- 2 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
I’m a regular bee but I’m ashamed so I’m under a different name for this.
I’ve been in and out of post secondary school for the past 8 years, finally completing my second program in April. I had high hopes for jobs….until I started my internship. I knew immediately it wasn’t anything what school was promising, and I hated it. It was a typical desk job, 9 to 5. Only good thing about it was the people there — awesome and the boss herself didn’t believe in 9-5 (often left at 3, told myself and the other intern to leave early Fridays). They were not hiring though, so once my internship was over, that was it.<br />A few days after my internship ended, I actually got offered a position with another company in town. When I applied for the job (for the heck of it to be honest) and I went for the second interview, they had me do some work I’d be doing. It was NOTHING like the job description, in fact it was the same exact boring desk job I had worked at my internship just the prior month. Of course I got offered the job. Full time, 40 hours a week, benefits (although not great), 9 to 5. I debated for so long, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, but everyone was pushing me to take it. It’s experience they said. I thought I could do it and look for another job in the meantime. So I took it. Fast forward 5 months later, I’m still working at said place because with hundreds of job applications, I’ve gotten minimal calls and barely any interviews. Any jobs I do get are sketchy. FI works in the same line of work as me (marketing), and he has a work from home job that is flexible in hours and salaried. Not good pay, but I would love it. I’ve tried seeking work from home jobs, even in graphic design as I do that too, but no responses to those who do offer them. I also work another part time job that I’ve held for 10 years (I love it but it’s a basic customer service minimum wage job with little hours so no room for advancement) so I work usually 50-60 hours a week between both jobs right now with only Sundays off.
Basically this has caused me to become severely depressed and I’ve been having anxiety/panic attacks lately, and most recently suicidal thoughts. I cry myself to sleep daily, I cry at everything and anything. Things I loved doing before I don’t even care about anymore. It’s affected FI and I’s relationship, I’m grumpy and upset all the time, even when I try to enjoy something, I just end up crying. We are getting married next summer and finally getting our own place and I can’t even look forward to that because of money issues. <br /><br />I just hate thinking this is what my life is going to be like. Get up at 7:30, get to work for 9, sit there at a desk for 8 hours where nobody talks (it’s so quiet in there for 8 hours straight) get home at 6:30, make dinner, watch TV and go to bed. Repeat for 40 years. I blacked out the other day thinking of that, woke up on the bathroom floor at work. FI keeps telling me I need to quit this job, but knowing I’ve been applying to jobs for 6 months straight and still can’t find a job is scaring me.
I look back a year ago and realize how different my life was. We were newly engaged, I was extremely happy, somehow balanced 2 jobs and school and still had more free time then I do now.
Sorry for the life story bees, I just needed somewhere to vent. Everyone I talk to tell me to suck it up and stop being depressed and it’s getting to me. I’m debating whether or not to go to therapy to see if I can get some meds to help for the meantime. <br /><br />Have any bees overcome depression and/or anxiety? What did you find helps the most?