Weddingbee boards

This turned out longer than I expected but hopefully by getting it out, I'll see where I can do better.

FMIL has made it pretty clear that I am not good enough for her son but when asked, she denies it.  No one has and no one will ever be good enough for her kids, no matter who they are dating.  Jennifer Aniston?  Probably not good enough.  I know it's her issue and not me.  I can't do anything right, I walk on eggshells when I am around her, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with her.  It needs to be 100% her all the time for her to feel ok.  And if it's not, well then, we definitely hear about it.

My big issue right now is phone conversations between her and him, or even conversations in general.  Specifically when I am the subject of them.  She repeats everything that I "don't do", how I don't do enough, he gives more- I give nada, I don't deserve *this*, etc. over and over.  FI takes it as venting and lets her say what she has to say to get it out and goes on with life.  I get that she needs to vent but he doesn't exactly debunk the things she is saying, so he's coming across as agreeing to it and justifying what she thinks because he's going "yeah, uh huh. Uh huh."- IMO.  He says he doesn't believe what she thinks but it annoys me that he wants to listen to negative things about me (his mother has never said anything postive)and refuses to say "I'm tired of hearing you talk this way about my FI." He also believes their conversations are private and between them two only.  I get that but I feel she's dragging me into it, even more so when we are together and he answers the phone and talks in front of me.  She is so loud that I can hear her.  Even when I leave the room I can still hear it.  I'm really hurt by it- FI is seriously clueless.  He thinks it's stupid that I want him to say "I've already discussed this, if you keep bringing it up, I will hang up" or some other boundary phrase.  

Am I out of line for wanting him to say something to put a stop to it? 

By him not saying anything to her conversations, does that mean he is agreeing with her?

How does your FI handle this type of situation?  How do you want your FI to handle this type of situation?

I'm trying reallllly hard to not take this personally but I'm not exactly making progress.  She chips away at my self esteen and keeps chipping.  Have any tips?

Obviously you're correct that it's up to your fiance to set boundaries with his mother about what is acceptable- and bashing you should never be acceptable.  The problem is that he's been dealing with her his whole life, and he's adapted to just saying "yeah, uh huh" over and over, because that keeps her from turning on him.

I'm dealing with a similar situation with my own MIL right now, who is very intrusive, and my husband has trouble telling her to stop meddling because she acts hurt and offended.  

We're actually going to couples' counseling so that hopefully he can learn how his mom's interference makes me frustrated and learn some tools to tell her to STFU. :)  The same might work for you.  

This is such a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.  I had a similar problem with my ex's mom, she hated me and he never defended me when she put me down. 

He really shouldn't let her talk about you like that but I can understand where he is coming from.  Some people have those Moms that you just can't put your foot down with them.  Is his Mom that type that will throw a fit if he stands up to her?  Are you the only one walking on egg shells or does everyone tip-toe around her feelings?  Maybe you could ask him to ease into it, like disagree with her when she makes a comment about you but do it in a non-arguementitive way and then slowly do it more often until she gets the message. 

I could be way off here but if she is like some of the women I know, him bluntly telling her to stop would cause a major backlash.

@amandopolis:  We are in premarital counseling right now and we've been discussing boundaries and this is one of the boundaries I want but I get negative feedback from FI because he just wants to keep letting his mom walk all over everyone.  Yes, this is how he has dealt with her his entire life and it's working for him but not for us.  The last time she pulled this, he did stand up for me but I imagine if it keeps going on, he'll let her comments go and not say anything, allowing her the opportunity to say what she wants and know she won't be "punished".  I'm jumping the gun here.  She likes to beat a dead horse, it seems, and can't let go of anything. 

@BW4606:  He has stood up to her but it's more when I'm around rather when it's just the two of them.  So then she'll stop doing it in front of me and talk with just him because she'll be able to say what she wants without being...I don't know the word but do you know what I'm trying to say??  She'll know she's more than likely going to get away with it when I'm not in the picture.  

@DaisyBride:  She throws a fit when she doesn't get her way every.single.time.  It needs to be about her, even when it has nothing to do with her.  I don't know if I am the only one walking on eggshells but I know I am not the only one having problems; FI bro and his GF are having the same problems, if not worse, and the GF agress that we will never do anything right.  I want to say everyone tip-toes around her feelings because they always have to find the perfect moment to tell her things because other wise she'll take it the wrong way or what have you.  I agree all at once would be harsh and I think she'll take offense and become defensive.  I suggested we ease into it as well otherwise it will be more of a disaster. 

Thanks for your input!

If I were in your shoes, I'd definitely be upset by this too and would really want him to stand up for me.  He needs to treat you and your upcoming marriage as a united front - he can't just let her bash you, even if it's easier for him to just let her rant until she's done!  Not okay.  You really need to have a serious talk for him and lay it all out, you shouldnt have to be the one just tolerating it.  It sounds like he just doesn't want the conflict with his mom, but he needs to realize that if this continues, it'll just drive you crazy.  Do you really want to just put up with it your whole life?  No way!  Good luck -- I hope you get this figured out, I'm sure if you bring up all the points that people have given you, your FI will understand!

@ ES123: Is he going to allow this to continue after the wedding? When you've had kids together?  These are very good questions- these never crossed my mind. I will definitely need to ask.  I understand that she's watching out for her son but when you're pulling sh!t from thin air and you have no evidence to back it up and refuse to come up with a reason behind your comment, give it up already. 

@Tanya:  Great ideas, thank you!  Unfortunately with her, if we did an intervention of sorts she would more than likely take great offense, become defensive and it would not go well.  We have discussed this option with his siblings.  I agree with you, it fuels her up.  I think she would come down harder on me because she goes straight to "Oh, it's what Pendola wants, huh.  Not what you want.  It's never about you.  Ever."  She does have an issue letting go and is a control freak- she has to get her way every single time or there is hell to pay, even over the simplest things. 

@minneapolitan:  Driving me crazy? Never!!  No I do not want to just tolerate her stuff the rest of my life.  She expects to just do what she wants, when she wants, offending whoever (she could care less) and expects everyone to just live with it.  I don't want conflict either but mess with my man and you'll get the horns.  We just would handle it two different ways: I would never accept this crap from my family or if my family were to treat him the way she's treated me...IT WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!  

@shopgirl: I mean it wouldn't surprise me if he did tell his mother how he doesnt want to hear it anymore etc etc that would make her take it out more so on you, make you feel even more unwelcomed than you already feel. You are so right on, here.  True but annoying how standing up for myself would just make it worse. By letting it go and not letting it get to you, you are proving to him that you are the more mature individual.  This is what I am trying to become but it's been so hard with the constant knocks at me.  I can brush it off for a few days and move on but then that feeling overwhelms me and I am back at square one.  Any other advice on how to let it go?

<h2 class="pagetitle">@jhphi: Ha, if it were me, and I heard her slagging me off on the phone, I'd probably just take the phone out of his hand, and ask her to tell me directly.  See what she'd say then!  I almost did this.  And I almost took the phone out of his hand and closed it...but I didn't.  She always always seems to call when we are having a nice evening and having couple time...which means no phone calls during couple time now!  I don't know why the font became so huge. </h2><h2> </h2>

@ilovenycmissie:  I'm with you on the debbie downer.  My FMIL has never once said anything positive about anyone (unless I completely missed it, which is totally possible), all she does is bitch and complain about EVERYTHING under the sun.  I stopped listening to it last year, it got me so down.  If you are direspected he is disrespected. I feel the same way, unfortunately I don't know if he feels the same way. Maybe this is all just a female thing?

My next question is this:  It's important to me but FI doesn't "get it".  I don't know what to say or what to do to make him "get it".  Will he ever?  Are there magical words to say (hey, I can hope right)?  He feels it's a private conversation but I'm taking offense and he doesn't get why I would get offended over a private conversation.  I've given him all of my points (and I will bring up the points you lovely ladies brought up that I missed, especially about the kiddos).

We compromised on the following last night except this morning, it's still not sitting well with me:  If she does call and wants to talk about me, he's going to tell her he'll call back so they can talk when I'm not around.  I believe he's going to ease into setting the boundary of "I'm not going to listen to this, if you keep talking, I'm hanging up" (but in a nicer way of course!) but will stand up and have an answer for every one of her negative comment.  Now I'm actually feeling better about it seeing it written down and having all of your input- I know I'm not expecting something unreasonable.

Thanks again!

I think your compromise with him is a good start.  He can't keep saying it's a private conversation if he is talking to her when you are around and can hear everything!

@DaisyBride: He can't keep saying it's a private conversation if he is talking to her when you are around and can hear everything!  That's what I said!  And he said that I'm  eavesdropping!!  Excuse me?  You are right next to me talking.  Even when I got up and left the room, I shut the door and turned on the TV...could still hear them!!

@penguin: Supporting you is not in turn shunning his mother.  I realize this but FMIL doesn't seem to.  She needs to be the top dog 24/7.  He says he's tired of being the middle man and won't be anymore but when you listen to BS about me from her, yeah, you kind of are being in the middle.

@marigold: No, you're not out of line.  Like I said earlier it's nice to know I'm not expecting something outrageous and I'm not the only female who is thinking that it's wrong.

@ilovenycmissie: his mom had her time raising him; it is now you and your future husband's time together.  Wow, what a great sentence!  Never thought of it this way.

Yes, I'm debating whether or not to show him this thread!! 

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.  You need to make it clear that he needs to stand up to her NOW, because it won't get better.  Case and point: my dad.  He and my mom have been married for 25 years.  I love him, but he's never stood up to his mom about anything.  She kind of took over his and mom's wedding, and now she's making an equal effort to take over mine (at least as far as the guest list is concerned).  Even though she keeps yelling at/pressuring/guilt tripping Mom and me, he won't step in and tell her to stop.  It's not going to change.  You either have to learn to deal with it, or tell him that he needs to decide if he's going to support you or his mom, because in this regard, he can't do both.

Rose- my grandmother has always said that from her first meeting with FMIL, she kept telling me she was controlling and jealous of our [me and FI] relationship.  I always blew it off because my grandmother loves to diagnose people left and right. Thank you for mentioning the BPD (it's nice that I'm not the only one who notices it but I try not to go around diagnosing people [totally NOT saying you are, it's just that with my family and that I've been around it, it does seem like I am diagnosing every one, noticing things that make it seem a little off and I'm totally trying not to go there with her].  KWIM?  Maybe it's part denial and the T brought up how I got 'rid' of one and yet I'm still dealing with the craziness. 

I have a very close family member with it (well they are undiagnosed but they met all but one of the criteria and of course they aren't the one with the issue ;) )  I've really tried not to go there with her but yes her behavior rings the alarms in my head but she's only been this bad for the last year (engagement time, of course) and every step in our relationship has presented problems with her.  I'm not trying to make excuses but I seriously have not noticed that it's this bad before the engagement although she did some controlling things- just not with us. We are doing pre-marital counseling and FMIL has said in the past "what type of person cuts off contact with a family member?" and so we were talking about that in counseling, counselor asked, I explained what the circumstances were and why I cut off contact and that his moms behavior is realllly reminding me of my family member.  The T looked at FH and said "You don't see any of the borderline in your mom?"  Now, I don't know how to take what he said. We'll find out this week

Debe- We just recently found out that we aren't the only ones in the family having issues with her and we just found this out...days ago!  Now, he's starting to see the light and realizing that I'm not making this crap up that she says.  

I'm sorry I'm not able to reply to everyone as I have been doing but I still seemed to be uncomfortable with the compromise I made in my original post so we talked about this even more and he will be trying to nip this in the bud.  One of the things that I told him was that by listening and not countering it was agreeing with her and fueling her up, etc. all of the points mentioned in the thread.  I also brought up the points about kids (which was mentioned above as well) and how she will be talking about this way about your wife, the mother of your kids.  I have brought up about what if the tables were turned, etc.  Anyways. Yeah this can totally be a deal breaker for me; he did this in the beginning of our relationship and then changed it and has been very good about it but it's when she wears him down, which is another good reason for nipping it in the bud now.  

Whoever said that she'll try to turn this around on me being controlling, good point!  Didn't think about it!  Now, I'll be ready for it.

I apologize if I am gloating but in other news, FMIL just might get the chance to show her true colors and it won't be because of me!  Yeah, she'll likely put the blame on me but in reality it's not because of me.  I'll post more when I know more.

Thanks again to you all!  It means a lot :)