Post # 1
i recently got engaged about a month ago, and was ecstatic for a good three or four weeks. just recently i have suddenly started to feel severe anxiety. i have read tons about anxiety over post engagement and that its normal to go through. but its starting to affect my normal life and work life. i have the urge to end my engagement, but cant determine if its just regular nerves or if i really want out.
i love my fiance but weve had our far share of problems, including cheating. hes very possessive because of things weve done in the past, and for some reason its become suddenly a huge issue for me. i dont want to have to deal with the daily arguement of me wanting to do things without him, and he gets upset because im spending time with other people, or doesnt trust me to hang out with anyone of the opposite sex.
Im extremely confused, has anyone gone through this before??
Post # 3
To me, this does not sound like regular nerves. It’s no wonder that his possessiveness is now a huge issue to you – because now your thinking about living with it for the rest of your life.
You should seek guidance from a professional, but to me it does not sound good. Proceed with caution.
Post # 4
So nerves are totallllly normal. I knew my FI had bought my ring before he actually proposed and I was sick to my stomach every night about it. Now that we are in full planning mode, I get nervous every now and then, but nothing like before.
Your situation is a little different, because have a daily issue probably isn’t very healthy. You could end the engagement if your heart and head agree that this isn’t something you can do for the rest of your life. You could also try pre-marital counseling. That could help stregthen your relationship or make you realize you do not need to be married.
Post # 5
@Kslim13: I agree that due to your past relationship issues, this sounds like more than just normal engagement nerves. I would consider going to pre-marital counseling with your fiance to sort things out. The last thing that you want is to start a marriage with pre-existing issues that aren’t settled. Good luck!
Post # 6
@Kslim13: Have you considered going to couseling?
It sounds like you guys might have a lot of issues that should be worked out BEFORE you get married. Maybe having a professional outside opinion will help point you in the right direction and help you realize what it is that you really want and [more importantly] what it is that you really need.
Post # 7
@Kslim13: I was ready to say “Don’t worry”, but what you’re describing is WAY past normal concerns.
You two sound like you have some very legitimate issues with trust. I would definitely fix those (with the help of a therapist or priest or whatever) before you even start thingking about planning…
Post # 8
so since my last post, i have decided to temporarily move out, living in my furniture-less condo ( sold almost all my stuff after moving in with him…), i still have extreme anxiety on what to do with my situation. i just feel very detached and cold from my fiance. in my head i keep saying that im done and want out, but everytime i see him i get very emotional in thinking about calling it all off.
i know he’s starting to really sense that im not happy and cold towards him, but im terrified of breaking his heart. he’s said time and time again that im the one, and he loves me very much. i dont want to hurt him, and im afraid to tell him how i really feel. im just confused, and dont want to be living a lie, and act like everything can be ok, when in my head its not.
i just dont know what to do, has anyone been in this type of situation before, or ended an engagement.
Post # 9
Your sudden burst of severe anxiety is your subconscious mind telling you something is wrong. Please really consider what it is your signing on to. Your FI’s possessive behaviour is indicative of an extremely insecure and paranoid person. Listen to your anxiety and hear what its trying to tell you.
Post # 10
I went through it and now its gone away and I love FI so much. A friend and her husband are great together & she went through it too. I think she saw a therapist.
Post # 11
That kind of sounds like emotional abuse. I would leave him. There’s also no trust in your relationship, which is another reason to either go to counselling or end it.
When I first started dating my fiancé, we hung out so much, that when I told him I had plans, he would be all “oh I thought we were hanging out” and I would be annoyed that apparently we were scheduled to hang out every single day we were dating. I told him that I shouldn’t have to “feel bad” if I want to spontaneously decide I’m going to a movie with my sister in an hour, or make plans to have a girls night that weekend. Since then both of us freely do what we please and just let each other know what we have planned, and since we live together now we have even more time to hang out! We also had trust problems in the beginning only because my FI had always heard about long time girlfriends of his friends cheating on them, and it made him nervous. We have 0 trust issues now.
ETA: I also think you don’t have an open communication line with him. You should be able to say “I am not comfortable moving forward with our relationship unless you do something about your insecurities.”
Post # 12
@Kslim13: possessiveness and cheating aren’t qualities i want in a life partner.
don’t rush into a wedding. since you are already engaged, reeveluate your relationship with yourself and with your partner and see if this is really what you both want.
Post # 13
(kind of a double post from my last board)
i dont like the possessive-ness he has over constantly inquiring about the people i hang out with. im a pretty free spirited carefree person compared to him. when we moved in together i cut certain people(men specifically) out of my social life cause i thought it was inappropriate. but yet that seemed to never be enough for him. the minute we became engaged my eyes stopped wandering, so to speak. even though i had my cheating past, i was over it, and completely faithful. he though still had his doubts, and it turned from “i dont trust you” to ” i trust you, but i dont trust them”.
i think its unfair for him to turn the table like that, to were i still have to feel guilty for anything i do. im just confused at this point, and now living back in my condo i feel completely relaxed, compared to everytime i see him i feel stress. im just lost. utterly lost.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/wanting-to-call-off-engagement?replies=6#post-
Post # 14
@Kslim13: Sure, you hurt him in the past and you two “seemingly” moved on. But he needs to know that he can’t just propose to you and that means he gets to control your every move. If he wasn’t ready to trust you and be happy with you, then that is something he needed to address before trying to force a solution via engagement. Cheating can be something that relationships get past, but it has to be something that both people are really willing to work through. Good Luck with your decisions
Post # 14
Wow 9 months, since i started this thread. things have changed A LOT. we broke up, i moved out and we took time to see other people and i put all my focus into work. a few months later i realized i didnt want to date anyone else or see anyone else but him. we worked out our problems, and got back together. we still dont live together yet, simply because our work schedules are hectic, and we dont have the time.
his possessive side has simmered, after i told him point blank i wasnt going to cut myself off from people just to please him. he eventually got over it, and we havent had any trust issues for months.
i went through baby fever, ha. which completely freaked him out, but he likes the fact that i want kids some day, considering i said for years that i didnt want any.
my only stress now, is getting our two cats to get along. they want to kill eachother anytime they are put in a room together… ugh.