Post # 1
I am not pregnant nor am I trying to become so but I have a friend that is now 16 weeks. She is really struggling with self image because her DH will not have sex with her. My question is whether or not other ladies have come across this problem or not? My friend said that her sex drive has not been compromised and that the other soon to be mothers tell her that she is “lucky” to not have a sex hungry man. She sounded so desperate and I am not sure what advice to give her. Personally I think I would struggle having sex with a baby inside of me but figure that I don’t know diddly squat.
Any and all advice to give would be appreciated! I may even copy the stories and give them too her if they are helpful (usernames, picture, and site name would not be used).
Post # 3
@Payless: Would she be willing to pass some of that sex drive on to me?
I really have no idea on this one. My husband couldn’t care less that I have gotten bigger or what have you. He thinks I am sexy as hell and if I had the drive and energy, we would be doing it all the time. When we have done it (which has been all of twice since I have become pregnant and I am 16 weeks, yes, sad I know), I do feel very sexy and wanted. I can’t explain it.
My question is: is her self image issues BECAUSE OF him ignoring her sexually or has she been dealing with self image issues before he started denying sex? The reason I ask is because if she is walking around saying things like, “I am getting big as a cow.” “I can’t fit into anything” and fat shaming herself for outgrowing everything, perhaps that negativity rubbed off on him.
The only thing I can think of is maybe she needs to go out and buy herself some pretty lingerie or do something he likes and perhaps he will respond, but I also think she should talk to him about how this makes her feel. We can play the guessing game, but ultimately she needs to get to the bottom of it by talking to him about how he feels about her and if maybe he is just stressed or scared. Pehaps he’s scared to be a dad or worried about something and that is affecting his drive. Some men, no matter how reassured, tend to think they are going to hurt the baby, so perhaps that’s a reason.
Post # 4
Why won’t her DH have sex with her? Because she is starting to show or because there’s a baby in there?
I’m sorry I can’t be of help. DH and I haven’t lost our groove at all since our BFP, and we’re 16+6. I really hope your friend’s husband comes around, as I know it’s not easy getting used to the fact that not only do you look bigger, you most def feel bigger. Hugs to your friend xx
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
We continued having sex in the first trimester and halfway through the second. The whole time we’ve both been creeped out by the idea, so finally when my belly got big, we just kind of stopped. We still do other things, but her head is just about in the birth canal… and that’s near the exit!
I would suggest she talk with him. If he’s creeped out by sticking himself in and is afraid to poke the baby (which he wouldn’t), I think she should be understanding. If it is an attraction thing, well, that’s worth a good talk.
I’ll add that my husband, especially at the beginning, had a really hard time reconciling how I could be carrying his child but also be a sex object. Psychologically, the whole thing can be really challenging.
Post # 6
@Payless: I have no issue with having sex pregnant and neither does DH. Too bad for my husband though I’m not really in the mood for it. If she wants it, the least he can do is get over himself and please his woman! Where are you located? I’ll totally loan my husband out for her!
I don’t have any good advice. Some people are just weird about it. Maybe you could suggest she send him some reading materials that it’s safe and normal? Or, she could suggest some other positions where belly wouldn’t be so prominent?
My doctor gave my DH and I the “sex talk” at our last appt. lol. She recommends sex throughout pregnancy because she said the semen helps prep the cervix for labor? I don’t know if it’s true or not, but my husband’s face lit up like a xmas tree when she prescribed sex! Maybe talking about it with their doctor will help?!
I guess the reason why he doesn’t want to have sex with her plays a big role in what she can do to resolve it.
Post # 7
@Payless: I’m 20+3 and DH & I haven’t had sex since Oct 6 (it was our anniversary) – holy crap that’s a long time! I ask DH all of the time if he wants to get it on & he’ll say, “no I’m fine.” I asked him if its because I have a bump now & if that makes him uncomfortable & he said no he just doesn’t have much of a sex drive right now. I’m not going to take it personal, my DH is unhappy with his weight right now & I think that probably has more to do with our lack of sex then me having a baby in my belly. I’d just suggest that your friend have an open conversation with DH about it. I personally still feel very close to DH because we snuggle/cuddle every night & spend time connecting & being close with one another.
Post # 8
@megz06: Agreed on all accounts. I’d be eager to know the same answers about body image and whatnot.
I’m 15w and we’ve done it ONCE since the BFP. I have no desire because I’m nauseated and exhausted, but if it were up to my hubby, we’d be doing things normally. He hasn’t commented on my body changes (except my boobs, lol) and I don’t perceive he thinks of me any differently. Once I get my sex drive back, I think everything will be normal again, minus my growing bump!
Post # 9
@megz06: As far as I know she was always super confident and this talk was the first time she told me that her self image was rocky. I asked her if she had talked to him and she said that she is scared that she won’t like the answer. Of course I said that she needed to just sit down and hash it out but I think more than just her hubby are contributing to her problem.
The women she hangs out with cannot STOP talking about how sexy their husbands think they are and in some way I think that has led her to believe that something is wrong with her. I told her that she is gorgeous and her hubby loves her so his reasons probably aren’t superficial.
I feel like if she met another gal in her position it would make her feel so much better!
Post # 10
@Payless: my sex drive died until I was about 15 weeks which is when my nausea finally subsided. But lately, like during the 3rd trimester, I have little to no sex drive. It’s hard for me to get off and I don’t know if its because of baby and being so big but I just can’t. And also I’m having a really hard time adjusting to being big. I’ve always been in pretty good shape so having a belly makes me feel unattractive especially since my DH and I just got married (when I was 15 weeks) so I feel like he’s getting jipped in having nice looking wife. He instead has a fat pregnant lady who’s gassy and hormonal. What a life 🙂 But I must say, DH’s sex drive hasn’t changed at all. He still gets his and I’m happy to do whatever he wants since he’ll be without it for about 6 weeks after baby.
Post # 11
@MrsWBS: I will definitely suggest a joined visit to the doctors! Maybe that will help break the ice on the subject and get her to confront her hubby, thanks!
Post # 12
@Payless: She really should be asking him why. For all she knows he’s afraid he’s going to hit the baby, isn’t that most men’s concern?
Post # 13
@MsJ2theZ: That is actually what I told her! She is super concerned that the answer won’t be something so silly but rather superficial. She knows she needs to talk to him but hasn’t worked up the courage. She said she doesn’t want to feel alone in this and just wants someone to relate. I know I wanted the same thing when my DH had no sex drive.
Crossing fingers that she will sit him down to talk really soon!
Post # 14
@Payless: Hmm, I honestly don’t think her husband not having sex with her has anything to do with her body changing, especially if he loves her for more than that. I think he’s probably scared–either about being a dad, hurting the baby, something.
I think even if the answer hurts her it is better than not knowing. At least there MAY be something she can do to help fix the issue rather than wonder. Like a PP suggested, talk to a doctor together if she is uncomfortable talking to him herself.
Post # 15
My sex drive was through the roof when I was pregnant! I couldn’t keep my hands off my husband! He got a little weirder out when we could feel our daughter moving between us, but we just stopped doing it missionary and he was right back to humping away! If my husband wasn’t interested, I would have handled it myself. It was that out of control.
I bet if your friend says something the problem is not actually a problem. He probably doesn’t want to seem pushy if she’s uncomfortable with the idea and now its been made out to be a big deal.
Post # 16
Through the first and most of the second trimester, my husband was really, really into it. But now, at a little over 27 weeks, we’ve definitely slowed down. It is really uncomfortable for me…I get tired easily and don’t feel exactly graceful. Plus, things are (sorry TMI) swollen in that area due to more blood flow, so it in general kind of just hurts. I don’t complain about it to DH because I still want to have this closeness with him, but deep down I know he knows.
My DH has been the one to initiate 9 times out of 10 most of our relationship, and I noticed that he stopped a few weeks ago. Last night I asked him why, and he admitted that it had nothing to do with my body changing or there being a bump now, but that he was worried about me not feeling the best due to back aches, headaches, heartburn, leg cramps, and all the other things I complain about now. So he’s totally okay with still doing “it”, he just wants me to initiate because he can’t tell how I’m feeling at any particular moment and is trying to “put himself in my shoes” the best he can as a dude. So it isn’t that he doesn’t want it, he just needs me to be the one making the calls since I’m the one whose body is going through all the changes.
It could be something as simple as her husband not knowing that she even feels up to sex right now! I hope she talks to him, because I know I worried about the same things (is he not attracted to me, etc), and it all makes me feel so much better knowing he doesn’t think I’m a whale. 🙂