Post # 1
I really need some advice here because there is nobody I can discuss this issue with (and to be honest I don’t want anyone that is close to me to know about it).
DH and I got married a few months ago and everything is amazing in our marriage–except the fact that he has ED issues and, when we actually do get to have sex, he experiences pain. For my sake, he pushes through the pain but I hate seeing him this way so I keep saying we don’t have to do anything. He has made an appointment with a specialist–but it’s not for 3 more weeks since the doctor is out of the country. In the mean time, DH tells me not to worry and that we will try to do it during this time. We have tried–and to be honest we cannot go through with it because either he cannot physically or if he can, he feels pain (and he tries not to tell me but I can totally see it on his face).
DH had no such issues when we first started dating and were intimate–all was normal. However, we then decided to wait until marriage. During this time, I think a lot happened that has affected hm physically. Specifically, there is high possibility that what he is experiencing is due to this hair loss pill he has been on for the past 3 years. I noticed that there are lawsuits out there now in which men claim that they have low drive, and pain during intimacy. Once I told DH about it, he read up on it and agreed to stop taking the pill. Now, the issue is that the side effects of this pill may take years to wear off and for some people the side effects are permanent!!!
I am experiencing tremendous anxiety from all of this. I desperately want to be intimate with him without any issues but I have no idea when that is going to happen.
On top of that, we are in our 30s and want to start trying to conceive soon. I fear that we will not be able to conceive a child because of all of this. I don’t tell DH this stuff but I have expressed to him in subtle ways that I worry what will happen. He is always so reassuring and puts my feelings first. I try to be supportive nad understanding as well, but deep down I feel so sad because we are young and shouldn’t be going through something like this.
Please give me advice on how to cope with this issue and what if anything I should do. Should I encourage him to go see a urologist while his specialist is out of town or should I wait another month until his appotinment? Or should I just lay off and see what happens?
Post # 3
IMO, I would just wait and not force sex to happen. If he begins to associate it with pain,.. well, I’d hate for that to become another complication. As hard as it will be to wait, I would just let it be until you know what’s going on. Also, I would check with his regular doctor about stopping those pills. Some pills you can’t stop suddenly,.. and I worry if he was taking something that played with hormones.
As of now, there is no indication that you will not be able to concieve because of this. As hard as it is not to wonder “what if?”, reassure yourself that you are dealing with the issue, and try not to worry about what could happen. (Hard, I know)
Post # 4
Awww poor guy :(. I do not have much advice to give other then maybe counseling? Also it is great you are showing him so much support even though it must be so hard on you. If it will make you feel better, I don’t see any harm in him seeing a urologist before his appointment. I have no idea what else could cause the pain besides that medication which is such a shame. He should get treatment asap.
Does it hurt him when he urinates as well or just during sex?
Post # 5
I would wait it out. lol Maybe that’s just the Canadian in me, but 3 weeks isn’t long to see a specialist! He could always see a GP just to get some basic tests out of the way though, like testosterone levels or whatever they suggest.
If he is still able to enjoy recieving physical intimacy, I would just stick with that while you wait.
Post # 6
There are other ways to be intimate and sexual without intercourse. How about oral? Have you introduced toys to your relationship?
I would hold off on intercourse until after he’s consulted the doctor (surely having him “force” himself, especially through pain, can’t be at all satisfying for you) and find other ways to get satisfaction. I think it’s also probably important for you to reassure him and support him, so it doesn’t impact him psychologically any more than it already does.
Post # 7
I think the love and support you show him, and the fact that he is willing to try AND very much willing to do whatever to make himself better (because truthfully, a lot of men with ED issues are so ashamed that they will not) will be the ‘hottest’ and most intimate thing you will do as a couple together. I think if you focus on that part alone, then hopefully your anxiety will diminish and the emotional satisication/closeness you will experience will grow. Sure, you are missing the physical element, but as another PP stated, there are toys/other stimulation avenues you can take!
As far as TTC goes, wait until you speak to a professional. Wait until you have answers. If there comes a point where it becomes really scary, then I am guessing there are professionals out there whom can help with that too, so that you two can conceive, maybe just not ‘conventionally’. (NOT ideal I am sure, but plausible). Good luck!
Post # 8
@Cady: He says it hurts only when pressure is applied. The pain comes and goes. The thing is I can’t help but to feel hopeless about this issue because I have read online that this problem can last for years on people who were taking the medication.
@OUgal0004: Thank you for your post, it really did help me feel better. I am trying my best to not let this issue overwhelm our marraige but it’s difficult especially since this is when we are supposed to be in the honeymoon stage and we simply cannot get there physically because of this problem. I am also impatient in general so 3 weeks of waiting for an answer makes me feel like it’s forever
Post # 9
I definitely think you should just hold off on sex until he sees a physician and instead have sexy times in other ways that isn’t painful for your partner. I have counseled men with ED, and one issue that at times comes up is feeling like they have failed their partners and aren’t “man enough” when they aren’t able to successfully have sex. I would encourage you to be supportive and aware that he may be feeling embarassed, ashamed, and may also be feeling very worried that his physical problems will lead to difficulties with conception down the road.
Post # 10
Tough situation. I agree with other pps to wait till he sees a specialist. Is he able to masturbate? Is oral sex painful as well?
If masturbation is possible (orgasming in any form) you will be able to conceive. If he has any means to orgasm then you have lots of options in which to have sex other than traditional intercourse. Of course you can still have sex even if he can’t orgasm. Lots of men face all kinds of physical challenges that hamper traditional, penetrative intercourse but that doesn’t preclude intimacy. It would probably help him immensely if you just have whatever kind of sex you can. He can bring you to orgasm orally or manually and use a toy for penetration. You can use your hands or mouth on him up to the point of hurting him and he needs to be very open about what that limit is. He’ll gain a lot of confidence if sex becomes less about penetration. Even if he were to be in a worse case scenario of permanent impairment, there are still plenty of ways to have a great sex life. You both need to be extra good about communicating. Blindfold him so he can focus on good sensations a.d tell him to talk you through what feels good.
Children can be conceived without sex – tons of people have to use alternatives due to infertility. You’ll both be fine. People can get very imaginative when it comes to overcoming sexual obstacles. Relax and enjoy experimenting.
Post # 11
I wanted to write an update on how DH’s appt. went and to seek some advice once again, as this is the only place I can really turn. DH had some blood tests which showed that he has low testosterone levels. The specialist also believes he has ED. So now we are waiting until his next appt. which is in a week so that he can discuss treatment options with the specialist.
DH is obviously really down over these results and I tried my best to reassure him that everything will be fine and that it’s a good thing that we know what the problem is so that we can treat it. I have been doing my best to be supportive and patient. But inside I am having a really dififcult time–espeically since I can’t express my feelings to DH since it will make him feel bad. Also, nobody else knows about this issue we are facing so I can’t talk to anyone.
Honestly, I know that I shouldn’t foscus so much on my own worries because DH is the one going through this but I can’t help it. I wonder when he will get better, when we can be intimate again, and if/when we can start trying to conceive. I am terrified of the possibility that treatments can take a long time to take effect. I am also so worried about what if by the time DH is back to health it is too late for me to conceive? I am almost 33 and I would really like to have at least one child before 35.
Please advise on what I should do . SHould I just remain quiet and patient? Or should I softly nudge DH to get the best treatment possible so that this thing can be fixed sooner rather than gradually?
Post # 12
@temporary: First, take a deep breath. Yes, looking into an uncertain future is terrifying, but low testerone and ED are fairly common issues and the treatments are readily available and effective. Also, I don’t think keeping your fears to yourself is necessarily the best idea. Maybe set aside an evening with your husband and let him know how scared you are. This is something you will have to deal with together and it will be easier to handle if you’re both open and honest and supportive. Let him know your concerns, fears, and worries, and come up with a plan together.
For what it’s worth, my husband had a skin cancer scare less than 2 months after our wedding. He had a biopsy, removal of cells, and used a topical cream for 4 weeks. We were both freaked out, but we discussed all of our fears and anxieties about it openly and honestly. It brought us closer and helped us understand the other’s point of view. Luckily, the topical cream killed the rest of the cancer cells and he’s fine now. But it was definitely a very scary time for us.
Good luck to you and your husband. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this issue.