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No worries! I am a waiter and I'm not going into with an expectation that I will be a porn star or everythign will feel as steamy and great as a movie sex scene.
I have heard that most girls do not Orgasm from penetration alone. Perhaps some foreplay and manual or oral stimulation till you O will be good. Have you ever had an orgasm previous to marriage?
Over half of women do not have an orgasm via penentration. Usually manual stimulation helps.
You just need to keep an open mind and laugh at things that don't work. Just try and relax. Tensing up on both your sides is not going to help. Keep the lines of communication open. Tell each other what feels good and what does not.
FIRST... DON'T BE FRUSTRATED...... atleast not with you each feeling like it's not "working"
Most women do not reach orgasm from intercourse alone. AND alot of women don't orgasm that window shattering orgasom every time.
I sometimes can get there from intercourse BUT usually DH just takes some extra time to get me there with other stimulation beforehand. Sometime it doesn't take that long while others it does. <--- that's OKAY!
It's ALOT harder for us ladies to clear our mind so that we can focus and relax, especially if we have alot of things going on in our lives at the time.
Maybe try a bath together or more together time before actually hitting the sack... that way you can wind down and get more into the two of you as opposed to school, stress, etc.
I think it's AWESOME ya'll waited and really it WILL "pay off"... keep open communication and just keep trying different things.... and DON'T get set on somthing "having" to work... b/c you'll learn what works for you and then it'll allllllllll be great! ;)
Even with foreplay, manual, oral stimulation I don't always get there. An oral warm up is usually pretty good, but still not guaranteed. Haha, being waiters, we haha go at it a lot (lots of years of pent up hormones) so we've tried a lot of things in this short time. Like I said, some things work some times, but nothing works all the time... or even often :(.
Everything you described is completely normal from what I know. Only about 30% of women have an orgasm thru penetration. Most need some kind of clitoris stimulation. Finding what works for both of you is the key. Women usually have a harder time reaching the big O than men. But learning what works is part of the fun ;)
I think that this is normal in every relationship. As other PP's said most women don't orgasm from intercourse at all, so the fact it is even happening half of the time is pretty good. When DH and I first started having sex I couldn't every time either, however, as time has gone on, it is very rare that I don't have an orgasm. You may just need some time to adjust to each other.
I know that this may sound really silly, but if you have the tv on, shut it off, that makes it much easier to let your mind wander.
@amnystik: haha thanks for the enocouragement! I just don't know how not to be frustrated. I explained to DH today... its like looking forward to going to a steakhouse and then only being able to eat salad, if that makes sense :(. I feel like we're trying what we know how to try, but theres gotta be something we're both clueless about, lol.
I get so frustrated with taking long too. Haha I think I can't help but defeat myself. And I totally wish we had a tub. That's so on my list of things we need in the next place we move to lol.
its like looking forward to going to a steakhouse and then only being able to eat salad
BEST LINE EVER!!!!LOL
@xicaB: Thanks. The tough part is that the other stimulation doesn't get me there either :(. I'm having a hard time coming up with what else to try. Maybe we should get a bok, lol.
@mwitter80: Its good to hear things get better as you go along, I hope it does! We don't even have a TV lol, and we never really talked about it, but our computers never come into the bedroom either. But good advice, thanks!
@mwitter80: hahah thanks, its the best way I can come up with to describe how I feel. You can't tell that I love foood at all, lol.
@anonybee15: Concentrating is a skill that we acquire over time... b/c really, we just aren't wired to be in "one box" at a time like guys are. You two will get it... don't worry! And the fact that ya'll are already open about it mean you're actually head of the game compared to alot of women who just roll over and stay quiet and unsatified. (yes they ARE out there) lol
(prepare for TMI adivce) Since you're not "concentrating" anyways try and take note next time of the things that you like.... whether it's oral or manuel, soft or hard, fast or slow..... that way you can know what you like more and you can "cue" your DH that you like that... <--- he's not a mind reader so you have to tell him what you like. Do this a couple of times of taking note and "letting him know" and hopefully he'll catch on and end up doing more of what works than not.
Oh... and you could always try a shower too ;) lol
@mwitter80: totally agree! lol
@amnystik: Thanks so much! I know, I'm so jealous of guys, so easy to get in the mood and stay in the mood lol. And I'll totally try to work on communicating with him about it. I'm so awkward about it still, but its getting better.
Also read some advice columns and do google searches to see what is most stimulating. It is hard for us bees to write flat out what we wanna say. (And we are not gonna make anonymous accounts to answer the post either.) We can just speak vaguely at best. Your best bet is to do some google searches for respectable sex help websites on tips and ideas.
@anonybee15: It is frustrating when you try and things don't work!! DH and I waited too, and we both felt that for the first month or two, things were awkward and nothing we tried worked well for us. Sex is a skill that's learned and developed over time, and when you wait till you get married, you are starting from scratch, basically.
There's a lot more to your sex life than just sex, too, IMO. DH and I flirt with each other, send each other naughty texts, and just have fun with each other too. All that helps you to build your intimacy, and in turn, your sex life.
We found some unique sex positions online that we tried and LOVED. Like having sex with him on a chair and you on top -- that's a good one. We also tried me putting my hand down there and putting pressure on my clitoris when he's inside, and that really helped me. As we've practiced, things have only gotten better!!
Well since no one else has gone here I guess I will. Another thing that is a great help in the bedroom is lotions and toys. Sometimes a little extra lube will help things down there and there are some great flavored lubes as well to help with oral. I don;t know your personal opinion on toys, but they can be great fun when having problems getting there. They don't need to be used eevery time, just once in awhile to help reach the big one.
If you are a reader/researcher type of person you may want to consider (or ask your husband to consider) reading either of the following books.
DH was a newbie and I wasn't good at communication so both those books helped us. Granted I still don't often O but I enjoy the time we spend together, which is most important, and he tries really hard and listens to me, which is very reaffirming. Great sex can take work.
Try just taking a bullet vibe like these ones http://stagshop.com/Screaming-O-O-Glow-Bullets-Assorted-Colours.html (though they don't need to glow!) and putting it against your clit when you're having sex. Be sure to tell your husband that it's the combination of him and the toy that gets you off, because he might take the use of a toy personaly if you're not careful.
@Lemma: "Be sure to tell your husband that it's the combination of him and the toy that gets you off, because he might take the use of a toy personaly if you're not careful."
Good point!!
You need to get to know yourself, your body, what you like and what pleases you. Then you can incorporate these things into it. You need to do that on your own (don't need to but it's easier if you do). Get your confidence and find your comfort zones..... and don't be expecting anything from the G!!!
I think the major this is that you cant stay in the moment. When you guys are being intamate, you dont need to think about anything else at that time. I think if you are able to stay in the moment and really get into it you will find its easier for him to please you and vise versa. Dont be self concious. Use that time for you to really connect to your DH. It of course will get better in time! Its only been a month dont get frustrated!!
I'm going to give my 2 cents here and you can take it or leave it. If we're just talking about achieving the big O during sex, I find that if I have a much better chance at getting it if I'm on top. When you're on top, you can go at your own pace, hit the gspot and stimulate the clit... result = orgasm.
@BabyBoecksMom: Agree. Its the only way I can with penetration.
Also, it took me a few years to learn how to get there. I thought I was never going to be able to. It sounds silly, but it takes practice and its not always going to be phenemonal, but it should always at least feel good.
One thing that I've noticed is that if you're thinking about it and worrying about it and worrying that he's getting bored with trying to get you there, it won't happen. You have to relax. Focus on the details, i.e. the way he feels inside of you, his rhythm, his face. Sometimes it can take a while. He has to learn to be patient. Don't try to go for it when you're both really tired- stamina is necessary.
As far as positions, let me suggest these:
Reverse cowgirl (you on top, facing backward.) This one can be awkward at first, and takes some practice, but if you lean forward with your hands on his knees or whatever, it can work. You have to really let go for this one, and tap in to your inner naughty girl.
When he's on top of you, have him grab your ankles and put them on either side of his face. Open your legs really wide. Arch your back and try different angles.
Also, everyone keeps saying "manual"...and I think the bees are referring to your DH using his hand...but may I suggest that he use his MOUTH?! Its a whole other sensation and takes it to a whole new level. (Trim or shave if he asks you to. For some men, putting their face into a bush is enough to make them hesitate.)
Hope this helps!! :D
Girl, I'm in the same boat as you. I've been with my FI for 3 years and STILL have not orgasmed. I don't know what's wrong with me! One girl told me she couldn't until she had her first child...and then it would happen easier. I wish I would orgasm. I think I've been very close, but my...clit gets all tingly...and sensative and then I have to stop.
It's worth getting to know your own bits very intimately (possibly give yourself an hour or two alone in bed with some lube, a vibrator and your own hands). I've been with my fiance for two and a half years and was a long way from being a virgin when we got together, but even then it took us quite a while to get to know how each other ticks.
I know this is probably TMI, but a bullet vibe really helps for me. Also angling whatever position you're in so that he is entering you with his penis prodding the front wall of your vagina really helps for me. I've discovered in the past couple of years that I really do have a G-spot and it really does make a difference when it's stimulated.
I won't pretend that I now reach orgasm every time we have sex... but I'd say about 80% of the time. We do have nights where we just focus on me or just on him (more me than him, to be honest) and don't have intercourse but enjoy ourselves intimately. We've learned a lot that way.
I haven't read all these comments so I don't know what everyone else has said, however, I'll just give my two cents. :) LUBE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND! Even if you think your body is producing enough, use it. Trust me. Toys are also going to be a good friend! Get a bullet, a rabbit and some type of massager, and whatever else you think may be fun. You can use them together or have him watch you use them, so he gets a better idea of what you like. Don't be self conscious, he will enjoy it! Again, trust me! :) I know it's hard to stay in the moment and out of your head, but just work on being comfortable and know that we all go through these "issues" sometimes. Have fun!
@ashleyyyg: This used to be me too, except I thought it was an orgasm! Then once, I didn't stop him, and I had a REAL orgasm! The sensation does change though, and it is much better.
I was telling my friend I had what I called a "supergasm" and explained what happened. She then informed me it was a regular orgasm. I couldn't believe people had that all the time! I had been married for almost 2 years by this time. It was still hard to get it done all the time, but now we know what works for us. But it has been 10 years!
Just relax. Practice makes perfect...especially if it was your first time ever, not just your first time with DH. Most women won't ever orgasm through sex!
LOL, I was also going to say practice makes perfect! I think you should view sex as something fun in and of itself, not necessariy as a means to orgasm. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems like if you really just focus on having an orgasm it becomes frustrating and you're less likely to. It sorta puts a lot of pressure on both of you. Another thing is, once you start to know each other's bodies better, I'm sure you'll find what works for you. Relax and have fun getting to know one another in a new way!
best way to find out what gets your rocks off is to masturbate....once you know what you like you can share that info with your honey....toys help, lube, foreplay...maybe watch a porn together...also sensual massage ect.
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Insert regular diclaimer about having a regular account but wanting to be anonymous for this post here, haha
also, just a warning, maybe some TMI ahead
now that thats out of the way.... So DH and I waited to have sex until we got married about a month ago, though we had.. messed around some, but no penetration... anywayssss (haha I'm so awkward talking about this stuff). Basically, we're having a hard time figuring out what works for me :/. So far on top is best, and missionary will do the trick sometimes... but still I don't O even half the times we do it. And I don't know if its common or not, but he definitely hasn't hit the G spot or whatever. I read that from behind would be good, but it does absolutely nothing for me.
Also, sometimes things work and sometimes they dont, its not like theres a go to thing that always gets me going, you know? I'm super stressed out about school and other things, and I'm overweight, which I'm sure doesn't help, and I have such a hard time getting in and staying in the moment, I get distracted and think about other things so easily. I'm attracted to my husband, and I get turned on by him but things get going and its so hard for me to get there... if you know what I mean.
I know we're just starting to figure it all out, and its only been a month, but I'm soooo frustrated. I think its bothering him too, and its starting to make things more tense :(. I don't want to get in the mindset of just getting it over with this early on :(. So, does anybody have any advice, tips, tricks, etc? I'd really appreciate and help! thanks :)