- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
I really appreciate that the moderators closed my last thread because it was getting derailed, and at the same time I realize that the title was inappropriate.
Anyway, I’m only posting this to give an update of what’s going on with me, because somehow, coming here makes me feel less alone.
My husband now 200% believes me, and he does not want me to continue with the polygraph. He says that he remembers how bruised up and wounded my feet were when I’d returned from my trip. That corroborated my claim that my body was dragged and my feet were dragged through the floor. He still doesn’t understand my cheerful behavior upon my return. He also strongly stands by his argument that I am partially responsible because of my flirting, and my stupidity for going to the club with a bunch of people I barely knew in a Third World country where there are a plethora of illegal drugs, and laughable laws.
He says that a lot of things infuriate him. He still pictures me getting violated (even anally, which makes me so ashamed and again, sick to my stomach.) He dug up pictures of my trip from seven years ago, and now knows the face of my attacker, so now he says the images in his head are more vivid. He said that what infuriates him the most is the fact that he has always regarded me to be an intelligent, sensible and conservative girl. Not a stupid, naïve, floozy that made herself vulnerable to sexual assault. He said that I should stop thinking of myself as a victim and at least take some of the responsibility.
I understand he’s still very shocked and completely fragile right now. And I agree with him. I should not have flirted with another guy when I was in a relationship. But I told him that, in all fairness, I was much younger back then, and I was not married. I don’t think a 25 year old who flirts with another guy even though she has a boyfriend deserves to be crucified the way I’m being treated right now. Just to give you an idea of what’s happened since this revelation: he has taken down all of our wedding photos, my laptop broke (which I need for work) and he said that he is no longer going to help me buy a new one, but I have to come up with the money on my own. He doesn’t speak to me, unless he is questioning me in a hostile manner. He is going away this coming weekend on a trip and he didn’t tell me where he’s going. He also sleeps on the couch and won’t even hug or touch me. Basically, he is treating me like a leper.
Anyway, as I said, I realize he’s still very shocked and traumatized. He’s all sorts of messed up in the head after learning this disturbing information, compounded with the discovery about the college guy—even though he says he doesn’t care about that anymore. With all of this combined, he can’t begin to be compassionate towards me right now, and I understand. I love him with all my heart and my life, and I know he is a good man. So I will forgive, and be strong on my own, and just pray to God to sustain me while I ride out this storm. I believe that He has a purpose for all the things that happen in our lives. I believe that He hasn’t forsaken me.
Thank you to all the women who’ve messaged me (via the comments or privately) and gave me kind words of compassion and support. Thank you also to the ones who shared your stories. They’ve opened my eyes about this very serious problem that is our society’s attitude towards women who’ve been victimized by sexual violence. Your comments have helped me to conjure up more inner strength, to have more understanding for my husband, to not throw away my self worth, and to take comfort in the fact that I’m not alone.