Post # 1
I was talking with some of my good friends over happy hour recently, and someone brought up chemistry. The consensus was that there are two types – emotional and physical. Obviously, the best for a relationship is to have both. But if you are lacking one with you Fiance, are you “settling?”
For example, I would never spend my life with someone who I didn’t have an emotional connection with. I think that is obviously much more important. But I don’t have that sexual chemistry with my Fiance that I have had with other guys. I have dated some VERY good looking men, and my Fiance isn’t really all that. It sort of makes me comfortable in the fact that when I was with the VGL men, I would be worried about aggressive women. But with my Fiance, since he isn’t a real looker, I’m not worried.
Anyways, I got off track. I wanted to see if anyone else is marrying their Fiance for whom they don’t have major sexual chemistry with. Do you feel you are settling in that area? Do you ever miss the “type of guys’ you were with before?
I have all these random thoughts going through my head and this is one of them. I don’t want to sit here and say I shouldn’t have these thoughts. The real issue is that I do. But I just wish I could take the best of my emotional connection with my Fiance, and the physical looks of my prior boyfriends…
Post # 3
I think you shouldn’t get married to your Fiance, if you are still thinking about previous relationships the way you are. It seems to me that you think the grass might be greener on the other side. My Fiance may not be the most attractive guy out there, but I am also not the most attractive female out there. I don’t think about what if’s or think about my past relationships and whether or not the last guy was better looking or not, and as far as I know, my Fiance doesn’t either. We are both happy with each other; both emotionally and physically. If you aren’t happy with one or both, in my opinion, the relationship won’t work because it will keep nagging at you.
Post # 4
Maybe you are over thinking it because you might just have cold feet. I honestly think my Fiance is the cutest guy I have ever seen. NO LIE, I mean there are obviously other attractive men out there but just not appealing to me. I agree with Noritake in the sense that you should both be happy with who you are as people and as a couple both emotionally and pysically.
Post # 5
I am super attracted to my hubs and actually when we met thought he was out of my league. I’ve seriously dated only 4 guys in my whole life, hubs included and they were all different. I do want to say just bc you don’t think someone is the hottest guy you dated doesn’t mean he won’t stray. I dated someone before my hubs for 2 yrs. Met him when I was 23 he was 31 and so not my type persay or good looking but looks never mattered. I had just gotten out of a very disfunctional 2 year relationship that was awful and destroyed my self esteem. But this guy made me laugh and was charming and became my bestfriend then later my bf. Never once had a trust issue. He even had low self esteem bc he didn’t feel hot but honestly as I fell in love with him he became hot to me. But didn’t matter bc as time passed and the relationship took its turns he cheated with our neighbor and also a girl he worked with. 2 girls! Yea I was sick and it destroyed so many friendships. Not saying that’s going to happen. But I agree with the pp you need to have both and I think you are just over analyzing things.
Post # 7
EEK! This could be a red flag. It’s totally up to you! But if you are having these somewhat second thoughts about him, it definitely will stay with you, which will turn the relationship to an unhealthy state 🙁 Are you in love with him (not just love him..but actually IN LOVE with him) even if you are just “settling”? Just do what your heart tells you 🙂
My Fiance might not be the model type to some..but he sure is a keeper to me. God im so attracted to the man! Since he has a KILLER personality I think that just makes him super hot to me:)
You need a guy that will make you feel like that, thats when you know you really are madly in love with the guy you will soon marry and know it will work out 🙂 Good luck girl! Give us updates!!
Post # 8
When my husband and I first started dating, I waffled about his looks. My mom told me he wasn’t attractive and that we went together like blackberry jelly and ketchup. To be frank, she told me i was way too pretty to be dating him. It really affected me and I had trouble dealing with that. I found him attractive, but I also knew he wasn’t Don Juan. I found him attractive in a different way, not the “omg so hot i’m going to drool over him” way. I’ve never really dated guys THAT hot. The super hot guys I always met were asses!
That being said, the man grew into his looks. We met when he was 21 and he’s now 26. He has just gotten more and more attractive. He has lasik surgery (not that i minded his glasses) and has gone to a dermatologist and gotten his skin cleared up (i will be honest here–when Darling Husband has a major cystic acne break up, it is not attractive at all and i really struggle with that) Anyways, i’m really glad i didn’t leave him for something as shallow as he wasn’t hot enough. But, I’m also really grateful he grew out of his awkward phase (um, he was 5’10” and weighed 145 pounds when we met….he put on 30 pounds in the military. woohoo!) because i had insecurities about dating a guy who was already half inch shorter than me and soooo much smaller than me. He grew into his looks and I can now say that so many other things make him attractive to me. But I just liked him SO much I couldn’t not date him.
But if you don’t think he’s just going through an awkward phase (as many men do in their early 20’s) don’t marry him. I once dated a guy that eventually, I couldn’t find attractive. We had no physical chemistry. He was losing his hair and he was fat. He had no desire to get in shape and I just got to the point it was a huge turn off. There were a lot of other factors (laziness to name 1) but the fact that I didn’t find him attractive was a big red flag it was time to move on.
Post # 9
If you’ve NEVER had the physical attraction “spark” with him, that would be a red flag to me. I think it’s common in a long relationship that the attraction changes and maybe “softens” a little over time, but it should have at least been there in the beginning.
Are you saying you’ve never felt it for him the way you did for other men? Or you did, but it lessened a bit with time? With the other guys, were those always short relationships so you never experienced the lessening? Just a possibility.
Post # 10
Eh, I wouldn’t be too worried, as long as you ARE sexually/physically compatible. It’s okay if he’s not your number one in this area, in my opinion. What you definitely should have is someone that meets your needs. If he can’t do that, then you DO have a red flag there, but just because you’ve dated hotter guys in the past doesn’t mean that your Fiance can’t meet your needs. Do you feel disappointed when you think about only being with him in the future? If so, you might want to re-examine this, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. After all, men can learn. 😉
Post # 11
I thought there was something “wrong” with my Fiance when I first met him and I didn’t think he was attractive…now however I think he’s the cutest thing in the world, I love him to death and its his personality that makes him attractive to me. I love my Fiance but I do think there are better looking men out there, I’m just not interested in them. My Fiance is adorable and sweet, no he doesn’t look like Brad Pitt but I look nothing like Angelina 🙂 I think if you are finding yourself wishing for better now, then maybe you need to look at why you think that? Is it only his looks that are bothering you or something else?
Post # 12
TXbee – I could have written your post. I do like the fact that my Fiance is not that “hot” because he works a lot harder to make up for it. As far as our sexual chemistry, since he works harder in all areas – he works harder in that one, too! None of my other “hot” BFs ever tried so hard to please me sexually. So… because of that, I appreciate all that my Fiance is and does – as you do – and think our sexual chemistry is just different – less superficial and more worthwhile.
Post # 13
I sort of feel the same. I have lost the ‘rose coloured glasses’ of the lovey dovey first year of dating, and while I don’t think my Fiance is unattractive, he isn’t going to be modelling Calvin Klein underwear anytime soon. He also has decided to grow a beard, which is a turn off for me, especially when he doesn’t keep it neat. In the bedroom we aren’t yet compatible either, Fiance has a much lower sex drive than me, and he is very shy about touching me (I think he grew up being told sex was wrong and disgusting or something, because he is very vanilla and nervous).
All that said, I don’t think there is anything we can’t work on. We are talking about doing pre marriage education to help us learn more about each other. When I am with Fiance I am happy, and loved, and a better person, and thats why I love him. I’d say our attraction is more emotional than physical, but because we are aware of that and willing to not let it be an issue, I’m sure we’ll be fine.
Post # 14
Thanks for the replies everyone. I thought I was going to get yelled at here, so I appreciate the support.
@Kroegerk and Nexus-6 – I thought it was red flags as well. But we all have to admit that us women are going to have an uphill battle in the looks department as time goes on. So I know that while my Fiance is very attracted to me, I also know that I won’t be as attractive after giving birth and when I am in my 50’s. And that is probably when men become more vulnerable to the “younger woman syndrom” IMHO.
@desert_teacher interesting other people have the same thoughts. My Fiance though is very confident, even though he isn’t a “10.” Thats one of the things I was attracted to about him. But I still miss the thrill of attention from the VGL guys! I guess there is always the bachelorette party and girls nights out.
Post # 15
You don’t have to answer this, but do you feel sexually attracted to him at all? Do you find yourself never wanting to be intimate with him? Because if not, then yes I would consider that a huge red flag.
If you are emotionally connected and are still attracted to him, but don’t feel that CRAZY spark, then I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. But if you feel *zero* chemistry with him, that’s not a good sign, IMO.
Post # 16
Wehn I first met my Fiance he was 17 and awkward, (though he was in wrestling and football, he was ripped,) I didnt take much notice to his looks.
As I got to know him over the years, and we both grew up we went from thinking eachother were awkward to finding eachother TOTALLY hot.
I have never been so attracted to anyone. Ever. Looks, and personality.
Be careful. If you marry him, and dont have that spark now, in the “honeymoon” phase, you may become one of those wives who dread sex, and become emotionally detached. that is when the husband cheats, it’s more of an emotional thing, they need to be told they are mr. hottstudmuffinman.
If you dont do it ten years from now, his secretary will.