Set a date – renegs and now wants to wait longer

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It’s not very fair to you that you (together) decided on an approximate time to move forward, then she changes her mind or gets cold feet. It seems like you need to figure out what her reason for wanting to wait is, is it about her “readiness” or is she unsure about the relationship. Either way she needs to communicate.

-If you are continuing with the relationship, she needs to tell you her reasoning for waiting.<br />-If she is unsure about the whole idea of marrying you, she needs to communicate so you can properly move on and find a woman that deserves the love you are offering. 

 

Post # 3
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

geodude:  Don’t push her. I’m not saying that because I think it needs to be on her terms, I’m saying it because if she starts to feel guilty and gives in when she really isn’t ready, it won’t work and that’s even worse (trust me, i’ve seen this happen and it’s not nice for anyone).

I’m sorry you guys don’t appear to be on the same page. You both need to have a really frank conversation and lay everything out on the table. You need to be totally open and honest about how you feel, what you want and where you see things going, and she needs to do the same. If you can’t have an honest conversation about your future, then it’s not worth pushing to make a commitment as big as marriage. I can’t imagine planning a wedding with someone who wasn’t totally 100% ready and willing. 

Post # 4
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

geodude: you say you both are at the stage where you know what you want and aren’t messing around, and you say that your GF has told you that she doesn’t want you to propose and wants to wait 3 years. So… I think you should listen to her. She has told you what she wants, and what she wants is NOT to get engaged right now. So don’t propose.

Maybe you think she deep down wants to be engaged and just doesn’t know it, or is anxious about it – honestly, in my opinion, if she even 55% felt like she wanted to get engaged right now, I doubt she would give you a waiting period of 3 years. If I felt mostly sure about my boyfriend and he was mentioning marriage, and I just had a LITTLE bit of doubt, I’d say something like, “I’m not quite there yet… let’s talk again in 6 months or so.” 3 years is a pretty long time to tell you to wait!

(If it is something like grad school that is the cause behind her waiting period of 3 years, my above point is moot.)

So, I’m going to be totally honest here – if I were you, and I really wanted to marry my boyfriend, but he said he didn’t plan to get married for another three years, but in the meantime he expected me to be abstinent with him — I’d move on. I don’t think that is a reasonable request to make of another person.

Before I moved on, of course, I’d tell my boyfriend why and give him a chance to reconsider his position. But, deep down, I’d question why, if my boyfriend really loved me and wanted to be with me, he expected me to wait around for him to decide to marry me or not for 3 sexless years. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  ohnatto.
Post # 5
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

geodude:  Are you abstaining for religious reasons? I’m Australian and Christian so there might be some commonality.

If you don’t mind me asking, do you have any idea where the 3 years comes from? Is it about finishing uni? And roughly what are your ages and how long have you been together, because that affects it a lot.

I will say, though, that it is totally inappropriate for her to tell you that you can’t bring the subject up. That would be close to a deal breaker for me. You can’t lock off topics from discussion, especially one as important as marriage.

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