- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
I am posting under a different name today. I need to vent and share some hard feelings.
I am so sad this morning. I am sitting at my desk just shaking and trying not to cry. I am seriously thinking about ending things tonight. I have been with my FI for four years and love him very much. We have lived together for a few years, and recently bought a house together. We have had our problems in the relationship, but overall it has been very nice.
I broke up with my FI once before we were engaged. It was short lived because I missed him. However, I have never been very happy with his social abilities. He has many friends and is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, but he is socially akward at times. I often find myself wanting to tell him “sit up straight and stop mumbling!!!” He also rarely does anything with friends on his own, which bothers me. I feel it affects what he brings to the relationship.
I have also had issues with his emotional availability. I feel like I often need to tell him “this is where you should hug me…HELLO!!!”
So, this week I was at work when a piece of equipment literally exploded right by me. It was terrifying. There was smoke and steam everywhere and I didn’t know what was going to happen next…if the whole place was going to blow, or what! I was fine, but obviously very shaken. I went home and cried, told him how scared I was. He came over and gave me a very lame one arm hug. I had to say “please give me a real hug.” Then he was good, held me and comforted me. I climbed into bed still shaken and he made no move to even cuddle with me. I had to ask again. He just kind of threw one arm on top of me and called it good. At that point I asked him to remove his arm and not touch me at all.
I have been distant ever since then. I just feel like I can’t live my life telling someone what I need, and how to love me. We’ve talked about this numerous times, and he always says he’ll try harder…but after 4 years what’s the point? If it’s not him…it’s not him.
The thought of ending things makes me want to vomit. I don’t even know how we could afford to break up and sell the house and pay people back for the wedding. I just feel so disheartened. This is my second engagement (first one ended after ex-FI cheated) and here I sit again, wondering if I should call it off and be on my own.
I sometimes feel like if I stay with him I’m headed for a life of social isolation and trying to teach someone how to love me…and I don’t want that. But he is SO great to me. He does incredible things…but is that enough?
I just don’t know what to do.