(Closed) Seriously thinking about ending engagement and relationship

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011 - Blossom Heath

I think that maybe you should really talk to him. My FI are totally opposite on affection. I am the cuddling, hugging, kissing type. For the most part aside from a kiss here and there he doesn’t really get into all of that. It’s odd because his parents are the opposite his mom is like him and his step dad is like me.

He may not know how it makes you feel. He may not really know that it bothers you so much. You can say something to someone a thousand times and everytime it sounds diffrent to them. Tell him how you feel and let him know your true concern before you make any decisions.

Post # 4
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Sweet ceremony by the sea and sunset celebration on the North Shore of Hawaii

@cryingbride:

*big hugs* I’m so sorry! Before ending it completely, I would suggest sitting down with him and sharing your feelings and making sure you’re on the same page. you love him so much and, for you, affection and support is a key to thriving in a relationship, and he loves you right back, he’ll make the effort. There are also a few great books you or both of you can read together that are inspiring and informative for couples. Pm me if you’d like a list of these….We’re here for you!

Post # 5
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand where your frustrations are coming from but I don’t know if it is a reason to end your relationship with out trying first. You need your FI to meet your emotional needs so I would try talking to him about maybe attending couples therapy. If he wants to work on supporting you more emotionally this might be an answer.

Post # 6
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve learned that people show love differently and need to be loved in different ways. Hubby and I took this quiz during our pre-marital counseling and it was really interesting. It made us more aware of each other’s needs and it might be worth while to have you and your fiance take it http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ Click on the link and go to assessments and pick the one that pertains to you and him, which would be “For Wives” and “For Husbands”.

Post # 7
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ccflowers: I was totally going to suggest this

people show their love in different ways, if that is the root of the issue for you (and not that he’s socially awkward – that just seems like more of an annoyance), you guys just need to work out how to be more cognizant of each other’s emotional needs and how each other’s love is expressed. just because he’s not touchy feely doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care. take the above quizzes and talk it out.

Post # 8
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I aggree with all the hive. I think you should sit him down, tell him how important it is to you that he be there for you emotionally and physically. Use the latest situation as an example. Tell him that when you tell him that youve had a bad day or a scary experiance and he can tell that you are shaking in your boots that you expect him to hug you long and hard and hold you nice and tight. That you felt it was wrong that you had to ask him after four years of being together to give you a real hug or to hold you that night. Tell him that apperance in public is very important to you and again after four years you feel that he should know this and that it upsets you that he obviously doesnt know you well enough to know how to take care of you and make you happy which is the duty of a boyfriend, fiancee and especially a husband which he has made a commitment to work towards becoming. I would explain to him exactly what you need from him, ask him if he feels this is something that he can or even wants to do and if he says yes then put him on probation. See if after you pouring your heart out to him if he gives you a big hug and a kiss and tells you sorry and how much he truly loves you. This to me is what should happen to him after you pour your heart out to a man youve committed to marrying. If he dont then you need to think if he can really make you happy for the rest of your life. I understand the hurt in breaking up a relationship after four years but you need to think of the many years of unhappiness that are to follow this day if he truly isnt the man for you. IF he is then he will adapt to your needs and will want to comfort you after you pour your heart out to him. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted. Lots of hugs and support.

Post # 9
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

*cringe* I would be horrified if someone broke up with me because of my lack of affection. I was discussing with a friend the other day and I realized that I am not one who shows affection a lot. My partners, friends, family etc, know they are loved, but I am not really physically/verbally affectionate. I’ve had to learn but it’s hard and comes out a bit stilted but I am learning. I wasn’t brought up in a very affectionate showing culture.

Post # 10
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m wondering if there is more to this than just affection…not trying to imply at all that you are holding back, but are there other deeper reasons that give you the impulse to let go of this relationship?

I think counseling is the best option…sorry youre feeling sad, good luck to you!

Post # 11
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m not sure if anyone mentioned this, but… what about counceling?  Perhaps this is something that someone in some field on counceling can help with?  

I agree with the others, you two really need to sit and talk it out.  You also need to tell him where you are (as in you’re ready to walk and find someone more emotionally involved)…. 

Otherwise, it sounds like you’re going to be marrying a Vulcan… from the original series… 😉  (That was meant to try and get you to smile… hopefully it worked, at least a little. 🙂 *hugs*)

Post # 12
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@ccflowers: I am taking that quiz now and I find it difficult to answer…what if you really appreciate BOTH of the answer options as a form of communicating love?

Post # 13
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I understand your frustration, but sometimes guys just don’t get it-  you need to spell it out to them. This may involve telling him just what you told us– that you were thinking of breaking up the engagement but really dont want to. This might scare him into really thinking about things and taking the next step to try to fix things

Post # 14
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yeah I agree with counselling.  My FI and I had a lot of problems after we bought a house together.  We fought a lot, I was really unhappy, and he was unhappy that he didn’t feel he was what I wanted.  Though counselling didn’t solve ALL of our problems, I think it helped bring in a new perspective into our relationship.  I defiinitely got a new POV to a few things I was feeling.  If anything, it helped us communicate what we needed in a more constructive way!

I agree that telling him where you are (i.e. ready to walk away), generally makes a guy realize how important it is to you.

Post # 15
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I dont know. It seems to me that i fall back on you cant change a guy. I dont know that id go as far as counceling just yet. I would talk to him first and see what he has to say. You may be surprised. Maybe there is a reason such as the lady above raised in a family who showed little affection or maybe he thought he would be to overbearing by smothering you with hugs and kisses. Who knows. But talking should def clear your head and let you think about what the next step is.

Post # 16
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Evie19: I found a couple like that too, but you just have to pick one. This may be silly, but flip a coin. If you wish one side would appear more than the other, you have your answer! That’s what I do 🙂

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