Post # 1
My mom and I are extremely close, so this is making this very difficult for me to approach…
I have a small bridal party with an extremely generous MOH. Since it’s just 3, my mom said she wanted to be involved in the shower planning and help 1/4 financially. Great! That’s fine. Meanwhile, my MOH emailed her about some details and also told her what she was planning for my bachelorette. According to my MOH, my mom’s responses were “aggressive”, to say the least. She said she’s feeling micor-managed!! I didn’t doubt it, I know how she comes across.
Apparently my mom suggested that just my MOH and I plan something special for my bach so that the money and focus can go into the shower!? I don’t know how she worded it, but I can only imagine, and my MOH is very put off by it. I don’t know what I can do to help the situation, considering my MOH told me this in confidence and I promised I wouldn’t bring it up to my mom. However, I don’t think it’s right for one second for her to step on my MOH’s toes or make her feel uncomforatble! My MOH is a wonderful, geneous, kind person and doesn’t deserve to be made to feel badly. Apparently, whatever my mom said to her really put her off.
I’ve already said to my mom from the GET GO “if you don’t agree with something, don’t knock it and let MOH do her own thing” b/c I saw the writing on the wall.
My mom always means well but she comes across very aggressively. I’ve learned how to deal with it after many years but if I were someone else, my only response to her would be a big “F**K YOU!!”
Should I just stay out of it? Or can I imply to my mom that she really needs to just piss off if she’s going to give my bridal party grief? Who else has had a similar problem and how did you handle it? Thanks!!!
Post # 2
Another situation where actually talking to each other is waaaay better than emailing. How about you take them both out to a late lunch and have a conversation where everyone can hear the other’s tone of voice and see facial expressions, and you can work together to make plans that keep everyone happy?
Post # 3
Would you be able to ask your mother how the planning is going? Ask her in a way to get her talking and allow you to put in your input on letting the MOH do her own thing without her knowing about the conversation you and your MOH had? That is the only way I can think settling a solution without breaking trust…. Especially if you and mother are close.
Post # 4
Horseradish: If I had to describe my mother in one word in this case, it would be: unapproachable. Unfortunately, I don’t think face to face discussion would help. If nothing else, it might be worse b/c emailing actually gives her the chance to sit and think of what she’s going to say.
Great suggestion, if we weren’t dealing with the dragon lady!!!!!!!! 🙂
Post # 5
BurlapnLace: My first response would be to ask to see word for word what your mom said if that’s possible. I understand you know your mom well so it may not be surprising to hear something like this happening with her, but to avoid going after her unnecessarily, I would first make sure your MOH isn’t just being sensitive or taking things in the wrong way.
Post # 6
Personally, I have no room in my life/need for aggressive or rude people, mom or not. I would cut the financial loss, thank her for her input and let your MOH continue to plan as she was originally. Then explain to your mom that part of being a mature adult is not steam rolling over people the first chance they get.
Also- I would send my MOH a bottle of wine for being put in the middle of an unfortunate mix up.
Post # 7
Without seeing the wording, it seems reasonable that a MOB would suggest she have more involvement in planning the shower and less in the bachelorette.
I suggest the MOH refrain from discussing the bachelorette with the MOB. Unless it is customary for the mothers to participate in the bachelorette where you live (it”s not here), there is really no need to share the details with the MOB.
Post # 8
stardustintheeyes: Perhaps. I’m sure she’d sent it to me if I asked.
However, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel I should be bothered with it! I can’t stand the thought of my MOH being bullied but in the same respect, I have 1,000 things to worry about, and they’re the ones who want to have these parties for me. I didn’t ask for this (but I’m not turning it down!) Total bridezilla response, I know!!
Post # 9
BurlapnLace: I can kind of agree with you actually. If I were your MOH I would have just given a firm response to your mother and left it at that. I wouldn’ thave even brought it to your attention since you aren’t really supposed to know about the planning. Not to mention that you shouldn’t be burdened with any drama if it’s not necessary. I think after trying ot be firm and handle it myself, if that still didn’t work then I would have come to you to seek some guidance on what to do next. The thing about being the “planner” is that sometimes you have to pull rank. It seems to me like no matter what, whether your mom did need to be taken down a notch or if your MOH was being sensitive, she needs to start being a bit more aggressive (is that the right word? firm maybe? direct? idk) in her role so that she’s not easily pushed around. She should be worried most about making this as easy and painless for you as possible. So I don’t think it’s bridezilla of you to feel that way. But no matter what, you are involved now I just think you should advise your MOH on what to do, but don’t go to your mom because you did promise your MOH you wouldnt.
Post # 10
It strikes me as odd that your mother would have any invovement in the bachlorette party. That should just be between the bridesmaids. I am close with my mom but I would never want her planning details of my bachlorette.
I would assume that your mother offered to help with showers and was suprirsed when your MOH contacted her about the bachlorette. You are very quick to take your MOH’s side, but from your mom’s POV, it probably was off-putting to her if she offered to help contribute to the shower, and then was contacted about helping out with the bachlorette.
Post # 11
Bexx: She didn’t contact her about the bachelorette, rather, she just mentioned her idea for what she wanted to do. Just to make conversation. My mom felt what she was planning was to financially straining on the bridal party and therefore, their money should be saved for my shower, and MOH and I would do something, just the two of us. MOH didn’t ask for her opinion, but she gave it anyway. It’s what she does.
Basically in my mom’s opinion, the money is better spent towards my bridal shower than my bach and she dictated this to my MOH.