you're no longer allowed to spend time with her.  How likely is it that her son, whose behaviour she has clearly dictated his whole life, will ever turn his back on her wishes and marry you?  If she won't even spend time with you than how will she ever accept you as her son's wife? 

I wish I had something more positive to write but I just don't get it.  If he's brainwashed and you've spent the last 4 years without him budging then I don't think spending more time is going to make any difference.  You can't change a person...much as you might wish you could.

Also, if it's been 4 years then maybe he's not pretending to be the person he's behaving as...maybe that's just who he is.

Good luck!

I think your right tobin and Edina, I dont think shes healthy and he just can not wrap his mind around that being a possiblilty. As far as he can tell, she is wierd and a loser, but she is fully aware of what shes doing. Therefore I think he has a very mistaken idea of what it means to be loved, and to love, someone. And, I have to say, when you said that he cant be happy unless she is happy, thats totally true. I never put it in those words before. He really CANT be happy unless she is, and thats not in some selfless, alutruistic way, I mean, he really CAN NOT do it. Thanks for the great insight and not just looking at it as a "well different religions sometimes dont agree" sort of way.